I would love some feedback on my first story

[sensational204]

Love it.. hate it? Want more, or should I quit here? Any feedback would be appreciated.

I submitted it under the category of fetish, but really it's more of an erotic coupling story:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=65784

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I couldn't believe the entire premise: that a woman would leave her door unlocked because some stranger phoned her and told her to, and that being grabbed by an unknown intruder in her own home would get her sexually excited rather than terrified. You don't even give much consideration to the fact thjat she would be frantic with terror. It's just not plausible.

I also notice you have trouble with punctuation, especially at the start. You use ellipses (...) or double dashes where you should use commas. Just for the record, an ellipsis (three periods) is used in fiction to indicate a break or incomplete sentence or thought. A double dash is used to insert a non-related thought or logical non-sequiter into a sentence. Most of your ellipses could have been replaced by commas.

I'd work on trying to understand your characters' motivations better to make the stories more believeable. This one was just impossible to believe.

---dr.M.

 

[sensational204]

Thanks for taking the time to read my story mabeuse. I appreciate your feedback. I hope that some of your concerns about the believability of the story will be cleared up in the second part of it. I don't want to give it away completely, but there trust me, there is a twist to the relationship of the two characters (which you can probably guess now that I've mentioned it). So no, this woman isn't actually a psycho or an complete idiot. There's more to the story and it's one the reasons I put this in the fetish category.

But in general logical realism is not something I'm a big stickler on in every instance. Writing for me is more of an expression of my fantasies and dreams. So they should only be believable in an emotional sense, not necessarily logical.

I appreciate your comments about my ellipses though. That's noted and something I will work on. I want my stories to read like a dream, but still flow fluidly.

Hopefully I'll have the second part of this story up by next week, and I'd like to hear again what you think of it then.

 

[secret_love]

Hi,

Unfortunately, this story did not capture my imagination or turn me on very much. Here is why:

1. Who is she? - I would suggest revealing some more of the main character's inner life. Is she lonely, crazy?

I also suggest replacing some of the "she"s. For example you could change "She startled and froze. She felt her heart skip, unsure of what to do . . . "
to
"The lonely housewife startled and froze. She felt her heart skip, unsure of what to do . . ."


2. Where are all the Dirty Words - Much of your prose is lovely, and I can tell that you are a very romantic person. Awwww.
Nevertheless, when I read erotica, I like a little salt with my sugar.

For perv's like me : ), please try to describe the sex a little more.

Be specific. Do you really mean "hardness" and "softness" or "hard penis" and "soft vagina?" Concrete terms help the reader to visualize the action in the story.

3. Is it Possible to Abuse the Ellipse - Yes. Yes and, well, yes.
I was a little distracted by the proliferation of ellipses. . .
I don't know why. . .

Ellipses can be used effectively to create suspense, but if there are too many of them, they can lose their impact.


In Conclusion

I think the strongest point of Sensual Stranger is the mystery surrounding the intruder. Who could he be? A blond midget? A space alien? I am curious to find out.



Cheers,


SL