Idle Hands 6-14-02

[KillerMuffin]

We are rapidly running out of stories! If you have one you'd like to volunteer to be a vict--, er, to be discussed, please do!

This week, we have Idle Hands who hasn't spent nearly as much time on the board as I'd like to see. He does make very insightful comments when he does.


http://literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=49054


First off, I'm interested in any and all kinds of feedback. No need to pull the punches.

Lucy's Mystery Man is my first BDSM attempt, and I'm not an avid follower of the genre, so I have no idea how well I've done with the realism of the situation, or of the relationship between the characters. It was quite a bit of fun to write though, and I tried to maintain a level of tension throughout.

I've also tried to do a better job on the dialog than in my past work. Feedback on that would be great.

Finally, I'm starting to experiment in my stories with the necessary degree of realism. I'm coming to the opinion that fanatical devotion to realism in erotica isn't all it's cracked up to be. We're talking fantasy, after all. That's not to say that I'm throwing it out the window, but I'm not worried about it as much as I used to be. What do you think?

Thanks in advance.

- ih

 

[Pearl_Prynne]

Idle Hands:

I was wonderfully surprised with Lucy’s Mystery Man. The “Sado Slaves” ad at the top of BDSM stories is so intimidating! I’m fairly new to this category and to Literotica in general; please bear with me.

As you indicated that this is your first BDSM story, I assumed that it was also the character Lucy’s introduction to the “lifestyle.” Many of my comments to follow are made with that assumption. For the most part, my discussion is a chronological transcript of my reactions as I read the story. I hope that is acceptable to story discussion board protocol.

You did a great job of immediately connecting me to Lucy as she experiences the universal pleasure of warming up in the shower. I really liked the description of her opening the first envelope. The image of her finger sliding under the thick paper flap was very sexual.

I was curious about the nature of her job both for insight into her personality but also because you indicate that she has a boss. Could he be a possible author of the invitation? How comfortable is she with servitude at work? And of course, I was curious about the context and extent of her previous flirtation with the mystery man.

You describe a subtext from the bell-boy who takes her to the hotel room. Is he the same employee who is later granted voyeuristic pleasure? I think that would be a nice connection.

When Lucy gets to the room, she identifies the costume as that of a submissive. At that point I really wondered about her exposure to BDSM. And yet, the foreshadowing of the extra scarves is pretty obvious. What is Lucy thinking when she puts them in the drawer?

The mystery man’s introduction is excellent. He subtly establishes the dominant role with body language and word choice and is able to have both a calming and exciting effect on Lucy. I was completely comfortable (and turned on) with such a contradictory description. I think the following paragraph is PERFECT!

Lucy could not talk. The moment that their eyes met she felt that things had gone beyond costumes and playacting. She was compelled to break from his gaze and stare down at the rich carpet.

I had a little trouble envisioning her position for the first vibrator orgasm. It seemed too quick. I like orgasm descriptions.

When he cuts her panties, what does he use, and how does she feel emotionally? That would seem like a big deal to me: having something cut between her legs when she’s so helpless.

As he’s fondling and fucking her, does she ever resist the restraints? I imagine her fighting the ties, not just to avoid the super-sensitivity but also with her desire to touch him! If she’s content to be passive, I think you’d better write that, because my reaction as a non-submissive person (is there a BDSM name for people on the outside?) would involve a lot of resistance to the containment during the heat of the moment(s).

I wasn’t really into the room-service boy. I guess I just didn’t care about him. I was confused whether Lucy was really enjoying the exhibitionism or whether she was just overwhelmed by the continuous vibrator. I think it was a little much on the reader to handle some many factors at the same time, but that happens to me in most group sex stories.

A boring criticism: there are a couple of “it’s” when you don’t need the apostrophe in the couple paragraphs about the vibrator when she’s spread-eagle.

At the end of the story, there is a lot of action and description of some physical reactions, but I wanted more emotional description. How does she feel about the mystery man and the whole escapade?

And then, does she pass out after her orgasm? I wanted a little more realism there. I don’t think you could just fall asleep all tied up like that (but what do I know?) How did she sleep for days if he didn’t drug her?

And what’s her reaction when she comes to? Was it a dream? Is she horny? Satisfied? Confused? Ashamed? Thrilled? I think the story ends too quickly, but I know how excited I get when I finish a story. Sometimes I can’t even force myself to write complete sentences. His final card was a little hint, but I wanted Lucy’s closure on the situation.

Overall, Lucy’s Mystery Man was exciting from both a plot and sensory point of view. I think it’s a good transition into BDSM because I have a difficult time relating to the severe pain and humiliation in some of the stories but completely understood Lucy’s awe for this man, her excitement about the unknown, and her desire to please him in anyway possible. Your story was my first sense of understanding of why people are attracted to that kind of sex. Thanks for sharing it; I’m interested to read more of your work.

Pearl Prynne

 

[Idle_Hands]

First of all, thank you for all your kind praise.

You raise some interesting questions, many of which touch on things i had never even considered. A fair number pertain to getting into Lucy's head a bit more. Now that I see your comments, itemized like that, I think it might really improve the story.

You also have some questions which have to do with realism. As i mentioned in my little intro (which km quoted for me), with this story i started to worry less about realism. I don't want to get outlandish, but this stuff is fantasy, after all, so perhaps we can let some things slide. Sometimes the realistic details intrude too far. As an extreme example, I happen to find it distracting when characters in erotic stories deal with condoms (almost never, i know, but it does crop up).

Anyone else have an opinion on this?

Anyhow, thanks for your help. I came to Lit to find a place to stick my stories, and I've found a place that can really help me improve my skills. This place is great.

-ih

 

[abashed-dreamer]

Hi IH,

It's a workmanlike effort, and the mystery man does come up with a few interesting wrinkles.

I agree with some of the points of the last critic. The 'subs' reactions are a little unclear.

Perhaps you might give some thought to the varieties of s/m.
What is she after? is it pain? apparently not? just simple bondage? (coupled with sex with a stranger)?

She doesn't seem much fazed by the 'guests' including the second who comes on her. That could be a 'humiliation scene', but that not how it's written; really, there's (as said above) a hint of exhibitionism. Iow, not pure s/m if one's getting off on being shown off. You might give some thought to a master's pushing the limits a bit. OK, she likes one, admirer-guest, how about a whole roomful of guys, with their wives?

The master, too, needs to be thought about. In part, he seems just as if he's a gentle, if kinky sort, that wants to show her a good time. Gentle, quasi-sm, one might say. On the other hand, he could have be drawn more harshly. As it is, he's in part a romantic figure, and maybe that will attract female readers. A sort of Heathcliffe meets Robert Redford.


It flows well, and most, not all, technical stuff if OK [Note "it's"]. I did feel a bit manipulated in the first part; as if a skilled porn writer is systematically pushing the 'right' (i.e. standard) buttons.

Keep up the good work, and draw on your own experiences.

Jack

 

[wolf2002]

Hello IdleHands,

First of all I'd like to say: great story. It shows your stylistic skills are well developed, the descriptions of the scenery are very colourful, the story is exciting and hot, there are enough twists in to keep the attention of the reader. Fe, I think the appearance of the room service boy was a nice and unexpected development...

Okay, after this praise the critics you asked for. I share most of the comments already made on this thread. Having just published my first story I have been critized a lot for my 'flat' characters, and since I am especially aware of this, I feel this is partly the case with yours as well. Of course Lucy gets hot being touched, fingered and fucked so many times but the extra arousal should be the fact that she is completely dominated. This 'role play' of her and her master could be explained better. Why does she like so much to be dominated? Why does the master what he does?

Tjechov stated that a writer shouldn't hang a rifle on the wall if it doesn't have some purpose later in the story. In my opinion this is the case also with the first masturbation scene. It's hot, but it has no function. It sort of distracts the attention from the well-build tension with the 'forgotten' envelope. I'd prefer I you had let her make some tea instead of beginning to masturbate at once... It's not as if she comes short later

The same rule applies with the grinning hotel employee. Would be better if he turned out to be the room service boy.

The end was a little disappointing. The last sex scene should have been the ultimate, but was just more of the same (the first fuck scene was better)... then again you pulled out the vibrator, that was definitely too much. The last letter also wasn't very thrilling. I am sure a telented writer like you could come up with a more exciting end...

Please take all this criticism well, as I said I think the story is really good. Give a little more attention to the plot next time.

I'd be happy to read more from you...

 

[Idle_Hands]

Hi IH,

Perhaps you might give some thought to the varieties of s/m.
What is she after? is it pain? apparently not? just simple bondage? (coupled with sex with a stranger)?

She doesn't seem much fazed by the 'guests' including the second who comes on her. That could be a 'humiliation scene', but that not how it's written; really, there's (as said above) a hint of exhibitionism. Iow, not pure s/m if one's getting off on being shown off. You might give some thought to a master's pushing the limits a bit.

The master, too, needs to be thought about. In part, he seems just as if he's a gentle, if kinky sort, that wants to show her a good time. Gentle, quasi-sm, one might say. On the other hand, he could have be drawn more harshly. As it is, he's in part a romantic figure, and maybe that will attract female readers.

It flows well, and most, not all, technical stuff if OK [Note "it's"]. I did feel a bit manipulated in the first part; as if a skilled porn writer is systematically pushing the 'right' (i.e. standard) buttons.

Keep up the good work, and draw on your own experiences.

Jack

Thanks for your thoughts. It's good, at least, to hear that I'm getting the technical stuff down ok. You're right, though, my characters need some help.

And that's the whole challenge about writing good stories, isn't it? Already as I work on new stories it's getting harder to complete them. I find myself becoming far more critical of my own work, unable to just bang out a bit of hot porn.

It's interesting that you react as you do to the introductory shower scene. I added that fairly late in order to try and raise the heat of the story early on. I was afraid that without it there was too much initial exposition. I've read too many stories which ramble on for a long time before anything happens. I guess the challenge is to make it all germaine to the plot.

thanks again,

-ih

 

[Idle_Hands]

Hello IdleHands,

Fe, I think the appearance of the room service boy was a nice and unexpected development...

So the jury is not unanimous on this one.

Okay, after this praise the critics you asked for. I share most of the comments already made on this thread. Having just published my first story I have been critized a lot for my 'flat' characters, and since I am especially aware of this, I feel this is partly the case with yours as well.

got it, thanks.

Tjechov stated that a writer shouldn't hang a rifle on the wall if it doesn't have some purpose later in the story. In my opinion this is the case also with the first masturbation scene.

Again, this criticsm. I guess I should have found a better way to move the start of the story along.

The end was a little disappointing. The last sex scene should have been the ultimate, but was just more of the same (the first fuck scene was better)... then again you pulled out the vibrator, that was definitely too much. The last letter also wasn't very thrilling. I am sure a telented writer like you could come up with a more exciting end...

Please take all this criticism well, as I said I think the story is really good. Give a little more attention to the plot next time.

I'd be happy to read more from you...

All good points. Perhaps I will try to spruce up this story. Does anyone know how to update an already-posted story?

thanks,

- ih

 

[SexyChele]

I actually read through this story twice. The first time through was a little confusing for me, and I wanted to be sure I had things right before I responded here. The confusion on my part, might come from the fact that I am into BDSM, I don't know.

I think that, overall, you've pieced together a good work of fantasy. I don't know how you've handled dialogue previously, but I didn't find any technical problems here. I agree with the previous posters regarding "it's", though. Also, there were a few misspelled words - but, hey, that's one of my own biggies!

I think the audience that you will capture is the one who likes to flirt with the idea of BDSM, but you will not attract those who are into the lifestyle. That's not a bad thing. Many more people like to read BDSM because it's "kinky". And you've suceeded with that!

However, I think this could have been a truly great story, rather than being a very good story. Personally, I felt the shower masturbation scene was simply gratuitous. It could have been cut out entirely, as it added nothing to the story. I skipped over it the first time I read the story, but, in the interest of discussion, read it the second time. While it is well written, and every erotic, it doesn't play into what comes next. Plus, even though the story states that FedEx envelopes are not always that important, we are all of us curious to know what is in them. Knowing that envelope was waiting for Lucy took my mind away from the shower scene.

Also, Lucy had difficulty determining who the letter was from. I found this difficult. Okay, we are going to border on realism vs fantasy here, I know. But FedEx does require a sender's name - they do not send out packages and envelopes with "anonymous". If Lucy had truly wanted to know who sent the article, it would have been as simple as looking at the FedEx envelope.

Okay, I disregarded that the second time through.

I thought Lucy seemed very willing to go to a hotel, and even up to a hotel room where she would be alone, to meet a man she didn't know. It just didn't "click" for me. I was putting myself in Lucy's position, and this is just something that I, nor anyone involved in BDSM, would not do. Meet in the hotel bar for a drink? While wearing masks at Halloween? Yes. That would work. But Lucy's eagerness to follow through - without us knowing if Lucy had done this before or where her thoughts were - held me off a bit.

When the "stranger" comes into the room, Lucy recognizes him - yet we are not told what the relationship was/is. Is it the man she had flirted with before? Or some one new? What is going on in Lucy's mind? We are left with an emotionally "flat" Lucy. She is stirred - but how?

The scenes of Lucy being tied were very erotic, very nicely done. I had no problem seeing exactly what position she was. Wonderfully descriptive!

The scenes with both strangers in the room bothered me. First, being in the position Lucy was in would have elicited extreme humiliation. Not merely flushing, or desiring to be touched. Humiliation. Cringing at the knowledge that another man is seeing her in this position. What came out was that Lucy was into the whole thing, that it didn't bother her. A Master, knowing his sub's limits are not being pushed would hardly repeat the action. Normally, by calling another party into the room, a Master is intent on eliciting humiliation from his sub. When that doesn't happen, he won't do it again.

Also, at such an exclusive hotel as being given in the description, I would hardly expect a room service guy to say this: "Wow. Would you look at that. What a perfectly hot bitch you have there, sir." You would expect at an extremely fine hotel, the help would simply not comment. Look, yes. Comment, no. But then, this is that reality vs fantasy thing.

I did like the scene with the second guy in the room, but I couldn't relate to Lucy's reactions. Everything about the scene - the master asking the man to look, the second man stroking himself, Lucy being manipulated to orgasm - all spoke of a humiliation scene. Yet, Lucy was not humiliated in the least. She craved it. In such a situation, a master would have halted the scene, and asked the man to leave. BDSM is about control - and this scene it would be the master's ability to bring about humiliation to his sub.

I do agree with a previous poster regarding the final sex scene - too quick. Also, the master takes Lucy anally. In the story it sounds as though the master just slips in easily and Lucy has no more reaction to it than if she were being penetrated vaginally. Anal takes time. There is always resistance, and even the most experienced among us with anal, still have that feeling of extreme stretching and pulling that causes us to catch our breath, gasp, something. I think the masturbation scene might have been cut for more detail here.

Lastly, the ending left me confused. Days had gone by? Why? The letter at the end seemed to try to shed some light on the situation by indicating that they had had meetings before. Of course, that is why "Mystery" is in the title, right?

Overall, I thought the story was a good one. I think it will appeal to an audience that is curious, that likes the kinkier aspects of BDSM but that doesn't involve pain. It is a difficult genre to write in if you are not active in it, because most do not understand the motivating factors lying just under the surface.

Keep up the good work!

 

[Ray Dario]

Hmm, I don't know what happened. I posted my feedback here the other day and now it's gone. I musta done something wrong, so I'll try it again.

Overall you have done a good job with this story. You build up the main character well and you have a plot that moves forward. Good job.

Now onto the critique:

The first sentence in this story did not suck me in. Honestly if I'd been reading for pleasure I wouldn't have made it past the first paragraph.

Near the start of the story, the writing sounds a little repititous. I think this was caused by too many sentences starting with "She".

The dialog in the story sounded a little stilted and formal. Maybe that was what you were going for, especially with the man, but it made the story less enjoyable for me. The other thing about dialog is paragraphing. Each new speaker should get a new paragraph, you missed on that. And I would have liked for the dialog to have been broken out more from the narrative even when it was the same speaker. It gives the reader a better sense of "okay this was actually said."

About realism. I'm not actually into BDSM, but I have done some amount of reseach into it and I have talked with people who are. The main sense that I get from experienced BDSMers is that it is all about trust. In my opinion there was little basis for trust in this story so I would have to say it wasn't very realistic.

Continuing with that line of thinking: I found it hard to believe that the main character would actually go and take a bath in a hotel room rented by God only knows who. Man I wouldn't of done it, what if her admirer, whom she didn't know the identity of at that point, turned out to be a real nutcase? I found this to be almost, but not quite, jarringly unrealistic.

Later when she submitted to him, I also felt it was too early to much. Building a D/s relationship should take time and there was not enough in your story to be realistic.

But like you said, these are fantasies not reality and from that viewpoint it worked. If I hadn't been reading it for "realism" then I probably wouldn't have even noticed.

Again, it was a good story, your sex scenes were fairly good. They were erotic and entertaining. The rest of the story had decent plot and good character building in it. So, well done, good job.

Keep writing.

Ray

 

[Idle_Hands]

The confusion on my part, might come from the fact that I am into BDSM,

(snip)

I think the audience that you will capture is the one who likes to flirt with the idea of BDSM, but you will not attract those who are into the lifestyle.

Thanks for taking the time to go through it twice.

I'm glad to have someone more experienced in the BDSM area comment. It's clearly true that there are things about the relationship and dynamic which I was ill-equipped to deal with.

Even though I picture both of the characters as people who are exploring a new area, I'm sure many of the emotions that you discsuss would be the same, and including them in the story would really help.

As for Lucy's willingness to blindly go into this whole thing, I guess I thought of her as having more hope that it was the man from the past. I didn't want to over-do it, since I wanted to maintain the mystery. I guess I failed there, but it's a difficult balance.

Anyhow, thanks again.

- ih

 

[Idle_Hands]

The first sentence in this story did not suck me in. Honestly if I'd been reading for pleasure I wouldn't have made it past the first paragraph.

Wow. I'll have to look at that. I started with the idea that this was going to be more of a halloween story, and then it sat forever.

The dialog in the story sounded a little stilted and formal.

(snip)

The other thing about dialog is paragraphing.

I always have a hard time with dialog. My first stories never had any. I can recognize good dialog when i read it, but I have a hard time writing it. Partly it's because I haven't been in a lot of the situations I write about.

That's embarassing about the paragraphing. I know those rules, and had not noticed that i did that in a few places. Now I really want to clean up and re-post this story.

Tell me, what about cases where the same speaker goes on a bit while doing something? Does it work to combine description with dialog, like this:

He looked down at something on his desk. The sound of turning pages was loud in the quiet lobby. "Ah, yes. You are indeed expected. Come with me." He stepped from behind his desk and led her to the reception desk. "The key to 415, please?" he said to the clerk, who handed it to him with what might have been a twinkle in her eye. He took the key walked toward the elevator. On the way he handed it to a bell-hop and said, "Please show Miss Hampstead to room 415."

It seems a bit thick, but how should it be handled?

About realism.

Realism. Right. So I asked for input on this, and the consensus seems to be that it bothered people, even if they say "ok if it's fantasy." Perhaps it's another balance to strike.

Keep writing.

Ray

Thanks, Ray

 

[Idle_Hands]

Re: Idle Hands story: Lucy's Mystery Man

First of all I would like to say, that although I am not into BDSM, I really did enjoy the story. You made it seem like being tied up and used, might actually be fun.

This seems to be a trend: the folks who aren't so serious about BDSM like it more. Makes sense, since I'm in that camp, too.

However, I never felt like I knew the characters.

Ok, so this seems to be consistent criticism. I'll definitely have to work on that.

Thanks, Bunny...

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Idle Hands,

Hate to be this way, but I'm about to play the Grinch. I agree with virtually every criticism you've received and few of the warm fuzzies. IMHO, your opening was weak, the shower scene gratuitous, the characters shallow, the dialogue stilted, the story unbelievable, and the writing ragged with uneven spelling, grammar, and punctuation. (I know, bitch, bitch, bitch.)

Wish I could be more positive. Maybe I'm having a delayed mid-life crises. Anyway, I've got a new story pending, "Sure Cure for Depression" (Group Sex) so you can start counter-punching in a few days.

Rumple Foreskin.

 

[ronde]

Before I begin to make my comments, a consumer warning is in order. My high school English teacher thought the skill of diagramming sentences was the most certain path to eternal salvation, and after four years of this I developed an eye for syntax and grammar. (I developed some other things from her, too, but I'm mostly OK now)

I am in your shoes as far as subject matter. BDSM isn't my thing, so I can't comment about accuracy. I can comment about the vision generating power of the writing.

Excellent writing should rip you off the chair and force you into the scene as a close observer. If the story is told in the third person, the reader should view the scene through as many eyes as there are characters. Too often, the stories I read here take place in a nebulous mist where one sees the characters but nothing else. I enjoyed reading this story, even though it is not a subject for which I would normally seek. It is nice to read something that actually creates a setting for the action, and then takes the reader into the scene. You do this pretty well, so keep it up.


The dialogue is well written, and I could believe someone actually speaks in the manner as do your characters. I have a hard time believing any real woman ever says, "Fuck me, you huge piece of man meat." Your characters speak normally, and although some of the male character's words are stiff, they conveyed a certain feeling about him that I believe was probably intended.

I found one line that should have been dialogue, but was written as the words of the third person narrator.

Must have just missed the delivery guy.

This would have read a little better if written as: "Must have just missed the delivery guy”, she thought.

I found only a few errors in structure, and most are errors that I keep correcting in my own writing, so don't feel alone.

1. Portions of sentences that are separated by commas to convey a change of action should have a noun and a verb in both parts. An example:

She phoned for a cab and headed downstairs, mulling over her wardrobe.

I helps me to read each phrase to see if it makes sense by itself.

She phoned for a cab and headed downstairs - this makes sense

mulling over her wardrobe - no "who" for the verb "mulling"

I try to re-write these by adding the "who", or by relocating the comma.

She phoned for a cab, and then headed downstairs and began mulling over her wardrobe. The "she" or "Lucy" for the portion after the comma is understood in this case. To test this, put the "she" in both sentences to see if it makes sense.

2. Multiple uses of the same word

At last she arose and opened the champagne, pouring herself a glass. The delicious, dry nectar chilled her throat and spread calming warmth through her body. She went into the bathroom and ran water into the beautiful tub. She chose from a basket of lovely bath products and poured a rosy fluid under the tap. She went back to the room as the bath filled with hot water and bubbles. She took off her shoes, leaving them next to a pair of sandals that appeared to be just her size. She hung her dress in the closet and removed her underwear, folding them away in a drawer.

This paragraph paints a nice picture, but you "she'd " me to death. Note the first two or three words of each sentence:

At last she arose....She went.....She chose....She went...She took off....She hung....

I succomb to this when I start thinking the reader can't imagine a little and fill in the action or who created it. A possible rewrite would be:

At last, Lucy arose, opened the champagne, and poured herself a glass. The delicious, dry nectar chilled her throat and spread calming warmth through her body. She went into the bathroom and ran water into the beautiful tub. A search through a basket of lovely bath products yielded a rosy fluid which turned the water a relaxing shade of pale pink. As the bath filled, Lucy returned to the room, removed her shoes, and placed them in the closet. The sandals resting on the floor beside them appeared to be just her size. She hung her dress in the closet, and folded her underwear neatly in a drawer.

The writer need not describe every action of a character in detail. You correctly assumed I would know she took off her dress when you told me she hung it from a hanger. In my re-write, you can assume she poured the bath oil in the water, because the water turned pink.

As I said, don't feel alone. I'm sure that you will find the same errors in some of my work. I often read these critiques and then go over my work to correct the same errors, and I'm still correcting every story. I think I'm now brave enough to submit something to this board soon. Please feel free to comment on my work as I have on yours. Even with the errors I found, it's still a better piece than a lot of what gets published here. Keep writing!

 

[Idle_Hands]

Idle Hands,

Hate to be this way, but I'm about to play the Grinch.

Wow. I'll say.

I agree with virtually every criticism you've received,

Nothing of your own to add?

You know, I agree with a lot of the criticism which has been helpfully detailed by the previous posters, but don't think it's that bad a story, overall.

whatever.

-ih

 

[Idle_Hands]

My high school English teacher thought the skill of diagramming sentences was the most certain path to eternal salvation

I confess that I spent as much time ignoring my high school English teachers as possible. I was always a voracious reader, but I couldn't stay awake (or in) class.

I think I'm now brave enough to submit something to this board soon.

It can be quite an experience, but I'm learning a hell of a lot.
Lately I'm debating wether to edit some of my posted stuff, or just move ahead with the new. I'm pulled in both directions.

Even with the errors I found, it's still a better piece than a lot of what gets published here. Keep writing!

Thanks so much for taking the time to provide such detailed and informative criticism.

-ih

 

[cherrylips_au]

I read the story and thought it was really good. I don't know alot about BDSM but I thought it was believable. I do know that alot of trust is needed in bdsm but I thought you showed how Lucy was trusting yet wary and very vunerable too.
I thought the Lucy character was well shown as she moved from a self assured forthright woman to a vunerable submissive slave. The mystery man's character was kept consistent and I loved the notes leading her to him, I took it was the man she refered to after the first letter.
As to fantasy vs reality I think if the story takes you in then little things can be overlooked such as the fedex letters revealing the sender. Or allow the reader to make their own conclusions, such as the ending with her waking a few days later, I took it he had drugged her, in that way still controlling her after he has gone yet knowing she would be looked after at the hotel.
I agree with the dialogue comments about the hotel staff if it was such a high rated hotel as implied then the staff would reflect that at all times, even their comments (if any were made) upon seeing Lucy tied and bound would reflect this.
I thought the beginning wasn't as bad as others have said but was left wondering why you put the early shower scene in.
I did enjoy the story and thanks for sharing it.

 

[nclive2001]

From a Novice

I thought the story was excellent with just enough "kinky" to be realistic. Not sure that I am technically in the position to critique this work; I am certainly getting an eye opening experience learning from this board. So from a novice point of view, I found it a good read, kept my attention and most important was sexually exciting. I aspire to be as good as some of the authors including yourself with practice.

 

[Idle_Hands]

I read the story and thought it was really good. I don't know alot about BDSM but I thought it was believable. I do know that alot of trust is needed in bdsm but I thought you showed how Lucy was trusting yet wary and very vunerable too.
I thought the Lucy character was well shown as she moved from a self assured forthright woman to a vunerable submissive slave. The mystery man's character was kept consistent and I loved the notes leading her to him, I took it was the man she refered to after the first letter.
As to fantasy vs reality I think if the story takes you in then little things can be overlooked such as the fedex letters revealing the sender. Or allow the reader to make their own conclusions, such as the ending with her waking a few days later, I took it he had drugged her, in that way still controlling her after he has gone yet knowing she would be looked after at the hotel.
I agree with the dialogue comments about the hotel staff if it was such a high rated hotel as implied then the staff would reflect that at all times, even their comments (if any were made) upon seeing Lucy tied and bound would reflect this.
I thought the beginning wasn't as bad as others have said but was left wondering why you put the early shower scene in.
I did enjoy the story and thanks for sharing it.

Thanks for the feedback.

As for the question about why she slept so long, the story doesn't actually say that she did. The last note he writes her has a small reference to that, but it is intended more as a gentle bit of humor - a reference that she may have taken a long time to sleep off their night.

It looks like the shower scene was a bad idea. I just got worried that the intro was too much long exposition.

thanks again.

-ih

 

[Idle_Hands]

Re: From a Novice

I thought the story was excellent with just enough "kinky" to be realistic. Not sure that I am technically in the position to critique this work; I am certainly getting an eye opening experience learning from this board. So from a novice point of view, I found it a good read, kept my attention and most important was sexually exciting. I aspire to be as good as some of the authors including yourself with practice.

Thanks very much for such generous praise. Either that or you're not setting your sights that high.

I really enjoyed writing it, and I'm glad a fair number of people have enjoyed reading it, as well.

-ih