I wrote it and it sucks ass, but I don't know why... Why is it so bad?

[average gina]

I know the point I wanted to make. I know what I was feeling when I wrote this. Now that I've looked at it, this really bites. Is there anyone that would want to tell me what's wrong with it or rephrase this somehow? I will admit, this is the worst poem I have ever written. Here it is:

I gotta take out the garbage.
The maggots are fat like rice cakes
Squirming an uneven dance inside
No rhythm, just movement
Their beige entities churning for no real reason.

I gotta take out the garbage.
The TV screen rattling with no color
Just black and white pixels
Moving randomly seeking nothing
Just various lights moving about purposelessly.

I gotta take out the garbage.
The dust accumulates, settling on a barrier
From hitting the ground, hoping to be roused
Back up into the air to float yet again
Or to be Swiffered away.

I gotta take out the garbage.
The maggots have to be thrown out
The channeling must be changed
The dust must be cleared
From inside me.

 

[WickedEve]

It doesn't suck butt or any other body part. It's very real. I'm grossed out by maggots, so I don't like reading about them, but that doesn't make it a bad poem.

 

[twelveoone]

Well to paraphase Marschall McLuhan, ya didn't like the last song, well I got others
I gotta take out the garbage,
maggots, fat like rice cakes.
No rhythm,no real reason, just movement.
Squirming an uneven dance inside
Churning, churning, churning just for
You

I got to quit foolin around, else I'll steal it and put it to music

Poem doesn't suck, needs to be editted, I don't think you'll ever find it on a Hallmark Card

 

[thenry]

Too many gerunds. The repeated ing-ing, in addition to making the narrator sound whiny, force the use of passive constructions and too many subordinate clauses.

Also, stating the point of the poem and showing it side by side weaken each other. If the imagery works you shouldn't need the last line.

 

[Angeline]

It really doesn't suck at all Gina. I think it's pretty good--better than lots I've seen for sure. One thing I do with my poems when I edit them is to ask myself with every word--do I really need it? Remember that you don't have to stick with perfectly formed stanzas, each with the same number of lines, unless it helps the poem overall. In this case I think the construction--and some of the repetition--forces a form that isn't really helping you. The repetition of "I gotta take out the garbage" may be unnecessary--sometimes it's better to suggest than say with poems, imo.

The basic poem is very good--I think it just needs some editing to make it more subtle. Just my opinion, but I don't think you have a throwaway at all.

 

[Reltne]

It is different, but I like it.

. . . If the imagery works you shouldn't need the last line.

Humbly disagree. The last line makes the poem, but it needs to be set off from the rest of the work so that it comes as a sharp revelation that all the rest of the poem is about internal stuff.

The only word I question is "Swiffered". "Swiffer" is a brand name and not well enough known to be worthy of a verb form in a poem.

 

[twelveoone]

The channeling must be changed
interesting - what means here?

 

[Reltne]

The channeling must be changed
interesting - what means here?

Think of TV channels and then of psychic channeling. Metaphoric enriching word play. - Like mo(u)rning mist/missed.

 

[Angeline]

Think of TV channels and then of psychic channeling. Metaphoric enriching word play. - Like mo(u)rning mist/missed.

Yes, that's what I got from it--layered meaning

 

[thenry]

Humbly disagree. The last line makes the poem, but it needs to be set off from the rest of the work so that it comes as a sharp revelation that all the rest of the poem is about internal stuff.

Re-humbly disagree. That the poem is about internal stuff shouldn't be a revelation, and it definitely shouldn't be explicit. Not if the imagery is doing its job.

 

[average gina]

Taking what was said, I think I might have fixed it. I still am not comfortable with it. It doesn't feel urgent or necessary and it doesn't feel strong enough... Is it just me? (And I get the feeling that the last line is weakening, so I may take it off.)


I gotta take out the garbage.

The maggots are fat like rice cakes.
They squirm an uneven dance within
Having no rhythm, just movement.
Their bodies wander.

The TV channels crackle.
Gray pixels blind all color
Move randomly, aimless.
Various lights roam with no purpose.

Dust accumulates within
Avoiding the ground, with hopes to be roused
Into the air to float yet again
Or to be swiped away.

The maggots have to be thrown out.
The channels must be changed.
The dust must be cleared.
To cleanse what is inside.

I gotta take out the garbage.

 

[Angeline]

Re-humbly disagree. That the poem is about internal stuff shouldn't be a revelation, and it definitely shouldn't be explicit. Not if the imagery is doing its job.

Sometimes explicit is fine. It all depends on the poem and the style the writer uses, imo. The issue, to me, is not explicit or metaphoric, but whether the writing works in the context of the particular poem. Senna Jawa's poetry is a good example of this. He can be metaphoric, but his writing can also be powerfully explicit in the sense of real.

 

[Angeline]

Taking what was said, I think I might have fixed it. I still am not comfortable with it. It doesn't feel urgent or necessary and it doesn't feel strong enough... Is it just me? (And I get the feeling that the last line is weakening, so I may take it off.)


I gotta take out the garbage.

The maggots are fat like rice cakes.
They squirm an uneven dance within
Having no rhythm, just movement.
Their bodies wander.

The TV channels crackle.
Gray pixels blind all color
Move randomly, aimless.
Various lights roam with no purpose.

Dust accumulates within
Avoiding the ground, with hopes to be roused
Into the air to float yet again
Or to be swiped away.

The maggots have to be thrown out.
The channels must be changed.
The dust must be cleared.
To cleanse what is inside.

I gotta take out the garbage.

I think it's definitely improving--I like what you've done. This may just be my style, but why cap the first letter of every line? I know lots of writers do it, but to me it works against the natural flow of the language.

I do like the way you've pared it down though. It's tighter, leaner now.

Here are some line by line suggestions that you might like:

I gotta take out the garbage.

The maggots are fat like rice cakes.
They squirm an uneven dance,
having no rhythm, just movement.
Their bodies wander.

The TV crackles. Gray pixels blind
all color, move randomly, aimless.
Lights roam without purpose.

Dust accumulates within,
avoiding the ground. Dust hopes
to be roused into the air to float
yet again or be swiped away.

The maggots must be thrown out.
The channels must be changed.
The dust must be cleared
to cleanse what is inside.

That's the way I might do it. I'd pull out a bit more language, reformat and change around the punctuation or capitalization to give the lines a more natural flow. And yes, lose the last line. There are places in the poem where I think the repetition is working for you, but "to cleanse what is inside" is a powerful line and metaphoric. I think stopping there makes for a stronger ending and poem.

Just my opinion. Hope it helps; if not, no worries.


Ange

 

[thenry]

Originally posted by Angeline
It all depends on the poem … .

And that's the unarguable last word on all discussions poetic.

 

[Angeline]

And that's the unarguable last word on all discussions poetic.

 

[annaswirls]

Careful with your thread titles, I am only now just reading this poem because I was not in the mood for suck ass poetry... and this is not. It is good. It is real. Just go through and pull what you do not think works. Ask yourself what am I trying to say, and go from there. You have what it takes to make this be what you want it to be-- your first revision was an improvement.


keep writing girl, and don't bad mouth or bad ass your poetry--

~anna

 

[IvorySeduction]

I'm sure the general consensus here is that it doesn't suck-- so I won't reiterate that. It's rare to find someone with a style such as yourself.