I'm supposed to be straight, but I met this one girl...

[Guest]

Okay guys, I really need some help with this one.

My entire life I've always claimed that I was straight. Straight as an arrow. A ruler. Eminem (that homophobic bastard), even!

Of course, I have always had a certain attraction to women. I haven't told anyone, but sometimes I get as turned on by a female as I do a male. Purely physical, though. I wouldn't mind messing around with a women, expiermenting, if you will, but I've never thought about taking -anything- farther than that.

But last night I met this awesome girl. She's got a great personality, she's way cute, and best of all, she's an out of the closet lesbian.

I really like her... wouldn't mind getting to know her better on that... certain level I've only ever gone with a guy.

I am so confused.

The worst part, though, is that she thinks that I'm totally straight, so I don't know if she would ever think of me like I'm thinking about her. And I don't know if I could afford to let her know, because I don't -know- what's really going on.

I know that sounds really bad, but if I am bisexual, I'm definitely not ready to come out.

Sorry, I know this is turning into a rant, but this is the only place I've thought of coming to with this.

I guess here's the real question, mostly aimed at all of the bisexual/lesbian women out there, but any other advice is welcome: how would I ever know if she was into me? Would you guys ever make an attempt to be with someone who was known as "straight"?

I know this all sound really lame, but I'm from a very small town, and I don't know much about anything. Haha. Thanks!

Sati

 

[Etoile]

I guess here's the real question, mostly aimed at all of the bisexual/lesbian women out there, but any other advice is welcome: how would I ever know if she was into me? Would you guys ever make an attempt to be with someone who was known as "straight"?

First of all, despite what Anne Heche might indicate, there's nothing wrong with being bisexual. Even if you're not ready to come out to the world, it's okay to come out to yourself - you mention you've long been turned on by women.

How would you know if she's into you? Well, if you've told her you're straight, she's unlikely to make a pass at you until you're better friends - and even then it's not likely. If you flirt with her (are you comfortable with that?), she might think you're leading her on, because you've told her you're straight - from her perspective, you'd just be teasing, not actually expressing the interest you mean to show. And you definitely don't want her to get the wrong impression!

I'd suggest talking to her about it, if you think she'd be cool with such a discussion. Mention that you're bi-curious, if you want, or even that you think you're bisexual but not sure. (Bi-curious tends to indicate someone wants to fool around once or twice to see what it's like, while bisexual tends to mean actually attracted to both.)

Personally, I've lusted after plenty of straight girls! But I've never done anything about it, so I think the ball is probably in your court.

 

[Guest]

How would you know if she's into you? Well, if you've told her you're straight, she's unlikely to make a pass at you until you're better friends - and even then it's not likely. If you flirt with her (are you comfortable with that?), she might think you're leading her on, because you've told her you're straight - from her perspective, you'd just be teasing, not actually expressing the interest you mean to show. And you definitely don't want her to get the wrong impression!


I think I knew that all along, but I didn't want to accept it. I think I was hoping that there was a chance of her making a pass, and it would give me the opportunity I need to tell her about myself. God... people who are "out" are so fucking brave, I can't even imagine. Maybe I'm just attracted to her because I actually -know- she's a lesbian. I mean, I've never really met anyone who was definitely into other women.

But man, is she cute. I could go on forever. Short. Short blond hair. Sporty. Not manly, but just tough.

See, there's the thing, though. I just thought to myself, would she be insulted if I told her that she wasn't manly? She wear's cologne, and wear's guy-styled clothing, but what is insulting, and what isn't?

I -so- don't know about any of this, and I think I've already fallen into the trap of needing to know to survive.

Uhg.


Sati

 

[Etoile]

Well, some people are out because they're brave...others are outed, or are just fit the stereotypes so well they can't help but be out of the closet. I'm out because it's who I am, and I won't hide...though not everybody needs to know, and I'm sure people who see me on the street don't think about my sexuality (that is, they assume I'm straight).

I do know what you mean about being attracted because you know she's gay. It's hard to explain how I understand, but I do know the feeling. "Hey, she's hot, and she swings my way! I wonder if she's single...." (And you may well have met other lesbians, but they weren't out.)

She's probably a butch or soft butch. I wouldn't bring the word "manly" into it, really - stick with butch. "Manly" isn't insulting, per se, but it's more politically and culturally charged than just "butch." Butch is a positive thing to most butches, so she wouldn't be insulted by that. I'm a fan of butches myself.

 

[deliciously_naughty]

I feel for you.

I always thought I was straight. Don't get me wrong, I was a total fag hag and loved my gay boys more than anything. But when I realized that I was attracted to women and more than in just an aesthetic way. I totally freaked out. I had to deal with my own latent homophobia (I'm not implying anything, just sharing my own experience).

It was almost a year before I "came" out as bisexual.

That was about 3 years ago. Right now I'm with a guy, and it's difficult for me to say that I would have more than this with a woman, but I don't want to remain closed to the idea either. If I've learned anything is that labels, regardless of what they are, are constrictive, and that sexuality is something that rarely fits into a nice neat category.

As for your situation with your blonde butch...I agree that you should talk to her about it directly. Did you just meet her, or are you friends? If you just met her, invite her out for coffee...it's a fairly innocuous offer. Over coffee/dinner/drinks/whatever you can feel her out a bit more. Ask her about her experience of realizing her sexuality, etc. If she asks you why, you might just say that you're confused about your sexuality, and that you're trying to find out more about other peoples experiences. If you're feeling particularly brave, you might confess to a crush.

Good Luck

 

[StevenWill]

boring academic here

Okay, here is some boring professor stuff from a guy who teaches sex. Etoile is correct in that, in the end, all that matters is how she defines herself. On the other hand, you don't have to smack a title on your sexuality if you don't want to or are not ready too. In the old days of Kinsey, we used a scale of 0-6 to describe homosexuality, 0 being totally heterosexual and 6 totally homosexual. Unfortunately, that suggested that as you got some homosexuality, you lost some heterosexuality. We now know better. People can have hi heteroeroticism AND hi homoeroticism and be a very horny bisexual person. They could be very low on both and be essentially asexual. They could be highly heteroerotic and moderately homoerotic and prefer the other gender but surely get turned on and have some great sex with the same gender. When we have two independent scales like that, we find that there aren't very many people in the extreme corners, say zero heteroeoticism and tons of homoeroticism or the other way. Most homophobic people claim zero homoeroticism as a defence, but zero is a tough value to find in nature. For example you see a lot of guys on here who are curious about being with a guy, maybe giving a blowjob to another man. They have some homoeroticism. On the other hand, they don't much want to kiss and cuddle and date and set up housekeeping with a guy. Their romantic, social and intimate connection is still primarily with women. A straight guy who wants to see what's it's like to suck a cock. Lots of those.
Lots of women who are curious about being with an other woman but are sure that their destiny is to have a man as their primary partner. Since we have eroticized woman/woman sex so much, it is pretty easy to have that experience for women who want it. And since women have greater intimacy skills and friendship skills, they can have really rewarding relationships with other women. They are just better at it.

Etoile is also wise in suggesting a frank conversation with this woman and to be honest about how you feel. For decades, our culture has told us that the people we have sex with are the most important people in our lives, so when we have sex with someone they might likely think that there is a multilevel attraction and perhaps the beginning of a relationship. It can be a slap in the face for someone to hear after a night of passion that you were just exploring a sexual curiosity. There is nothing wrong with that, but being up front is always the most considerate tactic to take. I have comforted several lesbian students who are in distress about a relationship with someone who has sex with them, but only on occassion and only when no one will find out and they also tend to ignore them in public situations and show them little affection or attention outside the bedroom. I don't think I should have to be the person to tell these women that the person they think they love either just simply isn't gay or they are struggling with homophobia and shame and confusion. Either way, they are not a candidate for a full blown intimate relationship.

It's fine to be gay; it's fine to be straight: it's fine to be bisexual. It is also fine to be unsure and confused and curious and it is perfectly fine to say aloud that you are very attracted to someone but you aren't sure exactly what that means to you at the present time. Don't promise what you can't deliver but don't apologize for who you are and how you feel. Just be honest and keep the other person's feelings in mind.

Okay, that 3rd cup of coffee was too much. Sorry for my rambling.

Dr. Steve

 

[apexpark]

do you think your attracted to this woman sexually or mentally?
because its very normal for members of the same sex to like each other mentally, and not even think about eachother sexually....maybe you just really really like her personality so its making you confused.

 

[rich987652]

My advice is simple, if you feel it then don't deny those emotions and feelings exist. Worse thing is for someone to live out their life based on a certain sexuality because they always considered themselves 'normal'. That can end in a lot of broken hearts, just ask my wife.

If you like her, I say go for it.

 

[zevwolf]

Make your move, no matter how it turns out, if you don't you will always regret it.

 

[Etoile]

Excellent post Steve, thank you.

 

[Guest]

Thank you all for your wisdom on the subject, and deep felt advice. I do truly appriciate it.

I don't know if I can, though. Just come out with my feelings, I mean. Just... it's not the right time for me, my family, or my friends.

The problem with the whole, "take her out for coffee" thing is that I met her through a friend who was only in town for the weekend, and so the odds of me even seeing her again, the girl I've been talking about all along, is rather remote.

However, I -may- have an oppertunity to drive down with her, (Let's just call her Croy) Croy, to visit the friend who introduced us. That's like... 4 hours of driving time there and back, so that would present a nice time to tell her, should the conversation arise, that I'm not exactly straight, or bi. Just... open to anything.
Because right now, I've concluded that that's what I am. Open to anything.

Again, thanks for all the great advice. I'd be more than happy to hear any other thoughts on the topic... coming "out" stories, ways of life, anything that'll make me better prepared for a possible... "something" with a, er, lesbian. (For some reason I don't like just calling her a lesbian, since she's so much more than just a title.)

Truly,
Sati

 

[DuckLover]

The thing that worried me most was your comment "I'm supposed to be straight." I think you're supposed to be happy, whether that's with men, women, both, or neither. And remember that 'happy' is self-defined.

I will let those members of the Lit community better qualified than I give you advice about exploring your sexual preferences and/or coming out. (SteveWill and Etoile seem to be doing very well.) I'll just say that I wish you the best of luck and happiness.

 

[Guest]

Let me explain about the whole, "I'm supposed to be straight," thing.

You're right when you say that I'm not "supposed" to be anything. It's just that I've grown up thinking of myself as straight. Don't get me wrong-- I'm no homophobe. I've always been that girl who was like, wow, those people are really strong for what they're doing and what they're standing up against... I could never do it, but the more power to them. And now, here I am, wondering if I may be one of them. Would be sort of ironic, I guess.

I just never thought it'd happen to me, ya know?

Sati

 

[DuckLover]

I'm glad to hear you say that; I was slightly concerned, particularly since you said you're in a fairly small town. It seems that small towns often breed a sense of "Thou shalt be entirely heterosexual" and that those who discover they are anything short of that standard develop serious guilt issues. Good for you for being more enlightened.

I never really thought the issue of homosexuality and "coming out" would touch close to me either. Then my sister came out to me as bisexual. Then I became sufficiently comfortable with my sexuality (and my partner) that I allowed myself to admit to a mild curiosity about guys. Not enough that I'd call it bi-curious, just a "Huh. The idea of a naked guy doesn't freak me out."

Sati, you seem to be handling the situation with the kind of strength and maturity that you saw demonstrated. I'm doubt many openly homosexual people woke up one day and said "Wow. I guess I'm gay. I'll go tell everyone now." They went through some private soul-searching, then wondered who and how to tell, and THEN started telling people. You're still in the "what do I think/feel?" stage, but you ARE demonstrating great strength by asking the questions. Good for you. Regardless of what you ultimately determine, you have my respect for the self-reflection you're doing. *HUG*

 

[Etoile]

I knew exactly what Sati meant by "I'm supposed to be straight" - maybe that's what comes of being asexual in high school and then realizing I liked girls! (Well, I knew I was at least bi in high school, but schoolwork was more important to me.)

As for titles, Sati, that's all any of us are. I am a kinky pansexual dyke geek. Croy is a lesbian. It's perfectly okay to call her that. Yes, she is more than just a lesbian (I am also an interpreter, a railfan, a linguist, and an atheist), but that's part of who she is and it's okay to acknowledge that.

 

[Guest]

As for titles, Sati, that's all any of us are. I am a kinky pansexual dyke geek. Croy is a lesbian. It's perfectly okay to call her that. Yes, she is more than just a lesbian (I am also an interpreter, a railfan, a linguist, and an atheist), but that's part of who she is and it's okay to acknowledge that.


Thanks for saying this. It definitely put some of my anxiety about calling her a lesbian to rest. I know it sounds stupid, but the hesitation was definitely there. Probably because I've never used the term 'lesbian' before other than talking about morals and stuff. And, for some strange reason, I thought it might be a little offensive. I've heard that people don't like to be referred to as, "Oh yeah, the lesbian, right?" So I think some of it came from there, too.

Thanks.

Oh, and by the way, what is a pansexual?


Sati

 

[Etoile]

That's just the nature of labels, Sati. Some people will find labeling offensive, others won't. "Lesbian" is one of the nice labels, actually...it's hard to be offended by that when there are so many more insulting terms out there. You can say "gay woman" if you want, but I find lesbian easier.

I would caution you against words like dyke - I use them in a positive way, and I'm proud to be a dyke, but there are plenty of people out there (lesbians included) who find the term insulting. Like "queer" it's being reclaimed, but it's not all the way there.

As for pansexual, have a look at the link in my profile about sexuality. That's how I define it for me, although the dictionary definition is different. I could also have used the word omnisexual to describe myself. In a nutshell, it's like bisexual but acknowledges that there are more than two genders in the world.

 

[Lady_Prowless]

I have been in that same situation...

i have been in that same situation and i have wanted to let that person know too..but she was involved with a man and so was i but i had a major crush on her and would have liked to havd been with her but never had the balls to show her in fear as loosing her as a friend or that she would look at me different..humm still havent resolved that issue but ive delt with it.

 

[none2_none2]

Excellent post Steve, thank you.

I would agree with Etoile.

I would also add that curiosity isn't limited to curiosity on the other side. In the case of gays, you can find people who are just comming out that don't know what they want. I suppose the added complication is that since gay is non-traditional, there are so many options since the roles are not set in stone. As others have mentioned , I do think it is important to distinguish when you think you are wanting a relationship with that individual vs just being curious about sex with that individual. It really hurts when you find out what you thought you had wasn't that deep in the other person's mind.

I still think it is so funny about the bi-guys who crave cock only. Though in fairness there are gay guys who have similar cravings. Does anything like that exists among lesbian/bi-women? I just cannot fathom a lady being pre-occupied with a body part and not interested in the whole person -- physical and mental. I'm not trying to put women on a pedesal, but such a specific obsession just seems so weird. Most of the women I talked to about such matters admitted that they observed physical beauty, but the interest was more in the whole person and not something so shallow as breast size.

 

[none2_none2]

As for titles, Sati, that's all any of us are. I am a kinky pansexual dyke geek. Croy is a lesbian. It's perfectly okay to call her that. Yes, she is more than just a lesbian (I am also an interpreter, a railfan, a linguist, and an atheist), but that's part of who she is and it's okay to acknowledge that.

I like what someone once said (paraphrased): "Labels are for retail products."

I remember reading that Martina N. once said (paraphrased): "I didn't excel at tennis to become the greatest LESBIAN tennis player, but the best tennis player."

However, I assume if the person is ok with the label, it is fine to use.

You mentioned that queer is being reclaimed. However, for old foggies like myself, the term is still very negative. It also reminds me of the term "peculiar" which though not sexual term is one of those "fingernails on a blackboard" kind of words in my mind.

FYI, my understanding was that "queer" came into standard use among younger people from sexual minorities because gay really wasn't the most inclusive term if you wanted to include bi's and trans.

 

[neonflux]

Don't worry about labels

Hi Sati,

I would say, don't worry about labels, and as others have said (thank you Steve and Etoile) find a way to tell her of your feelings and your confusion - labels are unnecessary, the human heart being all. You are showing such bravery in this situation (especially being in a small town).

For me, coming out was less difficult - somehow I found a circle of friends in high school, all involved in competitive speech and drama from schools across the city I grew up in. I cannot say anything that Steve and Etoile haven't already said, would rather congratulate you on the courage to open up to yourself and your own truth and just recommend being patient with the journey.

As a woman who for many years has identified as bi-queer and who has suddenly found herself in deep spiritual connection with a man when she was only looking for sexual partnerships after a break-up (so having my own struggles with identity right now), I can testify that it is the journey itself that matters, there never truly being an end destination...

~ Justine

Again, thanks for all the great advice. I'd be more than happy to hear any other thoughts on the topic... coming "out" stories, ways of life, anything that'll make me better prepared for a possible... "something" with a, er, lesbian. (For some reason I don't like just calling her a lesbian, since she's so much more than just a title.)

Truly,
Sati

 

[sachiaiko]

Hey Sati,

Hey sweetie. It seems to me like you have gotten some incredible and wonderful Advice. And were I you, i'd just sit down with her if/when possible. And maybe if you have to, call your friend and get her number and call her up to ask her out. Maybe it'd take a little finagling, but i'm sure you can find her number and info...

I think sitting down and visiting with her, explaining to her where you are at, and how you find her to be such an incredible person, mind and body, that it made it hard to ignore the feelings you were realizing in yourself, since she was part of the embodiment right in front of you of the strength you admired so much. Maybe, one of the reasons you admired the GBLT community in the past so much was because on an unconcious level, you knew you were a part of them, if only remotely, or slightly. And internally, that brought up feelings for you.

I'm not going to go repeating what everyone else has said. I really agree with thewonderful advice given to you from all the experts, and i'll give you MY experience of coming out, its kinda cute

I'd always thought females were beautiful. Lovely creatures with wonderful intelect and ability for affection. Men, i never really felt they were affectionate when i was young - Males are just raised very differently. It doesnt mean that they can not be, just that they aren't really raised to be. At any rate... I'd always feltattracted to females, but never so intensely i ever even considered my sexuality. My mom was openly bisexual, and had a couple lesbian relationships. I did NOT like her partners. She had bad taste in men AND women.(One was actually an in the closet NUN, i shit you not)

So my experiences, right in front of me, weren't terribly good. Didn't stop me from thinking it was perfectly fine and acceptable, it just was what it was. At that age, i didnt realize i was bisexual, i just knew women were lovely.

When i was about 15 years old, i met two lovely twins. Lu and DJ. Hehe. Tiny, fairy-like twins. bout 5 feet tal, blond hair, big blue eyes, beautiful smiles. Identical, unless you knew them real well. I knew them real well. Light and Day. One was harsh, one was soft, one wore leather, one wore cashmere pastels, one had spiked collars, one had bracelets. VERY different girls. One even Dyed her hair blue and spiked it out real short, while her sis had long blond hair still.

okay, so, i was in love with em. BOTH of em. Absolutely and totally. Mostly the hard (Butch) one, Lu, who was openly bisexual, while DJ was not open about her sexuality (though, i believe she was bi)

We had this running joke, me greeting them both differently, and hitting on them differently. Playful and cute and stereotypical gay with DJ, and "Hey baby, wanna fuck?" with Lu. That's how we greeted each other for quite some time. Finally, one night, Lu just turned around ad stared at me. "Nikki, if you actually admited to the fact you were bisexual - i'd have to take you up on that offer." And i was SO SHOCKED (mostly that she LIKED me back) that i ended up sitting in the middle of the sidewalk at 10 at night in downtown Eugene Oregon, mind boggling.

She watched me, Silently, smiling to herself for quite some time, maybe 15-20 minutes, while i worked it out right there on the ground. I didnt care that i was sitting on the ground, or that she was watching me. i had to figure it out in my own brain before i could reply. And she knew that, so she didnt say anything.

Finally, i looked up at her and said, "I'm bisexual." And she grinnned, said GOOD, finally i said it outloud and now i didn't have to play and joke about it anymore, at least not like i had been. And i realized, i was using my playing and joking as a type of flirtig, which i honestly hadn't realized, and her getting me to say it out loud helped alot.

I hadnt even REALIZED i was in the closet cause i'd never thought of myself as a label. But because of that, i also didnt realize i was missig out on a good chance with a wonderful girl.

From that day forward, i never lied to anyone about my sexuality. I never denied my sexuality. (After i worked it out for MYSELF, and i had alot of help with how i was raised, so dont feel that your desire to stay quiet is bad or negative, you do what makes YOU feel safe. Its about you.) I even told my massively religious step mother and father, "Deal, i'm bi, you can like it or not and i dont really care, but if i bring home a women, you better be nice." lol.

I personally choose not to hide. Not in anything, sexuality or something else. its just who i am. When you get to that comfort and safety level, you'll feel the same.

Just wanted you to see that everyone, even some one open to the idea and who knows they think girls are lovely and never had an aversion to veing gay/bi STILL needed to sit down and think about it before accepting it and saying it. Its all great.

Hope my story helped on some level,

Be well, sweetness.

Nikki

 

[TOgirlie]

I know exactly how you feel. I've always considered myself straight as well, but from time to time have felt something for certain women, particularly older women for whatever reason. I have no idea if I'm bisexual or not having never had any actual experiences with a woman, but I'm not against trying it. I love men and I'm very attracted to them, however I've been really craving the soft touch of a woman lately.

But this one woman who just happens to be a professor at my school really turns me on. It's kind of strange because she's old enough to be my mother, but I just really like her. I don't know if it's a "girl crush" or what, but I wish there was a way for me to find out. I don't know how to approach her either because of the whole student-teacher thing. It would be innappropriate for both her and I. It started out as me admiring her as a person because she's so amazing, but now it's slowly developing into something else (on my end) and I'm not quite sure what to do about it.

We have a sort of unique friendly relationship, different from others, but I can't tell if it's just her being a friendly towards me. Often she'll touch me while we're talking or just whenever I see her, and that alone sends electricity through me. Rubbing my lower back, inner arm... all making me tingle. I feel sort of guilty because I know she's probably just being friendly. There were a couple times I questioned that though. Once I was wearing a skirt and was sitting next to her and she rested her hand on my thigh for a considerable amount of time while reaching over to get a paper and then reading it. Again, probably just me fantasizing, but one can dream! heheh.

 

[Nabokov]

I have been doing a lot of thinking on the subject myself. In the end, it really comes down to what you like. If you have an interest in her, I suggest you explore that and see where it leads. In the end, I believe that our modern culture places too much emphasis on labels.

 

[John Doe]

Bite her on the ass.