In the closet

[Orange Devil]

Warning: This post may turn into a nonsensical rant or just plain suck

So I know I'm not exactly a regular here, not even a regular lurker really, just occasionally, but I'm bored out of my mind and was reading through some threads here and read the one about how hard it is to meet doms/subs and happened upon someone's reply going along the lines of "you think it's hard now, you should've been around before the internet".

Now I gave that some thought and as a reply to the mentioned thread it does make alot of sense. I mean hell, without the internet I wouldn't have met my girlfriend, and judging from that thread apparently things are the same for quite a few posters on this forum. However the internet has also allowed a lot of anonimity, something much appreciate by many. On the other side though, I think I can pretty much state it as a given that bdsm is in the closet. Could be just me, but I don't know anyone in real life other then myself and my girlfriend of whom I know they are into bdsm. Though obviously it's mostly really none of my business, I still know from quite a bunch of people that they are gay, although that is really none of my business either.

In the same vein, if I would be gay I would have absolutely no problems about telling my parents about it (ofcourse also has alot to do with my location, but still, the principle), while I wouldn't ever want them to find out I'm into bdsm, and them visiting invariable means hiding a whole bunch of stuff, including some handcuffs we got hanging around that are really mostly just for decorative purposes. And while there are gay celebrities, I at least don't know any that are openly into bdsm.

BDSM thus, is quite in the closet (not a very shocking conclusion there), and I would expect it to be so for most people. For my personal situation, people finding out would be kinda bad, while my girlfriend could get serious negative effects in her job because of it, which is quite a bit worse. Furthermore, you never know if it won't come back years later to negatively affect for example a job (mostly because of internet).

On the flip side of the internet making it perhaps easier to meet people because the amount of people one might get into contact with increases tremendously compared to just local people, as well as the anonymity allowing people to be more open and honest about their bdsm side. However, I was thinking, this anonymity may also reinforce bdsm being in the closet in the future, as there's not so much a need for it to become more open and start slowly getting more accepted, like homosexuality over the past 50 years. Obviously bdsm isn't exactly a sexual orientation, but what would be wrong about more understanding from the average person, as opposed to "wow that's really sick, perverted, wrong, etc" or even "you are abusing/raping" or in very extreme cases "you are equal to a pedo" (I guess you'll always keep the nutjobs, but still). But since on the internet anonymity reigns, while in real life shutting up about it completely or only telling closest friends in my experience from both reading online as well as personal experience seems to be very common, I don't see bdsm getting out of the closet in my lifetime really, and I'm pretty young.

I was wondering about this for a bit and couldn't find any threads about it in the library or search (though admittedly didn't search that long). Any comments or views on this would be appreciated, if anyone managed to make any sense out of my thoughts that is.

 

[Chicklet]

I disagree.

People that are going to stay closeted about their kink are going to stay closeted for whatever reasons; however, the internet allows the people who aren't afraid to be public to find their community.

I found the BDSM community in my area online. I talked to people online before I started going to events. I meet hundreds of people who would never have had the courage to come out into the community if they hadn't talked about it online and realized that there is a huge community out there ready to embrace them.

The internet adding anonymity? No. It allows people who want to experiment the ability to talk about things the might never have spoken out loud about in the first place. It's a stepping-stone.

I also don't really believe in a kinky closet. You're kinky, or you're not. You don't have to be all out full fledged master/slave to be kinky. You don't have to scream it to the hills to enjoy kink. You can just read erotica and enjoy kink.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Warning: This post may turn into a nonsensical rant or just plain suck

So I know I'm not exactly a regular here, not even a regular lurker really, just occasionally, but I'm bored out of my mind and was reading through some threads here and read the one about how hard it is to meet doms/subs and happened upon someone's reply going along the lines of "you think it's hard now, you should've been around before the internet".

Now I gave that some thought and as a reply to the mentioned thread it does make alot of sense. I mean hell, without the internet I wouldn't have met my girlfriend, and judging from that thread apparently things are the same for quite a few posters on this forum. However the internet has also allowed a lot of anonimity, something much appreciate by many. On the other side though, I think I can pretty much state it as a given that bdsm is in the closet. Could be just me, but I don't know anyone in real life other then myself and my girlfriend of whom I know they are into bdsm. Though obviously it's mostly really none of my business, I still know from quite a bunch of people that they are gay, although that is really none of my business either.

In the same vein, if I would be gay I would have absolutely no problems about telling my parents about it (ofcourse also has alot to do with my location, but still, the principle), while I wouldn't ever want them to find out I'm into bdsm, and them visiting invariable means hiding a whole bunch of stuff, including some handcuffs we got hanging around that are really mostly just for decorative purposes. And while there are gay celebrities, I at least don't know any that are openly into bdsm.

BDSM thus, is quite in the closet (not a very shocking conclusion there), and I would expect it to be so for most people. For my personal situation, people finding out would be kinda bad, while my girlfriend could get serious negative effects in her job because of it, which is quite a bit worse. Furthermore, you never know if it won't come back years later to negatively affect for example a job (mostly because of internet).

On the flip side of the internet making it perhaps easier to meet people because the amount of people one might get into contact with increases tremendously compared to just local people, as well as the anonymity allowing people to be more open and honest about their bdsm side. However, I was thinking, this anonymity may also reinforce bdsm being in the closet in the future, as there's not so much a need for it to become more open and start slowly getting more accepted, like homosexuality over the past 50 years. Obviously bdsm isn't exactly a sexual orientation, but what would be wrong about more understanding from the average person, as opposed to "wow that's really sick, perverted, wrong, etc" or even "you are abusing/raping" or in very extreme cases "you are equal to a pedo" (I guess you'll always keep the nutjobs, but still). But since on the internet anonymity reigns, while in real life shutting up about it completely or only telling closest friends in my experience from both reading online as well as personal experience seems to be very common, I don't see bdsm getting out of the closet in my lifetime really, and I'm pretty young.

I was wondering about this for a bit and couldn't find any threads about it in the library or search (though admittedly didn't search that long). Any comments or views on this would be appreciated, if anyone managed to make any sense out of my thoughts that is.

That sentence really sums it up. 20 years old. You are very young. You have a lot of living yet to do and a lot of history to learn and make.

It's easy to make absolute statements like this when you have practically no life experiences behind you.

Keep your eyes and your mind open. You have a lot of life ahead of you.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Some days I really wish I could talk to my girlfriends about my Master the way they chat about their SOs (significant others). Some days I feel isolated and maligned because of my kink. Some days Master and I slip up in public and people automatically get the mistaken impression that he's an abusive asshole and I'm some spineless, terrified woman. Some days, being 'in the closet' sucks.

Having said all that, I think that BDSM differs greatly as a 'sexuality' if you will from homosexuality. The main reason that we are destined to remain, if not 'in the closet' then in a closed and separate community, is because for every decent person practising consensual BDSM there are more than a few abusive asshats. Rightly or wrongly (and i may get your thread flamed for this so, apologies) I think that if BDSM were to become an accepted 'norm' in the way that homosexuality has, it would create an acceptable public face for sexual violence and domestic abuse.

I think of this argument in the same way that although I believe in euthanasia and the right of a person in control of their reasoning and judgement to end their life when they are terminally ill, I also believe absolutely that if it was ever legalised in the UK there would be widespread abuse by people who would rather see their elderly relative commit suicide on a low day than lose their inheritance to years of nursing home fees.

This is all just my opinion. Most often, the fact that hardly anybody knows about the dynamic between Master and I just makes it more special. The people we would choose to tell, do know and it's none of anyone else's business. The bond that we have and the way that our public persona differs from the real 'us' just makes us closer as a couple and more grateful to have found someone with whom we connect on every level.

So it's not all bad and right now I like things the way they are. I don't feel maligned in any way, I just feel a bit different and special.

 

[Etoile]

BDSM isn't in the closet. Some people may be in the closet about their BDSM proclivities, but BDSM itself is not in the closet, and there are plenty of people who aren't closeted.

 

[greeneyed_Lady]

Hmmmm... Further to what Etoile said, BDSM isn't in the closet at all. There's lots of things out there for public consumption that have brought BDSM more into mainstream public view. There are, however, many many PRIVATE players. While BDSM might be more in the public eye, the acceptance of those that play is probably still a long way off.

I consider myself rather lucky in that I have a number of good friends who are in the lifestyle, as well as a really close vanilla girl friend who I can confide some of my adventures to. Would I like to discuss it with my parents or sibling?? Um.. probably not. I have enough disapproving comments from them now as it is, I can only imagine what they would say if they knew about my *playtime*.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

To echo Etoile BDSM is NOT in the closet, PEOPLE are in the closet.

Google is your friend. Enter the search term BDSM, <location of choice> and you will get hits for BDSM groups in your area. For example, "BDSM, Columbia, SC" yields up in the first 4 hits:

This Thing That We Do - T3WD - BDSM Columbia, SC
Columbia, SC Check Out Our 4th Annual VENDOR'S FAIR! T3WD (This Thing That We Do) is a pansexual BDSM group based in the Columbia, South Carolina area. ...
www.t3wd.org/ - 9k - Cached - Similar pages - Note this

Carolina BDSM - NC/SC BDSM Groups and Clubs
T3WD was founded in August, 1999, to provide Columbia, SC and surrounding areas with a pansexual BDSM support group. To that end, we have tried to be as ...
www.carolinabdsm.com/clubs_groups.php - 15k - Cached - Similar pages - Note this

BDSM--find the local scene near YOU!
Columbia: This Thing That We Do; a pansexual BDSM support and education group serving Columbia, SC and the surrounding area. Subscribe to the e-mail list or ...
www.darkheart.com/usalist.html - 113k - Cached - Similar pages - Note this

Master Regi-'s 2002 Links
A history of BDSM / Leather folks, events, and groups, their support, participation and influences in, around, and stemming from Columbia, SC. ...
www.geocities.com/regi_7344/Links2002.html - 28k - Cached - Similar pages - Note this

BDSM is OUT and easy to find, thank you internet. The broader your search area the more likely you are to find groups clubs, even dungeons, near you.

Enjoy the hunt.

 

[cati]

I've always thought that BDSM was widespread in the Netherlands or is that KINK itself is widespread. I got that notion from watching "Sin Cities" ..chuckles
....and so many kinky folk in Britain or are ALL of them just on the Internet?
That's still quite a few in my book..scads and scads....

The fact that the young gent who posted this topic is only twenty explains how it seems so new to him...and that's OK. Just as a DesertRose said so much time to learn and enjoy!