In Need of Feedback On My Fics

[Kaialicious]

Hi, My name is Kaialicious and I would like to receive positive feedback on my fics. Yes, I have gotten reviews before, but I enjoy hearing from people who have read my stories. Please, don't be afraid to send me feedback. This Caribbean writer is waiting for your reply. ^_^

You can find my stories and profile here:

Kaia's Fics

 

[damppanties]

Hi Kaialicious,

Nice name.

I read Manufactured for Pleasure. I liked it a lot. The only problem I had was that the sex got too wordy. In my opinion, in an effort to use different words, you went a little overboard with 'blood-filled nubbin' and 'love tunnel'. I loved the idea and the way you started the story and it held my attention throughout. That was good.

Keep writing.

 

[Kaialicious]

Damppanties wrote:

The only problem I had was that the sex got too wordy. In my opinion, in an effort to use different words, you went a little overboard with 'blood-filled nubbin' and 'love tunnel'.

Thanks for your honesty. I admit that at the time that I wrote Manufactured for Pleasure I was either drunk on a thesauras or suffering from worditis. I apologize for having done that, really. I will try to check out your fics, and thanks for liking my name. I get a lot of comments on it. Its not that special, really.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Hi Kaia,

I read "Manufactured for Pleasure" too. (I don't know if you're going to get a lot of readers for the male-on-male stuff. At least not from males.)

I liked the idea, and I like the way you didn't spend too much time explaining the set-up. You pretty much presented it; take it or leave it, and I think it works that way.

At the same time it's a "high-concept" story, meaning that there's a lot you have to understand to make sense of it. That would seem to put it beyond the question of being realistic or not, but I had some trouble with the dialogue; it just didn't seem real to me. I don't know how a gentically engineered sex parttner would talk, but for some reason I don't think it would be like that.

You also have a tendency to use a lot of sentences of the same structure. Here's an excerpt:
----------------------------------------
Intense heat flowed through her veins. A fresh, copious amount of nectar coated the feline’s slithering tongue. He made a sound of approval and increased his labors. His efforts produced a stream of orgasms from his sex partner.
-----------------------------------------
You see? Every sentence is subject-verb-object. It gives a kind of sing-song effect to the prose after awhile.

But I do like your imagination, and I thought the story was fun. I'd like to see you continue the series with other 'lovers'

Best,
---dr.M.