I'm Dating Our Mailgirl
- Thread starter CorbinC
- Start date
ElectricBlue
Joined 11 Years Ago
- Joined
- May 10, 2014
- Posts
- 17,933
You need to provide a link to the story. I assume it's this one:
https://www.literotica.com/s/im-dating-our-mailgirl-ch-01
https://www.literotica.com/s/im-dating-our-mailgirl-ch-01
LesDesirable
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 4, 2019
- Posts
- 406
Chapter 1:
Writing: Overall very good. At times your pacing is a little too slow, but not so much as to put anyone off. I am always pleased when a story is told primarily in dialogue. Your opening paragraphs could use some polish to be less of exposition and more of a hook for the reader.
Premise/Plot - OK, if a bit overboard on the exploitation of the women. I doubt the abusive bits are necessary for your series to work. Just being a naked mailgirl with strict contact rules was enough, essentially submitting to multiple rapes for $60k/year is a bit beyond my ability to suspend disbelief.
Characters: Good enough.
Sex: Good, fit the line of the story quite well.
Nitpicking: The measurements, 32b, 34c, The introductions by Salary and Degree.
Writing: Overall very good. At times your pacing is a little too slow, but not so much as to put anyone off. I am always pleased when a story is told primarily in dialogue. Your opening paragraphs could use some polish to be less of exposition and more of a hook for the reader.
Premise/Plot - OK, if a bit overboard on the exploitation of the women. I doubt the abusive bits are necessary for your series to work. Just being a naked mailgirl with strict contact rules was enough, essentially submitting to multiple rapes for $60k/year is a bit beyond my ability to suspend disbelief.
Characters: Good enough.
Sex: Good, fit the line of the story quite well.
Nitpicking: The measurements, 32b, 34c, The introductions by Salary and Degree.
LesDesirable
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 4, 2019
- Posts
- 406
Chapter 2:
Again well written, and well thought out, if a bit of a repeat of Chapter 1.
A few typos made it past your editing, not bad, but they are there.
Not as much unnecessary prose and exposition in this installment, I still wish you had made their end-of-job prize a major sum, more in fitting with today's economy.
I already know I am going to read the remaining chapters, so you get a well done for just that.
Again well written, and well thought out, if a bit of a repeat of Chapter 1.
A few typos made it past your editing, not bad, but they are there.
Not as much unnecessary prose and exposition in this installment, I still wish you had made their end-of-job prize a major sum, more in fitting with today's economy.
I already know I am going to read the remaining chapters, so you get a well done for just that.
LesDesrable, thanks for the positive feedback. The reason I started this thread was because of the readers' revolt over Chap 4. In fact, I had to do a major rewrite in Chapter 5 to get the story back on track. Do me a favor and don't give up on the story after Chap 4 but come back for the next Chapter. I'm going to assume, perhaps incorrectly, that like many other readers you regarded Chap. 4 a major misstep.
LesDesirable
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 4, 2019
- Posts
- 406
Chapter 3:
a few more typos (sequence for sequins, crusaded for crusader) and this time we can add some tense mistakes, "as we came in" when writing in past tense.
another is: Would you and your friend let us join us.
I laughed at the Cracker Barrel. You are so correct, the clientele would never suspect lesbians, most of them cannot see beyond 6 feet.
I had the feeling that you were writing faster than before, the pace quick in the beginning, but it also had more mistakes.
Still a decent story. Now for the dreaded chapter 4.
a few more typos (sequence for sequins, crusaded for crusader) and this time we can add some tense mistakes, "as we came in" when writing in past tense.
another is: Would you and your friend let us join us.
I laughed at the Cracker Barrel. You are so correct, the clientele would never suspect lesbians, most of them cannot see beyond 6 feet.
I had the feeling that you were writing faster than before, the pace quick in the beginning, but it also had more mistakes.
Still a decent story. Now for the dreaded chapter 4.
LesDesirable
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 4, 2019
- Posts
- 406
Chapter 4:
While the reader complaints are silly to me - I do not particularly care if the girls are shorn, hirsute, or made up as long as they remain in character - I can understand the men who read the series being upset that their fantasy of public lesbians might require them to look like supermodels.
The bit about the dog collars might have been better had it come with some warning, rather than as the "shocker" for the ending. Just one more form of abuse - which is again why I said it should be a much larger prize after the two years.
This installment was fine, just as the first three, ignore the complaints and push your stories forward as you see them unfolding. You can never please all of the readers and you should not try to please them all.
While the reader complaints are silly to me - I do not particularly care if the girls are shorn, hirsute, or made up as long as they remain in character - I can understand the men who read the series being upset that their fantasy of public lesbians might require them to look like supermodels.
The bit about the dog collars might have been better had it come with some warning, rather than as the "shocker" for the ending. Just one more form of abuse - which is again why I said it should be a much larger prize after the two years.
This installment was fine, just as the first three, ignore the complaints and push your stories forward as you see them unfolding. You can never please all of the readers and you should not try to please them all.
stivemorgan
Virgin
- Joined
- Sep 11, 2019
- Posts
- 2
Hi there. I am new to this forum. Interesting thread. So how far have gone your relationship?
stivemorgan, I see you are new to Literotica having just joined 9/11/19. Have you started reading the story? There is a link in an earlier post. I suggest start reading and if you like the story, keep on reading; if not, move on to another story. Assuming you have started reading and to reply to your message "how far have gone", the story begins approximately in July and Monica and 9 start dating about Sept. They are now in mid-Dec. Yes, they are still dating. They've had some rough spots but always manage to get through them. Monica has developed another relationship with another Seahawk employee which strains her relationship with 9. I don't want to give too much away by saying who it is, what the gender is, the position in the organization . . . .or the age ("wink, wink") Hope you enjoy the story.
polish_bear_65
Virgin
- Joined
- Jul 30, 2019
- Posts
- 2
It's quite good. My congrats.
9's Vaginal Jewelry for the Christmas Supper -- a poll
9 will be wearing Vaginal Jewelry to the Seahawk Industries Christmas Supper. Now is you chance to help choose her accessories. Vote A, B, C or D.
A https://www.dubiobikinis.com/prodimages/E-PS52_Gold_Serpent_Labia_Clips_01.jpg
B https://nopeporns.com/thumbs/c59jrN...G0DpVm2HNTH1DJpmgeshbOeMa89IaWdzVIP9v_POA.jpg
C https://78.media.tumblr.com/1c5bd0029d781680369dcaaa06ddd0c4/tumblr_nhbgoq6Bu31sxrbnco1_1280.jpg
D https://img-hw.xvideos.com/videos/profiles/galleries/d8/06/48/chinni69/gal2206527/pic_36_big.jpg
9 will be wearing Vaginal Jewelry to the Seahawk Industries Christmas Supper. Now is you chance to help choose her accessories. Vote A, B, C or D.
A https://www.dubiobikinis.com/prodimages/E-PS52_Gold_Serpent_Labia_Clips_01.jpg
B https://nopeporns.com/thumbs/c59jrN...G0DpVm2HNTH1DJpmgeshbOeMa89IaWdzVIP9v_POA.jpg
C https://78.media.tumblr.com/1c5bd0029d781680369dcaaa06ddd0c4/tumblr_nhbgoq6Bu31sxrbnco1_1280.jpg
D https://img-hw.xvideos.com/videos/profiles/galleries/d8/06/48/chinni69/gal2206527/pic_36_big.jpg
ElectricBlue
Joined 11 Years Ago
- Joined
- May 10, 2014
- Posts
- 17,933
D is very elegant...
Lovely, I commented and gave it 5.
There are a few proof-reading errors, but they don't spoil it. I guess for me the big question is whether Monica will become a Mailgirl, she seems all but assimilated.
LupusDei
curious alien
- Joined
- Jul 3, 2017
- Posts
- 4,246
If it's not too late, I would add a vote for D too. The only complaint might be that it's too much of a metal garment.
LupusDei
curious alien
- Joined
- Jul 3, 2017
- Posts
- 4,246
Just read through the whole thing within last 24 hours or so, and enjoyed it a lot. And commented a lot, semi-randomly.
I'm non-English so can't really comment on writing, but it was feeling smooth mostly. Noticed several her/here and similar proofreading slips, but at least nothing as annoying as their/they're more than once, I think (and it was in dialogue, so maybe even could be claimed as intended). A few times had to slow down to parse passages where untagged dialogue was lumped together with someone's else actions or narrative thoughts, but nothing truly confusing either.
I think they announced 9's work nudity to momma twice, which slightly different first time reactions each time, but probably it was just clumsiness of the whole situation as it was intended and if that's the only continuity error I can nitpick on, you're going good. Then momma is perhaps among the least grounded characters as she is, or that's just me wondering.
The only other glaring thing is Monica's exclusivity as volunteering almost-mailgirl. It's fun as fuck, as intended, but screams for consequences, and not only administrative, but we may just not know yet. Well, all we can do is to wait, I don't want to contaminate with even more sideline ideas.
I do enjoy how the story is building up, the relationship dynamics. Beware of hanging yourself in the tangle, but of course, the more the merrier ;-)
I wouldn't have seen the alternative (intended) chapter 5 as an misstep, probably, and wonder what we lost for retaining some longer hair, but I think you handled the situation great, as it was. Even being predictable isn't always bad.
Drifting to the outer limits in the twilight zone of imagination, one may hope to see Monica washing Joyce in the fishbowl one morning, along with all the girls... but I'm just babbling now.
I'm non-English so can't really comment on writing, but it was feeling smooth mostly. Noticed several her/here and similar proofreading slips, but at least nothing as annoying as their/they're more than once, I think (and it was in dialogue, so maybe even could be claimed as intended). A few times had to slow down to parse passages where untagged dialogue was lumped together with someone's else actions or narrative thoughts, but nothing truly confusing either.
I think they announced 9's work nudity to momma twice, which slightly different first time reactions each time, but probably it was just clumsiness of the whole situation as it was intended and if that's the only continuity error I can nitpick on, you're going good. Then momma is perhaps among the least grounded characters as she is, or that's just me wondering.
The only other glaring thing is Monica's exclusivity as volunteering almost-mailgirl. It's fun as fuck, as intended, but screams for consequences, and not only administrative, but we may just not know yet. Well, all we can do is to wait, I don't want to contaminate with even more sideline ideas.
I do enjoy how the story is building up, the relationship dynamics. Beware of hanging yourself in the tangle, but of course, the more the merrier ;-)
I wouldn't have seen the alternative (intended) chapter 5 as an misstep, probably, and wonder what we lost for retaining some longer hair, but I think you handled the situation great, as it was. Even being predictable isn't always bad.
Drifting to the outer limits in the twilight zone of imagination, one may hope to see Monica washing Joyce in the fishbowl one morning, along with all the girls... but I'm just babbling now.
Your feedback
Thank you for your feedback. I'm wondering if there is something wrong with the notification system since I see you posted this 10-09-2019 and I'm only now seeing it. I always enjoy feedback and yours was very positive. I think I may have seen some of your comments and was wondering how the story reads to someone who is not a native-English speaker. May I ask what your native language is?
I haven't really had writer block, but I've been having a real problem writing the next chapter. I have it half finished and I MUST finish it up and publish it.
The story is going to take a rather strange twist that will really create some identity issues between Monica, 9 and Joyce. I think that may have been one of the stumbling blocks that made it difficult for me to write the next chapter.
Thanks again for your feedback. I hope you will continue to enjoy the story.
Thank you for your feedback. I'm wondering if there is something wrong with the notification system since I see you posted this 10-09-2019 and I'm only now seeing it. I always enjoy feedback and yours was very positive. I think I may have seen some of your comments and was wondering how the story reads to someone who is not a native-English speaker. May I ask what your native language is?
I haven't really had writer block, but I've been having a real problem writing the next chapter. I have it half finished and I MUST finish it up and publish it.
The story is going to take a rather strange twist that will really create some identity issues between Monica, 9 and Joyce. I think that may have been one of the stumbling blocks that made it difficult for me to write the next chapter.
Thanks again for your feedback. I hope you will continue to enjoy the story.
KeithD
Virgin
- Joined
- Jan 14, 2012
- Posts
- 29,626
As far as I know there is no notification system for discussion board posts.
SimonDoom
Kink Lord
- Joined
- Apr 9, 2015
- Posts
- 19,046
I've got your story on my "To Read" list and hope to read and comment soon. I just started my own Mailgirl series in December. I expect to publish chapter 2 this month and finish it (6 chapters planned) by April. It's interesting to compare and contrast how different authors have handled this oddball theme.
Your 1st Mailgirl Story
I liked it! I enjoy your not sticking strictly to the mailgirl stereotype. Thanks for the acknowledgment in your introduction. And, oh, is it just my vanity that likes to think that you selected the name Monica Stevenson in tribute to Monica Ross. I have many more plans for my Monica.
I liked it! I enjoy your not sticking strictly to the mailgirl stereotype. Thanks for the acknowledgment in your introduction. And, oh, is it just my vanity that likes to think that you selected the name Monica Stevenson in tribute to Monica Ross. I have many more plans for my Monica.
SimonDoom
Kink Lord
- Joined
- Apr 9, 2015
- Posts
- 19,046
Thanks!
I'm not sure where I got "Monica" but it was not from that story. I think I picked it because I haven't used it in a story yet. I'm curious whether you picked "Monica Ross" from the TV show Friends, it being the names of the brother/sister characters Ross and Monica.
I'm taking longer to get to chapter 2 than I would like. I'm making a point of reading through the other Mailgirl stories, including yours, because I'm curious how others handle the theme AND I want to make sure I don't just copy but offer something new. Good luck as you continue.
Similar threads
