THere are actually two stories, I hope you enjoy them, here are the links
Please reply
The soccer field
Kims sick day
Please reply
The soccer field
Kims sick day
I would really like a females perspective on my story
- Thread starter jmt7968
- Start date
madamefifi
Virgin
- Joined
- Apr 29, 2003
- Posts
- 3
Really nice -especially liked the sick day.
Only one tiny criticism - you could use more punctuation to make it easier to read
Good Job!
Only one tiny criticism - you could use more punctuation to make it easier to read
Good Job!
Graymouse
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2000
- Posts
- 129
You know, I tried to read "Kim's Sick Day" just now. The premise is fine, but I have to tell you that I couldn't do it--the grammar and punctuation mistakes were just too distracting. You said this was written a while ago (and no one is perfect, God knows) but my female prespective--for whatever that's worth 
--is that you should, in the future, brush up on your grammar and punctuation and find yourself a good volunteer editor prior to submitting. The story itself may be very good, but remember that you've got to sell the whole package. Good luck.
--is that you should, in the future, brush up on your grammar and punctuation and find yourself a good volunteer editor prior to submitting. The story itself may be very good, but remember that you've got to sell the whole package. Good luck.
G
Guest
Guest
The premise is fine, your descriptions are good, but I have to agree with Chicklet and Graymouse - editing is a must!
Punctuation isn't just a nice touch, but necessary to be able to read the story (earlier in the story you use Ill - but you want I'll, not that she is ill - there is a big difference to the reader).
I question the use of subtitles for the sections - The Shower - What to Wear - your writing should be enough to tell the reader where the story is going (if it isn't - there are problems).
Your sentences are quite long and tend to run on a bit. It certainly wouldn't hurt to break them up - it is easy to do and far more interesting to read.
As the water began to warm up Kim dropped her robe to the floor, and stepped out of it and onto the scale, it read out 139 pounds, just the right weight for her height of 5'6 not Barbie doll shape, but just the right weight for the cute little girl next door look.
EXAMPLE
Waiting for the water to warm up Kim stretched her arms way up high and then relaxed them, allowing her robe to slip off onto the floor. Naked, she stepped onto her bathroom scales and grimaced slightly at the read of 139 pounds.
That was the ideal weight for her frame, but as she turned slightly to examine her round ass reflected in the door mirror she sighed.
Why can't I be model slender? she mused. Why do I still have the little girl next door look?
and later on -
Kim walked upstairs and went into her closet, she was feeling much better now but she always did have a crush on her doctor so she was going to go anyway. She picked out a silk, navy blue g-string and slid it on. "This is always good for a tease." She thought to herself. Then she reached up and grabbed her favorite push-up bra and strapped it on making her good size breasts look even bigger. As she stood there in her closet in her bra and panties she thought "Now what should I wear?
EXAMPLE
Kim walked upstairs and into her closet. Although she was feeling much better, she decided to keep her afternoon appointment. Honestly, she thought with a flirty grin, is it MY fault I have a serious crush on my physician?
Selecting a navy blue thong she slid it up, cooing at the feel of the silk on soft skin. This is always good for a tease, she thought, wriggling to fit the panties between her full cheeks.
Next she found a matching bra, padded cups guaranteed to make her generous breasts look even bigger.
She stood for a moment, running her hands from her tits to her hips, enjoying the naughty sensations.
She murmured aloud, "Now, what does one wear to seduce a doctor?"
There are so many different ways you can write this. In my humble opinion, breaking up the sentences and paragraphs, drawing out the scenes, the actions, and the feelings of the characters will give you a more solid piece of work.
It's a fun read and you have terrific ideas.
Good luck!
Punctuation isn't just a nice touch, but necessary to be able to read the story (earlier in the story you use Ill - but you want I'll, not that she is ill - there is a big difference to the reader).
I question the use of subtitles for the sections - The Shower - What to Wear - your writing should be enough to tell the reader where the story is going (if it isn't - there are problems).
Your sentences are quite long and tend to run on a bit. It certainly wouldn't hurt to break them up - it is easy to do and far more interesting to read.
As the water began to warm up Kim dropped her robe to the floor, and stepped out of it and onto the scale, it read out 139 pounds, just the right weight for her height of 5'6 not Barbie doll shape, but just the right weight for the cute little girl next door look.
EXAMPLE
Waiting for the water to warm up Kim stretched her arms way up high and then relaxed them, allowing her robe to slip off onto the floor. Naked, she stepped onto her bathroom scales and grimaced slightly at the read of 139 pounds.
That was the ideal weight for her frame, but as she turned slightly to examine her round ass reflected in the door mirror she sighed.
Why can't I be model slender? she mused. Why do I still have the little girl next door look?
and later on -
Kim walked upstairs and went into her closet, she was feeling much better now but she always did have a crush on her doctor so she was going to go anyway. She picked out a silk, navy blue g-string and slid it on. "This is always good for a tease." She thought to herself. Then she reached up and grabbed her favorite push-up bra and strapped it on making her good size breasts look even bigger. As she stood there in her closet in her bra and panties she thought "Now what should I wear?
EXAMPLE
Kim walked upstairs and into her closet. Although she was feeling much better, she decided to keep her afternoon appointment. Honestly, she thought with a flirty grin, is it MY fault I have a serious crush on my physician?
Selecting a navy blue thong she slid it up, cooing at the feel of the silk on soft skin. This is always good for a tease, she thought, wriggling to fit the panties between her full cheeks.
Next she found a matching bra, padded cups guaranteed to make her generous breasts look even bigger.
She stood for a moment, running her hands from her tits to her hips, enjoying the naughty sensations.
She murmured aloud, "Now, what does one wear to seduce a doctor?"
There are so many different ways you can write this. In my humble opinion, breaking up the sentences and paragraphs, drawing out the scenes, the actions, and the feelings of the characters will give you a more solid piece of work.
It's a fun read and you have terrific ideas.
Good luck!
Victoria_2001_02769
I'm done.
- Joined
- May 8, 2003
- Posts
- 15,239
The Soccer Field
It was a good story - and I enjoyed it. There is only one small
recommendation I'd make; and that is to try and concentrate
on better punctuation.
It was a good story - and I enjoyed it. There is only one small
recommendation I'd make; and that is to try and concentrate
on better punctuation.
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