I would love to have some constructive feedback on this story

chinacatKS

Really Experienced
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Jul 13, 2004
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100
Master Learns A Lesson
By chinacatKS





Feeling the need thundering through my veins..prickles of heat on the surface of my skin, a primal need foremost in my awareness. I can't help but approach you, the need to staunch my yearnings controlling my every thought and action. Feeling the ache throbbing in the chalice of my hips , the perfect fit for you. The lust of a predator gleaming in the depth of my crystal green eyes. A feral smile begins to curve up the corners of my moist lips. My eyes mesmerize you as you stand paralyzed and helpless against my seduction of your senses. Moving even closer my hips swaying gently and my breasts moving with each step, I lock my eyes with yours communicating my need. My arm reaches out to you and my finger lightly caresses your cheek as I study you, feeling and seeing your arousal and your excitement mounting higher. My scent fills your mind, the elusive smell of arousal and flowers and my skin glows.

"Now you have become the slave and I the master of your need, and yet my need still proves I am a slave to your will....nothing has changed, as you knew it would not, as I hoped it would not. You have taught me well and molded me into what I have become. I cannot even walk out into the light of day without the warmth of the sun reminding me of your skin over mine or the breeze caressing my skin reminding me of your touch and turning my passion into liquid heat. My body feels hollow without you inside of it, aching with an unceasing pain. Aching with my misery and wild eyed in my loss I have relentlessly tracked you down. You never could have gotten far. Did you think that I would just wither without you and come crawling back begging for what only you can give me? I am not begging now, I am demanding , and you will give it freely. In your arrogance you forget that even a master is a slave to his needs. As you have molded me so too have I molded you. I have dreamed of this for a long time. I hope that I don't disappoint you".

I smile wickedly at you. "Are the ropes too tight, my darling master? I tried to get them as tight as i could. I hope your arm and leg muscles are not too sore from being stretched out so far. I wanted to do this as securely for you as you have done for me." studying my handy work, noticing the tendons in your arms stretched tight and your wrists wrapped in silk rope and pulled through two loops at the top of the two columns you stand between. Your legs are spread wide apart and your rope wrapped ankles secured to two more rings embedded in the cool marble floor. "Are you nervous?" A knowing smile on my face. "Don't worry darling master, you will like it once we get started."

Walking over to the silk curtained bed i pick up an object and bring it back over to where you are securely held captive. Seeing you break out in a sweat but still your pride keeping you from asking what I plan to do, you stare at me eys wide,waiting. I soothingly say, "it is just a little powdered ginger root and enough water to make it adhere to your skin. Now dear master, I don't want to hear anything form you, not a sound. I will be forced to use a gag on you if you do make even one little sound." Laughing softly at your shocked expression, I put a finger to my lips, "SSSHHHHH". "No sounds out of you now, just relax and enjoy." I take a wooden spoon and stir the contents of the bowl and check to be sure it is not too diluted with water, then take the spoon and drip some of the substance onto he sensitive skin of your nipples and smile. "Now that isn't too bad is it"? Watching as your chest muscles twitch, the heat of the ginger beginning to sting your your skin, your hardening cock twitching , I smile into your eyes once again.

"I forgot something didn't I?" As you shake your head back and forth in denial of what I plan to do, I say "Now that is not acceptable." I walk over to the bed once again and bring back a high, thick leather collar. "a good slave never says no physically or verbally and if they do they get punished, this being your first time we will just try this on for size." I reach up and snap the restraining collar onto your neck and give you a gentle kiss on the forehead.
 
There were a number of things here that worked for me. I like the idea of the role reversal and I enjoyed the philosophical contemplation of the need/need relationship that underlies the master/slave construct. The images are clear and I get a good sence of the location, objects, and actions. I had no problem with there being little description of the main participants; I felt like I knew all I needed to on the physical end.

Now, for the things that didn't work so well for me. First, I'm not a fan of being stuck in the 2nd person - "you see this" etc. - because it makes it harder to suspend disbelief. This is especially true here, where I don't even know what gender I am meant to be (wait, let me check ...) and where I am told that I am arrogant, which frankly rather annoys me. But that's down to a personal feeling about second person, so I admit total bias there.

The sentence fragments became distracting. This is especially true of the unattached verb-based modifying phrases ("Feeling the ache throbbing in the chalice of my hips , the perfect fit for you," "Feeling the need thundering through my veins..prickles of heat on the surface of my skin, a primal need foremost in my awareness.") I know that fragments can be used deliberately, but in this case personally, I did not feel that they achieved a significant enough purpose to justify the annoyance factor of expecting a sentence and not finding one.

This is a bit more "Tell-y" than is 100% working for me. I don't have any real deep sense of background, motive, or history for these characters - just enough to know that one has been master and the other slave, and that the tables are now turned. I don't know what kind of master (good, bad, kind, cruel, etc.) or slave, or whether this was willing or unwilling, or why this reversal was chosen. I start in media res, which can be good, but I never get any loose ends wrapped up and the story seems to end abruptly. Basically what I am saying here is that I am seeing good description and interesting visuals, but I lack a sense of a "story" in the meaning of "a plot that takes me from one point to another and tells me what is going on." Because of this, I am a little baffled at the end and wondering why I started where I started and ended where I ended.

But that's just my two cents :) We all know I am incapable of writing anything nearly this short, so perhaps I am just looking for my own dense thickets of verbiage, where I feel at home ;)

Shanglan
 
BlackShanglan

This is actually just a fragment of a story. I have started to wirte a beginning for this but am having trouble getting it to flow ....so I have not released it for veiwing yet. This sotry does cut off abruptly. I have every intention of furthering the story at a later date. so yes, you are right it is not a complete story. So the background and beginning were not shown, and the completetion of this segment has not been finished. But yes, it does have a "plot" and it does have a detailed point, I hope to submit them soon. Thank you so much for your feedback.
 
more feedback?

I have recieved some wonderful feedback so far...anyone else like to donate some words of wisdom?
 
Agree

I agree about the reader as "you."

Generally it does ot work and this one does not.
 
feedback

I just wanted to thank the people who have been wonderful enough to leave me some feedback so far....
 
Yeah, the second person thing is really hard to take. As BS said, it took me a while to figure out your sex and “mine”. I guess the “chalice of [your] hips” and your swaying breasts show that you’re a woman, but still...

The real problem in this fragment for me, though, is your tendency to write in over-the-top prose. I know that this is supposed to be a “gothic” piece and the prose is intentionally purple, but the dnager in this kind of thing is that you risk getting so wrapped up in the gothic mood that you start writing in cliché and extremes of language that strike the reader as bizarre or very imprecise, or even completely unrealistic. So, despite all the purple prose in paragraph one, I still don’t have a clear idea of what’s going on, and I don’t detetct any honest emotion I can identify with. It’s like a charicature of a gothic BDSM story. The crystal green eyes, mesmering gaze, seductive smile, that’s all cliché. I want to know just what you look like and where we are and what’s really happening.

I also thought that speech she gives was just too much to be believed. I gave up any hope of realism in the piece right there, because this is just not how a human being talks unless they’re reading from a script. This is style running away with a story and taking control of it.

Of course, my bias is showing. I personally would rather see an author struggling to express some honest feelings and emotions than writing what they think their idea of an erotic story should be. Lit has tons of Lady Fairchildes bound in Lord Ravenswing’s dungeon with candles guttering on the wall as the whip snaps over her heaving breasts, but that’s all cliche. I’m much more interested in what a sub is really thinking and feeling when she ties up her Dom and prepares to play with him. Is she excited? Is she scareed? Is she longing for revenge? I imagine it would be a little of all of these, and I’d be very interested in reading a story where these feelinsg are honestly conveyed.

This is my point of view only, of course. As I said, I’m very likely to back-click on a gothic set-piece like this, so take my comments with a good dose of salt.

---dr.M.
 
*blink blink*

Purple?

Help! Someone educate me, please. ;) When is writing purple? Is it ever chartruese?

G
 
GingerV said:
*blink blink*

Purple?

Help! Someone educate me, please. ;) When is writing purple? Is it ever chartruese?

G

Purple prose is overly juicy, descriptive and breathlessly dramatic wiriting:

Her swelling breasts heaved voluptuously in the moonlight as Lord Ravenscroft ripped the bodice of her flimsly shift. Passion's fire glinted from her emerald eyes as she opened her ruby lips and moaned, "Take me! Take me now! Make me the woman I'd always longed to be!"

That kind of thing.
 
Must agree with the above...

I don't really care for the 2nd person voice. I also thought it was too much telling vs. showing, which I think is a problem with 2nd person POVs.

However, as said above, the role reversal was intriguing. I would have liked to know how they got there though.
 
thank you

I want to thank you for the honest feedback...it is very much appreciated.
 
Hanging my head ...

Damn, Dr. M., you shame me. How did I miss my favorite topic, the cliche? ;)

Anyone can write S&M in a dungeon. Give me the author who can do it in a pantry ;)

Shanglan
 
Right....so we're looking for S&M in a pantry featuring a long dialogue about 19th century French pottery?

I'm sensing a challenge coming on ;)

G
 
sigh

well, due to mandatory overtime I have been unable to give this the attention that I wanted to...hopefully I will get to it soon
 
yawn

I don't want to go to work....I want to go back to bed and dream some more...but ...here I go anyway .
 
another day

I always moan and complain aobut having to get up and start my day....mornings are a rude "awakening" first the darn alarm goes off and scares you out of your skin...then you have to get out of your warm cozy bed and face the reality of a new day...then you have to get dressed and drive to the place where you spend most of your time, work. so tell me, what about mornings is good?
 
another day

oh well....despite that I know I would get no where if I didn't have mornings.....so here is another of my favorit e Grateful Dead songs to get me going..

"Here comes Sunshine.."
 
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