I want to know what you think
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the_bragis
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2002
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This is what I think...
Hi there Josh,
You know what there are heaps upon heaps of boy mets girl goes into a whirl kind of stories on this site. Often when I read a page I think, I wonder if he or she really did this? And believe me that's titilating in itself, and I'm certainly not about to knock that kind of story.
Now yours is not like that, however, I find it's really nice to come across something totally different.
I thought you conveyed Sheri's feelings of paranioa really well. In fact I enjoyed all your descriptions. You have an incredible imagination, however ever did you think something like that up?
These are the points I noted:
it was common for strange eyes to examine her with a surgical precision,
This didn't quite sound right to me. Learing looks, wonton stares, lustful eyes, would all have worked better for me.
She would walk quickly to avoid being scandalized,
Did you mean to type scandalized, or scrutinized here?
Sheri hunched her shoulders up to her neck, straightened the collar on her coat, and sped her pace.
This is a good descriptive line, but really there were just too many 'she's and 'Sheri's, and that can detract from your story.
Try changing some of those sentences. This one could perhaps become: "Hunching her shoulders up to her neck, and straightening the collar on her coat, she sped her pace."
the city throbbed around her like a machine.
This is a great metophor, a city really can feel like that sometimes can't it?
She was twenty-five, but she could have been easily mistaken for a runaway or an orphan.
A small point here, orphans are youngsters, however runways are all ages.
the white noise of the streets...
I didn't understand this? Is it American slang? Be careful using slang.
...which at this moment (and every moment)
No brackets needed here, use a coma instead.
The proof lay in the puddle below her.
That's a hell of a good line you know! I wish I had thought of it.
I'm not an expert or an editor, but for me this story was a good read. Your first effort, congratulations Josh.
And......have a great day.
Alex.
Hi there Josh,
You know what there are heaps upon heaps of boy mets girl goes into a whirl kind of stories on this site. Often when I read a page I think, I wonder if he or she really did this? And believe me that's titilating in itself, and I'm certainly not about to knock that kind of story.
Now yours is not like that, however, I find it's really nice to come across something totally different.
I thought you conveyed Sheri's feelings of paranioa really well. In fact I enjoyed all your descriptions. You have an incredible imagination, however ever did you think something like that up?
These are the points I noted:
it was common for strange eyes to examine her with a surgical precision,
This didn't quite sound right to me. Learing looks, wonton stares, lustful eyes, would all have worked better for me.
She would walk quickly to avoid being scandalized,
Did you mean to type scandalized, or scrutinized here?
Sheri hunched her shoulders up to her neck, straightened the collar on her coat, and sped her pace.
This is a good descriptive line, but really there were just too many 'she's and 'Sheri's, and that can detract from your story.
Try changing some of those sentences. This one could perhaps become: "Hunching her shoulders up to her neck, and straightening the collar on her coat, she sped her pace."
the city throbbed around her like a machine.
This is a great metophor, a city really can feel like that sometimes can't it?
She was twenty-five, but she could have been easily mistaken for a runaway or an orphan.
A small point here, orphans are youngsters, however runways are all ages.
the white noise of the streets...
I didn't understand this? Is it American slang? Be careful using slang.
...which at this moment (and every moment)
No brackets needed here, use a coma instead.
The proof lay in the puddle below her.
That's a hell of a good line you know! I wish I had thought of it.
I'm not an expert or an editor, but for me this story was a good read. Your first effort, congratulations Josh.
And......have a great day.
Alex.
Last edited:
Rumple Foreskin
The AH Patriarch
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2002
- Posts
- 11,109
Josh,
For starters, IMHO, you've placed this in the wrong category. I'd strongly recommend "sci-fi/fantasy" unless statues coming to life and screwing some gal 'till she turns to stone is a normal event in your neighborhood.
You've obviously got a unique, imaginative story, but you made a lot of the normal, first-timer mistakes. These include but are not limited to the following:
Four straight paragraphs begin with the girl's name.
An uncounted, by me at least, number of sentences begin with "She".
Your big love scene lost a lot of its impact because you dumped the whole thing into one very long paragraph.
It seemed to take about 99 forevers (actually about half the post) to get to the story. IMHO, that's too long, especially for a short story.
There were some mis-used phrases and words such as "kneeled over" which probably should have been, "bent over" and "compelled" in the following sentence, "Her paranoia compelled her to glance over her shoulders to see whether she was being followed, but she ignored the urges..."
Feel free to double check me with your dictionary, but if someone is "compelled" to do something, it gets done. In this case, you probably should have used "urged".
You've got a lot to learn but you're not coming to class empty handed. Read and write critiques (doing both is the cheapest way to improve your writing) and keep working on your stories.
Rumple Foreskin
For starters, IMHO, you've placed this in the wrong category. I'd strongly recommend "sci-fi/fantasy" unless statues coming to life and screwing some gal 'till she turns to stone is a normal event in your neighborhood.
You've obviously got a unique, imaginative story, but you made a lot of the normal, first-timer mistakes. These include but are not limited to the following:
Four straight paragraphs begin with the girl's name.
An uncounted, by me at least, number of sentences begin with "She".
Your big love scene lost a lot of its impact because you dumped the whole thing into one very long paragraph.
It seemed to take about 99 forevers (actually about half the post) to get to the story. IMHO, that's too long, especially for a short story.
There were some mis-used phrases and words such as "kneeled over" which probably should have been, "bent over" and "compelled" in the following sentence, "Her paranoia compelled her to glance over her shoulders to see whether she was being followed, but she ignored the urges..."
Feel free to double check me with your dictionary, but if someone is "compelled" to do something, it gets done. In this case, you probably should have used "urged".
You've got a lot to learn but you're not coming to class empty handed. Read and write critiques (doing both is the cheapest way to improve your writing) and keep working on your stories.
Rumple Foreskin
Last edited:
damppanties
Tinkle, twinkle
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Posts
- 16,276
Re: This is what I think...
When there's continuous and/or a lot of noise, there's a kind of numbness in your head and you 'see' a whiteness in front of your eyes; something like what you experience when you come in from the sun into a darkened room. This is what I understood from the 'white noise of the streets'.
But do streets make that kind of a noise? I mean, does it really get unbearable?
Josh, I liked the phrase - white noise. Real good.
-DP.
the_bragis said:
When there's continuous and/or a lot of noise, there's a kind of numbness in your head and you 'see' a whiteness in front of your eyes; something like what you experience when you come in from the sun into a darkened room. This is what I understood from the 'white noise of the streets'.
But do streets make that kind of a noise? I mean, does it really get unbearable?
Josh, I liked the phrase - white noise. Real good.
-DP.
pinklipstick
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2002
- Posts
- 103
Josh!
Bravo!
I'll agree with some of the previous posts. There are probably alot of things you could do to correct the technical execution of the story (and I'll personally vote for some shorter paragraphs). But please don't change the storyline itself.
You pulled me in immediately. I liked the buildup and the descriptions you used. You put some thought into Sheri. And the ending was brilliant. What a wonderful read to start the day with.
I can't wait to see what else you submit.
Bravo!
I'll agree with some of the previous posts. There are probably alot of things you could do to correct the technical execution of the story (and I'll personally vote for some shorter paragraphs). But please don't change the storyline itself.
You pulled me in immediately. I liked the buildup and the descriptions you used. You put some thought into Sheri. And the ending was brilliant. What a wonderful read to start the day with.
I can't wait to see what else you submit.
But can it form an arch by peeing?
I applaud any story that doesn't give me that "I've read this before" feeling. Great imagination and vision. Bravo.
As to Rumple's comment on categories: Story categories are no doubt necessary (esp. when there are tens of thousands of stories on a site). But the downside is the potential to induce preconceptions before a reader begins. This story defies categorization. That said, I think you picked the right one. It's not really 'sci-fi' because the statue isn't really alive, and she's not really turning to stone. It's "A Beautiful Mind" perceiving reality in a way different from how others may perceive it.
The opening paragraph left much to be desired. Terms like 'natural' and 'paranoid' were too ambiguous coming out of the gate. I wasn't sure if you meant 'paranoid' is the clinical sense; or the more lay sense of 'self-conscious.'
When I got a few paragraphs down to:
Sheri was insane. Not in a violent way; just in a . . .
I thought "now THERE was the opening line." It wasn't until then that I finally was sure what you meant about her. But with that line first, much of the other description would have been easier to read.
Sheri tore through this hostile metropolis that paradoxically branded her with anonymity and goaded her terrible lunacy with fantasies of persecution.
Great line. Loved the elegant tension.
What made everything worse was that she wasn't from here.
Terrible line. It has too much of that "And on top of that, she had corns" feel. (Do city-bred paranoid schizophrenics really feel all that much better than their country cousins?)
The rest of the story continued much the same--some wonderful descriptions, some odd ones; some beautiful passages, some wordy and weak ones. E.g.,
She had a youthful beauty about her which was once incomparable but now hidden behind five years of filth, masked by the torment of living for half a decade without a home.
I'd rather have seen: "Her youthful beauty lay masked under the filth and torment of five homeless years."
Do as we say, not as many of us often fail to do: run your story by a good editor before submission. A fresh eye can give you the perspective to see things that you might miss.
But, overall, it was an enjoyable read.
I applaud any story that doesn't give me that "I've read this before" feeling. Great imagination and vision. Bravo.
As to Rumple's comment on categories: Story categories are no doubt necessary (esp. when there are tens of thousands of stories on a site). But the downside is the potential to induce preconceptions before a reader begins. This story defies categorization. That said, I think you picked the right one. It's not really 'sci-fi' because the statue isn't really alive, and she's not really turning to stone. It's "A Beautiful Mind" perceiving reality in a way different from how others may perceive it.
The opening paragraph left much to be desired. Terms like 'natural' and 'paranoid' were too ambiguous coming out of the gate. I wasn't sure if you meant 'paranoid' is the clinical sense; or the more lay sense of 'self-conscious.'
When I got a few paragraphs down to:
Sheri was insane. Not in a violent way; just in a . . .
I thought "now THERE was the opening line." It wasn't until then that I finally was sure what you meant about her. But with that line first, much of the other description would have been easier to read.
Sheri tore through this hostile metropolis that paradoxically branded her with anonymity and goaded her terrible lunacy with fantasies of persecution.
Great line. Loved the elegant tension.
What made everything worse was that she wasn't from here.
Terrible line. It has too much of that "And on top of that, she had corns" feel. (Do city-bred paranoid schizophrenics really feel all that much better than their country cousins?)
The rest of the story continued much the same--some wonderful descriptions, some odd ones; some beautiful passages, some wordy and weak ones. E.g.,
She had a youthful beauty about her which was once incomparable but now hidden behind five years of filth, masked by the torment of living for half a decade without a home.
I'd rather have seen: "Her youthful beauty lay masked under the filth and torment of five homeless years."
Do as we say, not as many of us often fail to do: run your story by a good editor before submission. A fresh eye can give you the perspective to see things that you might miss.
But, overall, it was an enjoyable read.
Rumple Foreskin
The AH Patriarch
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2002
- Posts
- 11,109
WHITE NOISE
That question by the bragis and D.P.'s comments about white noise got me to thinking (a rare feat), in this case about white noise. A quick check of the old Webster's produced this:
white' noise'. n. random noise with a uniform frequency spectrum over a wide range of frequencies.
Now wasn't that a lot of help? To me, the classic white noise is soft, felt-more-than-heard background music or the sound of something like rain or the surf, either the natural kind or that produced by a machine to help folks sleep by reducing the distraction caused by small, unexpected noise.
IMHO, activity on busy city streets does create a constant drone, a steady level of indistingushable white noise that is only overwhelmed by by a sudden, loud noises such as gunshots or a siren.
Rumple Foreskin
That question by the bragis and D.P.'s comments about white noise got me to thinking (a rare feat), in this case about white noise. A quick check of the old Webster's produced this:
white' noise'. n. random noise with a uniform frequency spectrum over a wide range of frequencies.
Now wasn't that a lot of help? To me, the classic white noise is soft, felt-more-than-heard background music or the sound of something like rain or the surf, either the natural kind or that produced by a machine to help folks sleep by reducing the distraction caused by small, unexpected noise.
IMHO, activity on busy city streets does create a constant drone, a steady level of indistingushable white noise that is only overwhelmed by by a sudden, loud noises such as gunshots or a siren.
Rumple Foreskin
Rumple: You're dead-on with white noise, but you're wrong about "compelled". It can be used to mean urged. What you are compelled to do doesn't necessarily have to get done.
Josh: I'd have to agree with what some of the other people have said. This story is solid and interesting. There were very few errors in grammar or poor choices in wording. In fact, your writing has a lot of talent and you demonstrated superb creativity and skill in many places. The street girl type really doesn't appeal to me, nor do mental disorders, but I still thought it was fun to read about. Another thing that I enjoyed was your description of the city.
One thing that you should be careful about overusing is the semicolon. In your story it may be suitable. The tone is kind of clinical and technical in a way. For some reason I associate semicolons with higher writing and English professors. I'm certainly not saying that they shouldn't be used, but they can be tricky and sometimes people fall in love with them and start using them even when they aren't really necessary or fitting.
I agree with NCmV that the opening was kind of weak and a little too ambiguous. Try to throw something very interesting or very exciting out to the reader almost immediately. Especially in this medium, first impressions are extremely important.
Next, sex. I wanted more than I got! Maybe I'm just horny or too spoiled, but I felt as though I didn't get my "bang" for my buck. My time spent reading the (albeit vivid) descriptions of the city, Sheri and the sculpture garden didn't lead to a very satisfying end. Everyone has a different opinion about how much sex is enough (or too much) though, so take this as one reader's feedback and nothing more.
Finally, I had trouble with a some of your sentences. They were a bit long, confusing, windy, or any combination of the above.
Example: "She would think about the melting feeling she had when he ran his hands over her arms and outside of her hips, she would think about the way he would kiss between her breasts and over her belly button, she would think about that wonderful sensation she would have when he first entered her, and the gasping noise she would make."
Example: "And as she could feel herself beginning to climax, quickly inserting a finger inside of herself and pulling it out, pushing it in and pulling it out, prolonging the intensity, she could hear the statues quietly whispering to each other, the white noise of the city now gone entirely, so that there was nothing left except for the chatter of the statues and the accelerating sounds of her moaning."
In the above sentence you talk about: Her climax, her finger's motions, the statues whispering, the city noise, the statues chattering, and her moaning. At least I found this sentence confusing and long winded. You may want to try breaking it into smaller pieces.
There were a couple of other cases where I felt the thoughts could have been more clearly organized into smaller sentences, but I'm tired and it's late. Like some of the other responses suggested, just one quick proofread by someone else can make a world of change.
I'm very glad you posted the story and it's great to see someone with such obvious talent looking to sharpen their skills. Please post more!
Josh: I'd have to agree with what some of the other people have said. This story is solid and interesting. There were very few errors in grammar or poor choices in wording. In fact, your writing has a lot of talent and you demonstrated superb creativity and skill in many places. The street girl type really doesn't appeal to me, nor do mental disorders, but I still thought it was fun to read about. Another thing that I enjoyed was your description of the city.
One thing that you should be careful about overusing is the semicolon. In your story it may be suitable. The tone is kind of clinical and technical in a way. For some reason I associate semicolons with higher writing and English professors. I'm certainly not saying that they shouldn't be used, but they can be tricky and sometimes people fall in love with them and start using them even when they aren't really necessary or fitting.
I agree with NCmV that the opening was kind of weak and a little too ambiguous. Try to throw something very interesting or very exciting out to the reader almost immediately. Especially in this medium, first impressions are extremely important.
Next, sex. I wanted more than I got! Maybe I'm just horny or too spoiled, but I felt as though I didn't get my "bang" for my buck. My time spent reading the (albeit vivid) descriptions of the city, Sheri and the sculpture garden didn't lead to a very satisfying end. Everyone has a different opinion about how much sex is enough (or too much) though, so take this as one reader's feedback and nothing more.
Finally, I had trouble with a some of your sentences. They were a bit long, confusing, windy, or any combination of the above.
Example: "She would think about the melting feeling she had when he ran his hands over her arms and outside of her hips, she would think about the way he would kiss between her breasts and over her belly button, she would think about that wonderful sensation she would have when he first entered her, and the gasping noise she would make."
Example: "And as she could feel herself beginning to climax, quickly inserting a finger inside of herself and pulling it out, pushing it in and pulling it out, prolonging the intensity, she could hear the statues quietly whispering to each other, the white noise of the city now gone entirely, so that there was nothing left except for the chatter of the statues and the accelerating sounds of her moaning."
In the above sentence you talk about: Her climax, her finger's motions, the statues whispering, the city noise, the statues chattering, and her moaning. At least I found this sentence confusing and long winded. You may want to try breaking it into smaller pieces.
There were a couple of other cases where I felt the thoughts could have been more clearly organized into smaller sentences, but I'm tired and it's late. Like some of the other responses suggested, just one quick proofread by someone else can make a world of change.
I'm very glad you posted the story and it's great to see someone with such obvious talent looking to sharpen their skills. Please post more!
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