I want feedback

[Dulcerosado69]

I just posted a story which I worked very hard on and I would appreciate any feedback to get better at it. Thanks

 

[NotWise]

I just posted a story which I worked very hard on and I would appreciate any feedback to get better at it. Thanks

There's a whole forum called "Story Feedback."

The best way to get a response there is to post a link to your story, then tell them a little about the story: its category, length and a little about the content. You need to post those things here too, if you want someone to read the story.

 

[anthrodisiac]

Congrats!

You might want to check out the Story Feedback forum, I think you'll be more likely to get feedback there. Make sure you put the story title in the post title and the link and any specific feedback you may be looking for in the body of the post.

 

[old_prof]

I just posted a story which I worked very hard on and I would appreciate any feedback to get better at it. Thanks

It's short. I will try to read it tomorrow and give you some feedback. Today's not been a good day. Tomorrow is my one hectic day during the week but I should have time tomorrow afternoon.

 

[Dearelliot]

I just posted a story which I worked very hard on and I would appreciate any feedback to get better at it. Thanks

where is it

 

[LegendInMyOwnMind]

I just left a comment on the story in the story page. In summary, needs improvement but shows promise. Keep writing.

 

[EmilyMiller]

I just posted a story which I worked very hard on and I would appreciate any feedback to get better at it. Thanks

This might have helped:

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-workout-26

It’s 978 words, so ‘worked very hard’ might be a bit of an exaggeration. And Loving Wives is a tough audience.

I’ll try to read later and give you some feedback.

 

[EmilyMiller]

I want feedback​

First paragraph:

At this very exact moment I just know deep inside of I know that you want me.

This makes no sense. ‘Very exact,’ is not needed, it’s either exact or it isn’t. ‘I know deep inside of I know,’ isn’t an English phrase that I am aware of.

You want to make an impact with your first line, but not this type of impact.

The feeling is mutual.

This is OK.

I am very aware that is wrong and risky at the same time it's worth taking the risk as I can't wait.

There are missing words here. And missing punctuation. It’s not fully clear how it’s meant to break up, perhaps: ‘I am very aware that [IT] is wrong and risky[PERIOD] [A]t the same time[COMMA] it’s worth taking the risk[COMMA] as I can’t wait.

Also consider the repetitive use of ‘risky’ and ‘risk,’ perhaps change the second to ‘chance.’

The treadmill is my tool to get in shape but my mind is somewhere else thinking what if and what will happen.

I think this also needs to be broken up. ‘The treadmill is my tool to get in shape but my mind is somewhere else[PERIOD] [I’M] thinking, ‘What if?’ and ‘What [MIGHT] happen [NEXT]?’

—

So there is a lot to work on in just your first paragraph. You mention this has been edited. Did your editor not pick up on any of the above? It’s hard to read when there are issues like the ones above.

I’d recommend using some sort of read aloud (many browsers and word processors have these) as a way to eliminate basic errors. Failing that, read what you write more thoroughly.

I get the sense that English is not your native tongue, am I right?

I’m not going to give you the same detailed breakdown of the rest of the text, but a few things:

1. Repetition. E.g. licking lips, inside, explosion
2. Lack of description of what is happening and how it feels
3. Too may sentences starting, ‘I…’
4. Try to avoid your narrative just sounding like a shopping list. Vary your sentence structure.
5. Avoid weird adjectives like ‘masculine face,’ (that’s redundant for a guy, like ‘skin-covered face’).
6. You need to take more time (and more words) over these scenes - what is happening physically? Mentally? Emotionally?
7. Who are these people, what are they like, why should I care about them? Everyone is one dimensional with no characterization.
8. Try to think, what is the story about? What do I want readers to think and feel?

Good luck with your next story.

 

[StillStunned]

It’s 978 words, so ‘worked very hard’ might be a bit of an exaggeration.

That's a bit harsh. When it's your first story, every single step takes so much more effort than it does with your tenth, or twentieth, or fiftieth. It's a huge decision to start writing, and another to finish, and then to publish. The entire writing process is like feeling your way through complete darkness, groping and stumbling and constantly wondering whether you're going the right way.

@Dulcerosado69 The good news is that it gets easier. So much easier. When I wrote my first story a few years ago, 2.5k words felt like a Dickens novel. Now that's a good day's writing. Keep it up and you'll develop "muscle memory". The words will flow more easily, and the ideas will come as you write.

In the meantime, check out these threads for some tips: Self-editing for authors and A place to discuss the craft of writing: tricks, philosophies, styles. If you want to practise, take a look at some of the Writing Exercises listed in this thread: these are prompts to write a snippet, just a few hundred words, and share it with all of us.

And check out @old_prof's guide on How To Be An Author on Literotica as well.

If this seems like a lot of homework: don't worry. You don't need it. Most of us learned our skills just through practice. If I can leave you with one tip, it's this: pick your favourite book, and try to write as if your story was part of that book. Try to make the style and tone match, and try to imitate the writer's dialogue or description. Your writing will mature very quickly if you can do that.

Good luck, and keep writing!

 

[Actingup]

I left a comment with a few points to consider, but I also want to highlight @StillStunned's advice above. It will feel like climbing a mountain, but it will get easier, and if you treat it as a learning experience, you will gain a lot out of it.

In a sense, you're doing yourself a favour by submitting this story into the toughest category, because people aren't going to give you a free ride - there are a lot of very average stories with good scores in other categories, and that's not helpful if want to challenge ourselves to be better writers. You're not risking a high score by putting this into Loving Wives, and that's okay. Your next story will do better, and you'll know that it's because of your efforts. Good luck.

 

[Dulcerosado69]

Thanks

 

[BobbyBrandt]

I read your story and can offer two suggestions:

1. Use a text-to-speech tool to read your story aloud to you. I believe that if you heard the words that you have written, you would get more valuable feedback from yourself than from others.
2. Use a speech-to-text tool to dictate your story. Close your eyes and tell the story as if you were telling to a friend. The dictated words could then become the foundation for the written story that you want to produce. (This is different than a language translation and you should still avoid letting any generative AI tools manipulate what your spoken voice produced.)