I need your interpretation

[tarablackwood22]

Here's something I've been struggling with for a while.

Some saw earlier versions, and saw things I did not want there --
they said it had a "stalker" feel to it. I have tried to remove all traces of that without damaging the poem's integrity.

Tell me what you see when you read please -- is there the ache to return to childhood ( as I intend) - or - do you see a predator?

Thanks. Tara


leaning on cars and fences


snow-tipped Sunday
stroll
in the square.

icicles
hang like winter fruit
waiting
for children to pick
and lick.

boy
in the playground
on a swing
plays pretend
with its empty neighbor,
pulling the chain,
talking of pain.

I missed you.
where have you been
for so long?

need
to sit next to him,
swinging
and answer,
be a child again
and soothe his longing,
but the grown
are arrested
for less.

he looked so lonely,
officer.

paranoid
mother glares
as I lean
on a Chevy
watching her son.
far away,
she puts lies
in my eyes.

you can never be
too careful
with strangers,
with big girls.

run
up the street
ringing doorbells
to find
a small girl
to be me,
one who won’t be misjudged,
swing with him
for a minute
and talk,
go for a walk.


return,
alone.

empty park.

lean
on cold chain link,
watch planes
from O’Hare
leave
for warm places.

two vacant swings
slowly
take their rest.

 

[Liar]

I never saw a stalker there. Rather a motherly instinct to reach out to an unhappy kid. Perhaps remembering how it was to sit there, and swing that other swing, alone.

And if you don't mind me telling you, I think you may have removed a bit too much, at least form one earlier version I saw. There was a certain madness to the whole thing before that spoke to me. I for one miss the weirdo aspect.

Like this passage, from the passion thread post:

move behind a tree,
run
up the street
ringing doorbells,
offer money
to a girl
who won't be misjudged
to play with him
for five minutes

It is the kind of thing that many of us have the impulse to do, but never quite act out. The "offer money" line brings a treak of sad, jaded cynicism into it that works very well.

 

[WickedEve]

I didn't read the original, but these lines do have me thinking about child molesters:

but the grown
are arrested
for less.

he looked so lonely,
officer.

paranoid
mother glares
as I lean
on a Chevy
watching her son.
far away,
she puts lies
in my eyes.

you can never be
too careful
with strangers,
with big girls.

 

[tungtied2u]

Re: Re: I need your interpretation

I didn't read the original, but these lines do have me thinking about child molesters:

but the grown
are arrested
for less.

he looked so lonely,
officer.

paranoid
mother glares
as I lean
on a Chevy
watching her son.
far away,
she puts lies
in my eyes.

you can never be
too careful
with strangers,
with big girls.

I didn't read the original either, but the lines Eve quotes
appear to me to present a duality(is that the word I'm looking for?) not only speaking of an innocence lost, but of the bitterness of being misunderstood.

 

[annaswirls]

edited to say:

sending thiis via pm

as


edited to say
jesus, I should have read eves reply as I think I said the same things!

 

[annaswirls]

I never saw a stalker there. Rather a motherly instinct to reach out to an unhappy kid. Perhaps remembering how it was to sit there, and swing that other swing, alone.

And if you don't mind me telling you, I think you may have removed a bit too much, at least form one earlier version I saw. There was a certain madness to the whole thing before that spoke to me. I for one miss the weirdo aspect.

Like this passage, from the passion thread post:

move behind a tree,
run
up the street
ringing doorbells,
offer money
to a girl
who won't be misjudged
to play with him
for five minutes

It is the kind of thing that many of us have the impulse to do, but never quite act out. The "offer money" line brings a treak of sad, jaded cynicism into it that works very well.

I agree 100%

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Re: I need your interpretation

edited to say:

sending thiis via pm

as


edited to say
jesus, I should have read eves reply as I think I said the same things!

anna, honey, we're moms and we see child molesters everywhere.
This thread inspired this little quickie:

mother talk

there is lost puppy
and candy talk

this talk brightens their eyes

there are no puppies
no candies
only talk that lures

don't talk to strangers

they don't know strangers
they know candy
and worry about lost puppies

 

[fawnie]

we live in a time where it is neccessary to be the glaring mother, but also very necessary to be one aware of the love lacking in the lives of so many children.
sadly, we more times then not turn a blind eye.
yes this makes me think of child predators, but i think you bring the point out very clearly that this is someone wanting very much to reach out to help a child..not to harm.
i too liked the lines you removed..it shows almost a desperation to help witout intent being misunderstood.

 

[WickedEve]

Tara, where's the original? I can't find it.

 

[tarablackwood22]

Tara, where's the original? I can't find it.

Eve...it's on page 76 of the passion thread.

....and everyone. I'm on the run here, on a friend's computer quickly, just checking responses. Thank you all for the help --- and keep it coming --- I've got so many versions of this poem, they're all tangled up in my head and hard drive.

....I'll get back to you all as soon as I can with thanks and what not, and answers all the PM's as soon as I'm settled later on.

Tara

 

[annaswirls]

Tara, it might be easier to

1. read all the versions and suggestions and start over

2. a friend of mine suggested this technique: run over the poem with your car and write about how that felt: your poems under tire

3. put all versions in a paper shredder, boil them. Make poem pasta take left overs glue them down, see what happens



err Eve, you are right, I was trying to be so cool, teach my kids that most people are friendly, that they can talk to anyone as long as I am there, I h ated the idea of them being afraid of everyone


BUT when I saw my 3 year old walking hand in hand with a man from down the street-- out on the sidewalk WITHOUT me, I nearly jumped out of my skin


husband had just gotten home for dinner, door was left unlocked, I told little guy he could go out back and play, he went out front--

the guy saw him alone and did what a nice person would do--asked him his mommy's name--- turns out the woman half a block down has the same name as I do, and there were kids playing out side, so he was taking him there--

okay too long a story

but the guy IS a nice guy not a pervert, I know-- BUT BUT BUT my kid was walking AWAY from our house with him!!!!!


AHHHHHHHH

so Tara I do understand your apprehension
it is sad that we cannot just trust and be a part of the kids lives.

alright where are the new poems, I feel like I cant write anymore until my old ones pop out

Thanks Eve-- lovely poem ick sad

 

[tarablackwood22]

THANKS!!!

I just want to thank everyone who put their two cents in here on thread and also those who sent PM's.

It is clear to me that this was a "poor write", since it conveyed to people meaning that was so foreign to that intended. Your thoughts make that obvious to me.

I am too in love with the whole concept so I can't scrap it....I'll just "run it over with my car" as anna suggests, and go from there.

The only one who seems to have picked up my intent was Liar -- the intent of a "manic panic" attack, looking for a quick fix for a heartbreaking situation when the rational answer was simply to be sad, or empathetic, and leave it at that. That is MY fault, as the writer.

Someone suggested that the reason he saw it was that he lives in Europe, which makes sense to me. We here are so deluged with the horrors of abduction, perhaps we see it even where it is not!

Kindness and care are misinterpreted all the time -- all of us mothers have become "slanted toward safety", even to the detrement of our own children, since it breeds mistrust.

Anyway, it's clear that this piece must be rewritten. You'll see it pop up, sooner or later!!

Thanks you all again.....let's pass this kind of love and caring attitude on to our babies.

Tara

Daniel's brushes - new poem....please read!

 

[JCSTREET]

they don't all leave for warm places

some leave for ottawa toronto and montreal

lean
on cold chain link,
watch planes
from O’Hare
leave
for warm places.


one verse seemed stalkerish but who cares

it's a haunting poem Tara

Doc

 

[tarablackwood22]

Re: they don't all leave for warm places

some leave for ottawa toronto and montreal

lean
on cold chain link,
watch planes
from O’Hare
leave
for warm places.


one verse seemed stalkerish but who cares

it's a haunting poem Tara

Doc

It's sure haunting the hell out of me, Doc!!

Tara......changing "warm" to "warmer"


Daniel's brushes - new poem....please read.