I'm laughing my ass off

[Jenny_Jackson]

Julia posted this morning. It's pretty much hated.

Go ahead. This is your chance to piss all over me.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=321536

 

[Guest]

Oh, I like it.

It's a sweet story, formulaic but still solid.

One comment about the style?

It doesn't flow as well as it should because there are many short and stilted sentences.

I suppose it started when I met Julia. That was the day my life began and ended. I didn't really think much of her then. It was a short introduction at a party. We shook hands and passed a few words. Then she was off to mingle. I didn't see her again for several weeks. When I did, it was at an art show.

That's easy to fix.


But Jenny, a sweet and tragic love story from you?

You are a romantic fool after all.

 

[tickledkitty]

Hey, Jenny.

I thought it was really good.

I don't know why people would hate it. Maybe because it's kind of disconcerting? Maybe people want a happy ending. I have only read one of your other stories, I think, and it was quite differnet from this. Is this a departure for you? Maybe people expect something else when they see your name. You can't please everyone.

The only problem I had with it was you said Julia called on the phone to say she was leaving. Then after the dialogue there, you say

Julia smiled and touched my hand. I can still remember her sitting there. Her long dark brown hair flowing over her shoulders. And that smile. That smile that seemed to touch my heart in a way I can never explain. I had to force myself to hold back. All I wanted to do was take her in my arms and hold her, kiss her, tell her how much I loved her. But there were no words, only emotions of pending loss flooding through me.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Oh, I like it.

It's a sweet story, formulaic but still solid.

One comment about the style?

It doesn't flow as well as it should because there are many short and stilted sentences.

I suppose it started when I met Julia. That was the day my life began and ended. I didn't really think much of her then. It was a short introduction at a party. We shook hands and passed a few words. Then she was off to mingle. I didn't see her again for several weeks. When I did, it was at an art show.

That's easy to fix.


But Jenny, a sweet and tragic love story from you?

You are a romantic fool after all.

Shhhhhhhhhh... Don't tell anyone, Sarrah.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Hey, Jenny.

I thought it was really good.

I don't know why people would hate it. Maybe because it's kind of disconcerting? Maybe people want a happy ending. I have only read one of your other stories, I think, and it was quite differnet from this. Is this a departure for you? Maybe people expect something else when they see your name. You can't please everyone.

The only problem I had with it was you said Julia called on the phone to say she was leaving. Then after the dialogue there, you say

TK, this is more of the kind of story I write in my longer works that are not posted on Lit. Although this one has much more mushy romance than, I've done before.

And you are correct. I believe the readers are looking for stories that end "happily ever after." In a way this one does, but not the way the readers expect.

JJ

 

[slyc_willie]

Here's the comment I left . . .

Couldn't expect anything less . . .
07/31/07 by slyc_willie
Only you would write something so dark and yet romantic. In a twisted way, this was a very believable story. Kudos, Jenny.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I don't know what to say.

I really, really liked it. You packed a lot in to a very short piece. Your characters were believable, your plot was beliveable.

Well done, Jenny.

ETA: I had no problem with the short stilted sentences, I think they fit the story perfectly. I thought the whole thing flowed very well.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Thanks Willy and Drk. I just read you comments.

The story is not entirely fiction (well, the ending is). This is the kind of story where a little bit of the "you" that is the person, not the writer, sneaks in.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Recieved in my email...

About the submission: Julia
This feedback was sent by: Anonymous

Comments:

Remember up thru the moluth not hte side of the head if you really want
a sucessful end.

Well, thank you for your...um... kind comment, Anon. I can see you are an accomplished writer with advanced skills in grammar and spelling. I cannot tell you how much your "1" bomb was appreciated. It's alway nice to hear and received good advice for great individuals like you.

 

[MarshAlien]

heh, heh, heh

I thought it was a very well-written piece, Jenny. Full of love and hope, and then love and despair. All I have are quibbles. But since you asked...

In the first chapter, you suggest that the story we're going to hear is a replay of the past year. At the end you say it's been a year since she died. So the replay is really of a time before the last year, yes? It did make me wonder why he had waited so long. (Damn it, I said they were quibbles.)

He bends to whisper a rude comment in the second paragraph, and looks down at the woman in the third. It made me wonder how short she really was, which was probably not your intent.

You talk about his X-girlfriend (one of the X-men?) and about his not liking women, but also suggested that he has at least one kid. Possible, certainly, but I wasn't sure why you needed the reference to the kids.

He tells Julia that he loves her, and then says he knows it was true. Then you write, though, that it's a day later that he knows he truly loves her.

The phone thing that Tickledkitty identified hung me up, but I'm not sure that I wouldn't have just passed over it if tk hadn't pointed it out.

I did wonder why the state police called him to give him the bad news. They'd only really spent one night together, and the police only usually notify next of kin.

There were a few typos. You stated that the warden had his hand on the switch on the Governor, and the sun raises rather than rises in the last paragraph.

On the whole, though, it was an emotionally powerful piece, and I thought that the sentences in it were actually quite lovely. As a writer of mush, I thought it was damn good mush.

Mush. I mean Marsh.

 

[AsylumSeeker]

Just my thoughts...

Julia posted this morning. It's pretty much hated.

Go ahead. This is your chance to piss all over me.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=321536

Jenny, a nicely conceived and well-written story. The only comment I have is minor, and I may even be putting forth a personal preference versus a "technically correct" comment (maybe an English expert can comment for all our benefits?).

Quoting you: "This was the end of a long night of sitting here thinking - remembering."

I associate the use of a hyphen with linking words, such as "body-suit", and I just thought you had intended a pause, typically indicated by three periods "...".

If you feel warm piss, I'm sorry. It's merely your imagination.

 

[mjl2010]

Julia posted this morning. It's pretty much hated.

Go ahead. This is your chance to piss all over me.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=321536

Read it and commented. I liked it. A lot more real than a lot of stories you read here. Someone should give you a big hug.

You know it must be good when the trolls one-bomb you.

MJL

 

[christabelll]

Julia posted this morning. It's pretty much hated.

Go ahead. This is your chance to piss all over me.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=321536

Piss - nope not into it...

I really liked it... short but all bases covered...
Sad and bittersweet....
Thank you for sharing such a departure from your usual ironic sarcastic writing style I have seen here.

 

[starrkers]

Sorry to disappoint you Jenny, but I didn't hate it.

 

[DeeZire]

I like short sentences. I think they imply urgency. Considering the circumstances of the story, using short sentences was genius!

 

[jack_straw]

not that bad

Jenny,

Unless you deleted the really bad comments, I don't see where it was such a hated story. I liked it, although like some others I did catch a few anomalies. The two that stuck out were: where did the Japanese woman go that he took to the art exhibit and how did Julia end up at his table when she'd called him on the phone to tell him she was going to the mountain to be with her aunt. That was a little jarring.

Nevertheless, it was a very powerful piece of writing, deep and soulful, short and bittersweet. Not something I'd be comfortable writing, but that doesn't mean you should be chastised for it.

You do good work, so ignore the trolls.

jack_straw

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Jenny,

Unless you deleted the really bad comments, I don't see where it was such a hated story. I liked it, although like some others I did catch a few anomalies. The two that stuck out were: where did the Japanese woman go that he took to the art exhibit and how did Julia end up at his table when she'd called him on the phone to tell him she was going to the mountain to be with her aunt. That was a little jarring.

Nevertheless, it was a very powerful piece of writing, deep and soulful, short and bittersweet. Not something I'd be comfortable writing, but that doesn't mean you should be chastised for it.

You do good work, so ignore the trolls.

jack_straw

Jack,
The comments are coming in my email and look at the vote score. This story is scratching to make a 4.0. That's pretty funny.

Oh, and who said the "I" in that story was a "HE"?

 

[Varian P]

...and look at the vote score. This story is scratching to make a 4.0. That's pretty funny.

That'll teach you to post a story with no explicit sex and a dark twist.

I think it's a good story, but I do love my pathos.

Oh, and who said the "I" in that story was a "HE"?

This raises an interesting point about this story. In a lot of ways, you hold your cards so close (or the narrator does). We get the gist of an immediate and intense connection, because the narrator and Julia repeatedly fall into endless conversation, but we never hear what they talk about. So, by the end of the story, practically the only thing we really know about these two people is that they are falling in love with each other.

The gender of the narrator may be irrelevant, but I feel like we get signals, but mixed signals. For example, to me, this suggests the narrator is likely a woman:

From that moment on we talked. We talked about everything. We talked about our kids. We talked about our friends. We talked about everything. It was almost like we couldn't talk enough. After the art show, we went to Starbuck's and sat and drank Latte' and talked until they closed.

The next night we met at a little Italian place, Luigi's, for dinner. We drank red wine and talked and talked. We never got around to eating.

Every night for weeks we met and talked.

All those rendezvous, all that talking, and no hint of anything physical transpiring? But this suggests that the narrator is a man:

I suppose you could call me a rough old bastard, because I really don't care much for women. My X-girlfriend cured me of women. After her, I swore, "Never again!" That woman was a cast-iron bitch. But, Julia was different. She touched me somehow.

Not only is "bastard" a term not usually applied to women, but that whole passage makes me feel like women seem alien to the narrator. But then, Julia's reaction to the narrator's declaration is easily explained if, for example, the narrator is a woman, and Julia identifies as straight.

I'm curious whether you want us to be guessing/wondering at the gender of the narrator, or if you want to keep it a secret for some reason.

More generally, though, my main criticism of the piece is that much of the poignancy of the loss and desperation is squandered because I never quite get to feel the connection between Julia and the narrator, because their interactions are related at such distance, and so cursorily.

Even if you want to put the story across in sort of hazy brush-strokes, so that we get more of an impression of their love, rather than a blow-by-blow detailed account, I think if we experience a moment or two of their conversation, experience a parting embrace or two, see Julia smile and move through the narrator's eyes, we'll feel the love, and the ending will be as painful as it should be.

Nonetheless, I liked the story. Thanks for taking a chance on something different.

-Varian

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

That'll teach you to post a story with no explicit sex and a dark twist.

I think it's a good story, but I do love my pathos.



This raises an interesting point about this story. In a lot of ways, you hold your cards so close (or the narrator does). We get the gist of an immediate and intense connection, because the narrator and Julia repeatedly fall into endless conversation, but we never hear what they talk about. So, by the end of the story, practically the only thing we really know about these two people is that they are falling in love with each other.

The gender of the narrator may be irrelevant, but I feel like we get signals, but mixed signals. For example, to me, this suggests the narrator is likely a woman:

From that moment on we talked. We talked about everything. We talked about our kids. We talked about our friends. We talked about everything. It was almost like we couldn't talk enough. After the art show, we went to Starbuck's and sat and drank Latte' and talked until they closed.

The next night we met at a little Italian place, Luigi's, for dinner. We drank red wine and talked and talked. We never got around to eating.

Every night for weeks we met and talked.

All those rendezvous, all that talking, and no hint of anything physical transpiring? But this suggests that the narrator is a man:

I suppose you could call me a rough old bastard, because I really don't care much for women. My X-girlfriend cured me of women. After her, I swore, "Never again!" That woman was a cast-iron bitch. But, Julia was different. She touched me somehow.

Not only is "bastard" a term not usually applied to women, but that whole passage makes me feel like women seem alien to the narrator. But then, Julia's reaction to the narrator's declaration is easily explained if, for example, the narrator is a woman, and Julia identifies as straight.

I'm curious whether you want us to be guessing/wondering at the gender of the narrator, or if you want to keep it a secret for some reason.

More generally, though, my main criticism of the piece is that much of the poignancy of the loss and desperation is squandered because I never quite get to feel the connection between Julia and the narrator, because their interactions are related at such distance, and so cursorily.

Even if you want to put the story across in sort of hazy brush-strokes, so that we get more of an impression of their love, rather than a blow-by-blow detailed account, I think if we experience a moment or two of their conversation, experience a parting embrace or two, see Julia smile and move through the narrator's eyes, we'll feel the love, and the ending will be as painful as it should be.

Nonetheless, I liked the story. Thanks for taking a chance on something different.

-Varian

Actually, Vivian, I don't know if the narrator is male or female. When I was writing, I assumed it was a male. Later, when I looked at it, other than the single hint (bastard) it could well have been female. I'm not sure it really makes a difference.

I will give away a bit on this story. The beginning where the narrator meets Julia for the first time, then later the scene at the Art Gallery are real. That is exactly how I met my girlfriend, Linny. Even my Japanese friend, Miko, is real and was there. That part of the story is far more autobiographical than I have ever done or ever intend to do again.

As far as the conversations are concerned, I really didn't care. When I wrote this piece, I had a single image in my mind. Sitting on my boat dock behind my houseboat (Yes, that was real too, although I've since sold it) watching the sun come up over Mount Hood. That image was the beginning and the end. The rest of the piece is just memories. Would he/she remember what they talked about? Would it even matter?

I see your point, though. Thanks for the comment.

 

[ninefe2dg]

Interesting...

...I couldn't tell if the narrator was male or female, and then I decided I didn't care.

I didn't feel as though as I was as connected to the characters as I would have liked, but I suppose if the point is to "get to the point", then I understand. If your aim was to have a "short" short story, then clearly you've gotten the most out of it.

Is the amount of exposition intended (esp. in the first couple paragraphs)? It certainly worked for me (going back to my "I'm still trying to sort showing v telling". So did the short sentences. I didn't even notice them until someone pointed them out. I went back and re-read the story, for me they seemed to keep the story moving along.

No gun to my head after reading it, sorry!

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

...I couldn't tell if the narrator was male or female, and then I decided I didn't care.

I didn't feel as though as I was as connected to the characters as I would have liked, but I suppose if the point is to "get to the point", then I understand. If your aim was to have a "short" short story, then clearly you've gotten the most out of it.

Is the amount of exposition intended (esp. in the first couple paragraphs)? It certainly worked for me (going back to my "I'm still trying to sort showing v telling". So did the short sentences. I didn't even notice them until someone pointed them out. I went back and re-read the story, for me they seemed to keep the story moving along.

No gun to my head after reading it, sorry!

If you follow my comments in this Forum, Nine, you will see that I absolutely hate expostulation and discriptions. I don't think they are necessary for a decent story other than to set a scene. I also believe they interfer with the readers mind. I would much rather render a scene and let the reader fill it in from his own experiences and preference. I believe that makes it much more vivid to each reader. Do I care if you see a big-titted blonde in your mind while I see a small breasted brunette? I makes no difference as long as the images in your mind work for you and carry the story along.

You will find that most of my stories are quite short, say 3000 to 3500 words. I usually write the story however it flows out of my head to my fingers. The original story will be some 8 to 10,000 words. Then I begin cutting everything that doesn't matter or move the story along. As often as not, i chop out entire scenes. What I aim for is a short, compact story that still does everything a story is supposed to do - hold the interest of the reader, instill some empathy for the characters and a solid, moving plot.

Your first comment is maybe the biggest failing of this story. You weren't connected to the characters because in some ways I didn't want you to be too close to them. My intent was to have the reader standing away from the action, sort of a fly on the wall, listening to my/his/her thoughts and memories. I'm not really happy with the way it turned out. But it's still a decent attempt.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

The original story will be some 8 to 10,000 words. Then I begin cutting everything that doesn't matter or move the story along.

Well, my original story is about the same length as yours, but often as not after all the trimming and cutting, I end up at about 20,000...

Seriously, I really liked the story, and have gone back and read it several more times. I think you should be happy with your little effort. It certainly raised my opinion of you as a writer. (for what that's worth)

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Well, my original story is about the same length as yours, but often as not after all the trimming and cutting, I end up at about 20,000...

Seriously, I really liked the story, and have gone back and read it several more times. I think you should be happy with your little effort. It certainly raised my opinion of you as a writer. (for what that's worth)

You're sweet, Drk

 

[mikey2much]

You should be laughing

I can’t understand why you have not got a little red ‘H’ by this story. I thought that it was very well done and enjoyed the read.

I gave it 105, A one hundred on the temperature and a five for my vote. I did find a few errors but nothing that took away from the fact that it was well written, and the errors that I found have already been pointed out.

Nice work; don’t let the assholes bring you down.
Mikey

 

[MarshAlien]

Later, when I looked at it, other than the single hint (bastard) it could well have been female. I'm not sure it really makes a difference.

I will give away a bit on this story. The beginning where the narrator meets Julia for the first time, then later the scene at the Art Gallery are real. That is exactly how I met my girlfriend, Linny. Even my Japanese friend, Miko, is real and was there. That part of the story is far more autobiographical than I have ever done or ever intend to do again.

It's odd; when I first started reading the story, I actually assumed that it was autobiographical (maybe some reference to Japanese in one of your other stories - who knows?). The line that convinced me otherwise was the bastard line, but not because of the reference to the narrator's being a bastard. Rather, the clause that immediately followed stated, "because I really don't care much for women." I could see another woman saying that in a sexual context, but at this point the story really didn't have a sexual context. It seems to me that in a strictly friendship context, a woman would say something like, "I really don't care much for the company of other women." So I concluded there, rightly or wrongly, that the narrator was a man. As you say, it really doesn't matter; it's a well-written story either way.