MidnightShadow
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jun 27, 2002
- Posts
- 212
if it wouldn't be too much trouble i'd like some feedback on the two stories in my signature.......thanks 
I'd really appreciate some feedback on my first two stories....
- Thread starter MidnightShadow
- Start date
MidnightShadow
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jun 27, 2002
- Posts
- 212
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=55895
the name of the story is Marti Gras....(i meant to spell it that way)
the name of the story is Marti Gras....(i meant to spell it that way)
MidnightShadow
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jun 27, 2002
- Posts
- 212
the_bragis
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2002
- Posts
- 389
mmm......I love a hero
Hi MidnightShadow,
I chose to read “Her Protector”. You know why? Because I really like the title, and after reading it I wasn’t disappointed.
This is what I noted as I read your story:
It was Friday night and the club I worked in was very busy. I work there on weekends as a bouncer.
It a good story, but it needs ‘tightening up’. Try reading it out aloud, that’s good solid advice that everyone around here gives, and it really does work. Consider this ‘tighter’version: It was Friday night and the club where I worked as a bouncer on weekends was very busy. It’s minor changes like this will make your story a smoother read.
"That looks pretty nasty," I said as I looked at her cheek.
Oh a nice man like you would do more than just have look wouldn’t he? Perhaps you would gently stroke her cheek, or tenderly touch it with your finger tips? Description will always make the story more interesting. (Oh and I think miss should have been Miss, but don't quote me...ok? I could be wrong.)
The story itself was good, but for me, I would have like more detail. I certainly wanted to know more about what you the hunky bouncer looked like, and I am sure male readers would have enjoyed a more detailed description of Tisha. I love that name by the way. Tisha’s soft round breasts with with her nipples pressing though the soft fabric of her blouse, or perhaps Tisha’s long leg disappearing under her short leather skirt? Oh, it might be just me, but sets of legs and hips didn’t sound right to me.
Again it might be just me, but I love getting 'inside the heads' of the characters. I hate because all the action is on the dance floor. I think getting into your head would have worked better. Something like: All the action is always on the dance floor. Women in their short shirts and high heels, rubbing up against each other and the men who love watching them. What red blood man wouldn’t enjoy a scene like that? - Your thoughts.
Well overall, I think this is a story the ladies will really enjoy. Very few women would not enjoy the fantasy of being rescued by a handsome and hunky man, and I’m certainly not one of them. I liked your story.
Have a great day,
Alex (fem)
Stories by me and B
Hi MidnightShadow,
I chose to read “Her Protector”. You know why? Because I really like the title, and after reading it I wasn’t disappointed.
This is what I noted as I read your story:
It was Friday night and the club I worked in was very busy. I work there on weekends as a bouncer.
It a good story, but it needs ‘tightening up’. Try reading it out aloud, that’s good solid advice that everyone around here gives, and it really does work. Consider this ‘tighter’version: It was Friday night and the club where I worked as a bouncer on weekends was very busy. It’s minor changes like this will make your story a smoother read.
"That looks pretty nasty," I said as I looked at her cheek.
Oh a nice man like you would do more than just have look wouldn’t he? Perhaps you would gently stroke her cheek, or tenderly touch it with your finger tips? Description will always make the story more interesting. (Oh and I think miss should have been Miss, but don't quote me...ok? I could be wrong.)
The story itself was good, but for me, I would have like more detail. I certainly wanted to know more about what you the hunky bouncer looked like, and I am sure male readers would have enjoyed a more detailed description of Tisha. I love that name by the way. Tisha’s soft round breasts with with her nipples pressing though the soft fabric of her blouse, or perhaps Tisha’s long leg disappearing under her short leather skirt? Oh, it might be just me, but sets of legs and hips didn’t sound right to me.
Again it might be just me, but I love getting 'inside the heads' of the characters. I hate because all the action is on the dance floor. I think getting into your head would have worked better. Something like: All the action is always on the dance floor. Women in their short shirts and high heels, rubbing up against each other and the men who love watching them. What red blood man wouldn’t enjoy a scene like that? - Your thoughts.
Well overall, I think this is a story the ladies will really enjoy. Very few women would not enjoy the fantasy of being rescued by a handsome and hunky man, and I’m certainly not one of them. I liked your story.
Have a great day,
Alex (fem)
Stories by me and B
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