I'll give you the Title - you give me the Poem
- Thread starter WickedEve
- Start date
WickedEve
save an apple, eat eve
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- Oct 20, 2001
- Posts
- 11,470
Window On The Third Floor
The thud is louder
when it comes from 3 stories up.
I saw the free fall from sill to sidewalk.
The plummet was so quick
I didn't have time to shove Grandma out of the way.
She was treated for scratches.
I think she'll sue for the shredded
"Grandmas Do It With Fresh Baked Cookies" tee.
Still, it was fortunate Grandma was there.
She padded the Siamese's landing.
The thud is louder
when it comes from 3 stories up.
I saw the free fall from sill to sidewalk.
The plummet was so quick
I didn't have time to shove Grandma out of the way.
She was treated for scratches.
I think she'll sue for the shredded
"Grandmas Do It With Fresh Baked Cookies" tee.
Still, it was fortunate Grandma was there.
She padded the Siamese's landing.
Star At Sunrise
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2002
- Posts
- 183
excellent!
At first I was nervous. reading about people falling from windows this close to our 9-11 rememberances, but the poem really took a turn and had a surprise ending! The tee shirt line is great!
Q - How am I and Grandma's cookies alike?
A - We're both freshly baked!
Great job, Eve!
At first I was nervous. reading about people falling from windows this close to our 9-11 rememberances, but the poem really took a turn and had a surprise ending! The tee shirt line is great!
Q - How am I and Grandma's cookies alike?
A - We're both freshly baked!
Great job, Eve!
perks
sarcasduck ruffleslut
- Joined
- May 20, 2001
- Posts
- 40,901
window on the third floor
work fluttered to the floor
with his pinstripes
her lace
their decorum
hunger smeared against the glass
with her nipples
his hands
their communion
lust bloomed between my fingers
with her arch
his thrust
my vision
work fluttered to the floor
with his pinstripes
her lace
their decorum
hunger smeared against the glass
with her nipples
his hands
their communion
lust bloomed between my fingers
with her arch
his thrust
my vision
WickedEve
save an apple, eat eve
- Joined
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- Posts
- 11,470
Re: excellent!
Q - How am I and Grandma's cookies alike?
A - We're both half-baked!
Star, I didn't make any 911/3rd floor window connections when I thought of this. As you can see, Grandmas and cats were on my twisted mind. lolStar At Sunrise said:
Q - How am I and Grandma's cookies alike?
A - We're both half-baked!
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
Window On The Third Floor
Window On The Third Floor
Looking out on rain
Watching whales wend their way
wearily
wondering why
how much they weigh
  when will we know
as they go buy
Cheese Doodles and Milky Ways
secretaries all
    widely     spread
    fat on bread
Regards, Rybka
Window On The Third Floor
Looking out on rain
Watching whales wend their way
wearily
wondering why
how much they weigh
  when will we know
as they go buy
Cheese Doodles and Milky Ways
secretaries all
    widely     spread
    fat on bread
Regards, Rybka
Senna Jawa
Literotica Guru
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- May 13, 2002
- Posts
- 3,272
Re: Fall from the third floor(Window on the third floor)
Regards,
Hey, except for "through the pain", a great poem._Land said:
Regards,
Senna Jawa
Literotica Guru
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- 3,272
Re: I'll give you the Title...
Window On The Third Floor
i look down
the words from behind
push me push
i turn and leave through the door
i look up
from the sidewalk
and still higher
a bird silhouette
glides under bright clouds
Senna Jawa
2002-09-15
Window On The Third Floor
i look down
the words from behind
push me push
i turn and leave through the door
i look up
from the sidewalk
and still higher
a bird silhouette
glides under bright clouds
Senna Jawa
2002-09-15
Last edited:
Senna Jawa
Literotica Guru
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- 3,272
Re: Re: Re: Fall from the third floor(Window on the third floor)
Regards,
I don't know--poetry is not easy. But even removing the first line is better than including it._Land said:
Regards,
perks
sarcasduck ruffleslut
- Joined
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- Posts
- 40,901
Re: Fall from the third floor(Window on the third floor)
I'll twist it a bit, as I have time. And offering a solution is part of the great process we call poetry, instead of just being an abrupt dickhead.<smiling sweetly>
so here goes.
I have to agree the first line should be implied poetically instead of stated.
Staring down
at busy commodities
risky stock
lost options
jump
notice I added some words, but gave the same feel and added an extra layer with the stock options, but word play with life choices. There was too much of a jump between your bad risk and jump. I wasn't feeling the reason "bad risk" didn't work for me.
If I went to far with my edit, forgive me. But I enjoyed your perspective from the third floor.
_Land said:
I'll twist it a bit, as I have time. And offering a solution is part of the great process we call poetry, instead of just being an abrupt dickhead.<smiling sweetly>
so here goes.
I have to agree the first line should be implied poetically instead of stated.
Staring down
at busy commodities
risky stock
lost options
jump
notice I added some words, but gave the same feel and added an extra layer with the stock options, but word play with life choices. There was too much of a jump between your bad risk and jump. I wasn't feeling the reason "bad risk" didn't work for me.
If I went to far with my edit, forgive me. But I enjoyed your perspective from the third floor.
Angeline
Poet Chick
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- Mar 11, 2002
- Posts
- 27,363
Third Floor Fire Escape 1980
Creak open wooden sash
C'mon girl!
Steve climbs through
I take his hand
step out it's grand
on the fire escape
feels nice and cool
us, the blanket, wine
go fine with hot mouths
and summer skin smells
vulnerable to me
sweet like berries
overripe about to burst
the worst was when
we parted panting
and ohfuck granting
we were young. dumb,
unaware we failed
to notice on the street
some happy guy stood
his night complete.
Creak open wooden sash
C'mon girl!
Steve climbs through
I take his hand
step out it's grand
on the fire escape
feels nice and cool
us, the blanket, wine
go fine with hot mouths
and summer skin smells
vulnerable to me
sweet like berries
overripe about to burst
the worst was when
we parted panting
and ohfuck granting
we were young. dumb,
unaware we failed
to notice on the street
some happy guy stood
his night complete.
Last edited:
_Land
Bear Sage
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- Aug 3, 2002
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- 1,317
Re: Re: Fall from the third floor(Window on the third floor)
Thanks Perky, sometimes I havnt got the luxury of sitting and looking at what I write, and when you first write something its hard to detatch yourself and read it like it was some one elses words. Great Edit, and no you didnt go to far
Thanks Perky, sometimes I havnt got the luxury of sitting and looking at what I write, and when you first write something its hard to detatch yourself and read it like it was some one elses words. Great Edit, and no you didnt go to far
perky_baby said:
Lauren Hynde
Hitched
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2002
- Posts
- 21,061
Window On The Third Floor
the saddest of times
that invisible pivot
at the end of the party
of silent concurrence
everyone collects
their belongings
their lighters and jackets
their raincoats and dates
one last beer hanging
from plastic rind's five fingers
perfunctory remarks
seemingly insincere
acknowledge the hostess
and leave
shutting the door
and in the utter silence
the party's wake
as voices recede down the hall
she sits facing west
perched in striated light
and considers a leap of faith
the saddest of times
that invisible pivot
at the end of the party
of silent concurrence
everyone collects
their belongings
their lighters and jackets
their raincoats and dates
one last beer hanging
from plastic rind's five fingers
perfunctory remarks
seemingly insincere
acknowledge the hostess
and leave
shutting the door
and in the utter silence
the party's wake
as voices recede down the hall
she sits facing west
perched in striated light
and considers a leap of faith
Last edited:
Angeline
Poet Chick
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2002
- Posts
- 27,363
Fire Escapes and Things
Eve, I didn't think it was you there on the street(lol); you're younger and much better looking! Although if you had been on the fire escape too, I'll bet ol' Steve would have been really happy.
Again, a great thread and another way to get us writing. Thank you!
I really like the poems on this thread so far, but one in particular I wanted to comment on--
Window On The Third Floor
the saddest of times
that invisible pivot
at the end of the party
of silent concurrence
everyone collects
their belongings
their lighters and jackets
their raincoats and dates
one last beer hanging
from plastic rind's five fingers
perfunctory remarks
seemingly insincere
acknowledge the hostess
and leave
shutting the door
and in the utter silence
the party's wake
as voices recede down the wall
she sits facing west
perched in striated light
and considers a leap of faith
Lauren , I love your poem. The images are concrete--I can see people saying goodbye to the hostess, filing out. I have often thought about this subject as one that cries out for poetry (although, arguably, everything does--no?). There is something elegaic about everyone leaving after all the merriment, and you really captured it.
It reminded me of the following lines from T.S. Eliot's "The Wasteland" in part 2, "A Game of Chess."
"HURRY UP PLEASE ITS TIME
HURRY UP PLEASE ITS TIME
Goodnight Bill. Goodnight Lou. Goodnight May. Goodnight.
Ta ta. Goodnight.
Goodnight ladies, good night, sweet ladies, goodnight, goodnight."
Eve, I didn't think it was you there on the street(lol); you're younger and much better looking! Although if you had been on the fire escape too, I'll bet ol' Steve would have been really happy.
Again, a great thread and another way to get us writing. Thank you!
I really like the poems on this thread so far, but one in particular I wanted to comment on--
Window On The Third Floor
the saddest of times
that invisible pivot
at the end of the party
of silent concurrence
everyone collects
their belongings
their lighters and jackets
their raincoats and dates
one last beer hanging
from plastic rind's five fingers
perfunctory remarks
seemingly insincere
acknowledge the hostess
and leave
shutting the door
and in the utter silence
the party's wake
as voices recede down the wall
she sits facing west
perched in striated light
and considers a leap of faith
Lauren , I love your poem. The images are concrete--I can see people saying goodbye to the hostess, filing out. I have often thought about this subject as one that cries out for poetry (although, arguably, everything does--no?). There is something elegaic about everyone leaving after all the merriment, and you really captured it.
It reminded me of the following lines from T.S. Eliot's "The Wasteland" in part 2, "A Game of Chess."
"HURRY UP PLEASE ITS TIME
HURRY UP PLEASE ITS TIME
Goodnight Bill. Goodnight Lou. Goodnight May. Goodnight.
Ta ta. Goodnight.
Goodnight ladies, good night, sweet ladies, goodnight, goodnight."
Last edited:
Lauren Hynde
Hitched
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2002
- Posts
- 21,061
Re: Re: Re: I'll give you the Title - you give me the Poem
I'm glad you liked it, Eve. It came to me unusually quickly, for me. Thanks for the comment and for the challenge. Wonderful idea.
P.S.: Actually, I really meant to say "perched in striated light", but now that you wrote "straight light" I'm having second thoughts. What do you think?
P.P.S.: Angie, your poem is great! If I didn't know better, I'd say you're turning Wicked
WickedEve said:
I'm glad you liked it, Eve. It came to me unusually quickly, for me. Thanks for the comment and for the challenge. Wonderful idea.
P.S.: Actually, I really meant to say "perched in striated light", but now that you wrote "straight light" I'm having second thoughts. What do you think?
P.P.S.: Angie, your poem is great! If I didn't know better, I'd say you're turning Wicked
Lauren Hynde
Hitched
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2002
- Posts
- 21,061
Re: Fire Escapes and Things
Goodnight ladies, ladies goodnight
It's time to say goodbye
Let me tell you, now, goodnight ladies, ladies goodnight
It's time to say goodbye
Ah, all night long you've been drinking your tequilla rye
But now you've sucked your lemon peel dry
So why not get high, high, high and
Goodnight ladies, ladies goodnight
Thank you, Angie. You're so right. And that reminded me of something else too! Lou Reed's Goodnight Ladies:Angeline said:
Goodnight ladies, ladies goodnight
It's time to say goodbye
Let me tell you, now, goodnight ladies, ladies goodnight
It's time to say goodbye
Ah, all night long you've been drinking your tequilla rye
But now you've sucked your lemon peel dry
So why not get high, high, high and
Goodnight ladies, ladies goodnight
Angeline
Poet Chick
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2002
- Posts
- 27,363
And Speaking of Soft Thuds
Eve wrote:
The thud is louder
when it comes from 3 stories up.
I saw the free fall from sill to sidewalk.
The plummet was so quick
I didn't have time to shove Grandma out of the way.
She was treated for scratches.
I think she'll sue for the shredded
"Grandmas Do It With Fresh Baked Cookies" tee.
Still, it was fortunate Grandma was there.
She padded the Siamese's landing.
I went back and read Eve's sly, funny poem. Poor Grandma! (hehe). It put me in mind of this memory, which did not happen from a third-floor window, but is sorta similar. (I think my mother still has not forgiven my dad and me for giggling hysterically at the time.)
Dinner out on Mother's Day
dressed up we slide into
red-leather pleated booth
Ho Wah
Restaurant of some smallville repute
the snazzy bar replete with silky
vivid drinks all luxe and panoramic
paper parachute abristle
brought to you by "Tommy,"
slithering among the tables silent
haute unapproachable cute.
Giant tassled menu hurts my head
to look at choices so instead I eye
the room for some other poor soul
familial and duty-bound like me
to share a glance of stoic sympathy
suffer pu-pu platters and volcano
steak brought out aflame held high
escorted like a bride I want to die
what must they think of us that we
applaud such silliness I feel just
clueless out of loop O' they'll be pissed
when I say really only soup for me.
But I am saved before my name is Mud
my musing broken by the thud and soft
oof of my Grandma whom I really love but
who should not have worn that silk dress
or sucked down that huge tricolored thing
silk sliding and I'm snickering dear god
she's drunk and laying on the rug.
Of course she's fine her corsage none
the worse for wear my father and me
quite the pair insert her safely by the
wall but not before some waiter gliding
by the burning pu-pu platter hoisted
on the tray smiles viciously and stops
to say:
Did Grandma fall on Mother's Day?
Eve wrote:
The thud is louder
when it comes from 3 stories up.
I saw the free fall from sill to sidewalk.
The plummet was so quick
I didn't have time to shove Grandma out of the way.
She was treated for scratches.
I think she'll sue for the shredded
"Grandmas Do It With Fresh Baked Cookies" tee.
Still, it was fortunate Grandma was there.
She padded the Siamese's landing.
I went back and read Eve's sly, funny poem. Poor Grandma! (hehe). It put me in mind of this memory, which did not happen from a third-floor window, but is sorta similar. (I think my mother still has not forgiven my dad and me for giggling hysterically at the time.)
Dinner out on Mother's Day
dressed up we slide into
red-leather pleated booth
Ho Wah
Restaurant of some smallville repute
the snazzy bar replete with silky
vivid drinks all luxe and panoramic
paper parachute abristle
brought to you by "Tommy,"
slithering among the tables silent
haute unapproachable cute.
Giant tassled menu hurts my head
to look at choices so instead I eye
the room for some other poor soul
familial and duty-bound like me
to share a glance of stoic sympathy
suffer pu-pu platters and volcano
steak brought out aflame held high
escorted like a bride I want to die
what must they think of us that we
applaud such silliness I feel just
clueless out of loop O' they'll be pissed
when I say really only soup for me.
But I am saved before my name is Mud
my musing broken by the thud and soft
oof of my Grandma whom I really love but
who should not have worn that silk dress
or sucked down that huge tricolored thing
silk sliding and I'm snickering dear god
she's drunk and laying on the rug.
Of course she's fine her corsage none
the worse for wear my father and me
quite the pair insert her safely by the
wall but not before some waiter gliding
by the burning pu-pu platter hoisted
on the tray smiles viciously and stops
to say:
Did Grandma fall on Mother's Day?
Last edited:
Star At Sunrise
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2002
- Posts
- 183
Great thread
Wow, the poems in this thread knock me out. I'm really impressed by all of them, there's not a weak one in the bunch. Who knew that a third floor window could be such a poetic image?
Great work, everyone!
Wow, the poems in this thread knock me out. I'm really impressed by all of them, there's not a weak one in the bunch. Who knew that a third floor window could be such a poetic image?
Great work, everyone!
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