i never wrote before... would you rate this draft?

[rodrigorodrigo]

So I know this is probably not good, but I'd appreciate brutal feedback so I can improve.
If you see pontential, let me know, if it's absolute trash you can tell me as well.
It's a monologue because i wanted it to be intimate, put the reader at the center as an actual character.
Thanks in advance!

--------

best friends


i still think about that one time you know

yeah… that night

i know we’ve been through this already

bear with me

there’s too much i left unsaid

---

we’ve been friends for so long now

always there for each other

celebrating each other’s greatest achievements like they were our own

suffering through each other’s darkest moments as one

it always worked

---

but it never felt enough

it never felt… whole

but it felt safe and we played along

we’ve always liked safe

---

how many times did we play out in our heads

“the two of us together”

same conclusion every time

it wouldn’t work

sometimes i’d bring that subject up again

just to see you blush

playing this little shared fantasy in our heads

it always turned me on

the slight change in your voice

almost desperate for me to know

that you wanted me to make a move

but we played it safe

we like safe

---

but after in the end

we’ve always known it could only go for so long

and so it did

and here we are

---

so allow me to reminisce

about that time

---

it’s noon

knowing you’re coming over for drinks gets me excited

just like every time

you should arrive by any second now

i stand in front of the mirror

i’ve already changed clothes a bunch of times

i feel like i shouldn’t care

but i do

i like how we’ve created this unspoken rule

about how we must always be in comfy clothes when we hang out

so i decide to go for those grey sweatpants you know

that fits my body just right

and you always stare

as i lose myself for a second

fantasizing about you running your hands down on me

as i do the same to you,

finally discovering what your mouth tastes like

i start to feel the fabric of my sweatpants,

rubbing against my skin

as i realize i didn’t put any boxers

because that’s how i usually hang out in my house

i take my sweatpants off, step down the stairs unconfortably

thanks to those little seconds fantasizing about you

as i walk through the living room making my way to the laundry room

i see myself bare naked in the mirror

and i cant help but start to fantasize about you once more

this time we’re right there in my living room,

i stroke myself a few times thinking if maybe i should deal with that

the way it is right you’ll obviously be able to see it through the sweatpants

even with boxers on

which brings my mind back to the fantasy

i stroke myself a few more times

imagining its your hand instead of mine

i decide to close my eyes and indulge on my thoughts

as my eye lids close i hear something

the doorbell ring

its you

---

my heart starts racing like you’ve just been caught by you

would you know it was you i was thinking about?

as my mind realizes there’s no time for another fantasy

i rush to the door and ask you to give me a second

i hear you teasing me through the door

“c’mon, open up… wait are you naked?”

you giggle, and go again

“open up!! its cold!!”

as i rush to grab my boxers and then upstairs to put my clothes back on

i’m imagining in my head once again

if you actually did knew i was naked

and if you actually did want me to open the door for you

like i was

---

i open the door for you

i see your smile

as expected, the clothes you’re wearing are as comfy as mine

and then i take you in my arms for a tight hug

only to realize

i am still vivdly hard

yet still, you keep your body resting against mine as our hug lingers

that’s when I catch you trying to feel every last inch of me

moving your hips left to right,

right to left

and then pressing a little deeper

one strange hug it is

so we let go

and i close the door behind you

---

... and this is as far as i went... the idea is play out this movie night thing where the tension keeps building up until they cannot hold it anymore.

 

[AG31]

Is this meant to be poetry? Are the line breaks on purpose?

 

[rodrigorodrigo]

Is this meant to be poetry? Are the line breaks on purpose?

Not really poetry but the line breaks are indeed purposeful. I'm trying to simulate the "rythim" of a text message, like the cadence... Just something i'm experimenting with, might drop it. Thanks for reading though!

 

[ElectricBlue]

So I know this is probably not good, but I'd appreciate brutal feedback so I can improve.
If you see pontential, let me know, if it's absolute trash you can tell me as well.
It's a monologue because i wanted it to be intimate, put the reader at the center as an actual character.
Thanks in advance!

... and this is as far as i went... the idea is play out this movie night thing where the tension keeps building up until they cannot hold it anymore.

It does read like one half of a conversation, but I can't see how it would work in a story.

 

[Gamblnluck]

To be honest, the format and line breaks threw me off. Not sure how you wanted to use this monologue in a story or if this was a story itself.

 

[StillStunned]

Not really poetry but the line breaks are indeed purposeful. I'm trying to simulate the "rythim" of a text message, like the cadence... Just something i'm experimenting with, might drop it. Thanks for reading though!

I see where you're coming from, and I think it would work if you could present it in a format that highlights the text message idea. If there were balloons around each line of text, the reader would understand more easily what you're doing.

That said (and with the admission that I'm too tired to give it the attention it deserves) I'd structure it like a one-sided conversation. Perhaps like "Clouds Across The Moon", if you're old enough to remember that song. Break off the messages where there's a natural break in the monologue, but remember the character limit. Once you have that, you can play around with the language. Use alliteration and assonance, perhaps a little light rhyming, to draw attention to specific words and phrases. Repetition and the rule of three. Listen for the rhythm of the language.

Perhaps most importantly: there are some strict rules about not publishing stories here on the forums. It's quite possible that a mod will delete your poem. So make sure that you have a backup before it's too late!

Good luck, and have fun writing!