I'd like some feedback for my story The Greatest Show Aboard A Ship

[fifi]

I'd like some feedback for my story The Greatest Show Aboard A Ship, the story is placed under the Celebreties folder in the story index, and the adress is here:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=80053

I forgot to notice, that it's one of my elder fics from my archive (it's nearly two years old), so don't flame me!

 

[hiddenself]

Oh oh. This was not funny. It was plain bad. Repeated awkward constructions and grammatical errors were distracting, even annoying. I understand you were trying to be funny and all, but the writing kept getting in my way of trying to follow the story.


Mrs. Brisby, and her kids Martin, Theresa, Timothy and Cynthia, was together...
Richard and his pals was also...

It should be "were" in both sentences. The verb should agree with the subject (in this case, more than one).


Max helped her up, and Theresa said 'Thanks for the help? Who are you?,' and Max said 'I'm Max! Nice to meet You, Mrs. Brisby!'

This looks oh so ugly. The rule for a dialogue is new speaker, new paragraph. Multiple occurrences throughout the story.


...as the two lovers had laid on each other, with the big balloon between them in a moment, did the two mice's take on their clothes.

"Had laid"?
To lay (transitive verb) = to put or set down
You probably mean "had lain" or "lay"
To lie (intransitive verb) = to be or to stay at rest in a horizontal position

"Mice's"?
The plural is certainly not "mice's" and it's not even "mices." Mice is the plural of mouse.

What does "take on their clothes" mean?

And why do you use the form "did... take?" I have no clue what that whole sentence means. This whole part should be taken out and shot. But unfortunately, it's not the only offender in the story.


I won't comment on the substance because I got so prejudiced by the writing that I don't think I could do justice to any good elements that may be lurking in there.

hs

PS (added in edit) I now see that English is not your first language. So, you definitely deserved more slack than I gave you. But you do need to solicit editing before you post.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

fifi,

IMHO, hiddenself, is right. I'll just add that there were also several instances where words were misused. for instance, "as her faithful (FATEFUL) voyage"

Sorry about being so negative.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[the_bragis]

Hello fifi,

I know English isn't you first language, so I have to really admire you taking the big plung like this.

Min bekendtgørelse? Finde på godhjertet redaktør på hjælp du.


Alex.

 

[PaulX35]

From a fellow non-native speaker

Fifi,

You are in need of someone who can polish up your English. I have similar problems (I'm from Holland) to get the proper nuance and write everything down correctly. There are people out here who are willing to give your writing a pre-check on grammar, I'd say. Make use of what they offer you; they're a great help.

Good luck

Paul