I'd love to receive feedback

[Underboss3]

I'm posting the links to the two stories that I'm working on so far. I'd really like to hear from you, and get your feedback(good or bad). I'm especially interested in what the veterans of the site have to say about what I've written so far. Don't pull any punches. If you have something negative and constructive to say, say it(it's the only way I'll learn!).

[/URL] http://www.chyoo.com:81/dx/editor/?dx=s&story_id=1334

http://www.chyoo.com:81/dx/?dx=c&story_id=1399

 

[gystex]

Feedback

These are good stories. I'd give aces for mechanics (spelling, grammar, etc. - it is important!) and some kudos for descriptive talent.

Since you ask for critique, I will offer it with all candor.

I think that one weakness shared by both stories is that the situation that is set up is fairly vanilla. Both deal with a one-on-one encounter between a male and female, in a house, with no other characters involved and no other settings available. In short, once they fuck, what else is there? Either one of them is a decent plot, but thy make more sense as a linear story rather than one in which one makes choices.

In "About Lori-Beth", good ol' Pat Smith sits down to enjoy some quality video porn when he hears a knock at the door. The first option in the story is whether to open the door or not. Now, there's only really one choice here. If you don't open the door, the story doesn't happen. And if a contributing author wanted to lead off from this point, they really couldn't, since the female character hasn't been introduced yet. It might work better to actually skip this option entirely and just bring Lori-Beth into the story, then have choices like: Do you go out? Do you stay in and watch the porn movie? Make use of the hot tub in the back yard? This would allow for greater variety in what happens next and how the seduction proceeds.

"An Evening with Ashley" is hampered in part by the fact that CHYOO insists all characters must be eighteen, and it's just not believable that an 18-year-old would have a babysitter. But that aside, it shares some of the same problems as "Lori-Beth" in that there is limited plot potential.

The two stories, I feel, are very similar in tone and there really doesn't seem to be a reason for both of them to exist. Both deal with the reader seducing a girl who he's lusted after, but he's never been in a position to make a move. Both happen at home with nobody else around. Both are one-on-one straight m/f sex tales. The only significant difference is that one girl is older than the reader and one is younger. The two could easily have been combined into one story, with the initial option leading either to Ashley or Lori-Beth, which still leaves two more options for other girls.

Not every story must be a wild and crazy situation, or an eight-person orgy in a college dorm, or have a genie which grants you magical sex powers. There is certainly a place for tales like these where you just plain fuck. But as written, they don't give a contributor much room to stretch the imagination, and so I don't think they will get a lot of submissions.