Inhibitions

[Student_Rob]

Over the past few days I've been doing some reflection. I've been in a relationship for over a year now with my girlfriend who is very important to me. We have been living together for a few months now and things for the most part are going really well.

However, in saying this, there has been that certain "spark" missing and I've been trying to figure out why that is by thinking back to old relationships where there was that "spark" which was ever so intense. Upon reflection I think it is a case of inhibitions and communication. I think part the issue of communication arises from our upbringings where we have both had some rough times which have resulted in us being quite guarded emotionally in some regards.

Which is why I thought I'd approach the community here for any words in wisdom in regards to overcoming issues with communication and breaking down those inhibitions.

I appreciate any advice and this one and would like to thank you all in advance.

Edit: By "spark" I am referring to a sexual spark. Emotionally and intellectually we get on very well and the is a connection. I haven't really spoken to her over it even though I think we both realise something isn't quite right which high lights the issue of communication. The reason I haven't really addressed it head on is because I'm not really sure how to broach the subject, so to speak.

/Rob

 

[SweetErika]

What kind of spark do you mean? A sexual spark? An intellectual one? An emotional connection?

Has the spark ever been there with this girl, or is it something that went away?

It's very difficult to give advice on improving communication and overcoming inhibitions without knowing where the problems lie. Are these sexual inhibitions/communication problems, or do you have trouble talking about yourselves or your relationship, or something else?

Have you talked to HER about this issue? If so, what does she think? Does she have ideas on improving your communication and being less inhibited? Does she see it as a non-issue and not want to work on it at all?

 

[Colton_White]

unless you two are emotionally-mentally comfortable with each other

the 'physical comfort' = sexual spark won't be much effective.

we have both had some rough times which have resulted in us being quite guarded emotionally in some regards.

Edit: By "spark" I am referring to a sexual spark. Emotionally and intellectually we get on very well and the is a connection.

frankly speaking, you both are not emotionally going on very well,
cause in your own words you being quite guarded emotionally in some regards.

you two need to sit down and break those emotionally guarded barriers first.
I think you should write her an email/letter about it...

my good wishes be with you solving your problem,
good luck and good night.

 

[ShyVixen]

I have to agree with Colton here, if you are not emotionally and mentally comfortable, there is always going to be some 'discomfort' with the physical side.

If she is very important to you, you'll find a way to broach the subject.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I think you are going to have to take the bull by the horns here, as others have said. Your gf must also be aware of this lack of 'spark.' It sounds to me that you're both quite quiet and reserved people, that's great because you have character traits in common but here you are at stalemate.

A lot of women still think that if their guy seems happy with their sex life and level of sexual connection, then it's not broken enough to need fixing. She may be unwilling to rock the boat, just as you are. But you're the guy right? It's your job to be a little braver and more direct. If she loves you and wants your relationship to evolve and last well into the future, she should be open to discussing this with you. She may even be relieved when you bring this up because she's been feeling the same lack of connection that you have and worrying about it.

Rather than sit her down and say that you think something's wrong or missing (which will sound accusatory to a degree, however you word it) you can soften the blow considerably. Arrange a date night and take her out for a romantic meal, have a few drinks (if you drink) and come home feeling all warm and fuzzy and romantic. Take her to bed, lay her down and treat her to some fantastic and totally unselfish foreplay and oral sex. Tell her how fucking amazing she is and remind her how in love with her you are. Then try kicking things off by asking her what she fantasises about, if there's anything sexually she'd like to try. Tell her a few of your (vaguely printable and porn star free) fantasies and see if you can get her out of her shell and connecting with you sexually. If she expresses a fantasy or a new desire, experiment with that with her and allow it to bring you closer, then have her return the favour for one of your fantasies.

If you love each other as you say and you just want to break down barriers and become more open and unguarded sexually, this should be a good first step and allow you to become closer to her and to rebuild the sexual connection you had when you first met. Like any aspect of any long term relationship, these things need effort, commitment and attention in order to carry on functioning and fulfilling you both.

That's just my tuppence anyway, hope you find a way to solve your problem.

 

[luv2playwithu]

Very well said Ve;vet I could not have said it ant better

I think you are going to have to take the bull by the horns here, as others have said. Your gf must also be aware of this lack of 'spark.' It sounds to me that you're both quite quiet and reserved people, that's great because you have character traits in common but here you are at stalemate.

A lot of women still think that if their guy seems happy with their sex life and level of sexual connection, then it's not broken enough to need fixing. She may be unwilling to rock the boat, just as you are. But you're the guy right? It's your job to be a little braver and more direct. If she loves you and wants your relationship to evolve and last well into the future, she should be open to discussing this with you. She may even be relieved when you bring this up because she's been feeling the same lack of connection that you have and worrying about it.

Rather than sit her down and say that you think something's wrong or missing (which will sound accusatory to a degree, however you word it) you can soften the blow considerably. Arrange a date night and take her out for a romantic meal, have a few drinks (if you drink) and come home feeling all warm and fuzzy and romantic. Take her to bed, lay her down and treat her to some fantastic and totally unselfish foreplay and oral sex. Tell her how fucking amazing she is and remind her how in love with her you are. Then try kicking things off by asking her what she fantasises about, if there's anything sexually she'd like to try. Tell her a few of your (vaguely printable and porn star free) fantasies and see if you can get her out of her shell and connecting with you sexually. If she expresses a fantasy or a new desire, experiment with that with her and allow it to bring you closer, then have her return the favour for one of your fantasies.

If you love each other as you say and you just want to break down barriers and become more open and unguarded sexually, this should be a good first step and allow you to become closer to her and to rebuild the sexual connection you had when you first met. Like any aspect of any long term relationship, these things need effort, commitment and attention in order to carry on functioning and fulfilling you both.

That's just my tuppence anyway, hope you find a way to solve your problem.

Rob I would wholeheartedly agree with velvet. if you really love this person and you want it to work lavish her with lots of tlc. Try to lose your inhibbitions, put your needs on the back burner and try and tease out her needs and desires and focus on them. Be tactile and sensual with her, hold hands, cuddle up and i am sure one thing will lead to another and your libidos will respond accordingly. Just relax and go with the flow.