naudiz
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Oct 27, 2000
- Posts
- 2,942
I'd be a better public speaker.
Seriously, though. I'm actually feeling kind of somber today. I pondered whether or not I should post, and I decided yes. Not only am I kind of bored, but I also think that it's okay once in awhile to set aside the jester's cap and show another side of oneself.
Some of you may know I do a lot of online role-play -- not necessarily sexually related, and in fact the stories are usually not about sex. I explore a lot of horror themes (Lovecraftian tentacled nasties, vampires, etc.) and some fantasy themes (wizards, dragons, etc.). It's fun, and it's a good exercise in creativity. I'd rather do this than watch television. I like having an active role in my entertainment.
Recently, though, I explored a story that was set in the real world between two people who are wholly unremarkable save that they're people. Human, with the strengths and weaknesses that go along with it. The story that unfolded, completely from the minds of myself and the person with whom I was role-playing, is one of the most profound things I've ever dealt with in such a setting.
I suppose that being just a normal person, like the character, it was easier to get in touch and empathize with him. To get into situations where there was no magic or high tech gadget to pull him to safety, as a writer, I had to reach inside myself and find ways to cope that I would have available to me, if put in the same place. Have I stopped making sense yet? Bear with me. I can really make this confusing if I try hard enough.
It was hard. Things from my past came up and I had to deal with them -- things I'd pushed away and tried to forget. Role-play is a game; it's a hobby, but it's also a tool used by therapists to treat their clients. Sometimes very real emotions crop up, and even though the scenario is happening to a character, the participant experiences a genuine emotional response.
Long story short, this scenario dealt with suicide. This is a touchy subject with me. I've lost friends to suicide, and I've been close to it myself. Working through this in a story was somewhat upsetting, but at the same time, it was liberating to finally deal with those feelings in a 'safe' place where it wasn't happening to me but rather to this fictitious person I'd created.
I actually cried. I had trouble sleeping for a few nights. I felt like a sentimental fool for letting myself get affected, but it was cleansing, and I've felt better these past few days than I have in months. It's got me thinking, though. I've been thinking a lot about death, and about what happens when someone decides to take his or her own life. I've thought of friends who have gone before and remembered what it was like to deal with the fact that not only were they never coming back, but that they'd done this to themselves.
No matter how much the rational mind realizes one isn't to blame, there is always the question: what did I do? Or worse: what didn't I do? In retrospect, you can see how it all unfolded, but by then it's too late. There is a sense of helplessness, not to mention anger and betrayal. It's bad enough to have to grieve for the loss of a loved one, but the absolute madness of trying to untangle that horrible question of 'why' is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.
So I'm kind of somber today. This isn't a plea for attention or hugs. I'm fine. I'm sharing these thoughts because I woke up this morning with a sense of profound gratitude for the simple gift of being alive. Sometimes we have troubles that seem overwhelming, and life feels like a chore. Sometimes it seems easier to back out than continue on, but it's not. Every morning this week, when I've woken up, and that first glimmer of consciousness dawns, my first thought has been 'thank you.'
My second thought is usually 'I've got to pee like a river' but that's neither here nor there.
It's probably foolish to let something like role-play affect me this much, and doubly so to actually admit it. Even so, I'm glad I did it. Life is a pretty precious thing. The people who love you are a gift, and you're a gift to them in turn. We're all in this together, and we're all we've got. I can think of nothing sadder than someone forsaking that for the easy way out.
Seriously, though. I'm actually feeling kind of somber today. I pondered whether or not I should post, and I decided yes. Not only am I kind of bored, but I also think that it's okay once in awhile to set aside the jester's cap and show another side of oneself.
Some of you may know I do a lot of online role-play -- not necessarily sexually related, and in fact the stories are usually not about sex. I explore a lot of horror themes (Lovecraftian tentacled nasties, vampires, etc.) and some fantasy themes (wizards, dragons, etc.). It's fun, and it's a good exercise in creativity. I'd rather do this than watch television. I like having an active role in my entertainment.
Recently, though, I explored a story that was set in the real world between two people who are wholly unremarkable save that they're people. Human, with the strengths and weaknesses that go along with it. The story that unfolded, completely from the minds of myself and the person with whom I was role-playing, is one of the most profound things I've ever dealt with in such a setting.
I suppose that being just a normal person, like the character, it was easier to get in touch and empathize with him. To get into situations where there was no magic or high tech gadget to pull him to safety, as a writer, I had to reach inside myself and find ways to cope that I would have available to me, if put in the same place. Have I stopped making sense yet? Bear with me. I can really make this confusing if I try hard enough.
It was hard. Things from my past came up and I had to deal with them -- things I'd pushed away and tried to forget. Role-play is a game; it's a hobby, but it's also a tool used by therapists to treat their clients. Sometimes very real emotions crop up, and even though the scenario is happening to a character, the participant experiences a genuine emotional response.
Long story short, this scenario dealt with suicide. This is a touchy subject with me. I've lost friends to suicide, and I've been close to it myself. Working through this in a story was somewhat upsetting, but at the same time, it was liberating to finally deal with those feelings in a 'safe' place where it wasn't happening to me but rather to this fictitious person I'd created.
I actually cried. I had trouble sleeping for a few nights. I felt like a sentimental fool for letting myself get affected, but it was cleansing, and I've felt better these past few days than I have in months. It's got me thinking, though. I've been thinking a lot about death, and about what happens when someone decides to take his or her own life. I've thought of friends who have gone before and remembered what it was like to deal with the fact that not only were they never coming back, but that they'd done this to themselves.
No matter how much the rational mind realizes one isn't to blame, there is always the question: what did I do? Or worse: what didn't I do? In retrospect, you can see how it all unfolded, but by then it's too late. There is a sense of helplessness, not to mention anger and betrayal. It's bad enough to have to grieve for the loss of a loved one, but the absolute madness of trying to untangle that horrible question of 'why' is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.
So I'm kind of somber today. This isn't a plea for attention or hugs. I'm fine. I'm sharing these thoughts because I woke up this morning with a sense of profound gratitude for the simple gift of being alive. Sometimes we have troubles that seem overwhelming, and life feels like a chore. Sometimes it seems easier to back out than continue on, but it's not. Every morning this week, when I've woken up, and that first glimmer of consciousness dawns, my first thought has been 'thank you.'
My second thought is usually 'I've got to pee like a river' but that's neither here nor there.
It's probably foolish to let something like role-play affect me this much, and doubly so to actually admit it. Even so, I'm glad I did it. Life is a pretty precious thing. The people who love you are a gift, and you're a gift to them in turn. We're all in this together, and we're all we've got. I can think of nothing sadder than someone forsaking that for the easy way out.
