If you are so inclined...

[Lady_Guenivere]

Would you kindly read my new story and offer some feedback? I was going for a soft, intimate exploration in consensual violence. I wanted it to be sexy and sensual...but still edgy.

Did it work or should I go back to the drawing board?

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=468433

 

[sxyoldguy]

Nice!

FWIW It would have been an easire read if some of the longer paragraphs were broken up a bit. There is one towards the end that starts with him and ends with her.

But I liked it and I'm not especially into the pain thing.

Good job

 

[bwallard]

It didn't work for me because I caught on right away that they had an arrangement. After that it reads like a recipe.

It's a one-character fantasy.

So what happens if you add another character. Or make the other character independent of the one character's fantasy. We should get a hint of that early. It would give this story the edge this story needs.

Write it again.

 

[PacoFear]

Minor stuff
Yep, sexyoldguy was right, you need to break up some of those paragraphs for easier computer screen reading. There's no magic to it, just think of a new paragraph as a really long period.

Head Hopping
The other thing that struck me was some fairly regular head-hopping. More often than not, describing the thoughts of more than one character can remove the reader from the story. I noticed that you have Dr. Mabeuse listed among your favorites. His "Good Student" stands as a beacon of BDSM genius. Look back at it and see how he focuses on one perspective in any given chapter.

Little Poetry?
BDSM is a heady, tactile, and emotionally-charged endeavor. You've described what happens as a series of actions, for my tastes, you could use a bit more art. Some of the best BDSM descriptions verge on the poetic. Cut loose and channel your inner poet. I adlibbed something below that's along the lines of what I'm thinking:

A bead of fear-sweat danced down her already slick back, tracing its way along the valley to the left of her spine. She felt it's entire journey, starting from beneath the hair at the base of her neck and shimmying downwards until it pooled in the little dimple above her ass. Her last boyfriend had loved that dimple. He'd been sweet... normal... boring. She realized she didn't miss him. She felt more alive now, more aware than she'd ever been. For the first time in her life, she could actually smell herself. Her nostrils were clogged with the heady scent of her fear, arousal, and shame. She was getting dizzy on her body's own perfume and the stinging slaps that rained down on the delicate flesh of her rump. No, she'd never be sweet or normal or boring again.

Keep up the good work.

-PF

 

[spyro1123]

I agree that it is tricky to figure out who is telling the story... after rereading parts of it I think it is mostly told from the male perspective, but with so much of what she is feeling that it gets confusing.

I think you should either focus on what he is feeling what he is seeing, or focus on her. I think these kinds of stories are easier to tell from the sub side of things. They can be told from to dom side but it is trickier.

As it is written I hear a lot about what she is feeling even though it is written from his point of view. I don't know much about him.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Can I try (arrogantly) to bring together the replies of spyro, sxyoldguy and paco.


On the backlit, rolling screen of the net, anything beyond six lines is hard to read. Look at web newspapers and you'll see they rarely go above 4 lines a para.

Yes, I think the best BDSM is written from a single POV. I must admit, though no BDSM expert, I found your changing POV lowered the tension. I think that's what Paco means by 'headhopping'.

It's not my scene really, but from the good BDSM I've read, the story should be focussed on the emotions of the submissive who gives the power transfer to the Master/Mistress.

Don't go back to the drawing board, just focus on one of the two sides next time.

 

[Lady_Guenivere]

Incredible feedback...thank you!!! I will take what you all suggested moving forward...