I'd love to get feedback

[LadyJeanne]

I took the plunge and posted my first story, "White Collar Slut" in BDSM. I've already received some feedback (thank you!), but would love to get some more!

White Collar Slut

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

I like stories that make you keep reading, after the first paragraph. Too many expect you to droll through introductions, when you care nothing for the plot nor characters:

"Shiela was blonde, 5'6", and leggy..."

Good jumping off point, with your story. I continued readying. Very nice.

 

[Singularity]

Not My Kind of Story, I Am Afraid

I read the first page of the story and didn't feel like I wanted to continue through to the end.

Two things turned me off. Whether they affect other readers in the same way, you'll have to judge by the rest of the feedback you get.

First, the "I/you" style of writing in second person is a style that many readers find hard to read. A significant number of readers will back-click simply for that reason. First person is fine, for a personal vignette or story, but you are probably better off referring to your partner as "he" or by name.

Secondly, I couldn't really relate to the humiliation part of the story. I know that was your intent, and the main focus of the relationship, but it just wasn't for me. I write mostly BDSM but my preferences lean towards the willing submissive who gives of herself and surrenders control to a Master who respects and cherishes what she offers him.

You may find many other readers who lean in a different direction and enjoy the degrading language and the humiliating public displays, so this is strictly a personal preference item.


Sin.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Thanks, Sin. I wasn't sure about the I/you format myself, but ended up going with that because I found it hard to use the third person. I couldn't quite put myself in the mind of the dominating male, certainly not well enough to adequately describe his viewpoint.

 

[Singularity]

Using Third Person Effectively

It is OK to not take the focus of the dominant male in the story.

You can write the entire story from the woman's perspective, and tell it through her reactions and interpretations of what he is doing and saying. In a way, you are already doing that with the "I/you" since everything about him is said through her description of what he is saying or doing.

I write all my stories from the woman's point of view (the reader only gets to see and hear what she does). Describing the dom through her eyes and how she feels about being used like that can be very powerful, as long as you don't simply describe to us what she is thinking or doing.

Using dialog and action to let the reader find out what she is thinking is subtler, but usually much more satisfying for the reader than simply painting it on a billboard with big declarativec sentences for us to see.

Try popping in "he" instead of "you" and make sure you get the tenses to all line up and be consistent, and you should be fine.



Sin.

 

[MLyons]

I agree with alot of what has been said. I started reading it and was engaged right away. But I found myself starting to skim, and then I stopped reading altogether. I think it mostly had to do with the second person viewpoint, but that wasn't all of it. It also seemed a little... lifeless in a way. For me, as Singularity alluded to, it seemed rather declarative and matter of fact, and although I see that you tried, it somehow lacked that magic of FEELING it. It's hard to say why.

That said, unlike Singularity, I'm a big fan of humiliation and degredation, so you can chalk up at least one vote FOR that kind of content. Many on the forum don't seem to enjoy that kind of thing, but there are plenty of readers out there that do. On the other hand, as long as we're talking purely personal taste, I am a bit less excited by women with very large breasts.... so that might have also contributed to my bailing out.

The second person point of view CAN work, but I'm really with Singularity and would have preferred it if it was written in first or third person instead. I might have found it easier to finish in that case. As Sin said, writing in third person doesn't necessarily mean it has to be third person omniscent. It can be limited to one character's point of view in an "over the shoulder" fashion where you can see what everyone does, but you can only enter the head and see the thoughts of one character.

Again, this is my two cents. I'm no expert by any means.

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

I cast another positive vote for humiliation... then again, I don't think there's a sort of story I /haven't/ enjoyed before.

 

[sirhugs]

Thanks, Sin. I wasn't sure about the I/you format myself, but ended up going with that because I found it hard to use the third person. I couldn't quite put myself in the mind of the dominating male, certainly not well enough to adequately describe his viewpoint.

try first person/third person then.

I for example just don't speak like your Dom, but might enjoy visiting a character who does. By making it " me" my attention is distracted immediately. Typiucally, that's when I hit the 'back' arrow.

You repeat the "big" and "huge " a bit much early on. A few less references would make the image fine.

I liked her/your hunger in the paragraph beginning " Trembling...". Thought that was some of your best writing.

I would have opened with the more dialogue, better to grab the reader. I found the opening started slowly.The backstory could be moved down a bit.

I loved the part about how you felt in high school. That felt very honest. But then it got a bit long, and I craved sex before I got to it.

The degradation plays well. You have a nice ear for dialogue and it solves your tendency to overdescribe. You could reduce the number of adjectives here as well though.

" huge fuckmelons" was a bit over the top. The extended u's made me cring.

A typo " lick you finger" should be " your".

I thought the degradation extended too much into part 2. Surely you made the point, as had your Dom and variety was due? Fortunately, you step up the action, but fresher dialogue would entice me to keep reading.

Repeating "cowslut" and "cumbag" etc seemed to slow the action.

I liked the action in the para starting " I raised myself" but found the chunk of text too big visually. The net is a visual medium. I think the text would be more readable split into two paragraphs.

My interest wandered near the end of page two - once again the repetitive adjectives, I think. The ending though resumed your evocative writing style - very honest feeling, and left me wondering what hapened next. So I gave you a "5".

Please understand that I liked this story and my tips are merely quibbles, not serious flaws.