I would like some help to improve..

[Du Lac]

Hello all.. I have not written in some time. I would like some help to improve my poetry style... here is one I wrote a while back.. suggestions welcome
thanks
Du Lac
Yellow Inbetween
byDu Lac©
Yellow Inbetween

Heavy rain soaked snow,
Thrashing towards the earth,
Suppressing rising yellow-brown rookery,
Terra of the in-between.

4791 miles,
dividing
the physical us
World of the in-between.

A yellow ware mug, purchased for you,
Sipping, warm, rich coffee,
Lips meeting on a shared rim,
Dissolving the in-between.

Encapsulating blond shower,
Fluent hot water rolling over goose bumps,
Sitting, looking up, your manhood alive in my mouth.
Watching you float inbetween.

Lemon walls, echoing lust,
Spread open and vulnerable,
Deep expulsion within the cavern of trust,
I scream lost inbetween.

You are blue, I am green,
Me blue, you green?
Fusion of spirits
Yellow inbetween.

dlt March 9 2005

 

[Du Lac]

45.. Another one that needs help

Clear water drips through a tainted veil

the parched mind opens

waiting to catch a drop

falling



drought fed fields

soggy with celluar doubt



Green turns to brown

season spin

leaves twirl

through the young girls dreams



Womanhood rises far faster than asked

Thinking of now

we cry about tomorrow


calling all the while to the child within

DLT 2006

 

[bronzeage]

Hello all.. I have not written in some time. I would like some help to improve my poetry style... here is one I wrote a while back.. suggestions welcome
thanks
Du Lac
Yellow Inbetween
byDu Lac©
Yellow Inbetween

Heavy rain soaked snow,
Thrashing towards the earth,
Suppressing rising yellow-brown rookery,
Terra of the in-between.

4791 miles,
dividing
the physical us
World of the in-between.

A yellow ware mug, purchased for you,
Sipping, warm, rich coffee,
Lips meeting on a shared rim,
Dissolving the in-between.

Encapsulating blond shower,
Fluent hot water rolling over goose bumps,
Sitting, looking up, your manhood alive in my mouth.
Watching you float inbetween.

Lemon walls, echoing lust,
Spread open and vulnerable,
Deep expulsion within the cavern of trust,
I scream lost inbetween.

You are blue, I am green,
Me blue, you green?
Fusion of spirits
Yellow inbetween.

dlt March 9 2005

My advice is to read each image carefully and decide what metaphor you seek.

"Thrashing" means to beat of flail. It is the same word as "thresh", which is to beat stalks of grain until the corns separate. Wet snow can crash, but it can't trash anything but the air.

"Suppressing rising yellow-brown rookery" is also confusing". Suppress means to hold down. "Rookery" may mean a high rocky peak, so the snow holds down the mountain. This is a good image, if it is what you intended. From the sense of the piece, I suspect the snow obscures the view of the mountain.

There are several other ambiguous or obscure images.

"Encapsulating blond shower," Is the water blond, or does it encapsulate a blond?

"Sitting, looking up, your manhood alive in my mouth". Okay, I got that one.

 

[Dizzyfish]

I would read, "Blond shower,"
as her hair been unrestricted.
It is loose and falling down her
back, much like a shower does.
But that is just me.

I really liked this piece. I hope
you continue to write.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

I agree with BronzeAge - you have some good ideas but, in trying to convey them, you lose the reader by the obscurity of the metaphors. They may be clear to you but, if a reader can't relate you lose him/her. I'd add to BA's suggestion that you read them aloud to hear the words - for instance - in your 1st line "heavy rain soaked...." could be "heavy rain laden....." "laden" echoing "rain" etc.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

My advice is to read each image carefully and decide what metaphor you seek.

"Thrashing" means to beat of flail. It is the same word as "thresh", which is to beat stalks of grain until the corns separate. Wet snow can crash, but it can't trash anything but the air.

"Suppressing rising yellow-brown rookery" is also confusing". Suppress means to hold down. "Rookery" may mean a high rocky peak, so the snow holds down the mountain. This is a good image, if it is what you intended. From the sense of the piece, I suspect the snow obscures the view of the mountain.

There are several other ambiguous or obscure images.

"Encapsulating blond shower," Is the water blond, or does it encapsulate a blond?

"Sitting, looking up, your manhood alive in my mouth". Okay, I got that one.

I understood the 'thrashing down' it's something I've heard in England said about heavy rain

 

[vrosej10]

My advice is to read each image carefully and decide what metaphor you seek.

"Thrashing" means to beat of flail. It is the same word as "thresh", which is to beat stalks of grain until the corns separate. Wet snow can crash, but it can't trash anything but the air.

"Suppressing rising yellow-brown rookery" is also confusing". Suppress means to hold down. "Rookery" may mean a high rocky peak, so the snow holds down the mountain. This is a good image, if it is what you intended. From the sense of the piece, I suspect the snow obscures the view of the mountain.

There are several other ambiguous or obscure images.

"Encapsulating blond shower," Is the water blond, or does it encapsulate a blond?

"Sitting, looking up, your manhood alive in my mouth". Okay, I got that one.

A rookery is also a rather smelly and noisy place where birds nest and I have also heard a den of theives refered to similarly. I got stinking bird place from this.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Hello all.. I have not written in some time. I would like some help to improve my poetry style... here is one I wrote a while back.. suggestions welcome
thanks
Du Lac
Yellow Inbetween
byDu Lac©
Yellow Inbetween

Du Lac, take a step back, and imagine that it's you who is running into this kind of a text, written by someone else (say, by a stranger). C'mon, just apply your common sense.

Good luck,

 

[Du Lac]

Thank you everyone I really appreciate your input. What makes sense to me does not for the reader and I needed to hear that.. I will work on these using your suggestions. Thanks Again all~