50something2
Virgin
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2004
- Posts
- 7
I would love to get some more feedback on my stories. The are in the mature section. Author is 50something2.
Come guys! ( and gals!)
Come guys! ( and gals!)
I would love somefeedback
- Thread starter 50something2
- Start date
Hotcappucino
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 5, 2003
- Posts
- 655
Hotcappucino
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 5, 2003
- Posts
- 655
I almost read the stories out of order, not knowing that "Two Fifty-Somethings" was related to, and came before, the "Fifty-Somethings in Vegas" stories. I've split up my comments for each story.
I hope you don't mind, but my comments are fairly extensive. I don't know if you're looking for something brief like "It's a good story/it's a bad story" or if you're looking for feedback that might improve your writing; I tend to give feedback geared more for the latter, because that's what I look for when someone gives me feedback on my story. Please keep in mind that I am certainly not an expert when it comes to writing, and my opinions are just that -- opinions.
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"Two Fifty-Somethings"
I liked the general plot/story line. Everything seemed to flow along in a nice logical sequence. Kind of a nit-picky point, but when they get on the elevator, Linda presses '8' yet her room number is 3809. Every hotel I've ever been in has the floor as the first number of the room, if only to make it easier for their guests to remember what floor they're on. So it would make more sense for Linda to press '3' (or '38' if it's a really high hotel). Or you could change the room number to 809.
Punctuation is not bad, but not perfect. There were some misplaced, extraneous and missing commas; missing quotation marks; and incorrect use of ellipses.
Grammar is likewise okay, though not perfect. There were a few misspellings and the phrasing is a little stilted in places but understandable.
The erotic scenes are good, very hot, in fact. But there was one very abrupt transition during the scene in which Bill was screwing Linda from behind. First, we read that Linda is sucking on Jean's breast. Then suddenly, it shifts to Jean sucking on Linda's breast, even though Jean is sitting/half reclining on the bed and Linda, I think, is kneeling on the floor (the details in the story are a little sketchy as far as their exact body positions).
Since this is in the Mature category, I'd like to see some more descriptions that are relevant to older people. For example, pubic hair turns gray, too (I'm starting to get a few down there myself at the young age of 45). In fact, other than knowing that Bill is tall, thin & starting to bald, and Linda is a brunette and Jean is graying, we don't know anything else about their physical characteristics except the women's bust size. If you removed the few references to their age, you couldn't tell that these were older individuals. Bill, to me, acts like a kid in many respects instead of an older individual.
Speaking of bust size, stating actual measurements/cup size probably isn't necessary; large, medium, small, flat, bigger than average, etc. is, in my opinion, more than enough.
My primary suggestion, though, would be to work on character development. I don't get a good sense of who they are or what they're like. I can see what they're saying and what they are doing, but I'd like to see more as far as what they're thinking & feeling. And this suggestion goes for all three stories and not just this one.
One page that's really helped me with character development, and you might want to take a look since these characters are recurring in your three stories (and possibly more to come?) is this link: How To Write A Character Biography
It's a lot of extra work to create histories and personalities for your characters, but once you do it, it becomes easier to write dialog and create actions & feelings that your readers find believable, consistent and realistic. There's a lot of folks who don't think that character development is important in an erotic story, especially if the thought is that the only purpose of an erotic story is to get the reader off. But, to me, good character development adds to the richness and realism, and the more realistic the characters are, the better the eroticism plays out in the reader's mind.
Let me take Jean's character as an example. It's not until the end of the story that we find out that she's conservative ("VERY conservative," as a matter of fact) and has children. I think it would have been better to establish that earlier so the reader has a better mental image of what she's like throughout the rest of the story. Maybe during the hour or so in the bar, where Jean & Linda are having drinks, would have been a good place to write in a conversation between the two. You could use the dialog to clue the readers in on Jean's background (and Linda's, as well). Also, you could use the conversation to establish some sort of commonality between them, a kind of bond that would make it more believable that Jean would feel some sort of initial trust with Linda. Maybe they happened to grow up in the same small town before moving away, or maybe they both had a crush on Elvis growing up.
As I mentioned earlier, once you've created some background profiles for your characters, then it becomes easier to write how they would feel and react in a realistic way, especially when you begin putting them in situations outside their normal comfort zone. For example, what did Jean feel when Linda took her hand up in her hotel room? Was Jean confused, excited, repulsed? Did she think Linda might have ulterior motives or did she think it was an innocent gesture? Did she want to leave or was she perhaps intoxicated to the point where she was excited about where this gesture might lead? At this point in the story, your readers don't know yet that Jean is very conservative; they don't know anything about her at all, so it's harder for that emotional tension to be created.
And given Jean's conservative nature, I would have probably not had her drinking rum and cokes down at the bar. Maybe a mai tai, or some similar sort of fruity drink where she doesn't notice how much alcohol she's actually consumed. Then you could give us a few clues early on as to how drunk she is: maybe she gets up from the booth feeling giddy, or perhaps she loses her balance in the elevator and leans/falls back against Linda as the elevator starts to rise. Up in the hotel room, Jean does tell Bill that she thinks she's drunk, but because the alcohol is the main reason for Jean losing her sexual inhibitions, I think it would help to put in a few more references as to how seriously the alcohol is affecting her.
As far as Linda's character goes, her being a high school teacher seems to be a stretch to me. A fully stocked "mini-bar" where Linda could mix Jean a rum and coke and then provide Bill with a Heineken is beyond what a normal hotel room at the Marriott would have, at least one that a school district would pay for. And Linda's choice of drink, the way she dresses in the next story (Fifty-Somethings in Vegas Ch. 01) and the way she acts in general doesn't fit the image of a teacher (again, only in my opinion). To me, Linda would better fit the role of an upper-to-mid level businesswoman. I can see her as someone who is sophisticated and used to traveling. Upper middle class lifestyle and tastes. Older but keeps herself fit. Very active and fulfilling sex life with her husband, but maybe the two of them have talked about having a sexual encounter with another person or another couple in order to spice it up a little. Not that you should write all of the background material into your story, but as long as you have it in the back of your mind or on a separate piece of paper, then it becomes easier as you're writing to ask yourself if the character is doing or saying or feeling something that is realistic for them, and therefore realistic to your reader.
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Fifty-Somethings in Vegas Ch. 01:
In this story, you write that Linda's husband's name is Jim; in the first story (Two Fifty-Somethings), you referred to him as Jerry.
I think between where the two couples separate in the lobby and when they meet up later at Isis would have been a good time to elaborate on what was going through their minds, again adding more depth and detail to the characters. We see the preparations that Linda makes, but we don't see what she's thinking or feeling, nor what Bill & Jean are doing/thinking in the meantime. Given that we know that Jean is fairly conservative, I would have expected to see an argument between her and Bill as to why he accepted the dinner invitation, especially since she reacted so angrily at the end of the previous story. We don't see any tension between her & Bill, even though she must have been furious with him. What did Jean now think about that night in Cincinnati and how does she feel about meeting Linda later for dinner?
In fact, Jean's actions seem a little too inconsistent with her character. She's described as being "very conservative" in the first story. Perhaps the drinks that she had in that first story "opened her up" sexually, but when she became sober at the end, she returned to her conservative self, apparently very angry (at least that's the emotion I got). In this second story, we see little or no resistance to her going up to Linda & Jim's suite. Was it the wine that she drank at dinner? We read that the table has consumed two bottles over dinner, but we don't see how much Jean has drank or how it has affected her.
We also don't read about how she feels when Jim mentions that Linda has told him everything about what happened previously -- embarrassment, guilt, hurt? And given Jean's conservative nature, and that she now knows Jim knows everything, I would think she would be even less likely to go up to their suite. Is/has she gone through some sort of transformation or change in attitude? Or is it the alcohol's affect on her again? Again, we don't read what she's feeling or thinking to be able to tell.
Maybe you should think about tweaking your stories a little to have Jean undergo some sort of transformation. How's this for example: even though she's been married to Bill for thirty odd years, their sex life has always been mundane and ordinary. Oral sex? No way she's putting that dirty smelly thing in her mouth. Missionary position with the lights out is all she's done or will do. Wham bam, thank you, ma'am, roll over & go to sleep. For her, sex has become a chore that she dutifully doles out to Bill on an increasingly diminishing basis (which, of course, has become a source of frustration to him).
Then we could see Jean undergo a sexual transformation during these encounters with Linda, where she finally begins to discover her sexuality at this late stage of her life. I can imagine a scene where Linda teaches Jean how to give Bill a blowjob. And you could cut out Jean's masturbation scene in the first story and have Linda show Jean how to masturbate, both herself and Linda, in a subsequent story. And, after having experienced Linda eating her out, I could imagine Jean later wanting Linda to teach her how to return the pleasure. Just some suggestions.
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Fifty-Somethings in Vegas Ch. 02:
In the first story (Two Fifty-Somethings), Jean is 56. In this story, however, she is 54. Somehow she's lost 2 years of her age.
I don't think you need to refer to Jean as a UPS clerk here, since it doesn't really add anything to this particular story (unless the reader has a fetish for UPS employees).
To me, the dialog between Bill & Jim doesn't sound like it's coming from older men.
We find out in this story that Jean has fantasized about having sex with two men. Again, this seems inconsistent if Jean is "very conservative."
-----------
I hope my comments haven't put you off. I think you have an interesting framework in place and in my opinion there's potential to make the stories better if that's your desire. In writing my own story, certainly the hardest part was filling in all of those small details that make the story "real." I think many of us novice authors of erotica are so caught up in writing about the sex that we sometimes forget or gloss over the little details that enrich the story.
I hope you don't mind, but my comments are fairly extensive. I don't know if you're looking for something brief like "It's a good story/it's a bad story" or if you're looking for feedback that might improve your writing; I tend to give feedback geared more for the latter, because that's what I look for when someone gives me feedback on my story. Please keep in mind that I am certainly not an expert when it comes to writing, and my opinions are just that -- opinions.
-------------
"Two Fifty-Somethings"
I liked the general plot/story line. Everything seemed to flow along in a nice logical sequence. Kind of a nit-picky point, but when they get on the elevator, Linda presses '8' yet her room number is 3809. Every hotel I've ever been in has the floor as the first number of the room, if only to make it easier for their guests to remember what floor they're on. So it would make more sense for Linda to press '3' (or '38' if it's a really high hotel). Or you could change the room number to 809.
Punctuation is not bad, but not perfect. There were some misplaced, extraneous and missing commas; missing quotation marks; and incorrect use of ellipses.
Grammar is likewise okay, though not perfect. There were a few misspellings and the phrasing is a little stilted in places but understandable.
The erotic scenes are good, very hot, in fact. But there was one very abrupt transition during the scene in which Bill was screwing Linda from behind. First, we read that Linda is sucking on Jean's breast. Then suddenly, it shifts to Jean sucking on Linda's breast, even though Jean is sitting/half reclining on the bed and Linda, I think, is kneeling on the floor (the details in the story are a little sketchy as far as their exact body positions).
Since this is in the Mature category, I'd like to see some more descriptions that are relevant to older people. For example, pubic hair turns gray, too (I'm starting to get a few down there myself at the young age of 45). In fact, other than knowing that Bill is tall, thin & starting to bald, and Linda is a brunette and Jean is graying, we don't know anything else about their physical characteristics except the women's bust size. If you removed the few references to their age, you couldn't tell that these were older individuals. Bill, to me, acts like a kid in many respects instead of an older individual.
Speaking of bust size, stating actual measurements/cup size probably isn't necessary; large, medium, small, flat, bigger than average, etc. is, in my opinion, more than enough.
My primary suggestion, though, would be to work on character development. I don't get a good sense of who they are or what they're like. I can see what they're saying and what they are doing, but I'd like to see more as far as what they're thinking & feeling. And this suggestion goes for all three stories and not just this one.
One page that's really helped me with character development, and you might want to take a look since these characters are recurring in your three stories (and possibly more to come?) is this link: How To Write A Character Biography
It's a lot of extra work to create histories and personalities for your characters, but once you do it, it becomes easier to write dialog and create actions & feelings that your readers find believable, consistent and realistic. There's a lot of folks who don't think that character development is important in an erotic story, especially if the thought is that the only purpose of an erotic story is to get the reader off. But, to me, good character development adds to the richness and realism, and the more realistic the characters are, the better the eroticism plays out in the reader's mind.
Let me take Jean's character as an example. It's not until the end of the story that we find out that she's conservative ("VERY conservative," as a matter of fact) and has children. I think it would have been better to establish that earlier so the reader has a better mental image of what she's like throughout the rest of the story. Maybe during the hour or so in the bar, where Jean & Linda are having drinks, would have been a good place to write in a conversation between the two. You could use the dialog to clue the readers in on Jean's background (and Linda's, as well). Also, you could use the conversation to establish some sort of commonality between them, a kind of bond that would make it more believable that Jean would feel some sort of initial trust with Linda. Maybe they happened to grow up in the same small town before moving away, or maybe they both had a crush on Elvis growing up.
As I mentioned earlier, once you've created some background profiles for your characters, then it becomes easier to write how they would feel and react in a realistic way, especially when you begin putting them in situations outside their normal comfort zone. For example, what did Jean feel when Linda took her hand up in her hotel room? Was Jean confused, excited, repulsed? Did she think Linda might have ulterior motives or did she think it was an innocent gesture? Did she want to leave or was she perhaps intoxicated to the point where she was excited about where this gesture might lead? At this point in the story, your readers don't know yet that Jean is very conservative; they don't know anything about her at all, so it's harder for that emotional tension to be created.
And given Jean's conservative nature, I would have probably not had her drinking rum and cokes down at the bar. Maybe a mai tai, or some similar sort of fruity drink where she doesn't notice how much alcohol she's actually consumed. Then you could give us a few clues early on as to how drunk she is: maybe she gets up from the booth feeling giddy, or perhaps she loses her balance in the elevator and leans/falls back against Linda as the elevator starts to rise. Up in the hotel room, Jean does tell Bill that she thinks she's drunk, but because the alcohol is the main reason for Jean losing her sexual inhibitions, I think it would help to put in a few more references as to how seriously the alcohol is affecting her.
As far as Linda's character goes, her being a high school teacher seems to be a stretch to me. A fully stocked "mini-bar" where Linda could mix Jean a rum and coke and then provide Bill with a Heineken is beyond what a normal hotel room at the Marriott would have, at least one that a school district would pay for. And Linda's choice of drink, the way she dresses in the next story (Fifty-Somethings in Vegas Ch. 01) and the way she acts in general doesn't fit the image of a teacher (again, only in my opinion). To me, Linda would better fit the role of an upper-to-mid level businesswoman. I can see her as someone who is sophisticated and used to traveling. Upper middle class lifestyle and tastes. Older but keeps herself fit. Very active and fulfilling sex life with her husband, but maybe the two of them have talked about having a sexual encounter with another person or another couple in order to spice it up a little. Not that you should write all of the background material into your story, but as long as you have it in the back of your mind or on a separate piece of paper, then it becomes easier as you're writing to ask yourself if the character is doing or saying or feeling something that is realistic for them, and therefore realistic to your reader.
-----------
Fifty-Somethings in Vegas Ch. 01:
In this story, you write that Linda's husband's name is Jim; in the first story (Two Fifty-Somethings), you referred to him as Jerry.
I think between where the two couples separate in the lobby and when they meet up later at Isis would have been a good time to elaborate on what was going through their minds, again adding more depth and detail to the characters. We see the preparations that Linda makes, but we don't see what she's thinking or feeling, nor what Bill & Jean are doing/thinking in the meantime. Given that we know that Jean is fairly conservative, I would have expected to see an argument between her and Bill as to why he accepted the dinner invitation, especially since she reacted so angrily at the end of the previous story. We don't see any tension between her & Bill, even though she must have been furious with him. What did Jean now think about that night in Cincinnati and how does she feel about meeting Linda later for dinner?
In fact, Jean's actions seem a little too inconsistent with her character. She's described as being "very conservative" in the first story. Perhaps the drinks that she had in that first story "opened her up" sexually, but when she became sober at the end, she returned to her conservative self, apparently very angry (at least that's the emotion I got). In this second story, we see little or no resistance to her going up to Linda & Jim's suite. Was it the wine that she drank at dinner? We read that the table has consumed two bottles over dinner, but we don't see how much Jean has drank or how it has affected her.
We also don't read about how she feels when Jim mentions that Linda has told him everything about what happened previously -- embarrassment, guilt, hurt? And given Jean's conservative nature, and that she now knows Jim knows everything, I would think she would be even less likely to go up to their suite. Is/has she gone through some sort of transformation or change in attitude? Or is it the alcohol's affect on her again? Again, we don't read what she's feeling or thinking to be able to tell.
Maybe you should think about tweaking your stories a little to have Jean undergo some sort of transformation. How's this for example: even though she's been married to Bill for thirty odd years, their sex life has always been mundane and ordinary. Oral sex? No way she's putting that dirty smelly thing in her mouth. Missionary position with the lights out is all she's done or will do. Wham bam, thank you, ma'am, roll over & go to sleep. For her, sex has become a chore that she dutifully doles out to Bill on an increasingly diminishing basis (which, of course, has become a source of frustration to him).
Then we could see Jean undergo a sexual transformation during these encounters with Linda, where she finally begins to discover her sexuality at this late stage of her life. I can imagine a scene where Linda teaches Jean how to give Bill a blowjob. And you could cut out Jean's masturbation scene in the first story and have Linda show Jean how to masturbate, both herself and Linda, in a subsequent story. And, after having experienced Linda eating her out, I could imagine Jean later wanting Linda to teach her how to return the pleasure. Just some suggestions.
-----------
Fifty-Somethings in Vegas Ch. 02:
In the first story (Two Fifty-Somethings), Jean is 56. In this story, however, she is 54. Somehow she's lost 2 years of her age.
I don't think you need to refer to Jean as a UPS clerk here, since it doesn't really add anything to this particular story (unless the reader has a fetish for UPS employees).
To me, the dialog between Bill & Jim doesn't sound like it's coming from older men.
We don't know their ages, but if they are close in age to their wives, the reader would assume that they are in their mid to late fifties.
We find out in this story that Jean has fantasized about having sex with two men. Again, this seems inconsistent if Jean is "very conservative."
-----------
I hope my comments haven't put you off. I think you have an interesting framework in place and in my opinion there's potential to make the stories better if that's your desire. In writing my own story, certainly the hardest part was filling in all of those small details that make the story "real." I think many of us novice authors of erotica are so caught up in writing about the sex that we sometimes forget or gloss over the little details that enrich the story.
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