If you don't have anything nice to say -

[Guest]

Well, hell. I know sometimes people don't quite know what to say when someone has suffered some sort of tragedy - death, divorce, job loss, whatever.

BUT.

Today I ran into a gal I hadn't seen for a few months. She was gracious with her hellos, and then wanted to know if I enjoyed my summer this year because she sure hoped it was better than last year's!

I was a bit stunned, then gently reminded her that this year's summer could hardly get worse for me (last year a death in my immediate family) and then she chuckled and agreed.

I didn't chuckle.

Why are people so fucking stupid?

(I know, I know - when I wake up tomorrow morning I'll realize she was attempting to be nice and she just put her big ol' foot in her mouth. And it's my third rum and coke that is making me feel so temporarily maudlin. But it still pisses me off.)

Somebody drink with me!!!

 

[ferociouskittycat]

I'll drink tea...

I lost my father a few months ago and understand what you're saying.

They mean well.

If I had alcohol and thought of my dad, I'd be a mess.

Sorry to hear of your loss. Cheers, in the 'chink' of glasses sense.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

I almost lost my mom this past year, her lung collapsed on Cmas morning, we never thought she would pull through after New Year's but she did, however, I was forced to leave my job and things keep going downhill.

But my hair looks great.

 

[Guest]

Drinks for us all -

And hugs all around.

It takes so long to get through it - sometimes I think it's going to take forever.

 

[Guest]

Well, hell. I know sometimes people don't quite know what to say when someone has suffered some sort of tragedy - death, divorce, job loss, whatever.

BUT.

Today I ran into a gal I hadn't seen for a few months. She was gracious with her hellos, and then wanted to know if I enjoyed my summer this year because she sure hoped it was better than last year's!

I was a bit stunned, then gently reminded her that this year's summer could hardly get worse for me (last year a death in my immediate family) and then she chuckled and agreed.

I didn't chuckle.

Why are people so fucking stupid?

(I know, I know - when I wake up tomorrow morning I'll realize she was attempting to be nice and she just put her big ol' foot in her mouth. And it's my third rum and coke that is making me feel so temporarily maudlin. But it still pisses me off.)

Somebody drink with me!!!

I'll have a strong one with you. Have lost too many people close to me. And I pretty much hate all the "Profound" statements people like to throw in for "comfort". Just say, "Im sorry for your loss." and leave it alone.

Next time I hear "The lord works in mysterious ways." I may slap them.

 

[doormouse]

Yep, that and I'm sorry. Immediately talking about their day like your emotions are nothing.

I know it's hard for people to know what to say, but it's the insensitive remarks that cut to the bone.

Like what was said to SSSarahh.

Hugsssssss SweetSubSarahhhh. I'll light a candle for you tonight.

 

[wishfulthinking]

Death is a tricky subject, and everyone deals with it differently. I never know what to say. So often it is a very uncomfortable conversation for all. I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it, and probably still kicking herself for it.

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: If you don't have anything nice to say -

Next time I hear "The lord works in mysterious ways." I may slap them.

Yes.

Also - "Everything happens for a reason."

Well, fuck that. That doesn't mean it has to be for a good reason!

But I realize people don't know what to say. I attempt patience.

Nahhh, I don't have much patience. But I'm trying!

 

[matriarch]

Death is a tricky subject, and everyone deals with it differently. I never know what to say. So often it is a very uncomfortable conversation for all. I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it, and probably still kicking herself for it.

I agree, Wish. Consolations about death are very difficult, its a topic most of us, if honest, would rather not face. And trying to find the right thing to say is incredibly difficult.

The age of the person who has died will have a direct bearing on our reaction to, and acceptance of the death. When its someone over 60, the acceptance is easier, illogical I know but be honest here, it is; younger than that and it gets difficult; a child, and comprehension of that death is almost impossible. What it must feel like to be the parent, grandparent, any close relative of that child. My mind and body go numb. I had a close colleague who had to deliver her child, knowing it was already dead. When I visited her after she was released from hospital I couldn't speak. I simply took her in my arms and held her. Words were impossible.

Personally, in most cases, if acceptable, all I can do is touch. Usually an extended hug. There are no words I can say that will ever console them, so after, 'I'm so sorry', I don't even try.

 

[ferociouskittycat]

I agree, Wish. Consolations about death are very difficult, its a topic most of us, if honest, would rather not face. And trying to find the right thing to say is incredibly difficult.

The age of the person who has died will have a direct bearing on our reaction to, and acceptance of the death. When its someone over 60, the acceptance is easier, illogical I know but be honest here, it is; younger than that and it gets difficult; a child, and comprehension of that death is almost impossible. What it must feel like to be the parent, grandparent, any close relative of that child. My mind and body go numb. I had a close colleague who had to deliver her child, knowing it was already dead. When I visited her after she was released from hospital I couldn't speak. I simply took her in my arms and held her. Words were impossible.

Personally, in most cases, if acceptable, all I can do is touch. Usually an extended hug. There are no words I can say that will ever console them, so after, 'I'm so sorry', I don't even try.

That is so true.

My sister lost twins late term to pre-eclampsia.

Their funeral was one of the saddest days of my life. All I could do was hold my sister. I was too distraught to talk, let alone what she must have been going through.

A hug says a thousand words.

 

[oggbashan]

I was a bit stunned, then gently reminded her that this year's summer could hardly get worse for me (last year a death in my immediate family) and then she chuckled and agreed.

I didn't chuckle.

Why are people so fucking stupid?

She's probably feeling bad about it as well. People's reactions to real life can be insensitive and hurtful to you and them. It is difficult to express emotional support in words.

Even writing a letter of sympathy can be hard if you know the people well. I try to include things about the deceased that I remember with affection, even the jokes they used to tell. However sincere I feel, it can be taken the wrong way because neither I, nor anyone else, can know how someone feels grief.

Og

 

[CharleyH]

Weird thing death, everyone's reaction to it different, particularly in different circumstances of the death itself.

My Father died quickly, peacefully, and the comments seemed limited.

As my Mother was diing, I ran their business, and so was constantly baraged with questions and suffered with a smile through comments. You think people say odd things when people are dead? LOL - you should hear what they say when someone is diing! Nonetheless, one has to forgive what on the surface (because of your own emotional state) seems indifference or insensitivity - I doubt the girl meant to come off as either.

She no doubt chuckled out of embarrassment, for she may have forgotten the death of your Mother. Taking into account your own pain, you have to remember the awkwardness from her point of view. She probably wasn't expecting you to remind her, however gently.

 

[RavenSpirit2k4]

Re: Re: If you don't have anything nice to say -

I'll have a strong one with you. Have lost too many people close to me. And I pretty much hate all the "Profound" statements people like to throw in for "comfort". Just say, "Im sorry for your loss." and leave it alone.

Next time I hear "The lord works in mysterious ways." I may slap them.

Oh yeah, I felt like bitch-slapping a few people after my mother died because of all the platitudes. Not only did they NOT help, but I just got tired of hearing the same crap over and over.

The best thing said to me after my mother died (of lymphona) was by a relative whose daughter died of diabetes - "they're better off". That may sound cold to some, but it was the pure truth.

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Re: If you don't have anything nice to say -

Oh yeah, I felt like bitch-slapping a few people after my mother died because of all the platitudes. Not only did they NOT help, but I just got tired of hearing the same crap over and over.

The best thing said to me after my mother died (of lymphona) was by a relative whose daughter died of diabetes - "they're better off". That may sound cold to some, but it was the pure truth.

im with you, babe. a few years ago, i lost three grandparents, a cousin and an uncle.
"let me know if there's anything i can do for you." ugh.. id be rich if i had a dime for everytime i heard that.

strangely, when my father died three years ago, the platitudes were very few. oddly, i felt almost bereft with the lack of sympathy? i think people are just so used to my family being tragic now.. *shrug*

today, i take care of my mother. she is bed bound for the most part. i so hate it when people ask is mom is doing any better... as if some miracle is going to come along and enable her to walk. i know its all with good intentions.. just nails on a chalk board. so when someone asks what they can do to help, i usually reply with... "well, if you could manage to come clean out the bedside commode, that would be awesome"

 

[CharleyH]

Re: Re: Re: Re: If you don't have anything nice to say -

so when someone asks what they can do to help, i usually reply with... "well, if you could manage to come clean out the bedside commode, that would be awesome"

ROFL - that's just about the most perfect answer I have ever heard!!! If you don't really say it, you definately should. If only I had been that cleaver. lol

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: If you don't have anything nice to say -

ROFL - that's just about the most perfect answer I have ever heard!!! If you don't really say it, you definately should. If only I had been that cleaver. lol

thanks charley.. yes, i do say it but for some reason, *they* always think im kidding.
i get away with saying things that others cant. maybe its in the delivery?

 

[Octavian]

people can be so insensitive

What about the person who asked the following question.

"Well apart from that, Mrs Lincoln, how much did you enjoy the play?"

Octavian

 

[Guest]

Weird thing death, everyone's reaction to it different, particularly in different circumstances of the death itself.

My Father died quickly, peacefully, and the comments seemed limited.

As my Mother was diing, I ran their business, and so was constantly baraged with questions and suffered with a smile through comments. You think people say odd things when people are dead? LOL - you should hear what they say when someone is diing! Nonetheless, one has to forgive what on the surface (because of your own emotional state) seems indifference or insensitivity - I doubt the girl meant to come off as either.

She no doubt chuckled out of embarrassment, for she may have forgotten the death of your Mother. Taking into account your own pain, you have to remember the awkwardness from her point of view. She probably wasn't expecting you to remind her, however gently.

You are so correct of all of that. People really don't know what to say. I don't think she forgot, though. I think she was referring to it as she initially spoke (then again, my vision is a bit slanted concerning this).

It was my big brother who passed away shortly after his brain tumor diagnosis. He was 42. We all took care of him (with Hospice's help) in my parent's house. We were all able to be there with him when he died.

During that awful time people from my parent's church brought food. Lots of it. They were terrific. If they hadn't, we probably wouldn't have eaten much (except for taking care of the children). They organized it, had specific themes so people brought the same things - lasagne or meatloaf or pizza - they came by, carried in platters and bowls and accessories, hugged everyone, and left. It was amazing.

I probably didn't have so many sensitivities to grief before - but I suppose now I have issues. The pastor of my church emailed me, said I would be very good now at helping to guide other people through their own grief. I don't know about that.

But it has taught me to think a bit more before I speak. So many people have attempted to give me advice. Advice? Are they insane? Grief is so personal - different situations, experiences, different abilities to fight though the fog.

I suppose what works best (at least for me) are the hugs. Unconditional, loving support.

 

[matriarch]

I suppose what works best (at least for me) are the hugs. Unconditional, loving support.

The touch of another person, is in my opinion, the most eloquent of sympathetic statements that can ever be made.

 

[carsonshepherd]

My dad died of cancer when I was a teenager and there are many of those moments in my life.

A couple of things people said stand out to me. "Your dad was a good guy," and Also, "You miss him, don't you." Just simple things.

People don't always know what to say. Understanding that lets you forgive them. And a lot of times they have tragedy in their own lives just like we all do.

 

[sweetnpetite]

some people laugh when they are nervous.

Sometimes my face wants to smile for no reason when it's entirely inappropriate- like when someone is telling me something really bad. I don't know why it happes and I always hope to got that no one notices that I'm trying not to smile.

Anyway, when I was about 15, my neighbor and (adult) friend had told me that she was pregnant, but then she miscaried. I didn't know what to say when she told me. I didn't want to ask her how are you doing or anything stupid like that. I didn't want to say, "I'm sorry," because I know her and she would have said, 'it's not your fault' so I just softly said, 'that's sad.' and she said 'yes it is.' Now I know that some people think that was a dumb thing to say and that I just stated the obvious, but it was the best way at the time for me to empathise, and I really think that she appreciated my words. I didn't try to chear her up or make her feel better- I just stayed in that moment with her, I guess where we were sad together. I just sat quietly in her kitchen until she was ready to talk.

I think the worst thing people can do is try to make you feel better. Because its like telling you that its not ok to feel your own feelings because it makes *them* uncomfortable. It's better to let them know that sometimes its ok to feel bad or sad or angry or whatever.

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Re: If you don't have anything nice to say -

Yes.

Also - "Everything happens for a reason."

Well, fuck that. That doesn't mean it has to be for a good reason!

But I realize people don't know what to say. I attempt patience.

Nahhh, I don't have much patience. But I'm trying!

The worst one for me is, "It's Gods will."

Well fuck god then. I don't need a god like that.