I want them, but are they even gay? Help!

[Silky_Thighs]

So, you're new friends with someone, or at least pretty good aquaintances.

Your bi, and interested in them. You wanna know if they are bi (or gay), and if you've got any shot in the world.

How do you bring up the subject?

This is my obsticle.

"Dude(tte), what do you think of gay people?"

Not so slick.

"So, I was wondering, what's your orientation? Because, you know, everyone is presumed hetero, and I don't want to make the typical societal assuption."

(ie, straight up asking)

Pretty clinical. Can be out of place in conversation (and I'll be damned if I can think of a good segway into it). And, if she's not very confortable with advertising her sexuality, you may not get the same story as you would when you get her nice and drunk and start softly rubbing her thighs.

Oh and, by the way, premeditated inibriation-cum-seduction is not a viable option in my case. If it were to happen, wonderful, but can't count on it.

"So, have you ever thought of being with another girl before?"

This is about as good as I can come up with. But there are flaws - it's really out of the place if you're not talking about sex. Which brings up the issue, how do you bring up sex when you don't know them that well, and the subject is still akward?

Also, again even if she's never given the subject real thought, doesn't mean she wouldn't be game under ideal circumstances, which may be as simple (and non-coercive) as just getting more confortable and closer with me. Afterall, I seek to pursuade, gently and hopefully, irresistably, to turn her mind toward the idea if it hasn't been there before.

And, then, what am I supposed to say after she answers? "Hey, well, I have!" *insert akward silence* Cause us both liking girls doesn't mean she's going to like me. But of course, I can drop a story about how once my date, she (note mental emphasis) used to tame tigers or whatever, but should I let her know my leanings before I find out about hers, or after, or what?

Anyhow, is there not something I can do that's more subtle then asking if she's thought of it before, and yet still effective? Some kind of flirting that wouldn't be embarrasing if she wasn't into it, yet still tantalising?

Because if I can't find out then I'm wasting my time wanting something that may not even be viable and getting even more worked up, and if there's no hope, then I'd rather be friends and pursue/fantasize/long for and otherwise employ my romantic energy on others.

Another thought: girls - would showing up with a flower for you be lame? Backfireish? You see, I'm a romantic at heart and tend to actually consider that kind of mush as a viable possibility. If she's straight, would that be, like, really akward for her and cause her to avoid me because she doesn't know how to let me down gently?

So...given these problems, how would you/do you/have you gone about it when it wasn't a given from the get-go?

 

[Tymeless]

just let her know your interested if she is in you she'll jump at the chance otherwise you can remain friends if u would prefer that!

 

[bi_asian_guy]

*****

 

[bitemefillme]

you could always test the water, I've done it before by perving on girls walking past when I'm sat with someone I fancy. if I'm feeling brave I'll say something like 'I'd do her'
if they change the subject, drop it. if you see a glint in their eyes, go for it

 

[Silky_Thighs]

Yeah, trinkets is probably a better approach.

I'm surprised that more people haven't faced this situation.

 

[Xtinas_Girlfriend]

Yeah, trinkets is probably a better approach.

I'm surprised that more people haven't faced this situation.

Oh my gosh, I'm IN this situation right now! I've fallen so hard for this girl, but she's straight, at least that's what it says on her myspace and everything (but it says "straight" on mine as well, so who knows). We became really good friends this summer and have spent a lot of time together. She's a really touchy-feely person, like she'll lean on me and let me put my arm around her, or she'll say "let's snuggle," but I'm not sure if that's flirting or if she's just like that. I do try to buy her little things though, like I bought her cheesecake one day because she had had a really rough week. After she had two exams we went out that night and I bought her drinks. But I'm not sure how she feels. And I can't come right out and ask her because I'm not "out" and we have too many mutual friends for me to make it awkward between us. Silky, I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions, but I just wanted to let you know someone else is in your boat. And if you find out what to do, let me know! lol

 

[briar_rose]

*sigh* i know this all too well also.

Yeah my methods are slow and coniving I'll spend lots of time 'befriending" the girl and just generally getting close to her in the hope that particular circumstances will pop up for me to lay ideas in her head, or for me to work out what she thinks.

As me and my crush are both artists we're fairly forward and will take about how hot/beautiful girls can be ....so im still unsure but goddamn im hoping and i cant get her drunk. My plan is have enough sleep overs and crazy things late at night to get the ol' truth or dare going. I know inhibitions fade away at about 2am.

I buy her chocolate chocolate works

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

Oh gosh, am I so not an expert in this area, but I have one thought that might be useful based on what I know about general human nature and interactions. Maybe you are way beyond this point, but here goes.

In the spirit of honesty between freinds, in an appropriately private setting, say, "There is something you need to know about me . . . "

Disclose your sexuality and your predilections, and take the opportunity to do it in a way that makes it sound intriguing, exciting, sexy, etc. Slip in as much detail about the kind of women you are attracted to without being too obvious.

You have now cast the bait upon the water. If the "fish" shies away decisively or "actively" ignores it, there's your answer - fuhgeddaboutit. If the other person is quiet and thoughtful, change the analogy to you have planted a seed - water and fertilize it a little from time to time, but perhaps that's all you can do. If the response is enthusiastic interest and, "Tell me more . . ." - you'll know what to do.

 

[katiebaby]

I was just in this situation. I went for a massage at the place across the street from where I work. The woman came out and was so pretty, she sort of took my breath away, and then we had a great conversation and the massage rocked.

I didn't think about her again until I got a hand written note saying that she had moved to a new location, but would like my continued business, and there was a card in there for the new salon. It piqued my interest but I was still thinking "this is about business for her."

I went for a second massage and got the vibe from her again. Some spark, something. I'm married but bi, and I live in a small(ish) town where people talk, so I'm pretty careful who speak to aboout such things. For the second massage, she and I talked more, she showed me her hot tattoos, and again...just that VIBE I was getting.

I decided to call her and ask her to hang out for dinner, basically be friends. My thought is always that just friends is fine with me too, that's rare to find someone that you have a good friendship thing with anyway. If there's more, that would be great, but I'm ok if it doesn't. I have a bunch of female friends of varying sexuality, some I've messed around with and some I never would.

We went out to dinner and she seemed so nervous. Dropped 2 forks during dinner. As per usual, I played it cool as a cuke.

Here's what I do--I put it out there several times in the conversation--"Oh, me, I'm all over the place. I lived in San Francisco, I slept with women, I danced with gay boys." Then she knows I'm into it. The ball is in her court.

As per usual, I almost never make a move. I invited her over to hang out with me on Friday night (hubby was in NYC, and of course, cheering for me in my attempt to bed this woman) and she brought all this alcohol and got ME drunk. At some point in the night, I was getting pretty wasted (I rarely drink and it was champange, went down too fast), and I said "I have to slow down before I get crazy." And she's like "how? what, would you molest me or something?" And I sort of did a funny shake of my head like "I might?" And she said "oh no, don't do that..." in a very serious tone.

At which point I thought--GAME OVER. I was the little Pac Man after the ghost got him, fading into sexual oblivion. From that point on, I had a mantra in my head "don't touch. Be good. She's not into you like that."

And then she threw herself at me. Basically got naked and jumped across the couch and said "we are having crazy sex tonight, you know that, right?"

And I never did a damn thing.

I feel so studly.

 

[Silky_Thighs]

Oh, that made me laugh!

You are a stud!

I don't know. Still trying to figure out what to do.

Hell, I don't even know what kind of women I'm attracted too. Intelligent, passionate, kind ones I guess. I mean, she's not going to get much of a vibe off of that.

 

[robbie_boy1]

here you go............

I am standing next to a heart throb...........I look at them and say... I saw this pic on the net and wow.............and you always ask the other sex. Or send them the same sex pic and say, you would do this person wouldn't you...if they come back strong ...chuckle.......if not skull fuck em...hahahaha...sorry couldn't resist

 

[Jaxbi]

And then she threw herself at me. Basically got naked and jumped across the couch and said "we are having crazy sex tonight, you know that, right?"

And I never did a damn thing.

I feel so studly.

Go you!

To the topic at hand - I was in the same boat a little over 9 months ago. I had had a crush on a friend R, whom I worked with, it came and went as it felt like. A mutual friend of the both of us, K, also female, made the decision to tell R that they had feelings for them, which went down like a cup of cold sick....so, i knew, without giving anything up, that it was a no go.

However, we had all spoken about the fact that there are some people out there that the straightest woman or man, would jump the fence for. Both K and R knew I was bisexual, so I had no fences to jump!

However, I developed a massive crush on K, but felt that maybe R was the only person in the world that K would 'jump the fence' for. So, I just opted to stay friends. Would get drunk with K, hang around with K, invited K to things, and took up invitations to go with her to things. Also spoke with K about having had a crush on R as well, so she knew she wasn't alone. Was happy to be friends, and leave it at that.

Got invited for a drink one night, and the question was never really brought up. However, she just said 'Are you nervous?", and... I never went home that night!....Or home alone any other night since!

Am currently living with K, and have been almost inseperable for 9 months.

My suggestion is - be honest about who you are, and your orientation. You don't necessarily have to say "look I like you a lot', but accept invitations, give invitations to things, and just see how things go. One way or another, you'll figure out if she's interested, or if it's not part of her - as in, if she runs off when you share your orientation. If she's interested she'll stick around, and want to join you in activities, or things, as a friend, and...possibly take it further. But, let her make the move, if you are worried - then the ball is in her court, and you don't feel like you are pushing her. She knows then your sexual orientation, and it's up to her to let you know.

I don't know if it makes any sense...but I hope it helps.

Jax