I would love some feedback

[CollegeGuy4OlderF]

Thanks for reading this and any of my stories. I wrote all of these a while ago and am in the process of writing another...I would love to know what you like and don't like about my stories and hear any ideas you may have for plotlines or anything else you would like to read about. I look forward to hearing from all of you!!!

 

[piltdownman]

-A friendly tip... no one likes to go looking for stories... you need to include a link....

 

[CollegeGuy4OlderF]

There is a link just under my post

 

[Guest]

Stories


Here. This works better.

 

[CollegeGuy4OlderF]

Thanks!!!

 

[drksideofthemoon]

There is a link just under my post

You have to remember that some of us, myself being one of them, have the signatures disabled.

 

[Varian P]

Hi there, CollegeGuy.

I took a peek at "My First Time with an Older Woman."

My main piece of advice to you is to think of writing porn/erotic fiction--well, actually, writing any kind of story--as a seduction.

Make your characters alluring, not by giving them the measurements of supermodels, but by making them funny or sexy or clever, and letting them put that across through actions and dialogue, not by telling us, "She was so sexy."

Tease us into the story by building up tension. Let the characters engage with each other, and as they talk and move, let us wonder if something is going to happen between them. Make us want it before it starts happening.

I'm afraid your story reads more like a police report than a work of erotica; you relate a bunch of cold facts--the narrator's age, Beth's age and measurements, and the comings and goings of the party. Then you relate a couple moments of conversation, and we don't even get to "hear" the characters talking, the narrator relates the conversation as reported speech.

The result is that when they start kissing, I have zero sense of these two people, and the kiss is about as exciting as watching someone rub two cereal boxes together.

What's hotter?

Beth is not your average 38 year old woman. She has the body of a 21 year old. She has blonde hair, about 5'6", 120 lbs, a 36D chest and an incredible ass.

or

Sitting on the couch, my vodka tonic leaving a cold, wet ring on my jeans, I watched Beth's full lips touch the rim of her wine glass, watched her draw the red liquid into her mouth and swallow. When she bent to set her empty glass on the coffee table, her blouse gapped open and I caught a glimpse of her breast, taut and creamy, swelling up from the red lace of her bra.

You have a fine grasp of language and grammar. Just slow down and enjoy what's sexy about the story as you write it.

I hope that's helpful. Good luck with your new story.

-Varian

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I tried to read Two is better than one. I have some comments.

First you need to learn how to punctuate dialogue. There are a couple of good articles in the Writers Resource catagory. Read them. Live them.

Secondly, the story seems to begin in the middle of something that is not explained other than, "We are adults and decided to fuck." You need to learn to lead us into a story, not drop us in the middle like a parachutist behind the enemy lines.

Third, I just don't believe your characters. Cindy is totally pissed because you fucked her best friend then fucks you both? You characters need to act and react like real people. "I" would have had a really hard time fucking Cindy after he had been thrown out of the house with a foot up his ass.

Learn to make it real. Learn to compose a story with a beginning, a middle and a conclusion. Then you'll do alright.

 

[MarshAlien]

I read "Sweet Melissa," which is apparently the most popular of your works to date. My first thought is, don't bother telling us it's fiction. Even if it's true, nobody's going to believe you. The fact is, nobody really wants to believe you. They want a story that they can put themselves into.

Now to the story. You have a good command of the language, although there are some jarring notes. To the extent you had any women readers, you lost them when you used the term "middle aged." Nobody wants to hear that late thirties is middle aged. "Breasts that look a little large for her frame" is sweet; lose the bra sizes.

This paragraph was a little odd, and it's one of the keys to your story:

"Ben…It's a pleasure." Not wanting my new friend to get away from me, "If you'd like you are more than welcome to stop by this evening."

The ellipses are unnecessary. "Not wanting my new friend to get away from me" is not a proper attribution for dialogue. And even so, it's too much at this point in the story. What gives Ben the confidence to say something like this? Why isn't he shyer? We need to believe him, to believe maybe that she sees something in him that we don't, at least not at this point. How about having him just blurt out an invitation? And then she could respond with a gentle turn-down, but with something in her eyes that makes it not seem a completely futile action to give her his address in the next long paragraph.

Later on, you lose a few more female readers with "any man would be lucky to have either of the women..." If you mean "be in the company of," "have" is a little too possessive. If you mean "throw on the floor and fuck," you're moving a little too quickly.

In general, I just think you need to go more slowly, as VarianP says. Take your time writing these stories, just as you would if you were actually living them. Give us all the important dialogue, and let us lose ourself in your world.

Speaking of VarianP,

Sitting on the couch, my vodka tonic leaving a cold, wet ring on my jeans, I watched Beth's full lips touch the rim of her wine glass, watched her draw the red liquid into her mouth and swallow. When she bent to set her empty glass on the coffee table, her blouse gapped open and I caught a glimpse of her breast, taut and creamy, swelling up from the red lace of her bra.

what time can you get here?

 

[CollegeGuy4OlderF]

thanks for all of your feedback and suggestions...as I mentioned, I wrote all of those stories several years ago, and will do my best to incorporate all of your suggestions in the stories I am working on now!