I would love to get some more feedback

[MemphisRhodes]

I would appreciate feed back on my story Summers’s Love. It’s fairly mild but its my first time trying to get into my comfort zone. It’s about a 30 minute read and a slow burn. It doesn’t get right into the action. So it may not be for everyone. Thanks!

 

[AlinaX]

Summer's Love

 

[MemphisRhodes]

Summer's Love

Sorry I should have attached the link. I wasn’t thinking.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Congratulations on your first story. It's quite a nice, realistic look at a plausible first time. There's a lot to enjoy in it. These are the things that I personally noticed about it.

1) You start by saying 'I was excited for today', but then you go into a good six paragraphs of description of Summer and things that happened with her on other days. Everything from her schooling history to the firmness of her tits - by the time we circle back to 'I' getting out of bed we've kind of lost some of that excitement.

2) Some of the information isn't terribly relevant to the start of the story - the fact that she's homeschooled for example or her interest in microbiology or that she's going to be studying abroad. For the start of the story all we really need to know is that she's just returned from a trip and we've passed the all important 18th birthday line for them both - all the other stuff can wait until later.

3) There's a lot of talking in this. The talking is often funny, often sweet and often realistic for two young people making love for the first time, but there's also too much of it. Part of the set-up of the story is that he's desperate to do it and things keep getting in the way, which is fine, but once we've gone through that...the talking kind of still continues. For example on the fourth page, where the sex actually happens, every single paragraph except for two are dialogue paragraphs. (one three sentence cum-shot paragraph and the final 'get dressed' paragraph are the exceptions). Communication is good, but sometimes it overwhelms the chance for more sensation-based (or should I say sensual) writing.

4) You seem to have a minor but repeating problem with capital letters in the middle of sentences. I saw this at least three times.

5) This isn't Incest/Taboo so there's no need to make the scene of walking in on the parents making out titlating, but given that its just played for embarrassment, it could be argued that its not terribly relevant and is just a bit of extra padding. We've already gotten the 'sex is delayed' plot point.

 

[MemphisRhodes]

Congratulations on your first story. It's quite a nice, realistic look at a plausible first time. There's a lot to enjoy in it. These are the things that I personally noticed about it.

1) You start by saying 'I was excited for today', but then you go into a good six paragraphs of description of Summer and things that happened with her on other days. Everything from her schooling history to the firmness of her tits - by the time we circle back to 'I' getting out of bed we've kind of lost some of that excitement.

2) Some of the information isn't terribly relevant to the start of the story - the fact that she's homeschooled for example or her interest in microbiology or that she's going to be studying abroad. For the start of the story all we really need to know is that she's just returned from a trip and we've passed the all important 18th birthday line for them both - all the other stuff can wait until later.

3) There's a lot of talking in this. The talking is often funny, often sweet and often realistic for two young people making love for the first time, but there's also too much of it. Part of the set-up of the story is that he's desperate to do it and things keep getting in the way, which is fine, but once we've gone through that...the talking kind of still continues. For example on the fourth page, where the sex actually happens, every single paragraph except for two are dialogue paragraphs. (one three sentence cum-shot paragraph and the final 'get dressed' paragraph are the exceptions). Communication is good, but sometimes it overwhelms the chance for more sensation-based (or should I say sensual) writing.

4) You seem to have a minor but repeating problem with capital letters in the middle of sentences. I saw this at least three times.

5) This isn't Incest/Taboo so there's no need to make the scene of walking in on the parents making out titlating, but given that its just played for embarrassment, it could be argued that its not terribly relevant and is just a bit of extra padding. We've already gotten the 'sex is delayed' plot point.

Thank you for the feedback I appreciate it. The random capital letters I believe happened as a formatting issue when I copied the text to the site. It is not like that in the original copy. But I will watch out for it in the future. Thank you the constructive criticism on the rest this will all be things I keep in mind.

 

[AlinaX]

I know you make the characters over 18, but I kept feeling like I was reading about two younger kids. That and it was taking forever to get anywhere, and I gave up on the second page, sorry.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I'll support RedChamber's observation on all of the unnecessary background content - commonly known as info-dumps around here.

Lots of new writers do this, as if they think background information up front (does that even make sense?) is important, when it's usually not. It leaves the reader thinking, do I need to remember any of this stuff? It gets in the way of the story actually getting going - I for one, went early.

It's fine for you the author to know all that stuff, but only dole it out to the reader when (if) it becomes relevant. It's a story, not a resume.

Also, you've got very long paragraphs - use more white space, and consider all those folk who read stories on small screens. It's the dreaded wall of text.

I noticed the odd capitalisation too, and some of your dialogue punctuation wobbles a bit. Tighten up on this technical stuff early, and it will quickly pay off, become second nature.