I'd like to support her first story

[Rex1960]

My baby just finished and submitted her very first story.

Please be so kind and tell her what you think. Here's the link:

Weed's first story

You might also follow the link in my sigline.

Thank you all.

Rex

 

[weed]

Thanks, baby.

I hadn't thought of doing this but since you did I'll try to respond to anyone who cares to comment on my story.

I do hope they comment here and not through anon. feedback or pms though.

I tried to give a feel for the emotions of the narrator in the story and a sense of the closeness of the characters. I do wonder if this came through or if it just seems to be a sexual escapade. I guess that would be ok, too, as long as it's enjoyed.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Your agent?

Jeez. I feel like if I criticize your story, Rex is going to hunt me down and beat me up.

---dr.M.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Very Good

I just read your first story and it is very very good. I gave it a five. Your descriptive powers and language are beautiful and it was very well done.

But (and you could hear this "but" coming, couldn't you?) I have a problems with it, and it's my problem rather than yours: I just don't find any drama in two people who love each other having sex. The sex was gorgeous. Perfect, almost. But I missed that slightly nasty edge that makes things really hot for me.

Someone once said that sex is only dirty if you do it right, and I guess that's the way I feel. I missed the symbolic struggle, the taboos broken, the discovery of new sensations, the drama. But again, that's just me. (Does anyone else feel like this?)

One thing that might have given it that nasty edge would have been doing it in third person, which would have given it a little voyeuristic thrill. But that's another peculiarity of mine: I happen to find third person usually sexier than first person.

But don't let me discourage you in the slightest. You write like a dream, your detail is mouth-watering, and the sex they had was just delicious. I'm really eager to see more.

(And I'm not just saying that because of Rex

---dr.M.

 

[weed]

Re: Your agent?

Jeez. I feel like if I criticize your story, Rex is going to hunt me down and beat me up.

---dr.M.

Lol....Rex is much too much a gentleman for that.

And although I think he would let me fight my own battles I do think he would stick up for me out if someone were being downright nasty.

 

[weed]

Re: Very Good

I just read your first story and it is very very good. I gave it a five. Your descriptive powers and language are beautiful and it was very well done.

But (and you could hear this "but" coming, couldn't you?) I have a problems with it, and it's my problem rather than yours: I just don't find any drama in two people who love each other having sex. The sex was gorgeous. Perfect, almost. But I missed that slightly nasty edge that makes things really hot for me.

Someone once said that sex is only dirty if you do it right, and I guess that's the way I feel. I missed the symbolic struggle, the taboos broken, the discovery of new sensations, the drama. But again, that's just me. (Does anyone else feel like this?)

One thing that might have given it that nasty edge would have been doing it in third person, which would have given it a little voyeuristic thrill. But that's another peculiarity of mine: I happen to find third person usually sexier than first person.

But don't let me discourage you in the slightest. You write like a dream, your detail is mouth-watering, and the sex they had was just delicious. I'm really eager to see more.

(And I'm not just saying that because of Rex

---dr.M.

ty for your comments. I agree nasty is nice and broken taboos can be exciting although I would still like the emotional side to be part of it.

Perhaps that would be a good challenge for my next tale....after all there are many emotions that go along with love and I personally don't think making love has to be all nice and fluffy.

The first person was actually challenging. I kept reverting to third person and had to go back and edit. Next time I'll probably stick with third. Depends on the theme. The omniscient narrator can certainly have insight into the feelings of the characters as well as the first person. Perhaps better.

 

[PaulX35]

Another impression,

Weed,

Thanks for posting this, I truly enjoyed your delicate erotic touch in this beautiful piece of writing. Contrary to the Dr., I didn't find myself wishing for anything dirty at all. I think I can fairly easily have myself drawn into atmospheres, and you made it so easy for me on this story

There's a delicate gentleness in your submitting. Not the hard, shackles-n-whips way, but subtly confident with the realization that you belong to someone, and have no trouble making that a sexual issue every time the other would desire that.

There was an earlier thread here - by zaudika, I think - discussing soft-BDSM, and I took a similar position there: that the subtleties of BDSM are well worth writing about.

I think your story was a most sensuous illustration of exactly that.

Paul

 

[weed]

Re: Another impression,

Weed,

Thanks for posting this, I truly enjoyed your delicate erotic touch in this beautiful piece of writing. Contrary to the Dr., I didn't find myself wishing for anything dirty at all. I think I can fairly easily have myself drawn into atmospheres, and you made it so easy for me on this story

There's a delicate gentleness in your submitting. Not the hard, shackles-n-whips way, but subtly confident with the realization that you belong to someone, and have no trouble making that a sexual issue every time the other would desire that.

There was an earlier thread here - by zaudika, I think - discussing soft-BDSM, and I took a similar position there: that the subtleties of BDSM are well worth writing about.

I think your story was a most sensuous illustration of exactly that.

Paul

Wow, I hadn't thought of it as soft bdsm but I guess there is that element to it. I definately wanted the man to be the one in control even though she was the instigator.

Now I have an idea forming that I think both of you would like. Rex, too.

Uh oh, this could be a new addiction.

Thanks for your thoughtful insight, Paul.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Wait Weed Wait!!

Whatever I sai about your story, I don't want you to think I didn't care for the emotional side. I happen to be huge on the emotional/mental part of love-making. In fact, my working theory is that one should only describe those actions and gestures in sex that say something about the characters' mental/emotional states. Without the human side, sex is just two pieces of meat grinding away together.

No, the subjective side and the way you expressed in action was one of the things that excited me most. And don't think it doen't excite me. I'm just a born complainer.

---dr.M.

 

[weed]

Re: Wait Weed Wait!!

Whatever I sai about your story, I don't want you to think I didn't care for the emotional side. I happen to be huge on the emotional/mental part of love-making. In fact, my working theory is that one should only describe those actions and gestures in sex that say something about the characters' mental/emotional states. Without the human side, sex is just two pieces of meat grinding away together.

No, the subjective side and the way you expressed in action was one of the things that excited me most. And don't think it doen't excite me. I'm just a born complainer.

---dr.M.

Not to worry, I took it as constructive criticism to add nastiness...not take away emotion.

I appreciate it. It's giving me more ideas.

 

[Rex1960]

Re: Your agent?

Jeez. I feel like if I criticize your story, Rex is going to hunt me down and beat me up.

---dr.M.

moi ?
makes no sense on the internet, don't you think ?
I've never tried to kick my puter or knock out my screen, even throwing the mouse against the wall won't help...

Honestly, I just wanted to promote the story and encourage you guys to respond. Since I know weed by now, I also know she appreciates any kind of critics in order to increase her writing skills.

So there's really no prob at all for me.

Rex

 

[Rex1960]

Re: Re: Your agent?

Lol....Rex is much too much a gentleman for that.

And although I think he would let me fight my own battles I do think he would stick up for me out if someone were being downright nasty.

Lol - Hanns tried it once...

 

[weed]

Re: Re: Re: Your agent?

Lol - Hanns tried it once...

That's right, he did, didn't he?

 

[Rex1960]

... and I only PMed him one warning

 

[weed]

... and I only PMed him one warning

Wonder what else I don't know about.

 

[Vassagos_babydoll]

Weed,

Sorry for sending my feedback via pm. I had only read as far as Rex's post, hit the link and read. Grins...guess next time, I might look a bit farther before rushing in. Anyhow, like I said in my feedback...it left me feeling all warm and fuzzy. So yes, the emotional aspect definitely came through. Very nice story, will be looking for more.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Smiley face?

Just kidding, Rex. I was just kidding. I do it all the time. I guess I should use more smiley faces.

But then, if you're not her agent, does that mean the position is open? You know, anyone who has an erotic imagination like that...

Wait. I'd better add some smiley faces!

---dr.M.

 

[weed]

Weed,

Sorry for sending my feedback via pm. I had only read as far as Rex's post, hit the link and read. Grins...guess next time, I might look a bit farther before rushing in. Anyhow, like I said in my feedback...it left me feeling all warm and fuzzy. So yes, the emotional aspect definitely came through. Very nice story, will be looking for more.

TY for your comments here. And welcome. Maybe you'll post to more threads.

...and though pm wouldn't have been the end of the world I never got yours.

 

[weed]

Re: Smiley face?

Just kidding, Rex. I was just kidding. I do it all the time. I guess I should use more smiley faces.

But then, if you're not her agent, does that mean the position is open? You know, anyone who has an erotic imagination like that...

Wait. I'd better add some smiley faces!

---dr.M.

lol...maybe I'll look you up if the right position comes open.

 

[Eldridge]

Hi there,

My first actually written feedback, God knows I've given plenty of feedback in my mind.

I hope you won't find it presumptuous to get feedback from someone who still has to submit his first story...

(I'm working on it, I'm working on it!)

Your story starts off well, we get a good sense of what you (or your character) is thinking and feeling, and you found a good way to describe yourself without going into the "I'm 5 foot 6, 103 lbs, 36C etc." summary.

This is good.

However, for some reason, sections where sentences are never longer than four or five words at the most are a little jarring to read. It seems to me that whenever I get going I'm stopping. Then I go again, and I'm forced to stop again. It's kind of like sitting in a car with someone behind the wheel who's never driven a clutch before. If you can picture that, then you'll know what I mean.

Try to vary it a little. In the latter part of your story you construct very nice sentences, so it would be nice to see it consistent throughout the story.
Don't go overboard, and there is no problem with small sections of rapid periods, but I think at first it's a little too long.


Your paragraphing needs a little work in the middle and near the end, there are a couple of instances where I personally feel you could have broken a lengthy paragraph up a little. No biggie, obviously, but if you're striving for perfection...

Then, however, comes something which really jars. This is a truly personal opinion, not Writing Law (tm), but I think some people would agree with me.

"Sucking in first one smooth ball (he moans) and then the other."

I am reading along in your story, allowing myself to be drawn into it, and drawn into it really well, since you have a very good knack of being descriptive in what you write, so it's easy to allow one's imagination to run free.

Then I see (he moans).

This IMMEDIATELY breaks my imagination and throws me back into reality, where I am sitting behind my monitor, reading a story.

Top writers do this in their published work, and I simply cannot understand why an editor does not burn this down to the ground.

Every time you use a (blablabla) section, you are reminding your reader that he is reading a story. You draw him out from his imagination and thrust him right back into reality.

I hate this. There is ALWAYS a way you can avoid the (blabla), and just type it as if it was a normal part of the story.
In this case : "Sucking in first one smooth ball, causing him to moan, then the other."
It describes exactly the same thing, but it keeps your reader entranced in your story.

It's a personal thing, so... Do what you will with it

Finally, the use of the word "gawd".

This is IRC speak. Gawd. Kewl. Laff. etc.

Please do not use this in your story. People do not say "gawd", they say "God" (yes, with a capital).
I can live with words like 'kinda', 'sorta' and things like that, since they are used generally and people even pronounce them this way, but spelling it gawd just makes it seem as if you can't spell. Which isn't what you want, I would think.

Phew, long for my first feedback, I hope it was useful to you.
Please don't take anything negatively, it wasn't intended as such, these are all just honest criticisms. Then again, what do I know?

I wanted to give your story a 4.5, but obviously I cannot do that. Therefore I gave you a 4. To get a 5 you'd have to change some things that I mentioned above, and preferably make the story a bit longer.

Still, a very good first effort, I'll be looking forward to your next offering.

Eldridge.

 

[weed]

Hi there,

My first actually written feedback, God knows I've given plenty of feedback in my mind.

I hope you won't find it presumptuous to get feedback from someone who still has to submit his first story...

[snip]


Eldridge.

Hi, Eldridge. Thanks for the feedback. I'd like to offer you a welcome to Lit as well. It's certainly worth a good look around here.

You made some good points that I hadn't given much thought. I smiled because I know I spend a lot of time on my longer sentences but don't really pay attention to the smaller ones. Nor had I given much thought to using the parentheses but I can see what you mean about breaking the flow.

Since perfection isn't my goal I wouldn't change anything but it's nice to have these things in mind as I work on some other projects.

Good luck with yours.