In need of some feedback

[racheldearest]

I'm relatively new and I'm looking for some feedback on how I can improve my writing. I've gotten a few views but not many comments, but the few that I did get let me know that there are some areas I need to work on. I have eight stories posted so far, and here's the one I think I did the best on: http://www.literotica.com/s/coconuts
Please read it and give me feedback on what can be improved.

 

[SimoneLisbon]

Okay, I think you may be losing your readers in the first few paragraphs. It's good that you want to show, not tell the readers, but you're dropping your character descriptions like a police report instead of a story. It's okay to leave some things to the imagination of the reader. If you want to write for readers, especially with erotica you want the reader to be able to identify or plug themselves into the role of your protaganist...You're not giving the readers that chance by starting off with full descriptions of your characters...

With a site like this you want to pull your reader in with your first few paragraphs. A trick with erotic writing is to put the sex out there in the first few lines, a tease if you will, a quick flash forward, example a line like, "I could feel the heat and thickness of my erect cock in my hand..." A line like that inspires the reader to keep reading, why is this person masturbating and who are they thinking of when they do?

If you choose to write for a target audience, you have to keep them in mind as you write, it's not about what turns you on, but what catches the reader's fancy...Of course you can continue to write for yourself, but it won't get you where you want to go with your writing...