I need your advice...

[Eagle70]

Hey all...ok, here's the deal...

I;ve been with the same girl for almost two years now, but its been long distance for a while, she's in michigan, i'm in boston...ok, so the other day i get a package in the mail...we talk all the time, we contalty speak on the phone, e-mail, what have you... she sent me a package the other day...along with some candies, cutsie stuff liek that, she also sent me a video, which is normal, we always send videos back and forth, so we can see each others face and whatnot...well, this one was her telling me that she had a treat for me...and for the next 90 minutes, it was her having sex with 2 other guys....and like, totaly directing everyhitng to me...being extremly verbal and loud...showing everything...it was..a shock...to say the least.

ok, so i'm into this sexually, but, i;ve been faithful all along..and even though she knew that i'd always wanted to see her with another guy, she never talked about it with me or anyhting...and then suddenly i get this "gift". what the hell should i do? what do ya'll think? i'm torn...help me please....

 

[His Whimsicality]

What you should do? If she´s having sex (sex, mind you, not love) and if she´s sending this tape to you, I´d say it is an open invitation from her for you to send her a tape of a similar nature, wouldn´t you say? (Quite daring your lady... )

 

[Mistress]

dump her, if you two have never spoken about it then she wasnt doing it for only you...

 

[His Whimsicality]

Unless of course you have not expressed to her your wish of trying out another woman, in case that´s the case...

 

[Angel]

dump her, if you two have never spoken about it then she wasnt doing it for only you...

I was going to say the same thing. In MY opinion...If you're in a committed, monogomous relationship, long distance or no, then things like that should be discussed before taking place.

Quite obviously you enjoyed it, so maybe it's okay for your relationship. But if it were me, I'd be flamingly angry for not having out in the open beforehand... giving me the option to state my feelings in the matter.

I don't like to share.

 

[Eagle70]

Mistress, we have talked about it, but she never told me she was thinking about doing it or anyhitng like that...so i'm just not too sure...we've been together for so long..and i'm certain of her love for me...i just...i dont know what to do...i'm pissed because she did this, without mentioning it to me or anyhting...but i dont know if she really just wanted to give me somehtign for my own pleasure...i just dont know...and i'm turning to the advice of those i trust...the members of the board.

 

[Cheyenne]

and even though she knew that i'd always wanted to see her with another guy

How did she know? You told her? Then you DID talk about it. She gave you what you said you really wanted and now you want to dump her because she did? Talk to her first. She might be shocked you're reacting the way you are.

This comes under the heading of be careful what you ask for because you might actually get it.

 

[*Eve*]

I don't know about you but I would be a little wary. Even if she knew that this was one of your fantsies you said that the two of you didn't properly discuss the issue. In order for something like that to take place I'm sure you would have rather been in the room with them while that was taking place. Personally, I would wonder who those guys are and how close she is to them. The only thing I can give her is that she did send you a tape so at least she wasn't hiding this from you but it would make me wonder what exactly she was hiding.

 

[His Whimsicality]

But personally, I´d probably raving mad at her on the other hand. Huh, not easy...

Probably the best thing: talk to her. Tell her it turned you on, but also tell her that you´re hurt, that she perhaps went too far.

 

[DarlingBri]

Oh my God

OK, first of all, calm down. No matter how you decide you feel about this, her motivation was to please you, if you believe what she says. Keep that in mind.

You may decide you're hurt and crushed, or you may decide you really dig this.

In either case, you need to TALK TO THIS WOMAN before you pull out the video camera and send her your own video.

I really, really believe that EVERY couple needs to talk about, set and respect their boundaries as a couple.

It's one thing to talk about "my gang bang fantasy" and play that out in mutual erotic play, and another to do it without conversation and mail it to your boyfriend.

If you want to stick with this chick, I think the thing is to NOT make her feel judged for a bad call. Along the lines of:

"It was cool to watch, but I was blown away we didn't discuss making fantasy reality first. I know you wanted to surprise me, but I would have thought we could have talked about what our boundaries are first. I wouldn't want to accidentally hurt you with something you didn't want me to do."

Even if you do decide this is the greatest gift since your mum gave you a sandwich maker last Christmas, IMO you really need to decide together what your limits are as a couple. This is even more crucial in a long distance relationship, I think.

Personally, this would be way, way, way off my acceptable list, so it would be a deal killer for me. But you seem to be of a mind that it might be OK in your relationship, so you just need to sort out how you really feel.

And I think you need to be asking some more probing querstions about what else she's been up to. Then you need to decide how you feel about those answers, as well.

 

[Eagle70]

We did talk about it, but not her actually doing it...i;ve brought up that i'd want to see it..its like a fantasy, you know? but she never told me the she was GOING to do it, which makes me feel a little..betrayed, i guess. but i keep thinking that she did it for me...because she knew i would want it...so i'm mad...yeah..but i dont want to end things...i just dont know what to do...

and you're right..be careful what you wish for..you just might get it...

 

[Mistress]

Damn straight Eve! LOL!
Seriously, you have no clue if she's been umm practicing with these two men before to get you the perfect tape! She must know them and be close enough to them to do this, so I'd say there is more of a connection there then just, "Oh, look what I made for you baby, just for you!"
Also, you said you mentioned that she knows you would liek to see her with another man...but did you mention two other men????

 

[Eagle70]

Thank you all so much for your help so far...i guess i just needed other people to give me another look at things...thank you all so much...and no mistress..i never mentioned two men...damnit...<bangs head on the table> this sucks...

 

[His Whimsicality]

So you did get what you wished for. In that case you should still talk to her, but complaining has now become a no-no.

 

[DarlingBri]

Two men...

Maybe she thought she'd double your pleasure, double your fun?

Eeek. This is really a very tough one. I would not want to be you.

Have you spoken to her since the tape arrived?

 

[KillerMuffin]

The best advice would always be to just talk to her. Tell her how you feel, even if you don't really know what that is. I'm seeing a lot of shock, a bunch of wow that's hot, and a glimmering of hurt showing through. I have sexual fantasies myself that I've shared with my StudMuffin. His are of a similar bent, but not the same, and his disgust me, unfortunately. If he ever went out and enacted my sexual fantasy for me, I'd leave him. I told him that specifically, because it would mean two different things to me.

Yes, you had this fantasy, but some people prefer fantasy to remain nothing more than fantasy, a little mental foreplay to engage with a lover in. Because it was your fantasy, of course you'd be aroused. But does that necessarily mean you really wanted to see it in reality?

The only person who can answer how to feel or what to do is you. You are the one who is trying to decide if you're feeling hurt and betrayed or if you should shrug it off because it is, after all, your fantasy. But is it really? To actually see it in reality, is that your fantasy? Or is the fantasy of it all you really wanted from her?

 

[Eagle70]

i havent had the chance totalk to her yet, i just got the tape on thursday, and didnt watch it until that night when i finally got the chance, and yesterday, when we talked, i was so confused i just kept my mouth shut, because i didnt know what to do...thanks again to everyone for helping me out...i am truly greatful

 

[Siren]

Ummmmmmm, this is a toughie

 

[Eagle70]

You're right Muffin...i think i just wanted the fantasy to remain a fantasy...you hit the nail right on the head with how i'm feeling...as i'm just really starting to think this through...i think i'm just going to talk things out with her..explain to her that even though that was a fantasy of mine, i feel hurt (which i really really am right now...) that she would do this to me...even if the intentions were good...(if they even were...)

 

[Dea Artia]

Hey Eagle, I can relate.

my long distance guy tells me last week that he slept with his roomate (female). not once, 5 times. it was just sexual release, nothing more. what to do ? I love him, but i think the trust is gone.

I think what you have to ask yourself is do you still see a future with this woman. Its hard, but my friends have been telling me its ok to be selfish when it comes to my life and how i want to live it so im telling you its ok to be selfish, to think about what you want out of your relationship and if you willing to accept it and let that part go.

 

[His Whimsicality]

What to say to her - my advice:

Start in your usual way (say hello, how are you, etc. etc., how you´d usually start the conversation)

Then mention the tape, and start with what you liked about it. See how she reacts.

Then proceed to the neutral questions part, like, how did she meet those two guys, why two and not one, etc. REMAIN CALM AND IN SMALLTALK/YOUR USUAL MODE. See how she reacts

Then very, very carefully tell her that you were slightly shocked/that it came unexpectedly to actually see her fulfill your fantasy, but try to get across that you liked it, after all it was supposed to be a gift for you.

Hope this helps

 

[Eagle70]

thank you sir, i'd really like to talk things out..i love my girlfriend, but i do feel hurt and cheated..all of your help..all of it, has been so helpful...its brought me peace, just knowing that you all are here to help me...that you care about someone you havent ever spoken to before...it just puts me at peace...thank you all very much...my AIM handle is Zeus2182..if you'd liek to talk, please im me, we can talk one on one, but if not, please keep posting here...you've all helped so much

 

[Dea Artia]

His Whim

I'm sorry, but its just not that simple. Its easy to think about what you want to say. Its easy practicing what you're going to say. But its damn hard when you are there either face to face or voice to voice. Everything you want to say gets thrown out the window and the shock of everything takes control.

Ive had to write stuff down, because i knew, once it came to actually say what i wanted to, id lose it all and id have to refer back to my "cheat sheet" so id know what i wanted to say in the first place.

Listen to the advice Eagle, but only you can decide whats good for you.

 

[His Whimsicality]

, but i do feel hurt and cheated..

Yeah, I can understand, but be that as it may, you might ruin things if you tell her. Might come across as ungrateful, like: 'I told you my fantasy, you fulfilled it, and now I chose to play hurt because you did.'

So even if you´re hurt, my advice is not to show it right away, to very carefully advance to that part in your conversation, to describe it in milder terms.

 

[His Whimsicality]

His Whim

I'm sorry, but its just not that simple. Its easy to think about what you want to say. Its easy practicing what you're going to say. But its damn hard when you are there either face to face or voice to voice. Everything you want to say gets thrown out the window and the shock of everything takes control.

I know. Thinking and doing are two completely different animals. It always comes different than what you expected. But it doesn´t hurt to have a general outline of what to say, of how to proceed (like very careful in this case).