I would like some feedback if possible

[Guest]

I have just started writing poetry again after 25 years. This is my first erotic poem and I would appreciate some feedback for improvement. Thanks!

The Sensuous Roses

There was this man, whom I had never met before
He was a very honest man, one I could adore
Who caught me by surprise by saying, “Hello”
And handed me a rose, the color of, yellow
He said, “This is for your beautiful hair”
He put another yellow rose on the other side to make it fair
I gazed into his eyes
Oh how I could feel my heat rise
You put your arms around me
Ever so tight, so I couldn’t flee
Your lips brushed across my cheek
Testing me, if I would further seek
My head turned to meet your lips
As I could feel my clothes begin to slip
My fingers running through your hair
And you could smell the perfume like pears
With our lips joined together
Our tongues began to dance within each other
Your thumb brushes against the nipple on my breast
Raising it to its crest
The flooding sensations you make me feel
Your tender touch, is so real
You press your body into mine
And I just wait for your next line
You bend your head down and kiss my nipple
My body goes into a huge ripple
You gently began to suckle
As I feel my knees beginning to buckle
You lead me to the bed
Removing your clothes, as nothing needs to be said
My eyes began to wonder
Staring at your swollen cock with ponder
You gently lay me down with care and ease
My eyes telling you, yes please
Your lips reaching down to mine
While your hand is caressing my breasts, ooh that feels so fine
The inner lightening begins its heat
The sensations something you just can’t beat
Your tongue running down my stomach
My hips rise to tell you of my ache
Your tongue finds my vulva lips
My stomach is doing all kinds of flips
I grab your head with both of my hands and pull you in
And the waves of passion begin within
Your tongue finds my sensitive clit
I feel like I am ready to split
My hips rise above ever so high
The spasms taking me way into the sky
With one spasm after another
Your tongue enters me and I flutter
While you lick my sweet juices
My body begins to relax and there are no excuses
For the pleasure I felt
How you my dear, make me melt
You reach behind you, and you pull out a red rose
Brushing it across my toes
And up my legs
Again, you can see my eyes beg
You move it to my inner thighs
Throwing me again into a high
You brush it against my sweetness and up to my belly
Turning my body into jelly
You brush it over my forehead and then to my eyes
And you can hear, my big sighs
Down across my cheeks and over my lips
Your mouth reaches down and you give me a tender nip
You move the rose down my chin and neck
Not missing any flesh, not even a speck
The rose brushes both nipples with your tender loving touch
I feel my fists began to clutch
And you lay the red rose between my breasts bare
To show just how much you care
As we lay beside each other, so close and cuddly
The feeling of satisfaction felt so utterly
My soft tender lips meet yours for a kiss
My hand on your heart I feel it go amiss
I feel your cock on my thigh beginning to throb
So my hand reaches down to grab it and rub
Our kisses become deeper as lust hangs in the air
The hunger we feel is almost too much to bear
Our tongues touch each other as we explore
The tasteful liquid we both have come to adore
The sliding of our tongues as we go in and out
This is the start of what making love is all about
My fingers running through your hair
Not forgetting to touch every strand that you bare
As my finger traces your chin
Your sensuous mouth turns into a grin
My hands running over your strong body
Feeling your muscles and thoughts of being naughty
I slowly to move to your ear
Whispering softly the words you love to hear
“Let me love you my darling, so tender and sweet”
“Just dream of heaven because it will feel so neat”
My lips find the curve in your neck
While constantly rubbing your cock and not missing a speck
Mmmmmm my love you make me hot
For I am so wet in my special spot
My finger runs inside my lips and I load it with my honey
Then rubbing it on your cock to let you know its worth, more than money
My tongue finds your tiny nipples
As I nip with my teeth and lick you with my tongue, sending you waves of ripples
I feel your hips arch up a bit
I know you can’t wait for what you are about to get
My pointed tongue runs down your belly
Watching your body flex and turn into jelly
I stop and hand you a surprise gift
Asking you to open it, hoping you don’t get rift
You gently pull on the first string of the bow
With a little more urgency you give the second string a go
I watch as you remove the cover
And inside you find the caramel from your lover
You twist the cover to remove the lid
We began to feel like two new kids
I dip my finger into the topping
For now we know, there is no stopping
And I place the caramel on your cock
Your balls beginning to show stock
Filling with fluid of a salty nature
From inside your body, you are the creator
My tongue finds your cock very amusing
And the caramel adds to the flavor, which is absolutely refusing
My tongue flickers over your sensitive head
The movements becoming more and more on the bed
I surround your cock with my wonderful mouth
Your fluid relocation becoming a passion of wealth
As I suck the caramel from your swelling dick
Your hips rise higher as my tongue continues to flick
I began to suck with a harder passion
In and out, in such a fashion
Mmmmm long tender strokes baby
Your body in my control, and just maybe
The faster I go the closer you get
In reaching your climax, my wondrous pet
Now with long, hard, and faster sucking motions
I feel your body tense with all your inner emotions
Your body begins to jerk and feel the sudden spasms
Reaching that wonderful feeling of an orgasm
I suck you and suck you dry my sweet
For we both collapse, as we are totally beat
We sleep in each other’s arms
Resting up for the next alarms
The stirring of your body begins to arouse me
Your handsome face looking relaxed as can be
My fingers gently stroke your ear
Touching your body helps me to be near
I hear you make a groan
My tender lips kiss you before you utter a moan
Your body moves closer to mine
That’s what I wanted from you, was a sign
Your eyes flutter open, now I know I don’t need to beg
As my foot starts moving up and down your leg
We tighten our hugs to each other
Our tongues exploring within one another
My hands gently rubbing your back
For there is no love here that we lack
Your hands wandering over my soft skin
I want you to take me where I have been
Those great waves of passion begin to swell
Over that rainbow we both know so well
My hips begin to move from desire
Only you can put out that fire
You grab my ass then squeeze my cheeks
Pulling me closer to you as you speak
“I feel the love you have to give”
“Yes my love, for we have yet to live”
“Under one condition”
“We will satisfy us both, so you will move into the sixty-nine position”
I straddle my legs over your lips
You grab my ass and pull down on my hips
You use your tongue and take one long lick
From top to bottom, all in a flick
My pussy becomes so wet
Your tongue drives deep and you take all you can get
My mouth comes down around your cock
Sucking you in and out, our mouths too full for any talk
We both begin to moan and groan with pleasure
Because we both know, we are each other’s treasure
You grab my ass and turn me around
My heart rapidly begins to pound
You lay me gently on my back
Then you grab my legs swinging them over your shoulders with such a knack
You rub your cock against my love spot, and enter me slow
You look into my eyes and see that glow
My hips rise to the occasion
Wanting to feel all of you, mmmm and oh the sensation
Your hips begin to pick up a rally
Slamming your cock deep in my valley
Oh baby yes, take me I am yours
Sending waves and waves of passion galore
Our bodies lurch as the explosions take place
Over and over as we hit home base
Well this night was great, we both will say
Too bad it had to end this way
So you go your way and I'll go mine
With the hopes of doing this one more time

®Smiling Eyes™ 05-15-02

 

[WickedEve]

First thing you need are stanzas. I broke your poem into 49 stanzas, and for this thread I numbered them to make it easier for others to keep track of where they are. I'll try to give you more feedback when I get time. This a really long poem.

1
There was this man, whom I had never met before
He was a very honest man, one I could adore
Who caught me by surprise by saying, “Hello”
And handed me a rose, the color of, yellow

2
He said, “This is for your beautiful hair”
He put another yellow rose on the other side to make it fair
I gazed into his eyes
Oh how I could feel my heat rise

3
You put your arms around me
Ever so tight, so I couldn’t flee
Your lips brushed across my cheek
Testing me, if I would further seek

4
My head turned to meet your lips
As I could feel my clothes begin to slip
My fingers running through your hair
And you could smell the perfume like pears

5
With our lips joined together
Our tongues began to dance within each other
Your thumb brushes against the nipple on my breast
Raising it to its crest

6
The flooding sensations you make me feel
Your tender touch, is so real
You press your body into mine
And I just wait for your next line

7
You bend your head down and kiss my nipple
My body goes into a huge ripple
You gently began to suckle
As I feel my knees beginning to buckle

8
You lead me to the bed
Removing your clothes, as nothing needs to be said
My eyes began to wonder
Staring at your swollen cock with ponder

9
You gently lay me down with care and ease
My eyes telling you, yes please
Your lips reaching down to mine
While your hand is caressing my breasts, ooh that feels so fine

10
The inner lightening begins its heat
The sensations something you just can’t beat
Your tongue running down my stomach
My hips rise to tell you of my ache

11
Your tongue finds my vulva lips
My stomach is doing all kinds of flips
I grab your head with both of my hands and pull you in
And the waves of passion begin within

12
Your tongue finds my sensitive clit
I feel like I am ready to split
My hips rise above ever so high
The spasms taking me way into the sky

13
With one spasm after another
Your tongue enters me and I flutter
While you lick my sweet juices
My body begins to relax and there are no excuses

14
For the pleasure I felt
How you my dear, make me melt
You reach behind you, and you pull out a red rose
Brushing it across my toes

15
And up my legs
Again, you can see my eyes beg
You move it to my inner thighs
Throwing me again into a high

16
You brush it against my sweetness and up to my belly
Turning my body into jelly
You brush it over my forehead and then to my eyes
And you can hear, my big sighs

17
Down across my cheeks and over my lips
Your mouth reaches down and you give me a tender nip
You move the rose down my chin and neck
Not missing any flesh, not even a speck

18
The rose brushes both nipples with your tender loving touch
I feel my fists began to clutch
And you lay the red rose between my breasts bare
To show just how much you care

19
As we lay beside each other, so close and cuddly
The feeling of satisfaction felt so utterly
My soft tender lips meet yours for a kiss
My hand on your heart I feel it go amiss

20
I feel your cock on my thigh beginning to throb
So my hand reaches down to grab it and rub
Our kisses become deeper as lust hangs in the air
The hunger we feel is almost too much to bear

21
Our tongues touch each other as we explore
The tasteful liquid we both have come to adore
The sliding of our tongues as we go in and out
This is the start of what making love is all about

22
My fingers running through your hair
Not forgetting to touch every strand that you bare
As my finger traces your chin
Your sensuous mouth turns into a grin

23
My hands running over your strong body
Feeling your muscles and thoughts of being naughty
I slowly to move to your ear
Whispering softly the words you love to hear

24
“Let me love you my darling, so tender and sweet”
“Just dream of heaven because it will feel so neat”
My lips find the curve in your neck
While constantly rubbing your cock and not missing a speck

25
Mmmmmm my love you make me hot
For I am so wet in my special spot
My finger runs inside my lips and I load it with my honey
Then rubbing it on your cock to let you know its worth, more than money

26
My tongue finds your tiny nipples
As I nip with my teeth and lick you with my tongue, sending you waves of ripples
I feel your hips arch up a bit
I know you can’t wait for what you are about to get

27
My pointed tongue runs down your belly
Watching your body flex and turn into jelly
I stop and hand you a surprise gift
Asking you to open it, hoping you don’t get rift

28
You gently pull on the first string of the bow
With a little more urgency you give the second string a go
I watch as you remove the cover
And inside you find the caramel from your lover

29
You twist the cover to remove the lid
We began to feel like two new kids
I dip my finger into the topping
For now we know, there is no stopping

30
And I place the caramel on your cock
Your balls beginning to show stock
Filling with fluid of a salty nature
From inside your body, you are the creator

31
My tongue finds your cock very amusing
And the caramel adds to the flavor, which is absolutely refusing
My tongue flickers over your sensitive head
The movements becoming more and more on the bed

32
I surround your cock with my wonderful mouth
Your fluid relocation becoming a passion of wealth
As I suck the caramel from your swelling dick
Your hips rise higher as my tongue continues to flick

33
I began to suck with a harder passion
In and out, in such a fashion
Mmmmm long tender strokes baby
Your body in my control, and just maybe

34
The faster I go the closer you get
In reaching your climax, my wondrous pet
Now with long, hard, and faster sucking motions
I feel your body tense with all your inner emotions

35
Your body begins to jerk and feel the sudden spasms
Reaching that wonderful feeling of an orgasm
I suck you and suck you dry my sweet
For we both collapse, as we are totally beat

36
We sleep in each other’s arms
Resting up for the next alarms
The stirring of your body begins to arouse me
Your handsome face looking relaxed as can be

37
My fingers gently stroke your ear
Touching your body helps me to be near
I hear you make a groan
My tender lips kiss you before you utter a moan

38
Your body moves closer to mine
That’s what I wanted from you, was a sign
Your eyes flutter open, now I know I don’t need to beg
As my foot starts moving up and down your leg

39
We tighten our hugs to each other
Our tongues exploring within one another
My hands gently rubbing your back
For there is no love here that we lack

40
Your hands wandering over my soft skin
I want you to take me where I have been
Those great waves of passion begin to swell
Over that rainbow we both know so well

41
My hips begin to move from desire
Only you can put out that fire
You grab my ass then squeeze my cheeks
Pulling me closer to you as you speak

42
“I feel the love you have to give”
“Yes my love, for we have yet to live”
“Under one condition”
“We will satisfy us both, so you will move into the sixty-nine position”

43
I straddle my legs over your lips
You grab my ass and pull down on my hips
You use your tongue and take one long lick
From top to bottom, all in a flick

44
My pussy becomes so wet
Your tongue drives deep and you take all you can get
My mouth comes down around your cock
Sucking you in and out, our mouths too full for any talk

45
We both begin to moan and groan with pleasure
Because we both know, we are each other’s treasure
You grab my ass and turn me around
My heart rapidly begins to pound

46
You lay me gently on my back
Then you grab my legs swinging them over your shoulders with such a knack
You rub your cock against my love spot, and enter me slow
You look into my eyes and see that glow

47
My hips rise to the occasion
Wanting to feel all of you, mmmm and oh the sensation
Your hips begin to pick up a rally
Slamming your cock deep in my valley

48
Oh baby yes, take me I am yours
Sending waves and waves of passion galore
Our bodies lurch as the explosions take place
Over and over as we hit home base

49
Well this night was great, we both will say
Too bad it had to end this way
So you go your way and I'll go mine
With the hopes of doing this one more time

 

[Senna Jawa]

Comments on "The Sensous Roses"

An awful title.

Stanza 1.
line 1. Inefficient, apoetic language.
line 2.The narrator doesn't know yet that the man was honest. If honesty here is essential, the reader should dedect it on her/his own from the poem, without being told so by author.
line 3. The context does not justify the use of phrase caught me. Simple suprised me would do just fine.
line 4. Awkward.

Stanza 2.
line 3. Awkward.
line 3&4. Cliched.

Stanza 3.
line 1 2 & 3. Cliched.
line 4. prosey expression, apoetic.

Stanza 4. All cliched.
line 4. like pears is superficial, forced upon the text in order to get a rhyme.

etc. It's not going to get any better (I am afraid that the text is getting worse as it progresses).

Best regards,

 

[Sweetwood]

Once is enough

[/B][/Quote]
So you go your way and I'll go mine
With the hopes of doing this one more time [/B][/QUOTE]

Oh honey, please NO! Once is enough = I beg of you

Please try something shorter and ........ we all will love it

Sweetwood

 

[WickedEve]

Shorter would be a better way to start. Try a poem with just a few stanzas, and concentrate more on rhythm and finding some original imagery to offer the reader.
I was going to offer some suggestions for this poem. I even had it all laid out in numbered stanzas. But it needs too much work, and on a poem this size, that's overwhelming.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Shorter would be a better way to start. Try a poem with just a few stanzas, and concentrate more on rhythm and finding some original imagery to offer the reader.

I wonder if catious kindness is any good in some situations. Before one reasonably successfully writes poetry with the idea of presenting it to others it is necessary to have an idea (consciously or subconsciously, intuitively) what poetry is about.

Best regards,

 

[Smiling Eyes]

Thanks for the feedback

Thank you for your input. I did have it layed out in stanza's, this is just the way it got posted. I agree, it is very long. Thanks!

Smiling Eyes

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Try it again

Reread your poem and condense it into four stanzas and then repost it to this thread.

If you do this I will help you work on it.
I will explain what works and what doesn't and why. (In my opinion that is.)

U.P.

 

[Smiling Eyes]

Thanks Unmasked Poet.....I think I will just throw it out and start over. Thanks again everyone.

Smiling Eyes

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Never do that!

If you do that you cannot learn. Keep everything.

Staring over with something new is not good use of your time or talent. Refining what you have created will teach you so much more. You can learn everything about writing decent poetry from one poor poem. This can be a decent poem, just take my hand and click your heels together three times.

We won't end up in Kansas but it will be a hell of a ride. Besides if I'm willing to comit to it, you could at least humor me.

U.P.

 

[Guest]

Wow!

Thanks Unmasked Poet. I thank you for your time. I think I will go back to writing my regular poetry. It is something that gets published without a blink of an eye. This is just something I thought I would try. According to Senna, it isn't worth the time.

Senna.....I really think someone needs to send you to a school where you can learn to be more tactful. I asked for comments, but I didn't ask to be ripped apart. I also have long nails too my dear, but never would I dig that deep.

 

[Unmasked Poet]

LOL

Oh I don't think I'm Mr. PC. Just ask the old hands on the board. I will rip poems also. I usually do it as part of a theme or what I think is an amusing chat. I will never attack you personally. I will always make suggestions on how I think the poem would be better. I will often use a poem as an illustration of what not to do and why.

I think Senna Jawa is use to a bit more sophisticated crowd. Mature poets are used to crit and unkind comments. They roll of their backs like water. Toughen up and don't let crits hurt you. It is a poem not you. Now give me something to chew on.

U.P.

 

[WickedEve]

Smiling Eyes

You'll get a lot of different feedback on this board, but if you ever get any advice on a poem from UP or daughter... Take It!!

 

[KillerMuffin]

You've got a protagonist "I" and an antagonist "him/you." It's either "him" or "you." I suggest you use "him" if you're making this poem that long.

You're a slave to your rhyme and it's really not working in places. It's killing your rhythm. If you intend to keep rhymes like that, then you need to work really hard on the lines with it.

I'm not in the start shorter crew, myself, but then again I see this more as a story than a poem and chopping it down will lose the thread of the story.

You can't c'np into this forum and keep your formatting. You will have to go through and manually add the extra line breaks. Pressing "preview" prior to submit will help you a ton.

 

[dark stranger]

lifetime of love

you have many poems here
that could each be a dance of words
give each the time
to be worshiped

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: Wow!

[...] regular poetry.

That's an oxymoron.

It is something that gets published without a blink of an eye.

Fat gold rings, fat banking accounts, fat diplomas on the wall, fat recognition, a fat list of publications... -- it is all awfully important (and alliterated). But here, on the poetic board, just show us a good poem. Or any poem and we may play with it. Forget about all fat achievements, relax.

Senna.....I really think someone needs to send you to a school where you can learn to be more tactful. I asked for comments, but I didn't ask to be ripped apart. I also have long nails too my dear, but never would I dig that deep.

Nothing personal, it's not even any business either. Just talking about poetry.

No school will teach this old dog new tricks. I understand that U prefer that I will not comment on your poems from now on. Sure. (Just don't change your nick on me ).

Best regards,