I would like feedback on the only poem I submitted

[hyperthread1]

I would like feedback on the only poem I submitted.

 

[Angeline]

I would like feedback on the only poem I submitted.

If you can paste the poem or a link to it here I'm sure you'll get some.

 

[Tzara]

I would like feedback on the only poem I submitted.

Hi, hyperthread1.

Normally I would not comment on a poem like yours as it was not a poem I found particularly interesting. That is a personal assessment, obviously, and others may well feel differently about it.

But, since you asked, here's what I would say:

• The double spacing is distracting, though as you are writing a list poem, it is somewhat less distracting than usual. That may be an artifact of pasting your word processing text into the Lit submission window, but unless you want to make your poem a series of declarations ("I am Caesar, and I rule!"), it looks a little goofy.
• In L5, the second "your" should be "you're."
• If you follow my first recommendation and change to single-spacing, you should probably insert periods at the end of each line. The lack of punctuation is not quite so obvious in the current format, but would perhaps be exposed with shrinking the space between the lines.
• In L7, it should be "self-pleasure."

I did not happen to find your poem erotic in any way, but I often do not find other's "erotic" poems erotic; that seems a very idiosyncratic response to the author's personal vision of what is hot. That yours wasn't/isn't mine is neither your problem nor my own.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

If you can paste the poem or a link to it here I'm sure you'll get some.

Found it. -

I would like feedback on the only poem I submitted.

Reflections - it's what I call a "list poem" and they always disappoint. I want to know why you love these things or how you come to know of them, in other words I want more not just a list of "loves".

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Pardon me saying so but you might as well be saying I love rhubarb crumble and custard and neither would be erotic unless you're going to spread it lusciously

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Pardon me saying so but you might as well be saying I love rhubarb crumble and custard and neither would be erotic unless you're going to spread it lusciously

- I guess the moral of this is "be careful what you ask for" - often, if a submitted poem gets votes but no comments left there's a reason - let sleeping poems lie.

 

[Angeline]

It's not very poetic for (as folks have noted) it's just a list of what two people like. It has some mild erotic value although the images clearly mean more to the writer than the reader. There doesn't seem to be any effort to engage or even interest the reader.

I think that each line is supposed to switch perspective from one person to the other and that's why it's double spaced. But how many people will even figure out you meant that if you only use "you" (and even that is used sparingly)? You need names or at least some clearer pronouns.

hyperthread if you wrote it for yourself or someone else in particular and you are happy with that, that's great. I wouldn't call it a poem though, not in terms of my understanding of poetry.

What made you decide to ask for feedback?

 

[EroticOrogeny]

With the last line I saw it more as a statement of autoeroticism.
Not erotic in my reading.
Unsure qhy comments sought now, as was posted more than a year ago.

 

[vrosej10]

I found it not particularly erotic or poetic. It almost qualifies as prose poetry. It was to clinical for my tastes. I don't feel the passion you are describing.

Free tip: Be careful what you wish for round here. Demanding attention is going to get you plenty of a kind you don't want or need.

Free tip 2: Don't demand attention, earn it. Write something noteworthy and you'll get note. Look at fridayam.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

With the last line I saw it more as a statement of autoeroticism.
Not erotic in my reading.
Unsure qhy comments sought now, as was posted more than a year ago.

perhaps they have nothing else to offer?

 

[twelveoone]

I would like feedback on the only poem I submitted.

have you offered any on anybody else's?

 

[bronzeage]

All the previous comments are valid. It is a list and it is clinical. The format does not help the read. Some say it is not poetic or erotic, and these comments are not quite on the mark, but do make a good point.

The form of this piece is actually an address. It is a speech directed to another person, without requiring a response. Since the audience is not, present, it is also a prayer.

The problem is weak images, or worse, weakly portrayed images. The metaphor has power, but the use is weak. It will be difficult to improve all of them without losing the "I love" pattern.

In L1, "let my hands wander" could be "run/slide/rub my hands". The hands are no longer slaves who act by permission, but become the lover's tools.

L2 is probably the most wasted image. The action of the hands is described in passive terms. You see the face change. The metaphor is the nipples are a control panel for the body, the hands have control.

L3 repeats the mistake of L2, and again you end the line as a passive observer. How do you know anticipation is growing? What do you see?

L6 is a puzzle. After watching him grow close to orgasm, why do you now look at a mirror? I can't think of any convenient position for a hand job, except a reach around, which does not put you looking directly at his face.

L7 is the twist ending. There is no point to saving it for the last. If you use this image at the beginning, the reader can enjoy the parallel scenes of a woman making love to a man with her hands and also a woman masturbating while fantasizing about it.

I hope this helps.

I love to let my hands wander all over your smooth muscular body
I love to squeeze your hard nipples, and see your facial expressions change
I love to slowly work my way to your crotch, and watch your anticipation grow
I love how your cock swells in my expert hands, and feel the veins bulge
I love it when your breathing grows heavy, and your so close to release
I love to watch your reflection in the mirror as your whole body tenses
I love self pleasure, and that you are always there for me.

 

[hyperthread1]

Thank you all...

Thank you all for your comments. I am thick skinned Tristesse2, and I ask because I want to grow in my understanding. I want to create a vision that captures others, so I appreciate Tzara's comments.

The line spacing was a result of cut and paste submission.

The poem is admittedly and deliberately in a list format.

EroticOrogeny hit the nail on the head with the autoeroticism comment. The poem, or list is about self-pleasure or masturbation, and the self affirmation, and the stimulation of the person talking.

So evidently the biggest failure or irony is that while lines 1 - 5 were supposed to lead the reader to think it was one person talking to another, 6 and 7 ultimately failed to deliver the hook, or twist in that it was a person looking in the mirror as he masturbated.

Not sure why I wrote it, or waited a year to ask. I do appreciate the feedback though and will try to apply it to future efforts.

 

[twelveoone]

Thank you all for your comments. I am thick skinned Tristesse2, and I ask because I want to grow in my understanding. I want to create a vision that captures others, so I appreciate Tzara's comments.

The line spacing was a result of cut and paste submission.

The poem is admittedly and deliberately in a list format.

EroticOrogeny hit the nail on the head with the autoeroticism comment. The poem, or list is about self-pleasure or masturbation, and the self affirmation, and the stimulation of the person talking.

So evidently the biggest failure or irony is that while lines 1 - 5 were supposed to lead the reader to think it was one person talking to another, 6 and 7 ultimately failed to deliver the hook, or twist in that it was a person looking in the mirror as he masturbated.

Not sure why I wrote it, or waited a year to ask. I do appreciate the feedback though and will try to apply it to future efforts.

I love to let my hands wander all over your smooth muscular body
I love to squeeze your hard nipples, and see your facial expressions change
I love to slowly work my way to your crotch, and watch your anticipation grow
I love how your cock swells in my expert hands, and feel the veins bulge
I love it when your breathing grows heavy, and your so close to release
I love to watch your reflection in the mirror as your whole body tenses
I love self pleasure, and that you are always there for me.

Very good attempt
Now what you have is a pattern, with a nice attempt at a turn. (some movement) You would have to be one of the best poets in the world to make a list poem work.
What you may want to consider is this, setting up a pattern of three:
I love...I love...a line with a contrasting thought, I love..I love a line with a contrasting thought it might be ok to have it end on the same word, another three pattern and sum it up in the punchline - two patterns, one repeating at the front of the line, a second at the end converging at the end line.
For the illusion of movement the pattern could be 3 I loves, contrast,2 I loves, contrast. 1 I love, contrast; end line would be a change of heart
two patterns 1st one decreasing, 2nd one increasing in relationship to the first to
convergence
This is what is known as an interference pattern, more commonly used in reference to light, but surprise! also in reference to poetry, but it is usually applied to rhythm (micro scale) I am applying it to macro scale (lines).

And now that you have occupied some of best minds of literotica with your self absorption. which I see as a wonderful metaphor for the decline of "new poems", you can ask yourself: "What can I, hyperthread1, do to help out?"
perhaps, er, read & comment over there, also.
Good Luck
and Merry X

 

[hyperthread1]

Thanks again...

twelveoone, your instructive yet humorous reprieve/encouragement made my day. I will do my best to do my best. I am taking everyone's comments to heart. I can see that there is more to poetry than rhyming. When I wrote that poem a year ago it was meant as a joke. I wanted to see how many masturbators were out there that would relate. Now, moving on.....

 

[bronzeage]

twelveoone, your instructive yet humorous reprieve/encouragement made my day. I will do my best to do my best. I am taking everyone's comments to heart. I can see that there is more to poetry than rhyming. When I wrote that poem a year ago it was meant as a joke. I wanted to see how many masturbators were out there that would relate. Now, moving on.....

Most poetry is about masturbation, whether it rhymes or not.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Most poetry is about masturbation, whether it rhymes or not.

oiiiiiii who are you calling a wanker?!

 

[vrosej10]

oiiiiiii who are you calling a wanker?!

Don't take it personally. Wanking is an old and popular hobby and i guarantee the comment arose from a practitioner himself (given that 99% of men masturbate and the other 1% are liars).

 

[twelveoone]

Don't take it personally. Wanking is an old and popular hobby and i guarantee the comment arose from a practitioner himself (given that 99% of men masturbate and the other 1% are liars).

NOT if you're Captain Hook!

Where do you think they got that "Arrgghh" expression from? I'm sure bronze recognised it from Treasure Island.

hyperthread1, welcome aboard. I am glad you took it, the way it was intended.

 

[vrosej10]

NOT if you're Captain Hook!

Where do you think they got that "Arrgghh" expression from? I'm sure bronze recognised it from Treasure Island.

hyperthread1, welcome aboard. I am glad you took it, the way it was intended.

That's a good one....He does still have one hand though and much has been done with one.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Why would they need more than one hand for wanking with anyway, have any extended studies been done into how many left and right handed wankers there are? I'm sure there's plenty of scope for wasting tax payers money in such a study although unpaid volunteers could be sought. I could point the way to one or two if the need should arise (pun unintended)

 

[bronzeage]

NOT if you're Captain Hook!

Where do you think they got that "Arrgghh" expression from? I'm sure bronze recognised it from Treasure Island.

hyperthread1, welcome aboard. I am glad you took it, the way it was intended.

What do you think Jim Hawkins was doing in the apple barrel. It was a small ship and privacy was limited. This is what led to the pirate superstition that the last of the apples were tastiest.

 

[EroticOrogeny]

Don't take it personally. Wanking is an old and popular hobby and i guarantee the comment arose from a practitioner himself (given that 99% of men masturbate and the other 1% are liars).

I was just reading a statistic which asked people whether they farted.
Men were much more likely to admit it, so here's a case where the women were more likely to lie.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I was just reading a statistic which asked people whether they farted.
Men were much more likely to admit it, so here's a case where the women were more likely to lie.

Men not only admit it they class it as a hilarious manly pass time (somewhere in the same juvenile space as ball scratching) as illustrated HERE

edited to add that only on this messageboard can we get from submissions to farting

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Men not only admit it they class it as a hilarious manly pass time (somewhere in the same juvenile space as ball scratching) as illustrated HERE

edited to add that only on this messageboard can we get from submissions to farting

Who knew so many babies are on u-tube farting - fodder for future parental blackmail?