Initial Descriptions

[TheWolf]

Ok, how should I first describe someone? I'll give an example from a story I'm currently writing, tell me if its ok or not.

I was there, at my usual spot at the bar, sitting upon my usual stool, doing my usual thing, which was, of course, drinking, and eyeing the prospects as they strolled into the room. I watched, grinning, as a woman walked, her hips swaying sexily, towards a table near the corner. She looked to be about twenty-five, if her tight ass and small, but very well shaped, breasts were any indication, but I have never been good with ages. She was wearing a very tight halter-top, bright white, her nipples showing hard under it, and you could tell quite easily, as she was wearing no bra. Although her upper half was quite appealing her lower half drew even more attention, her slender legs almost entirely visible, a short black skirt just barely coming down below her crotch level, tight enough that you could tell she was wearing no panties. She looked back at me, my brown eyes meeting hers, piercing blue, shaded by her blonde hair which fell, shimmering, just below her shoulders.

 

[earnestlover]

This is what happened !

I slowly went up to her , cressed her waist and whispered into her ears.past her silky hair..."Honey..why don't ya wear some undergarmets !"

 

[TheWolf]

*sigh*

I would've preferred a constructive criticism, but whatever.

 

[Weird Harold]

Not Bad

I think I'd spread the description out a bit more. There's not any pressing need to bombard your reader with the whole description at once.

The description is good as it is, about 1000% better than the "reward poster" descriptions that are all too common.

Spreading the description out a bit more does let the reader assimilate it in smaller bites.

In your example, I'd use smaller sentences, and detail things as they caught the main character's eye. The tight white blouse and blonde hair, shining in the dim lights of the bar would be the logical place to start. The wiggle in the tight, short skirt, drawing the eye as she makes her way to her seat, would be the next logical eye catcher.

Your main character has very good eyes to be able to tell the difference between dark panties and the shadow under a short skirt in typical bar lighting.

You are definitely on the right track, though.

 

[TheWolf]

Awesome!

That was what I was looking for! I have never written a story that I was actually going to post before, and I wanted to make this one good.
I was wondering, why the smaller sentences? Just wondering, I usually write really big sentences.
Ok, I'll do away with the no panties part, he can figure tha t out later.

 

[Weird Harold]

Re: Awesome!

I was wondering, why the smaller sentences? Just wondering, I usually write really big sentences.

Smaller sentences that only contain one thought are easier to read and understand. The longer your sentences, the easier it is to get the syntax messed up so that the sentence says something diferent from what you intended.

Read your story out loud. The sentences that are too long or too convoluted will stand out when you do.

Ok, I'll do away with the no panties part, he can figure that out later.

He can figure it out later, or she can pick a seat by a "fire light" (one of those lights mounted low on the wall to make it safe to walk,) or in a spot of light caused by a broken fixture.

Maybe he can suspect it from a glimpse as she flashes him when she sits down, and confirm it later. Finding out about it later is sort of what I meant about spreading the description out through the story.

A good description is like the layers of an onion, start with what can be seen, then what can be heard or smelled, later peel another layer off and add touch, and taste and what's under the outer layer of clothes.