Inactively D/s?

[FloggingMolly]

Is anyone else in the situation where you are with your regular D/s partner, but you aren't actively interacting in that way?

We're running at a vanilla level at present, though there are a few areas where it sneaks in. However, we just aren't interacting like we have in the past, D/s wise.

This thread may make little sense, my brain isn't making a good job of written communication today.

 

[Mads]

Gah, I saw the thread title and thought "great, not just us then".

 

[FloggingMolly]

Gah, I saw the thread title and thought "great, not just us then".

LMAO. Sorry sweets, it might well be

 

[graceanne]

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by interacting at a vanilla level? Do you mean in day to day interactions or that you're not having kinky sex very often? Or both?

K and I haven't had anything more kinky than a few smacks on the butt since we moved in here. It's a doublewide manufactured home, and the walls are paper thin - you can hear EVERYTHING. Talk about a mood killer, I'm telling ya. Truthfully, we didn't that often before - kinky sex takes energy and time we don't always have.

As for day to day interactions, I've always considered our relationship to be pretty D/s, even before we knew the terms and were having kinky sex. He's a lot more dominant than me, in most areas. I'm the dominant parent, though, because I'm the one with them every day. If you ask the kids they'd probably say I'm the boss, but that's just because I'm THEIR boss. lol

What I'm wondering is if you think that just because you aren't doing it like the stories, every day, if you suddenly don't qualify as being in a D/s relationship and I can tell you that most of us in a 24/7 relationship will tell you that our days are pretty 'normal' - unless you're independently wealthy it's impossible to live like those stories all the time.

 

[teacher561611]

yes to your question.

The reason for us is because of her health right now.

 

[Bandit58]

kinky sex takes energy and time we don't always have.

Too true. What with Sir being on dialysis every 2nd day and suffering insomnia and chronic pain most of the time, we don't often get the time to be kinky We still have sex in one form or another, just not as often as we might like.

However I seem to have incorporated the "service" mindset into our daily routine i.e. He gets served first with meals and cuppas, doing the whole dialysis rigmarole, if He asks for something He gets it, etc. You can still feel like you're being of service even if it doesn't include the kink side

 

[seela]

Yes, and I have been problems dealing with it. We were very heavily D/s up until maybe January, and it was both inside the bedroom as well as outside, so the change has been very dramatic. We're now at a point, where he has told me, he has no interest in dominating me or anyone else anymore. In fact, he's told me that he'd like to try the other end of the spectrum sexually.

He's having a really rough time at work, and he's also finishing his PhD and getting ready for defending it, so I know he has a lot of stress at the moment. And that's probably the reason why he's most his interest in domination. It still doesn't make it any more pleasant from my end, and I feel very guilty about wanting our relationship to be the way it's been the past four years.

I think it's normal these things wax and wane. I'm sure we'll find our way back on the same track we were on before, and I truly love him, so I'm definitely not even considering giving up on the relationship. We have had times before, when kinky sex wasn't on our plates, but his lack of interest in "being in charge" out of the bedroom is new and really requires some getting used to from my part.

But no, you're not alone in this.

 

[Kurokami]

Me and mine have hit kind of a slump too; my sister's just moved into the apartment right next to ours, and we're both too wary with how much she can hear to try anything particularly heavy. That, and I'm trying to work around a broken wrist; my nerves in that area are completely severed, so I wouldn't be able to feel if I'm hurting it. The end result is that I've either got to be extremely delicate with it, which precludes anything terribly strenuous, or go nuts and delay the healing process. It's a hard decision.

Sometimes life just gets in the way, I guess...

 

[ImOnIt]

The end result is that I've either got to be extremely delicate with it, which precludes anything terribly strenuous, or go nuts and delay the healing process. It's a hard decision

Future self here, take good care of your hand!

 

[graceanne]

Too true. What with Sir being on dialysis every 2nd day and suffering insomnia and chronic pain most of the time, we don't often get the time to be kinky We still have sex in one form or another, just not as often as we might like.

*nods lots*

However I seem to have incorporated the "service" mindset into our daily routine i.e. He gets served first with meals and cuppas, doing the whole dialysis rigmarole, if He asks for something He gets it, etc. You can still feel like you're being of service even if it doesn't include the kink side

Yep, I hear you. For me it's stuff like getting up when he does and making him breakfast.

 

[seela]

Like gracie and Bandit, I too have found myself feeling a lot more service oriented and have incorporated it in many small details of our daily life as the other stuff has deminished in our relationship. But after it being pretty much everything I've gotten in 5 months, I've started to notice, it's not enough for me anymore. At first, when his interest in D/s started to drop, mine did too and it wasn't a problem for us at all. Lately, though, I've started to crave control, which is strange, because it's not something I particularly cared for one way or another before.

Like I said in my previous post, I'm fairly certain things will get back on track when he gets his PhD done. He's been working on it really hard lately, so much so that it looks like it'll be done several months earlier than we first thought.

Kurokami, please, please take care of your wrist and let it heal properly. It'll save you a lot of work and worry later on in your life. This is coming from someone, who has already had their wrist operated twice!

 

[SirLeo]

If you are lucky enough to be together for 20 years like m and I, then you will undoubtably experience peaks and valleys. Try to read the subtle signals to know when to push and when to back off and if something really starts to be of concern to you, then you must talk about it. Once you start to bury things, its very difficult to get them back in the open again. Good luck.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Have to say ours has been less than what we would like of late. We are both aware of it, neither of us are happy about it, but it is how things are for now. F has been under a lot of pressure at work, I am fighting several medical problems at the moment which is keeping me less than functioning anywhere near acceptable....bare necessities if that. I did tell him it might help to get more into where we would be happy, but he is not prepared to risk making things worse under the circumstances, and likely that is the wise decision. We look at it as a necessary and temporary slow down which will improve once we get on top of my health and the pressure eases up.

Catalina

 

[FloggingMolly]

glad to see it isnt just us.

Real life is such a pain sometimes, aint it?

 

[IrisAlthea]

glad to see it isnt just us.

Real life is such a pain sometimes, aint it?

Still beats the alternatve, though.

 

[FloggingMolly]

Oh yeah, I'd rather have him vanilla than someone else D/s

 

[shy slave]

You really are not alone.

Think it's like most relationships, they go through phases.
I found it hard when the Ds waned, sort of lost. When you have had rules, ways of being and acting, then suddenly they take a back seat, it feels personal.

I could not cope when that happened. Once Andante and I ended in 2007, relationship worked in quite the same way.
It seemed that every relationship afterwards had that element of Ds taking a back seat eventually.

I have a healthy respect for those who continue forward, but for me, I need to know where I am in a relationship otherwise the insecurity is too difficult.

I know for many people it's temporary and often due to outside stresses. Have been told that when it returns it can be better, stronger and more meaningful

 

[graceanne]

glad to see it isnt just us.

Real life is such a pain sometimes, aint it?

Yep.

Still beats the alternatve, though.

Pun intended?

 

[IrisAlthea]

Yep.




Pun intended?

No, I can't take credit. It sneaked in while I was looking the other way.

 

[graceanne]

No, I can't take credit. It sneaked in while I was looking the other way.

Those sneaky puns.