In Search of Bouquets and Brickbats.

[Rumple Foreskin]

It's probably a sign of a mis-spent youth, that here in my dotage I've just posted a two part story Dis-Orderly Conduct Ch 1 & 2 (should have been called "parts", not chapters).

Any input would be appreciated, especially your thoughts on the time, scene, and POV shifts plus the quality (or lack of the same) of the "sexually oriented content". The stories are listed under Erotic Coupling and are curretnly also in the New section. Here are the URL's. Many thanks. RF

Ch.1 http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=35740

Ch.2 http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=36473

 

[rigged4dive]

I envy your command of the written English language. Your mechanics, at least to my largely unpracticed eye, are outstanding.

The absolute best thing about this story, as far as I’m concerned, is the first line.
____________________________

Cindy Mitchell, a newly minted nurse and young wife, was in the process of getting gloriously fucked.
____________________________


Man, that is right up there with, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,” or, “Call me Ishmael.”

Something about the characterization just didn’t resonate with me. Couldn’t really find anything to really make me give a damn about either character one way or the other. Wish I could be more specific, but I’m just not author enough to know how to fix it. Maybe some actual interaction between Ray and Cindy.

I like the point of view shift, and both characters were easily distinguishable and well written. I would have prefered to see the POV shifts just used to continue the story from a diferent perspective rather than rehash the allready told part of the story.


If there is a sequel, I’ll definitely read it.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

rigged4dive, (great handle)

Many thanks for the input and the kind words. The story was something of an experiment. Repeating a scene through another character's POV is frowned upon and conventional writing wisdom is to avoid shifts in a short story. Naturally, I had to give both of those a try. RF

 

[KillerMuffin]

I have to second my unresounding joy in the opening line. It's fabulous. A beautiful example of a successful hook. Normally I preach active voice in the first paragraph, but then it takes some effort to find a good passive first line.

I'll read the rest soon. I promise. Really.

 

[dagny]

2 minds are better then one

The shift of the point of view in the 2 parts of your story was unique and carried off very well. Most of the times I have seen that attempted, I either hitting a brick wall while reading, or was left re-reading, trying to figure out what happened. You shared into the mind of both of your characters, with out loosing a stroke of momentum. Great piece.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

dagny

Thanks for the kind words. Working on that piece was fun, but at times it felt like walking a tight rope. Glad you think I didn't fall on my butt. RF

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

KillerMuffin,

I considered reporting you to a moderator on charges of immoderate use of double negatives.
Lucky for you it only took one trip to the Webster's to figure out that if some one (or thing) is, "serahimically disinclined," they/it must be "impishly inclined."

"Unresounding joy," was a bigger chore since I first had to double check on what, "resounding joy," meant, then try to parse the possibility of having some plain old, "sounding joy."

Watch your step next time or I might be "undisinclined" to bring you up on charges.

Now that you've been sufficiently admonished, thanks for the kind words about that first sentence. I'm looking forward to the day you beat up on the rest of them. RF

 

[rigged4dive]

Oh, my God...

LMAO

 

[sweet_sex_kitten]

RF-

I really liked the p.o.v. shift change as well as the characters. There aren't really any glaring errors that I could see, but there were a few spelling errors. All in all it was well written and entertaining.

SSK

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

SSK,

Thanks for taking the time to check over my work.

I probably messed up by dividing the story, but there was a problem about what catagory to place it in due to the short section at the end involving Ray and his cousin.

Looking forward to your next submission, so to speak.

RF

 

[mishap00]

All in all I liked it.

I did however, get a serious case of deja vu reading the differing points of view. I really enjoyed the rich feeling that it gave, but it still irritated me. I'm not really sure why.

Consider kudos given though, and keep up the good work.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Mishap00,

Many thanks for the kudos, which are gratefully accepted. The deja vu part was tricky to write. Retelling the same scene from another person's point of view w/o making it overly repetitious was a very intersting challenge. RF