I'd love to get some feedback on my first erotic story

[crysede]

I held off posting here until my story got a few votes, but now that it has (and they weren't ones - relieved sigh) I think I'm feeling brave enough to officially ask for feedback (gulp).

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=35104

 

[karmadog]

This is a nice start, but this story cries out for a proof reading. Some examples:
"taking the heat" This phrase feels anachronistic in the context of this story.

"perspective buyer" The word you want is "prosepective" meaning expected, likely.

"Since he procured his slaves for non-sexual purposes, mostly to use as rewards for his demon's (who were likewise unconcerned with outward appearances, requiring only that they be living), he did not waste money on obtaining attractive ones." I think this might work better like this: "... he did not waste money on beauty." Just a suggestion, though.

There are some other problems with punctuation and such, but I won't go into all of them. You might consider finding an editor. Please don't think I'm being harsh--even editors need an editor.

I would have liked a more thorough description of Khulan. Maybe in Chapter Two?

The story is more interesting than the sex, which was a bit pedestrian, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. How good would a slave driver be anyhow?

I'm looking forward to the next chapter. Let us know when it posts.

 

[crysede]

In reply to karmadog:

I really, really thought I'd caught all those @%$#* spelling and punctuation errors, that'll teach me to do final proof reading late at night - I've started going over the story with a fine toothed comb and you're right, it's riddled with them (grrr). I'll take your advice about looking for an editor too, clearly the virtue of self-sufficiency has its limits.

Regarding "take the heat:" I don't know, I kind of like the flavor it has. I think I'll keep it, at least provisionally.

Regarding the "not wasting money on buying attractive ones" sentence-from-hell: thank you, thank you, thank you - you are now my favorite person! I must have rewritten that stupid sentence more than a dozen times, and it still sounded horrible. I even considered getting rid of it entirely, but I couldn't figure out how to replace it without creating another, equally horrible, sentence. Your version is an infinite improvement: I can actually read the line without cringing now!

Your guess about the sex was right on: I wanted to make sure to keep it essentially passionless, so that there would be a real contrast between it, and what happens later, with the real love interest.

As for describing Khulan: yeah, descriptions are one of my weak points. I don't like breaking up my narrative with lists of vital statistics, but that means descriptions have to be worked into the storyline somehow - easy enough in a long tale, but a real pain in short stories! I'll try to do a more thorough job of describing her in the next chapter (when I have the time to write the next chapter - darned real life: always interfering with my fun).

Thanks for all the help, much appreciated!

 

[bearlee]

I don't generally read stories in this category, but I saw your plea so I took a look at it. Not bad, really. Sure, there are some typos, and it happens to me all the time. I have based on my fiancee where is talking about her nipples, but when I wrote it I put in "no" instead of "my" nipples. The volunteer editor program probably is good, I just wish I knew how to use it. Anything I do has to be on the site and it does make it difficult to write, print, read, correct, print, read, correct, etc.

I know this feedback is probably not exactly what you're looking for and certainly not as good as the first or indepth as the first one(your stories will not take feedback-I tried, but it comes up you will not accept annoymous feedback without letting a person even try-may explain why you haven't gotten much)

Now, time for you to get started on the next part. Best of luck to you!

 

[crysede]

Hmmm, yes that would explain the lack of feedback wouldn't it (chuckle). I've fixed that now, thanks.