Infertility

[angela146]

Sex is all about making babies. Pregnancy is a natural result of sexual intercourse. If you don't use contraception, you'll get pregnant.

Yeah, well that may be true in some fantasy world that other people live in, but not in the real world - at least not in my real world.

If you've ever felt that way, you've come to the right place.

Those of us who individually or as a couple are unable to have children (or have difficulty conceiving or carrying to term or whatever) now have this thread to talk about it and be heard.

Tell your story. Share info. Cry on shoulders.

Please be supportive and non-critical of those who post here.

 

[angela146]

So, I'll start.

I don't have any problem conceiving or getting pregnant or carrying to term or delivering a child... at least in theory, seeing as how I've never actually done any of those things.

I've been tested, examined, poked, prodded, and fucked repeatedly under ideal conditions.

The problem isn't with my plumbing, it's with my husband's plumbing.

He doesn't produce sperm. We ain't talking low motility or low count or any of that stuff. His sperm count is zero - zip - nada.

All of those treatments that involve in-vitro or artificial insemination or capturing a sperm under a microscope and implanting it into an egg - none of that stuff works for him, cuz you gotta like have a sperm to work with.

The only solutions available to us effectively amount to adoption for him.

It sucks.

It isn't his fault. He didn't do anything to cause it. It's apparently some kind of congenital defect that the doctors can't isolate.

The emotional side of things, well, I'll talk about that in a later post.

Did I mention that it sucks?

 

[Ness73]

Looks like a donor is the next step. You do what you have to do, hey.

Me, well tomorrow I go in to the hospital for my third embryo transfer. Third time lucky, I keep telling myself. If this time doesn't work, I have to go back on all the fertility drugs and through surgery again (egg collection). But like I said, you do what you have to do.
My MIL keeps telling me if only I'd stop thinking about it, I would fall pregnant. I had to go into detail why that wouldn't happen (we call our problem "Homer sperm"). If I get one more 'tip' on how to fall pregnant, I'll scream! I probably know how it all works better than any of them!
Good luck with your journey.

 

[Guest]

i feel for you both. right off the bat, we were told that we couldnt have kids because of him. but they didn't really do enough samples because about a year after they told us this, i got preggers with my first when i had this mega sinus infection. dear god i was so ill.... but ...theres more...

between the birth of the first and several years after, we tried again and again. i was tested too and i was found to be just fine...he still had low motility low count.
so, on to the drugs and inseminations...

four documented miscarriages, some before 12 weeks others after. the last one was twins who could have been born and lived for a few hours. i couldnt do that. so, i quit. one live baby is enough, thank you.

then, six months later, i got pregnant again without the drugs. but i was so terribly ill. i was on antibiotics and loads of motrin and asprin. this pregnancy lasted.

then...wow, my sister had a stroke at the age of 38. very bizzaro. we all were tested for blood disorders and found out that we all had some kind of broken clotting link. this was the reason for my miscarriages. i was clotting them off. the reason why i carried two to term was because i was ill when i got pregnant and was taking asprin for pain which thinned my blood enough for the babies to thrive.

its hell, going through the infertility treatments. its hell being told you can not have your own kids. my heart bled each time i heard "your count is going down."

you are not alone. i totally understand the pain of infertility.

 

[Chantilyvamp]

Our problem wasnt an issue with either of of us, well sort of hell if it could be said that easy.

He had the sperm and plenty of it, my eggs dropped, sometimes more than one. Everything was working proper (they did enough tests that I was damn tired after all of it.)

I have a thyroid problem and it was left untreated for awhile since no one found it. It caused all sorts of issues including my not being able to fall pregnant very easy. (And we know I could before because i had been pregnant many many years ago and it happened really quickly and then I had an accident and lost the baby. No plumbing was hurt with the miscarriage.)

I went on hormone pills for 2 years to try and help and still nothing. The frustration and anger at others were unbelievable. I did at one point on the hormone pill nearly get in a cat fight at the office with someone that I basically tolereated to not get fired. But those pills made me very manic.

Then we started the whole AI process. We had 3 goes at it before we actually got results. That was in 2004. We have thought about having another and we do sporadically not use contraceptives and yet nothing happens with that. So my fear is we would have to start all over again with the treatments.

I am lucky we didn't have to go into the IVF and I really feel for any of you who do.

 

[angela146]

Looks like a donor is the next step. You do what you have to do, hey.

Well, maybe not in our case.

Donor sperm is kind of like a half-adoption. With a sperm donor, the child would be mine biologically but not his. Considering a sperm donor forced us to wrestle with all of the "real parents" vs "adoptive parents" issues.

Yes, the "real father" is the one who raises the child but, by that logic, the real mother is also the one who raises the child. So, why not just adopt.

Well, one reason is cost. Another is the heartache of dealing with birth parents who decide at the last minute to keep the child. A third is the biological drive to have a child "of my own".

I guess the reason we haven't gone that route (at least not yet) is that it would create an imbalance between Bill and me. Actually, he is OK with it - mostly because he doesn't want to stand in the way of me having a child but... on an emotional level, I just don't like the idea of being pregnant by a stranger.

Me, well tomorrow I go in to the hospital for my third embryo transfer. Third time lucky, I keep telling myself. If this time doesn't work, I have to go back on all the fertility drugs and through surgery again (egg collection). But like I said, you do what you have to do.

God that sounds painful and unpleasant in more ways than I can imagine... especially the heartache when it doesn't work.

My MIL keeps telling me if only I'd stop thinking about it, I would fall pregnant.

Yes, extended family can be a real trip. Thankfully, my in-laws aren't a problem. If anything they feel guilty (that there was something they could have done to prevent the problem in the first place).

My own parents, however...

I had to go into detail why that wouldn't happen (we call our problem "Homer sperm"). If I get one more 'tip' on how to fall pregnant, I'll scream! I probably know how it all works better than any of them!

I understand that one really well!

Good luck with your journey.

U2. Keep us apprised.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

then...wow, my sister had a stroke at the age of 38. very bizzaro. we all were tested for blood disorders and found out that we all had some kind of broken clotting link. this was the reason for my miscarriages. i was clotting them off. the reason why i carried two to term was because i was ill when i got pregnant and was taking asprin for pain which thinned my blood enough for the babies to thrive.

Factor V ?

 

[angela146]

i feel for you both. right off the bat, we were told that we couldnt have kids because of him. but they didn't really do enough samples because about a year after they told us this, i got preggers with my first when i had this mega sinus infection.

Yup. "Medical Science" is one of the classic oxymorons. We keep hoping for the same thing but, in our case, that's unrealistic.

... four documented miscarriages, some before 12 weeks others after. the last one was twins who could have been born and lived for a few hours. i couldnt do that. so, i quit. one live baby is enough, thank you.

Wow! You had a lot of strength to get through that.

then, six months later, i got pregnant again without the drugs. but i was so terribly ill. i was on antibiotics and loads of motrin and asprin. this pregnancy lasted.

then...wow, my sister had a stroke at the age of 38. very bizzaro. we all were tested for blood disorders and found out that we all had some kind of broken clotting link. this was the reason for my miscarriages. i was clotting them off. the reason why i carried two to term was because i was ill when i got pregnant and was taking asprin for pain which thinned my blood enough for the babies to thrive.

10s of thousands of dollars of tests, doctors, equipment, medical analysis to try to get you pregnant and help you get through it and it's the bottle of asprin that does the trick.

its hell, going through the infertility treatments. its hell being told you can not have your own kids. my heart bled each time i heard "your count is going down."

Not having children is sounding better and better all the time.

you are not alone. i totally understand the pain of infertility.

Thank you and bless you for sharing, Vella!

 

[angela146]

I went on hormone pills for 2 years to try and help and still nothing. The frustration and anger at others were unbelievable. I did at one point on the hormone pill nearly get in a cat fight at the office with someone that I basically tolereated to not get fired. But those pills made me very manic.

Sort of the opposite efffect of being on birth control? Except, like, multiplied?

Then we started the whole AI process. We had 3 goes at it before we actually got results. That was in 2004. We have thought about having another and we do sporadically not use contraceptives and yet nothing happens with that. So my fear is we would have to start all over again with the treatments.

Dealing with infertility is sounding more and more like dealing with a used car salesman...

OK, it's official. Infertility sucks.

Oh, I said that already.

 

[angela146]

Thank you Thank you Thank you ALL! and to all of you for what you've been through.

I knew it was bad out there but I had no idea how bad.

In fact, it really seems like I have it easy, in a way. All of those treatments that aren't available to us (or that we don't actually need) sound pretty horrific.

I guess I should be thankful that my choices are much easier.

 

[Ness73]

Back home after my transfer. It is so quick and painless, it's funny that after all the drama, it's only a 5 minute episode to put it back. I've had worse pap smears! I've got to take it easy for the next few days - no housework for me!(well, not sure of that, but why take a chance!). Fingers crossed that in a couple of weeks, I'll have some good news.

Angela, re the sperm donor - think of it as the best gift anyone can ever give you. Regardless of whether you use a donor or adopt, there are going to be issues with paternity. But if you want a child, it's going to have to be one or the other. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but you sound like there is a little guilt there that you wouldn't be carrying Bill's child. Have you talked to a counsellor about this - especially as it seems it's your emotions, not so much Bill's. Again, sorry if I have been too forward, but my hubby and I talked about this before we started IVF, and although there would have been a few issues, I still would have done it if it was our only choice to have a child.

 

[SeaCat]

Okay from the male side.

My wife can't carry to term. She not only has a rod and cable in her back, but her family has a history of reactions.

On my side, well I was exposed to Gama Radiation in 1985 at the tender young age of 19. Any children I father would run the risks of serious problems. Because of this I had the unkindest cut done. Yep I shoot blanks here.

Cat

 

[McKenna]

I have been trying to conceive off and on for the past thirteen years. Never once have I succeeded. Through the years different diagnosis have come to light: I have hypothyroidism, as well as Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome.

I know it's not impossible for women to conceive who have PCOS; I've heard hundreds of positive stories, but still I remain childless. PCOS is a syndrome that messes with your endocrine system, among other things. It affects my hormonal balance which in turn affects not only how my body processes insulin, but my ovulation as well. I have gone months and months without menstruating or ovulating; a few years ago I was diagnosed with PCOS. There is no cure for the syndrome, but there are medications available to help with the symptoms. I have been on these medications since 2004. Although it's not a "requirement" to have cysts on your ovaries in order to be diagnosed with PCOS, I do have cysts. Basically, I have eggs up there that try to drop, but end up not quite making it; eventually they turn into cysts on my ovaries.

Mr McKenna and I have tried a round of fertility drugs. The drugs made me feel a bit loopy, not to mention made me gain weight. Add to that an increased risk of cancer after taking the drugs, and we decided not to try them for very long (8 months.) This was 18 months ago. We plan to try again with the meds.

I have always wanted to be a mother. I worked in and out of daycare centers and preschools for years just to have the opportunity to be around children. Eventually I gave up working so near children. I needed to get away, I needed emotional distance; I needed to come up with a different role for myself beside "mother." I went back to school, I got my degree in a completely unrelated field, and continued on with my life.

Everyone seems fond of saying, "Well, there's always adoption," and I suppose they're right; but it always seems like a trite thing to say, or something that is said when nothing else can be thought of to fill the silence. For the longest time I shied away from adoption. In my mind I thought it wouldn't be the same (this even though I know I was adopted by my father.) I wanted the opportunity to be pregnant for nine months, to feel a babe growing in my womb, to create life with the man I love and chose to spend my life with, to feel a wee one nursing at my breast. In short, I wanted it all.

Last summer after a trip to China a part of my opinion about adoption changed; seeing all those beautiful children --many of whom need a good home and a decent chance at life-- touched me irrevocably. I knew then that I could be a mother to a child who was not of my womb.

Mr McKenna and I have not pursued adoption, yet. We wanted to give conception another try, and possibly IVF as our insurance will pay for two attempts. When we have exhausted our options there, we will look towards adoption.

I know many well-meaning people say things like, "As soon as you adopt, you'll conceive," or like what was mentioned above, "As soon as you put it out of your head..." It's not that easy. I wish people would say nothing rather than offer this kind of advice.

And another thing, don't assume that just because I don't have children doesn't mean that I a) don't like children, b) don't want to hear about your pregnancy, c) don't want to talk about parenthood. My feelings have been hurt more than once by these thoughtless actions. Nothing hurts worse than being made to feel like a freak.

So that's it, that's my story. Not much more to say other than I feel for others who are in similar situations. I struggle with feeling like a failure because I'm not a mother; I think this is what has pushed me to succeed in other areas of my life, but it's an empty reward: I'd still give everything just to be a mom.

 

[cloudy]

My heart goes out to all of you.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

Well, it might seem like her fault, but my girl can't conceive because of her tubes being tied. It's really for the best, because of the dangers involved in later pregnancy (she's 36). She had it done over a decade ago, with the birth of her second child. At the time, she didn't want more children. At times, neither of us want children together. Other times, we do want them. But it's rough because, under more ideal circumstances, we would love to raise a child or two together. So, in a way, it's our fault....in another way, it's not. I still have the wonderful experience of being a stepfather (though that can be exasperating as hell too), so I won't complain too much. But it is still a sad matter, that by the time that we got together, we weren't in a good place to ever really have kids. At the time that she had it done, she was 23. I was 17. And she was married to another man. And we had never met, so she couldn't have known that she was going to meet me and we would fall in love. That didn't happen until after her divorce from her ex (who left her for a younger woman, nothing unusual there- classic midlife crisis, but still upsetting to her, of course). So, by the time that we met and got together, it was too late. I was 27. She was 33. Most unfortunate.....but we have decided to accept things as they are....

 

[Guest]

Factor V ?

yep, thats one of em add in protein C deficiency, antiphospho antilipid antibodies and a whole host of others and that makes my blood funky. i dont usually clot more than a normal person but if i do produce one, my body won't break it down.
this is not a new issue for women, however, they have only just recently, within the last 15 years or so began correlating this discreatia with miscarriage.

so, its worth the blood test, IMO.

i wish you the best Angela. youre in my thoughts.

 

[angela146]

Ness, good luck on your current go-round.

No, you weren't too forward.

Actually, Bill's feelings of guilt and loss are more intense than mine. It's more complicated for him, partially because he's a guy but more because his feelings of not wanting me to miss out are compounded by feelings of helplessness.

I've talked to my therapist about it. In fact, my mood swing "issues" with birth control meds was one of the reasons I went off of the pill which led us to decide to try to have children. So, it's all wrapped up and intertwined.

And there's an even more fundamental issue for us: our infertility has led us to question if we want to have children in the first place. I'll put that in another post.

You see, for you it's a matter of "whatever it takes to have children". In our case, having children isn't a "given".

 

[Ness73]

Fair enough. I guess you need to know if you really do want them - they're around for a long time once you do!

 

[angela146]

As I mentioned in a previous post, infertility has forced my husband and me to question having children at all.

When there was nothing standing in the way of having children, we were in "of course" mode.

We both like children. We're financially secure, bordering on "stinkin' rich". Neither of us is wrapped up in our careers as an ego thing. I work "outside the home" about 5 - 10 days a month.

"Of course" we wanted to have children. Sure, it was scary, but so what? Having children is part of life. Why wouldn't we want to?

But when we discovered that we couldn't have children the "normal" way, it became an issue of "Why do you want children?" "What's important about it?" "What's it worth to you?"

Is it important to have a "biological" child? Why? Why not?

Suddenly we have ethical dilemas. If we adopt a child, we are taking that child away from one of the thousands of other couples that want to adopt.

Do we want it that badly that we're willing to deprive someone else of something that they are desperate for?

Do we "want" to or do we "need" to? and Why? Aren't we just being selfish?

What would our lives be like if we didn't have children? That was a huge question that we never would have considered as seriously as we have to now that the decisions are more difficult.

Would we enjoy life more with children or without? Would we acomplish more? Would we be better off putting our time and energy into teaching and caring for other people's children? Would I be happier raising two or three children of my own, or would I be happier being a mentor/teacher/Girl Scout leader to litterally hundreds of children over my lifetime?

In fact, Bill is a teacher. Either way, he spends most of his day with kids. OK, they're older kids but still, is that enough?

And, by the way, eventually, our decision becomes permanent. If we wait too long, it's forever.

Sure, we were thinking about all of these things back when we were just having sex, but the sexual pleasure made it easier to gloss over all of that stuff and just do it.

With all the procedures and choices, you don't get to just "let it happen".

And faced with the direct decisions that we have to make, we're not so sure.

 

[angela146]

Then there's "the moment".

AI (and most other artificial procedures) have a specific moment where a doctor or nurse or someone asks "are you sure"? If you say "yes" they do something and that's it.

Especially in my case, the complications aren't on my side. We wouldn't have most of the multiple-attempts issues. There's a really good chance I would walk out of the office pregnant on the first attempt.

With sex, it's more subtle. You have some deniability. What day is it? Day 10? Well, maybe we'll get pregnant this time, maybe not.

And if you get cold feet, your spouse can help things along with a kiss and and a caress and get you all swept up in the moment so the rational "what the hell am I doing?" part of your brain doesn't kick in.

When I didn't have to say "yes," at least not right at the moment when it was happening, it was a lot easier to just do it.

Now I have to make decisions, make an appointment, go there on a specific day and actually ask for it. That turns the whole thing into a "rational decision".

 

[Vermilion]

Do we "want" to or do we "need" to? and Why? Aren't we just being selfish?

I've wondered about this myself and I can't honestly think of one reason that is entirely selfless when it comes to procreation. It just comes down, in the end, to how badly you want it I think...

xxx and all the best in your decision making
V

 

[Selena_Kitt]

yep, thats one of em add in protein C deficiency, antiphospho antilipid antibodies and a whole host of others and that makes my blood funky. i dont usually clot more than a normal person but if i do produce one, my body won't break it down.
this is not a new issue for women, however, they have only just recently, within the last 15 years or so began correlating this discreatia with miscarriage.

so, its worth the blood test, IMO.

It is. I've had clients with this issue, docs are way more aware of it than they once were...

sorry they didn't catch yours, Vella, but I'm glad you had the children you did...

for everyone else...

 

[Eilan]

to all of you.

My husband and his ex-wife both had documented medical issues (he had to have a varicocele repaired, she didn't ovulate regularly) that made them unable to conceive, and six years' worth of the stress of trying to have a baby destroyed their marriage. Toward the end of the marriage, his ex played the blame game and generally behaved horribly, saying things like, "If you'd given me a baby, I wouldn't have cheated/run up significant bills/etc," or "I've done more to try to have a baby than you have."

Both of them went on to have children with other partners.

 

[Ness73]

Just a quick update...no luck this time. So back to the injections and a little bit of surgery. But not until after my holiday, so I get to go bungy jumping and laze in the mineral spas - small consolation, but hey, shit happens. And you never know what may happen on holiday...besides the fact that I am going with my entire family, Mum and Dad, brothers and sister and their partners - probably not too much chance for some lovin'! Hotel walls are notoriously thin!

 

[S-Des]

I have been trying to conceive off and on for the past thirteen years. Never once have I succeeded. Through the years different diagnosis have come to light: I have hypothyroidism, as well as Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome.

I know it's not impossible for women to conceive who have PCOS; I've heard hundreds of positive stories, but still I remain childless. PCOS is a syndrome that messes with your endocrine system, among other things. It affects my hormonal balance which in turn affects not only how my body processes insulin, but my ovulation as well. I have gone months and months without menstruating or ovulating; a few years ago I was diagnosed with PCOS. There is no cure for the syndrome, but there are medications available to help with the symptoms. I have been on these medications since 2004. Although it's not a "requirement" to have cysts on your ovaries in order to be diagnosed with PCOS, I do have cysts. Basically, I have eggs up there that try to drop, but end up not quite making it; eventually they turn into cysts on my ovaries.

This sounds a lot like what my ex had. She was 38 and had been told for years by her doctor (who she had to see a lot) that she couldn't get pregnant, not even with fertility treatments. With that in mind, we had unprotected sex (despite both of us knowing we weren't a long-term match), and suprise surprise, along comes my daughter. She's perfectly healthy and a complete shock to everyone. Don't give up, it doesn't happen for everyone, but there's always a chance. I think adoption is a beautiful thing (giving a child a chance at a better life), but I can empathize with you about how much you want to have your own. Just follow your heart...you'll do the right thing.