I'm looking for feedback & help & advice....

[wtdgirl1]

One Night With Peter or Trevor?
Erotic Couplings by wtdgirl1

I've just written & posted the above story.
Firstly can I have some feedback as it's my first attempt at writing erotic stories. Any advice or help would be most kind.
Secondly, I would like to make the story into maybe a novel type thing. Maybe something that would "link in" to other stories from this. (For instance; after our first night together we would meet up sometime again & we would try something like role play etc) But I am unsure how to do this. Is there any advice or help other readers & writers could give me?
Thank you for reading and any help that you all maybe able to give me.

Nicky.

 

[The Mystery Valiant]

God love ya

I would like to help. However, It seems that my type of poetry and unsubstantial wordings, as well as my infinite ability to be misunderstood no matter how clearly I try to write. Has earned me a distinction as a festering sore here. I am so sorry, but more than likely, any comment I make will only disrupt your wishes and cause hurt feelings. The only thing I might be permitted to say is, "I wish you all the luck!"

 

[wtdgirl1]

I would like to help. However, It seems that my type of poetry and unsubstantial wordings, as well as my infinite ability to be misunderstood no matter how clearly I try to write. Has earned me a distinction as a festering sore here. I am so sorry, but more than likely, any comment I make will only disrupt your wishes and cause hurt feelings. The only thing I might be permitted to say is, "I wish you all the luck!"

Goodness me, you can't be that bad surely?
Even I, who by her own admissions, can be a pain in the ass isn't that bad!!!
Any help is most kind. And if you don't get anything just say! As long as it's constructive, then it'll all be helpful. Thanks anyway hun. Much appreciated.

 

[Darkniciad]

Here's a link to the story, to make it easier for others to find:

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=253114

I hope you don't find this overly critical or harsh. Keep in mind I'm just a fairly new writer myself, hardly any sort of editor or professional critic. These are just my thoughts as I read the story. Everything is meant to be constructive, to help you find your voice so you can relate the stories within you that are begging to be shared.

Also, please ignore any misspellings, I'm helpless without my spell-checker.

===================================

The narrative is a little difficult to follow. In many places, the wording gives the impression of things which have happened several times, instead of a single encounter.

I'd be on one of my London breaks and I'd just of come from a tour round the Houses of Parliament. It would be around lunch time & I'd be on my way to a small café around the corner. I wouldn't really be watching where I was going and would bump into TE going the other way.

That, of course, is only if you are writing the story as if it is recounting events which have happened. If you are writing it as a fantasy in your imagination, then the wording fits better. (I'll call this FantasyVoice )

However, the wording changes to feel more like relating real events a little later.

As I went to say my thanks and goodbyes, he asked me if I'd like to join him for lunch, which I of course accepted.

( I'll call this RealityVoice )

And then the next two lines switch back to Fantasy Voice and immediately back to RealityVoice

We would then spend the next 3 or so hours talking and getting to know each other. I couldn't believe how well we got on, or how down to earth he was!

The first thing I would do is lock in one of the two "voices" and keep it consistant throughout the story. If it were me, I would go for the "reality" voice and tell this like you're relating real events that have happened.

In this case, you'll want to replace passages like the first one quoted above with something like this:

I was on one of my London breaks, just returned from a tour round the Houses of Parliament. It was around lunch time & I was on my way to a small café around the corner. I wasn't really watching where I was going and I bumped into TE going the other way.

I also would name the characters, as opposed to using initials. Change the names if necessary, you can always leave some author's notes at the top of the story to let readers know the names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent or note what famous person the fantasy is about.

You will also want to avoid use of actual numbers, writing them out with words, and avoid the amphersands. Many readers find those things to be stumbling blocks in the story.

If you choose the "fantasy" voice, you might want to start with the person having the fantasy. Describe where they are as they dream about this, the beginnings of arousal, just a hint of touching beginning to occur... things like that. Then launch into the fantasy, and finally end each chapter with a climax for the person having the fantasy as well as the characters. A little character development for the person having the fantasy wouldn't be a bad idea either if you choose to go this route.

Your paragraphs are a little large for online viewing. It is more difficult to keep the eyes focused on large paragraphs on a computer moniter than it is on a printed page. You'll want to try and break up your paragraphs to about half the length they are in most places.

Dialouge is a good way to do this. Switch paragraphs every time a different character speaks. Instead of telling us that he asks you to lunch and you accept, write both the request and the response as dialouge.

I was pleasantly surprised when he asked, "Would you like to join me for lunch?"

"That sounds wonderful!"

I'm guilty of this too, but you'll want to try and find other ways to describe things like slowly gently tenderly and try not to use the same descriptive term multiple times in close proximity. When words like stroke/stroking appear three times in four sentances, you'll want to find some other way to describe the action.

Watch starting sentances with the same word several times in a row as well. to many "I reached", "I touched", "I slowly" sentances in a row begin to feel a bit clumsy.

You'll want to find a different way to set off strong words other than quotation marks. I use astericks myself, but others use bold or italics to point out that a word is a *very* important part of a passage. This helps avoid confusing these words with dialouge.

Likewise, words that are not as strong but need to be set off will need a different notation as well. I started to get one of 'those' feelings instead of using the double quotation. You'll want this to be different from your strong word notation as well.

There are some good visualizations in the sex, but there are what feel like jarring gaps in places like this:

I would continue this for a good 20 minutes at least.

That feels too much like a jump. Adding a little something about how it is driving him crazy, making him shudder and groan, etc. will keep it from feeling like such a gap in the visualization.

I feel like we need a little physical description of the characters as well. There's nothing wrong with putting our own faces on the characters, but a little description from the author of what they were visualizing speeds that process along and can help set the mood of the story as well.

I hope this doesn't feel too harsh. The story has potential, and you obviously can visualize it in your mind's eye and feel it. It just needs a few tweaks to help the readers visualize it and feel it with you.

Dark

 

[wtdgirl1]

Thanks a million Dark!

Thanks a million Dark.
I don't think you are being harsh at all.
Quite the opposit infact! (And don't worry about the spelling either, I can spell either!)
I appreciate all the help I can get.
I (when I find an idea!) will try again with another story.
I will post back here (& thanks for the link, I tried & couldn't make it work!) and hope that you would be so kind as to check it out again & see if it's any better, worse etc? Thanks for your advice & pointers.

 

[wtdgirl1]

Finally!!!

I have finally written two other stories.
One is in the form of a letter.
And the other is hopefully going to be a chapter type thing.
The problem I am having is the ideas etc and how to link the stories together. It is harder than I first thought.
And although it may take a while I am sure I will post some more soon.
Cold Cases, Warm Team (WTD) Ch. 01
I will link to the other story/letter asap.
Please feel free to leave me feedback and comments.
All advice & help will always be welcome!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I think Dark’s critique of your first post was pretty good and your new story shows a lot of development. I liked it.

The paragraphs are still a bit too long. Reading off a rolling screen is more tiring on the eyes than the printed page, so a paragraph is best kept to a max of 5 or 6 lines – plenty of white space.

Lit convention is to give dialogue a line/para to itself.

"So are you going to tell me the sexy fantasy you just had or will I have to make my own up?" Kissing him again she didn't give him much of a choice. He looked her in the eyes with a questioning look which Frankie met with a confident look followed by another kiss.

Would be,

"So, are you going to tell me ... make my own up?"

Kissing him again...

Again, this helps the reader.

The first line might be better not starting with a number.

6am and Boyd is woken not by his surrounds or the fact he wasn't where he wanted to be, it was the all to familiar feeling of his rock hard cock screaming for attention in his trousers!

Could be rephrased as, "Boyd woke at six in the morning, not by ... but the all TOO familiar..."

Or, "Six in the morning and Boyd..."

The balance between the ‘reality’ voice and the ‘fantasy’ voice is good except for a little lapse when Frankie appears. The bit I didn’t follow was how his shirt had come off if he had fallen asleep in the office. Also, for those of us not familiar with Boyd and Frankie, a bit of explanation and description would help the mental picture. Why would Frankie have an examination table? (After checking with UK friends, I know now – he’s TE isn’t he? – but many won’t).

Couple of bits jar;

6am and Boyd is woken not by his surrounds or the fact he wasn't where he wanted to be, it was the all to familiar feeling of his rock hard cock screaming for attention in his trousers!

Trying to wake up would be impossible with this in his trousers; he had to do something about it.

If it’s woken him up, how come he can’t wake up? What about, 'trying to work...' or something.

Exclamation marks are rarely used in stories. The idea is that it's a bit like shouting - if your sentence doesn't grab them, an exclamation mark won't help.

After the fantasy, you dismiss the real thing a bit quickly. Surely, having the fantasy girl appear in the flesh is going to give a much hotter sex scene as he finally really smells, touches, hears and enjoys the reality. The real life sex is surely the climax (no pun intended).

You need to read through more carefully or get someone to edit. Spell check will not pick up things like ‘tell tail’ (should be ‘telltale’) and a few more commas are needed.

Please don’t think I’m trying to pick holes. I think this story is good and is well worth developing. In any case, if you look at my stuff, you’d be able to pick that to pieces too.

I’m not always around, but if you want to mail or PM me, feel free.

 

[Joesephus]

One newbie to another

There were a couple of things that 'jarred' me as I read the story. First you passed over too quickly the desire to "have a good woman." I didn't know who Boyd was or why he was sleeping in his office. (I couldn't figure out what WTD was either, perhaps I need to get a life)

The next thing was the tight pants. This could be a cultural thing, but guys who wear tight pants come across as very sleazy to me. Especially if they're trying to show their "package" to girls.

Then there was the whole masterbating in tight pants. Lordy that would make a hell of a mess, and I'd hate to have to spend the day with a big wet spot on tight pants and smelling like sex.

Technically the only thing I didn't like about your writing was the tendency to be redundent. "I'm looking for Help & feedback & advice"

In the story there were several examples "Boyd was shocked and taken back" Also that's a bit mild for how I'd feel, more Like I'd f"eel so tiny I started looking for a pin hole to hide in."

This might sound like I hated the story, I didn't. However, I think the only way I can learn is to have this type of critique on my writing.

 

[wtdgirl1]

Thank you both for your comments and advice. Much appreciated.
Joesephus: Boyd and Frankie are characters in a british TV show called Waking The Dead. (aka WTD) Hope that clears a few things up.
elfin_odalisque: I totally agree with the valid points you have made and brought up, especially the one about waking up turing into working. Looking at it now through another pair of eyes I agree it would sound better.
I am glad that you both liked the basis of the story, I am hoping that I will be able to learn and keep learning as I go on. And yes you are correct the man that plays Boyd is Trevor Eve. (I think I probably have a crush on him but hey we all have crushes right?) I would also like to take you up on your kind offer of e-mailing/PM you with any help and advice that you can offer me.
Thanks once again guys, much appreciated.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

From a bit of research, I understand that TE is a lean, mean , everywoman's fantasy. Worse, he's got three women running from a young detective through Frankie the the forensic scientist to a mature, sexy psychologist - and he's divorced (as Boyd).

Girl,you've got the characters for a super Lit celeb saga. All I think you need to do is decide if he fancies all 3 of them or has just got the hots for Frankie. Then you're away. Bits of detective story - sex in the morgue - surreptitious fondling at a crime scene, etc.

For your US audience, you're going to have to explain - simply, we aren't too global in our thinking - the fact we are in a UK/Scotland Yard scenario and develop Boyd a bit more slowly. That's no criticism, just helping to expand your readership.

Sent you a PM with my e-mail address. Feel free to ask anything.

Good luck.