I'm trying something new - feedback wanted

[HLD]

I've got a new story (in three parts) that just posted and I'd like to hear what other people think. This story is a lesbian story written in the first person, and I'm wondering if it comes off a plausible or if it sounds like I'm a guy trying to write as a woman.

Any feedback or comments you have would be greatly appreciated.

McKayla's Miracle, chapter 1

McKayla's Miracle, chapter 2

McKayla's Miracle, chapter 3

In reading them, I've found a handful of spelling, grammar and word choice errors, plus one glaring (but not really major) continuity error, but I'd really like to know what you guys think of the story.

Thanks in advance.

 

[sutherngent985]

SO far with the exception of the grammar stuff, Ive found it a good story.

 

[HLD]

Thanks, although I'm still bracing for the "you don't know what the hell you're talking about" flames.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

In view of the great comments and high scores you are getting, it is clear your McKayla story is very popular. However, since you asked for feedback, I’ll give you my two cents.

Your writing, grammar and editing are pretty good but you have a tendency to become verbose. Scenes sometimes hang because you give us a tad too much detail. We don’t need to know all the wine varieties Amberle has brought or the exact menu choices in restaurants etc. Your text could be tightened up by eliminating a lot of superfluity.

Yes, you do write lesbian sex as a man. (gravity-defying breasts?) There is a phallocentricity in your writing that is very evident in parts 1 and 2. The constant references to guys, dicks and orgasms take away from the plot tension of a young woman discovering her sexuality. The overly-telegraphed ‘impregnatation’ scene is too far-fetched. Lesbian lovers do not want to ape male behavior, many lesbian couples have children through artificial insemination and, in my opinion, it is a cheap plot device to link several unrelated events.

There is a big readership for male-oriented lesbian fiction but I got the impression that you were aiming to write a female-oriented style. Well, you did better than most, if no cigar.

As Allyson and I were walking back to her car, for some reason I turned over my shoulder to get one last glimpse of McKayla, who waved. I reflexively waved back.

"You know she's a lesbian, right?" Allyson said

My jaw dropped. I thought she was just friendly.

This is just silly.

I looked around nervously to see if anyone might be watching us. The fact that I had never held hands with a woman before made me wonder if I had bitten off more than I could chew, but that thought passed out of my head in an instant.

Of course she’d held hands with a woman before – her mother, sister, aunt, the friend in tenth grade and the arm in arm with a mate at the club. Then you dismiss the worry.

My problem with your McKayla story is that it came across to me as three totally separate and very well-worn plots. You start with – ‘I fell in love even though I’d never looked at a woman in that way before’. Part 2 is an analysis of homosexuality and religious opinion and part 3 is a tear-jerker with virtually no relevance to lesbianism. It could have slotted into Romance.

You also have a tendency in a long story to fail to develop your secondary characters. In 14 pages there is next to no sub-plot. Characters flitter in the background. Even Maureen just gets a fleeting cameo role.

Haven’t read your other stuff but I will. You clearly have a great deal of talent and write a good story. Just thought this wasn’t top rank – but clearly loads of others disagree. Success is the best weapon against us critics. The comments are given in good heart to someone who seems to be capable of great things.

Good luck, regards

Elle

 

[HLD]

Elle,

Thanks for your feedback. I had originally thought about submitting this story either under Romance (in which case I'd get all sorts of "wrong category, moron!" comments) or as a single piece in Novels & Novellas, but then I wondered if anyone would read something that was 13-15 screen pages long.

My problem was trying to find a female "voice" that sounded authentic. To me, a well-written story is a well-written story, no matter whose point of view is taken or who the author is, but I was trying to make it so that if you didn't know whether the author was a man or a woman, you would think it was a woman.

The thing about the food is an in-joke between me and some friends of mine; when I went on a cruise a couple of years ago, I kept a vacation diary which happened to record everything I had for dinner and they thought it was funny, so now when I write stories, I go out of my way to mention food just to give them a chuckle. (If you read my Impersonating Brianne story, in part 3, I write out a meal just for kicks).

Your point about the secondary characters and sub-plots is well-taken.

Thanks for your comments. I hope you'll read some of my other stories and apply the same critical eye to them, too.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Elle,

Thanks for your feedback. I had originally thought about submitting this story either under Romance (in which case I'd get all sorts of "wrong category, moron!" comments) or as a single piece in Novels & Novellas, but then I wondered if anyone would read something that was 13-15 screen pages long.

My problem was trying to find a female "voice" that sounded authentic. To me, a well-written story is a well-written story, no matter whose point of view is taken or who the author is, but I was trying to make it so that if you didn't know whether the author was a man or a woman, you would think it was a woman.

The thing about the food is an in-joke between me and some friends of mine; when I went on a cruise a couple of years ago, I kept a vacation diary which happened to record everything I had for dinner and they thought it was funny, so now when I write stories, I go out of my way to mention food just to give them a chuckle. (If you read my Impersonating Brianne story, in part 3, I write out a meal just for kicks).

Your point about the secondary characters and sub-plots is well-taken.

Thanks for your comments. I hope you'll read some of my other stories and apply the same critical eye to them, too.

I think the problems that Elle pointed out come from you trying too hard. First person has pitfalls. First person in the opposite gender has even more. It's hard because you don't think like a female.

All three stories were quite well written. But if you plan on continuing this, I would shift to third person. It tends to be neuter. I write guy and girly stories. That's the only effective way I've found to carry it off.

JJ

 

[HLD]

I've written a couple of stories in the third person with a female as the focal character (Lost Love and Impersonating Brianne) so maybe I'll stick with that style.



(Did you like how I slipped in a shameless plug for some of my other stories?)

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I defer to Elfin's comments as I agree with everything she said.

I found it hard to read your work and feel anything feminine about the character. I kept thinking she was a man. So, the answer to your question was, yes, it read like a man trying to pretend to be a woman.

 

[HLD]

I defer to Elfin's comments as I agree with everything she said.

I found it hard to read your work and feel anything feminine about the character. I kept thinking she was a man. So, the answer to your question was, yes, it read like a man trying to pretend to be a woman.

Thanks for your comments, too. I will definitely have to work on my feminine "voice".

 

[elfin_odalisque]

HLD

Looking at what drk, Jenny and I said, there is an assumption that you are a pretty accomplished writer who is stretching his limbs in new waters. As a bit of advice in males writing lesbian fiction try reading Evil_Alpaca and checking out Colleen_Thomas's 'How to write a lesbian story' (and the rest of her work).

In the best lesbian writing, 'orgasm' is not the be-all of everything. For a woman to 'let-go' requires a degree of comfort, trust and subtle desire that is, quite understandably, a tad alien to the male perspective.

Guys can write it, I've seen it, but it takes some effort.

 

[HLD]

Guys can write it, I've seen it, but it takes some effort.

Once Sanjaya gets kicked off American Idol (and I can stop sacrificing John Stevens CDs to the Music Gods), I will put more effort into writing more lesbian fiction.

At least now I have an excuse to read more lesbian stories when Mrs. HLD asks what I'm up to. "Research".

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Thanks for your comments, too. I will definitely have to work on my feminine "voice".

I've written two stories as a woman, they were a lot harder to write as I tried to put myself in her place, and think like a female.

It can be done, you just have to realize that women think differently than men, are aroused differently than men, and respond differently.