I read a coming out story I can relate to/exploring my sexuality

[geishaGirl]

I was browsing the Bi-Australia website today and read a story by a young woman called Ruth. She's a university student and spent years after highschool doing some soul searching in relation to her sexuality. She felt that outside of the school environment she was more "free" to explore that part of herself. After a while she gradually told her boyfriend and friends that she was bisexual. They were all supportive etc. and after some more soul searching she decided to tell her Mum. She was afraid as her Mum was Christian and Ruth knew what she thought of bisexuals, transgendered people, lesbians and gays - one day when she was watching a TV segment with her mother, not long after she'd started soul searching, her Mum made a disparaging comment about the lesbians/gays on the TV. That comment was always on Ruth's mind.

So Ruth finally tells her Mum that she's finally very clear that she is bisexual and her Mum took it surprisingly better than Ruth had expected. Her Mum did say that it wasn't the way she'd raised Ruth but she accepted that's who Ruth was and her love for her didn't change because of her sexuality.

I related to this story as I am still doing some soul searching of my own sexuality. I also have parents that are Christian and brought us up with traditional ideas. I have told my younger sister and being the extremely loving person that she is, she didn't have any problem when I told her I was bisexual. Most of my friends know now too...BUT........

I know I am attracted to women though when it came to initiating sexually with a woman I was seeing I couldn't do it. There were alot of complex issues surrounding my feelings towards this woman - I thought I was ready to be with her sexually and then found that maybe I'm not, my husband is/was attracted to her and we've had marriage problems relating to this attraction and more "smaller" issues as well. This experience has raised more questions for me - am I really bi? Maybe I am bi and I just wasn't ready at the time, for varying reasons? I still want to be with this woman but she's with someone else now and moving in a couple of weeks and has alot to deal with right now. I am also concerned that here I say I still want to be with her but when it comes to doing things with her would I just back away like before? I couldn't do that to her again........if I ever told how I still feel and if she wanted to be together again.

 

[SweetErika]

Hi GG. I know how you feel...it can be so difficult and confusing. Are you really questioning your sexuality based on this one experience? Is it possible this just wasn't the right woman for you and things would be different and easier with another woman? Maybe it'd be better to move on and make a fresh start with someone you don't have a history or issues with? To me, it seems it didn't work out with her for some very good reasons, and you're being presented with an opportunity to learn and grow.

 

[geishaGirl]

Thanks for your post SweetErika I have wondered the same things myself............

 

[Guest]

I was browsing the Bi-Australia website today and read a story by a young woman called Ruth. She's a university student and spent years after highschool doing some soul searching in relation to her sexuality. She felt that outside of the school environment she was more "free" to explore that part of herself. After a while she gradually told her boyfriend and friends that she was bisexual. They were all supportive etc. and after some more soul searching she decided to tell her Mum. She was afraid as her Mum was Christian and Ruth knew what she thought of bisexuals, transgendered people, lesbians and gays - one day when she was watching a TV segment with her mother, not long after she'd started soul searching, her Mum made a disparaging comment about the lesbians/gays on the TV. That comment was always on Ruth's mind.

So Ruth finally tells her Mum that she's finally very clear that she is bisexual and her Mum took it surprisingly better than Ruth had expected. Her Mum did say that it wasn't the way she'd raised Ruth but she accepted that's who Ruth was and her love for her didn't change because of her sexuality.

I related to this story as I am still doing some soul searching of my own sexuality. I also have parents that are Christian and brought us up with traditional ideas. I have told my younger sister and being the extremely loving person that she is, she didn't have any problem when I told her I was bisexual. Most of my friends know now too...BUT........

I know I am attracted to women though when it came to initiating sexually with a woman I was seeing I couldn't do it. There were alot of complex issues surrounding my feelings towards this woman - I thought I was ready to be with her sexually and then found that maybe I'm not, my husband is/was attracted to her and we've had marriage problems relating to this attraction and more "smaller" issues as well. This experience has raised more questions for me - am I really bi? Maybe I am bi and I just wasn't ready at the time, for varying reasons? I still want to be with this woman but she's with someone else now and moving in a couple of weeks and has alot to deal with right now. I am also concerned that here I say I still want to be with her but when it comes to doing things with her would I just back away like before? I couldn't do that to her again........if I ever told how I still feel and if she wanted to be together again.

If I understood you correctly, the woman you are attracted to is someone whom your husband was/is attracted to and and his attraction for her caused some marriage problems. If I got that right, then here is my advice:

Consider the possibility that you are attracted to that particular woman because you know your husband is attracted to her. I know that sounds strange, but perhaps you are feeling bad knowing that your husband has an attraction for her and your desire to have sex with her may be a direct reaction to that--a way of trying to control the situation or make yourself feel better.

I don't doubt that you are bisexual. However, please be careful with this particular woman. It may be you have your sights on her as a reaction to things your husband has said/done. I would suggest looking for a woman your husband is *not* interested in.

 

[geishaGirl]

Thanks Owera...

I have also thought about this myself too....nothing will happen again between myself and this woman. We have "been there, done that" and because of all the issues it was just too complex and in the end was more sensible for us to remain friends. I've just been feeling rather intensely towards her partly because she will be moving and partly because I am just missing her and the little girlfriend relationship we did have.

I would agree that on a subconscious level I have probably been attracted to her as a kind of "spin-off" response to my husband's attraction to her. (I would like to mention that our marriage and our friendship with this woman are very good now and I am sorting out "past stuff" in order to work through it and move on).

 

[Never]

If you've been having problems because your husband is looking at other women I don't see how you looking at women is the best thing right now.

As for bisexuality, like many parts of human nature, it can come in all shades and hues. It's possible that there are only a handful of women you'll meet in your life who will actually give you that jolt, or the slow burn, that lets you know you could feel both emotional and physical passion with them. The screwy thing is, it's quite possible that you won't be able to label yourself 'bisexual' until you feel that jolt. If that's the case then pondering won't do much for you.

 

[geishaGirl]

I take your points Never. Trust me I'm not "looking" for women right now anyway....just have these feelings to deal with. I am trying to get back to being "me" and I think I am going really well at the moment in that respect. I had depression for some time and that didn't help with marriage problems either!

As for not calling myself bisexual until I meet that woman who gives me a jolt, I would agree with that. It is difficult to know one way or the other. The more I think about it the more I see that I am more than likely bisexual but all these other issues have really made it difficult to be open to exploring that and feeling very 'right' about it. I believe, given time, that I will get back to being myself and once our marriage improves to a quality and level that is more secure and fulfilling then I will feel like I truly want to look for a woman/women and I could then embrace the exploration alot more wholly than I have been able to in the past.

I really appreciate everyone's comments so far....you have all had something different to point out and it's valuable lines of thought.

 

[Guest]

I'm glad to hear that things are improving for your relationship right now. I wouldn't worry so much about whether or not you're bisexual. If you are, everything is fine. And if you're not, everything is still fine. Either way it's all good

I consider myself to be bisexual, but I never went through any sort of period of
realization about that. What I mean is, when I was in high school the first person I dated was a guy (I'm female), and then second person I ever dated was also a guy. The idea of dating a woman was not, in my mind, a possibility at that time. It just never occurred to me. However, I found I had a deep appreciation for women, one which extended to finding them physically attractive. When I got to college I started dating women as well as men. It seemed like a natural thing for me to do. At that point I never thought, "Gee, I must be bisexual." I just began dating women and felt that it was nice. I knew a lot of women didn't do that, and I also knew that I wasn't gay, but the idea that something like bisexuality still hadn't occurred to me. I knew what I was doing, and I felt comfortable with it. But at that time I "knew" that people were either gay or straight (according to the attitude of people on my campus). I realized I was neither, but for some reason that never bothered me. I tended to think about it as a personal quirk of mine. It wasn't until I got to graduate school that I realized I would fall under the category of bisexuality. Funny thing is since that realization I have never felt strange, or special, or as if I'm part of a sexual minority. I feel just like I've always fellt--normal in every way. Luckily, I haven't had to deal with much, if any, discrimination or teasing or anger because of my sexuality. I think if I were a lesbian that would be different. But being bisexual is interesting in that people see you going out with both sexes, and whenever they see you with a woman they assume it's she's your friend and not your lover. So they often don't know.

All this is a very long way of telling you that it doesn't really matter how you (or anyone else) label yourself. The way you are is the way that you are, and it's all good

 

[DirkPryde]

Its kind of hard not to feel a little bit angry here, I know that people here are trying to hlep and you do not have the whole story, in fact the whole story would fill pages and pages, but damn it! people read "my husband is attracted to ...." and bang, opinions come out about me and this "other woman" that are just unfounded and more than a little insulting.

 

[SweetErika]

Its kind of hard not to feel a little bit angry here, I know that people here are trying to hlep and you do not have the whole story, in fact the whole story would fill pages and pages, but damn it! people read "my husband is attracted to ...." and bang, opinions come out about me and this "other woman" that are just unfounded and more than a little insulting.

Dirk, I just re-read every comment and I don't see anything negative about you, just ones stating that it's probably best for gG not to be involved with the woman beyond a platonic friendship due to HER feelings. In fact, most of us seem to be advocating doing what's best for the marriage. Am I missing something?

 

[geishaGirl]

It is true that people here don't have the full story on all the issues etc. relating to my husband and I and our friend, as my husband has pointed out. Based on that the 3 of you who have responded here have done so according to what you know of the situation, which is what I chose to post for the purpose of working through the thoughts I am having relating to my sexuality.

to my husband...

to everyone who's replied so far...

 

[geishaGirl]

Owera, it was interesting to read your description of your own experience as a bisexual person. I think it's nice and quite positive for you not to have felt "turmoil" etc. over being bisexual and being part of a minority group in that sense.

I have had similar thoughts - if I am bisexual then fine and if I'm not then fine too. Right now I couldn't care less! At some point in the future it would be nice to "know". I guess I am basing that knowing on what I would be like sexually with a woman. It is hard (for me anyhow) for that not to be the defining experience. Then again, there are other things that point to me being bisexual...I've lost my train of thought

 

[SweetErika]

Owera, it was interesting to read your description of your own experience as a bisexual person. I think it's nice and quite positive for you not to have felt "turmoil" etc. over being bisexual and being part of a minority group in that sense.

I have had similar thoughts - if I am bisexual then fine and if I'm not then fine too. Right now I couldn't care less! At some point in the future it would be nice to "know". I guess I am basing that knowing on what I would be like sexually with a woman. It is hard (for me anyhow) for that not to be the defining experience. Then again, there are other things that point to me being bisexual...I've lost my train of thought

I felt that way too...like I wouldn't know until I had a real sexual experience. While that did turn out to be what "sealed the deal," I look back at all of the signs (I enjoyed kissing a woman, I liked to look at them, I fantasized about them, had been thinking about it for years, liked the thought of pleasuring them, had crushes, etc.) and think, 'how could I not have known for sure?'

 

[geishaGirl]

I think it will be the same for me I read the "signs" that you had and I am exactly the same as that! The more I think about it lately the more I think there were just too many issues clouding my mind, which is a pity given I still have feelings for our friend. Perhaps it's for the best, the way things turned out. I mean it is better that I sort out ME first before I go doing something that could add to the things I need to think about. This line of thinking seems to "fit" for me