In need of insight

[Ks_man]

.....

 

[Safe_Bet]

My first though upon reading your post was, "How the hell should I know?" Did she ever say "Why" she thinks he's gay? Did he say or do something "gay"?????

My second thought was, "Did he dump her, so she feels the need to believe that he must be 'gay' because he rejected her?"

My last thought was "Why is it such a big deal if he WAS gay or Bi?" FFS, after 13 years she needs to get some therapy or something if THAT is still bothering her!


P.S. I'm not diss'ing her. I just don't get the thought processes... ya know???

 

[Bystander]

ummm hmmmm....
only thing I can think of is that she might be thinking that she drove him into being gay... or after being with her he realized women were not for him. While it's not something that should matter it might be affecting her ego.

Shot in the dark there for ya.

 

[veryclever1980]

I think there must be a matter of betrayal, in her point of view.

Maybe, when they were together, she saw something. But the most important matter here is that she must overcome it, cuz it would affect your life too.

So, there are many ways you can help her, I'll mention two:

1- Raising the topic of Gay people, and try to focus on their pains and sorrows in life, because of being gay, focus on the problems that society caused for them,... ( You should create a sense of Empathy in her)

2- Focus on the matter that, the relationship between your wife and that guy, helped that guy to understand his feeling and chose the best way in his life.

 

[sunandshadow]

Sometimes a woman will look at a guy and think, wow he would make beautiful babies. From there it would be sad if he was never going to father any. But who knows if that has anything to do with this particular case. Not sure why you didn't just ask her, lol.

 

[A_Kefka]

She could be upset because she feels she was used. Even if there weren't strong feelings there must have been some attraction. But if she thinks hes gay, she might now feel she was just some expiriment for him instead of a caring companion, even a short term one. I think any time you have a relationship thinking things are one way and then find out later they were another you would likely be upset.

 

[texharley]

I have a strange situation I need some help with concerning my wife and I. I've always been a fan of the GLBT board and the great people on it so here is where I think this problem can be best addressed. Here goes:

Many years ago, when my wife and I were still dating, she and I separated for a few months (standard early 20s what-else-is-out-there feeling I suppose) and during that time she dated, and slept with another guy she'd known a while. After a short period we both realized we needed each other and got back together. Marriage, children and happiness have followed.

Flash forward to a year or two ago and we, through our intimate chatting, got on the topic of "the other guy" and what happened way back then. She got very quiet and sad and eventually confessed she strongly suspected that the guy may actually be gay. It was a very upsetting thing for her to discuss so I lended understanding and the subject passed.

A few nights ago it came up again and she is truly, genuinely saddened/hurt by the thought that this guy may be gay (she's not totally certain).

So here's my question:

Why is this upsetting? Does she feel betrayed by him? Tricked? I doubt very highly that she had very strong feelings for him so why should it matter? I don't want to dismiss her feelings or say anything wrong but most importantly I want to be able to help her find some peace of mind on this topic as it still bothers her greatly although it is 13 years later.

So can anyone offer some insight into what she may be feeling as she isn't able to offer any great revalations.

Finally, thanks for your time and consideration. I know this is a strange problem but her she's a wonderful wife and deserves to have me support and understand her feelings.

thank you,
Derek

I can only share how my wife feels. she believes being gay or bi is a very bad thing and is pervertered and against nature and God and is a sin. My wife does know I have had bi experiences and that I could be bi now but she also knows I am very faithul to her. She does not know I com on here and discuss my fantasies and desires to suck cock. My wife is bothered by my past experience and has problems dealing with the fact I have had a bi experience. I think she might suspect I am bi because I have told her that if she ever divorces me I would probably become very bi. Your lady may think the way mine does. My wife would be upset if I had sex with another women but would really be upset if she found out I lust for cock.

 

[guy_thing60]

maybe she is worried about...

I can only share how my wife feels. she believes being gay or bi is a very bad thing and is pervertered and against nature and God and is a sin. My wife does know I have had bi experiences and that I could be bi now but she also knows I am very faithul to her. She does not know I com on here and discuss my fantasies and desires to suck cock. My wife is bothered by my past experience and has problems dealing with the fact I have had a bi experience. I think she might suspect I am bi because I have told her that if she ever divorces me I would probably become very bi. Your lady may think the way mine does. My wife would be upset if I had sex with another women but would really be upset if she found out I lust for cock.

Hey, this is so close to my experience - except my wife is much more of a tolerant caring person. But religious, yes. I've been "faithful" [hate the terminology, nothing against you TH, but why equate "faith" with sexual exclusivity] - maybe fidelity is a better word. I haven't fucked, giving or receiving - other people... And she really doesn't know of my feelings or prior life experiences, and how sooo close I've been to doing it with men, a couple of times. Yes, it would probably freak her out.

But here's an idea. Any chance that she knows something, like that he really IS/WAS gay, and is worried that she was exposed to that bad, long dormant disease?? [referring to HIV here] Is this alleged gay guy still alive? I made sure before I remarried, took two screens months apart after quite a while -years- of celibacy...But I don't see this possibility mentioned by others. And straight, psychologically really straight people can get all upset about any type of sexual activity, it's so risky, y'know.

 

[Ks_man]

Wow, now those are some varied responses. I'm quite sure her emotions have nothing to do with being a homophobe or fearing HIV (didn't see that one coming).

I think it comes down to the fact that sex to her is a big deal in that she's been with me and him and that's it. I'm guessing that she feels like she really opened herself up (no pun intended) to a person she trusted and she may feel a bit tricked. I don't think it's real fair for her to feel tricked because if he had known he wouldn't have been with her, right? She can't be angry when he didn't do anything wrong.

I told her this and she agrees but said that her decision to sleep with someone else after only having been with me was a tough decision and she kind of regrets it. Nothing homophobic and certainly nothing HIV-related (still surprised by that one).

So I've zapped the original post. Thanks for the kind responses.

 

[Etoile]

Sometimes a woman will look at a guy and think, wow he would make beautiful babies. From there it would be sad if he was never going to father any. But who knows if that has anything to do with this particular case. Not sure why you didn't just ask her, lol.

How does being gay mean you won't be fathering any babies???

 

[guy_thing60]

How does being gay mean you won't be fathering any babies???

Very nice observation, Etoile. I've done very little same sex, but have had the thoughts for as long as I can remember. I think of myself as "bi-" but have children and grandchildren (I got an early start )

And I suggested the possibility that the wife of the thread originator might have some fear she isn't articulating solely because there didn't seem to be any rational reason for her concerns - but people who are really into supernatural belief systems have an amazing ability for non-rational thinking, so who knows.