Inexperienced Virgin...Please Be Gentle

[mellowgyrl]

Virgin doesn't really begin to describe me or my writing. I've always written for myself and only recently considered writing for others. I've lurked here for a while and finally collected enough courage to submit a story of mine. I had a hard time deciding which story as some of my writings are 10K words or more. The one I submitted and am now seeking feedback from is just under 5K and by far my shortest story ever (I really don't consider it a story as my other stories have more developed plots but also are much longer and I wasn't sure how received a longer story would be here).

I'm a novice and do understand criticism is necessary and expect it. I appreciate any and all comments and suggestions you can offer to help improve my writing. Many thanks in advance!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=330868

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I was a little disappointed. Layla acts more like a brainless tiny--bopper than a young woman. Your story is quite well written, but there are some grammatic errors that could have been picked up with a good edit.

The major thing about this story is lack of motivation on the part of Layla. She goes to the club because she always goes to the club, and gets laid. Ok, so tell me. What sets this story apart from a thousand others posted on Lit?

The thing that really killed it was when Layla takes Sean home, then leaves him standing in the street while she sneaks in the house to clean up her room. More than anything else that exhibits a "Give a shit whether I get fucked or not" attitude. In real life, wouldn't Layla be in such a hurry she would forget about the mess and drag Sean down to the basement kicking and screaming, leaving a trail of clothes on the way?

You need to watch the length of your paragraphs. When the exceed 6 or 9 screen lines they become hard to read. You will get more reads if your take your long paragraphs and break them up.

But not a bad first effort. Keep writing. I expect good stories from you, girl.

 

[mjl2010]

Like Jenny, I think it's a good first submission. The paragraph thing is a big one with me. I find them particularly hard to read when they get longer than four to six sentences. It might be my monitor or my eyes I don't know. Long paragraphs will get you more backclicks than anything else.

There were a couple of things that bugged me about the story. First I thought it should have been in erotic couplings. Not much romance here. A chance meeting at a club, she brings him home and has sex with him. Fun yes. Sexy yes. Romantic. Not very.

A few story flaws that jumped out at me.

So when the cops showed up, he put his dick back in his pants and left her boobs hanging out. Not very nice of him.

Running his hands up her thighs gave him the hardest erection he ever had. This bugged me. Guys get erections, they get hard. One woman might make him feel more lust than another, but he'll have the same hard dick for either.

The way he entered her on the hood of the car made it sound like she wasn't wearing panties. Then later he encounters her thong.

Oh wait a minute. She locks the door AFTER the sex is over. And if she was so worried about her parents finding out he was in there, why didn't she have him out the door?

Yeah there's a few grammar thingies you need help with, but not so terribly bad. Editors are good at finding those and I get my stuff back with lots of red fixes. Editors can be hard to find and you might need to post some stories before anyone agrees to help. I did.

Welcome to Lit. Keep writing. You did good kid, for a virgin anyway.

MJL

 

[mellowgyrl]

Thank you both so much for taking the time to review my story. All of your suggestions and critiques were well recieved and I will incorporate them immediately.

I will definitely keep working to improve! Thanks again!

 

[mjl2010]

By the way Mellow. That's an interesting sig line.

MJL

 

[mellowgyrl]

By the way Mellow. That's an interesting sig line.

MJL

Thanks.........I think. I'm a music fan - love lyrics.

 

[Clayton Long]

For a first story, I thought it was pretty good. OK, yes, there was the paragraph thing and some minor spelling issues but other than that technical stuff, you made a good attempt at story and character development. You even had the courage to tackle dialogue which can be a risky business.
Now, maybe this is just my male perspective but the sex seemed to be over almost as soon as it started (the penetration bit anyway). It seemed to me to be a bit of a waste of effort developing the whole scenario the way you did, only for the whole climax to be over in a flash. That would be the major drawback for me.

A couple of other minor details - the 'hardest he'd ever been' comment This was a story from Layla's POV so how would she know?
The "Ooooh" outburst from him when Layla starts sucking him - sure, in real life we are likely to make all sorts of noises when you girls get hungry like that but it made him sound a bit like a 14 year old virgin to me.
Keep writing, I can see huge potential.

 

[ninefe2dg]

Hi there...

Hi Mellowgyrl, I'd echo most of the comments you've already received, certainly it was a very entertaining read. I think the suggestions you've gotten make sense, and should help you. I thought Layla's description was very sexy (you had me at "amaretto"...yum!). I wouldn't have minded seeing more character development...was her tryst with Sean "usual" for her or out of the ordinary? Was were her motivations? Why would Sean take to her, other than she was drunk and easy?

I would not have minded having the sex drawn out a bit more as well. I'd like to see your longer stories as well, where, as you say, the plots and characters are developed more. We don't mind that!

Good effort!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi Mellow and welcome to Lit. Hope you enjoy the madhouse.

There seems to be a consensus so I won't repeat the same things.

Picking up on one of Jenny's points about being the same as many lit stories, I just felt you were falling between two stools. On the one hand you were trying to develop a story with conflict - elderly parents, ill mother, generation gap and church - yet, on the other hand you were really writing a stroke piece as there was no reason beyond porn movie logic for Sean and Layla to be having sex.

The first part of the bedroom sex scene was a bit stilted - without dialogue and use of the senses it was a bit of a sports commentary. When the dialogue and the scarves came out it got a lot better.

A lit page is over 3K words and I would guess standard length is around 7K/2pages. Don't worry about 10K words being too long - it's not. Over 15K and you might consider spilitting into 2 chapters to post.

A pretty good first shot but you can do better. Throw caution to the winds and be a bit bolder - whether in porn, pathos or humor. Never mind 'amaretto skin', it was the thought of 'butter pecan arms' sliding round my waist got me going.

Well done and post another story soon.

 

[ninefe2dg]

Hi Mellow and welcome to Lit. Hope you enjoy the madhouse.

There seems to be a consensus so I won't repeat the same things.

Picking up on one of Jenny's points about being the same as many lit stories, I just felt you were falling between two stools. On the one hand you were trying to develop a story with conflict - elderly parents, ill mother, generation gap and church - yet, on the other hand you were really writing a stroke piece as there was no reason beyond porn movie logic for Sean and Layla to be having sex.

The first part of the bedroom sex scene was a bit stilted - without dialogue and use of the senses it was a bit of a sports commentary. When the dialogue and the scarves came out it got a lot better.

A lit page is over 3K words and I would guess standard length is around 7K/2pages. Don't worry about 10K words being too long - it's not. Over 15K and you might consider spilitting into 2 chapters to post.

A pretty good first shot but you can do better. Throw caution to the winds and be a bit bolder - whether in porn, pathos or humor. Never mind 'amaretto skin', it was the thought of 'butter pecan arms' sliding round my waist got me going.

Well done and post another story soon.

Saw someone today with amaretto skin and butter pecan arms...whew! *fanning self*...thought of this story! Those are awesome descriptors!

 

[Guest]

Great Start

Mellowgrl, First of all, great story and thanks for posting it. It definitely turned me on. I think you've got a lot of useful feedback from everyone else, both for this story and future projects, but let me add a couple comments.

First, consider point of view. This story is mostly in third person, limited POV, because we mostly see things through Layla's eyes. This is a really great POV for a sex story, because the reader wants to vicariously feel what Layla feels. The flip side though is that Layla can't know anything about Sean, unless he tells her or it is otherwise explained. Case in point, his hard on: she met him a couple hours ago, there's no way she would know this is his biggest hard on ever. Maybe he could tell her or it could be the biggest hard on SHE'S ever felt (also someone else point out: us men are undiscriminating in a sense, when we're turned on our dick is usually as hard as ever. Nothing personal, it's just you're ALL so beautiful and we'd love to penetrate each and every one of you... ;-) ) Towards the end of the story, when the scarves come into play, there are similar problems: you're telling us what Sean is thinking, not what Layla is experiencing. Keep it in her point of view! It's so much sexier that way, especially if this is something new to her.

Consider revising the first part. Up until she and Sean pull up to her house, it's your typical girls night out--nothing exciting here. You could even begin the story there with just a couple quick flashbacks--her mom yelling at her, dancing at the club, but tell us how she felt! We've all been to clubs, etc, etc, nothing exciting there, but how did she feel dancing with this exotic stranger? Did she feel her pussy getting wet? When he brushed against her, could she feel his cock bulging inside his pants? How did she feel when she saw him looking down her neckline (c'mon you're a woman, guys look at your tits all day long, how does it feel? How about when it's a hot guy? Give us the juice!)? How did she feel when they danced and his hands slid down from her waist to her ass? In other words, whatever you do with the first part, cut it down to the HEAT, the sexy, hot pussies and hard dicks. You've had a one night stand, right? I have, and I don't remember the banal, waiting in line for drinks, couldn't hear my friends cause the music was loud, etc, I remember coming together in an amazing union with another soul. That's hot.

Similiarly, work on the ending. You build up this amazing one night stand, sneaking about, passion, scarves, sex play, and then he just jizzes and they go to sleep? Rip off!!! How did she feel with him inside her? What did she do, say, act? Did she grab him here, there, any where? Did he kiss her? How did she feel when he came inside her? Again, you've had sex with guys, you've had them eat you out, they've cum inside you, you've cum with them, channel that. Show Layla experiencing that!

Really though, this is a great story with much promise. When you revise this or write another, you should post it here for everyone...

Hope this helps!

 

[EbonyFire77]

I think what everyone's got to remember is when you're writing a submission for the first time, you don't know what to expect until you've made mistakes. Yes, she made a few mistakes-- who hasn't?

Character development, plot flow, grammar, sexual descriptions-- all take some practice to figure out what works and what doesn't. I'm still rather a virgin myself, only having submitted two stories, but I've learned a lot. It also helps to have an editor who will take the time into giving you feedback.

I personally don't think any author here really writes a GOOD story free of flaws until maybe their 5th or 6th.

 

[crzyb6809]

New to this too

My story has not been posted yet, but after reading yours, and the posts I can already see where some of my errors are. Thanks for letting me learn from some of your oops. It was a good story, hope I get as much feed back, they are very informative.