I need some opinions on my short story please

[cutietoya03]

I am just starting and I would like some opinions please thanks.


It was five in the morning and I felt a warm sensation between my thighs. He was licking in circles around my clitoris. Damn now that was a first. He woke me up for a change. I damn near came then and there since that had always been a fantasy of mine. He looked up at me telling me how he loved tasting me. I couldn’t hold back the moans and soft screams. It was feeling so good. He was so into making me feel good that turned me on. He told me it was all about me. He continued licking up, down, up and down until my leg started shaking. I was trying to get away and he grabbed my thighs. He told me I wasn’t getting away he wanted me to cum. He just kept saying “Let it out baby, cum baby let it out.” My whole body tensed up and I came so hard. I couldn’t move. He started kissing me all over starting at my feet and worked his way to my stomach. Soft kisses loving all of my curves and making me feel beautiful. When he made his way to my breasts he took his time on each one. He rubbed one breast as he licked and kissed the other. I was so wet I was dripping on the sheets. He then kissed my lips and slipped his tongue in slowly. We caressed each other as we kissed. I wanted him inside me so bad I couldn’t wait any longer. I pushed him off of me and climbed on top of him. He was so hard and I was so wet we were just ready for each other. I turned so my ass was facing him cause I know how much he loved the view. I guided him inside and he moaned, I moaned. I bounced up and down the way he likes it slowly speeding up. He slapped my ass and I screamed cause it was feeling so damn good. He grabbed my ass cheeks and he moved with me. He sat up and grabbed my breasts while I was grinding on his dick. It was so deep inside I knew I was about to cum soon. I knew he loved it too cause he told me over and over how great it felt. He played with my nipples and kissed my back and my body tensed up again. My pussy muscles pulsated on his dick I screamed, “I’m Cumming daddy!” I came… My juices flowed uncontrollably all over him. It wasn’t over yet though he laid me on my back and put my legs on his shoulders. He was so deep in me as far as my body allowed him to go. He was so big I didn’t know how much I could take. I kept moving away so he wasn’t so deep in me and he grabbed my shoulders so I couldn’t go anywhere telling me, “Take it baby.” He was grinding so hard and it was feeling so good. In, out, in and out some more. Slow circles man I didn’t know how more my body could take until it gave out. This time he yelled out, “Damn baby I about cum!” He started speeding up and I screamed, “Me too!” We both moaned and I felt him cream inside me. We came together and it felt so wonderful. We looked into each other’s eyes and he kissed me softly. Then he said, “You can go back to sleep now.”

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Don't give up your day job

You need to learn about Proper Story, Paragraph and Sentence Structure, Dialogue, Punctuation, Organization of your Story and the list goes on.

This "story" (it's not a story, by the way) doesn't have any beginning, your characters have no motivation and there is no ending. This is not much more than a great example of a badly written and barely readable fuck scene.

Sorry.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

CUTIETOYA

Jenny's correct in every particular.

But I love it because its what I call a Boner Builder. It's powerful and arousing. It shakes my rattle. It's a little wild.

Take Jenny's advice because she's right and its good advice. Do not lose what you have, though. Do not become domesticated in the process of becoming polished.

 

[_Lynn_]

I am just starting and I would like some opinions please thanks.

This isn't a story, and you don't specify, so I'm not sure what you're just starting.
If it's writing, then you need to follow everything Jenny said.
There is nothing in what you put here that kept my attention.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Welcome.

Jenny is 100% right. Just a few add-ons.

Generally here, stories that get well reviewed run around 6k to 7k words (minimum). Less than that and you are really writing 'flash' which doesn't often go down well here.

 

[MarshAlien]

Short is a very apt description, thankfully. Now when you go to write something longer, think about how many stories you've enjoyed that started nearly every sentence with "I" or "He." Think about how sometimes it's better to have longer sentences, with commas, and sometimes very short ones.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Damnit, El. Now you tell me. All my stories, with just a few exceptions are 4000 words. I guess all I can write is Flash Fic then


In reality, I intentionally write stories that are quite short and all the fat chopped out so nothing is left but what is absolutly necessary to the story. I want a reader to spend 15 mins reading the story and get the full gist of it in a single sitting. It works for me, but I leave a lot a moldy fat on the floor on the first edit. It take time to learn to do that and not feel violated when you chop out some of your best writing because it just isn't needed. My ego is constantly in tatters.

 

[MarshAlien]

Damnit, El. Now you tell me. All my stories, with just a few exceptions are 4000 words. I guess all I can write is Flash Fic then


In reality, I intentionally write stories that are quite short and all the fat chopped out so nothing is left but what is absolutly necessary to the story. I want a reader to spend 15 mins reading the story and get the full gist of it in a single sitting. It works for me, but I leave a lot a moldy fat on the floor on the first edit. It take time to learn to do that and not feel violated when you chop out some of your best writing because it just isn't needed. My ego is constantly in tatters.

I'm sure when El_od said that it didn't go down well she wasn't talking about you. Jenny Jackson is an acquired taste, but once you've acquired it, it's like fine Scotch; it always goes down well.

 

[sr71plt]

Flash fiction is really 1,000 words or less. Most of the contests I see for short stories set nothing above a 3,500-word limit--and I've trained hard to think below that limit in any short story I write. Erotica of 7,000 words at one setting sounds like much in the need of a hatchet to me.

 

[MarshAlien]

Flash fiction is really 1,000 words or less. Most of the contests I see for short stories set nothing above a 3,500-word limit--and I've trained hard to think below that limit in any short story I write. Erotica of 7,000 words at one setting sounds like much in the need of a hatchet to me.

Apparently I am a prime candidate, then. I don't know about the one sitting stuff, although some of my favorite feedback has been along the lines of "you bastard, I stayed up 'til four in the morning reading your story last night," but most of my "pieces o' crap" have been on the long side.

I do try to divide them into "parts," keeping in mind that they shouldn't be too short, but my most popular story on Lit is seven Lit-pages long. And it has been read; nearly four hundred people have slogged through it to vote on it.

 

[sr71plt]

Apparently I am a prime candidate, then. I don't know about the one sitting stuff, although some of my favorite feedback has been along the lines of "you bastard, I stayed up 'til four in the morning reading your story last night," but most of my "pieces o' crap" have been on the long side.

I do try to divide them into "parts," keeping in mind that they shouldn't be too short, but my most popular story on Lit is seven Lit-pages long. And it has been read; nearly four hundred people have slogged through it to vote on it.

They probably just want you and will do/say anything to please.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Marsh, couldn't have put it better myself. Jen, indubitably, is not only an acquired taste, but also a vintage appreciated best by connoisseurs.

Not meaning to insult anyone, unless you really are a skilled writer (like MA and JJ!), you need about 2 lit pages to set your stall out, develop threat - success - conclusion, whilst getting the readers to care about the characters.

Jen, what you often write is so neatly turned, so aware of the natural jumps a reader's mind makes, that most of us humble scribblers struggle to emulate. Yeah, you do write flash at times - but, heck, it's pretty damn good stuff and always with your wicked sense of humor.

Marsh, d'you reckon she'll stay off my case for a while? Can we go back to guys salivating about knickers?

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Flash fiction is really 1,000 words or less. Most of the contests I see for short stories set nothing above a 3,500-word limit--and I've trained hard to think below that limit in any short story I write. Erotica of 7,000 words at one setting sounds like much in the need of a hatchet to me.

No. Several online publishers set their flash level as less than5k words.

It makes sense really in that it is pretty impossible to do the 3-act trick of a traditional short story in less than 6-7K words.

 

[tickledkitty]

They probably just want you and will do/say anything to please.

Yeah, 'cause yer a stud, Marshbaby.

 

[MarshAlien]

They probably just want you and will do/say anything to please.

Ummmm

 

[MarshAlien]

Sorry. Went all speechless there for a second.

 

[sr71plt]

No. Several online publishers set their flash level as less than5k words.

It makes sense really in that it is pretty impossible to do the 3-act trick of a traditional short story in less than 6-7K words.

That definitive "no" sounds a bit pedantic to me.

I'll stick with my understanding of the general limits of contests (although it's true that most of the one I enter are print) as I do it a lot and that's what I've found (and what I've found is that the trimmer I can get them--down to about 1,500 words, the more likely I'll win, place, or show).

I'll also stick with my experience/training on desirable wordage and what you can do in 3,500 words (which is approximately what will fit on one Lit. page).

I don't doubt you've experienced otherwise in what you write, Elfin (Romance maybe?), but I would hope that cutietoya03 will move on with the impression that there is a whole lot more latitude in writing formulas and wordage length requirements than you seem so sure of.

Have you even tried writing more compactly, incidentally? Done so and been flayed so that's why you don't do it anymore? Or just have gotten your mind set on one way of skinning the raccoon?

Some of us can get good reviews and lots of nice E's at Lit. with stories that fit on one Lit. page or just a bit more. And if CT has plans to develop to the commercial world, I think CT will very quickly find that shorter is more sellable than longer.

Superimposed over all of this, my observation both here and in the commercial world is that it's the unusual story--either in content or form--that attracts far easier than the just another one of those somebody's idea of a formula stories.

 

[sr71plt]

OK, quick google search of the Internet on "Flash Fiction Contests"

At the top of the list was the "Write around the Block" contest (700 words limit)

Next was the "Many Mountains Moving" contest (1,000 words)

Next was Yahoo's Flash Fiction Newsletter, which defined flash fiction as 1,500 words or less.

Realize this progression was going in the right direction toward a 5,000 word maximum, but it makes me comfortable enough with my initial suggestion of what constituted flash fiction--even for electronic media.

Oh, blind me--sitting in front of me is a Virginia Writer's Club notice on a flash fiction contest--max 750 words.

 

[sr71plt]

I'm not even sure why, but I went back to see the "story" that this thread was about--maybe because it was short and was here and I didn't have to go look for it.

But I'll add my agreement to what others have said. It's not a story (doesn't pose a dilemma let alone resolve it. Nothing changes. The characters are just pieces of furniture). It could be a sex encounter within a story, but it's not a story. I'm not averse to a sex scene vignette standing alone as a Lit. piece, but it would need to have tension and excitement and do something unusual or be poetry in prose. But, I'm sorry to say, this one doesn't do any of that for me.

It's literate, so there's something to build on, and might be OK dropped into a real story--which might be fun for you to try. With this scene as a foundation, you might try writing a story on who these people are and what the significance is of their having this sex--and where they go from here--and why any of that is a dilemma or creates (or relieves) tension.

 

[MarshAlien]

Marsh, couldn't have put it better myself. Jen, indubitably, is not only an acquired taste, but also a vintage appreciated best by connoisseurs.

Not meaning to insult anyone, unless you really are a skilled writer (like MA and JJ!), you need about 2 lit pages to set your stall out, develop threat - success - conclusion, whilst getting the readers to care about the characters.

Jen, what you often write is so neatly turned, so aware of the natural jumps a reader's mind makes, that most of us humble scribblers struggle to emulate. Yeah, you do write flash at times - but, heck, it's pretty damn good stuff and always with your wicked sense of humor.

Marsh, d'you reckon she'll stay off my case for a while? Can we go back to guys salivating about knickers?

Thanks for the comparison, but putting me in the same ballpark as Jenny is like comparing John Grisham and Scott Turow. They can both produce bestsellers, but, like Jenny, Turow can actually write. Besides, I need at least two Lit pages to get a story going.

I hope that's good enough, el.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Marsh, d'you reckon she'll stay off my case for a while? Can we go back to guys salivating about knickers?

Nope... and what a fine ass it is, El. Would love to get me paws on that

 

[MzDeviancy]

Okay, Jenny, I have to ask if you feel it's appropriate to trash a new writer like that. I don't know if it makes you feel good about yourself, or if you've actually convinced yourself you're doing her a favour by offering her little more than heaps of scorn, but you really shouldn't be offering anyone critique if you can't do it with a modicum of civility. I'm not a believer in sugar-coating and bubble-wrapping every little criticism, but I am a great believer in delivering critique with a respectful tone. It doesn't matter if you feel someone is a terrible writer; if they come in here looking for advice on how to improve, they deserve respect.

You're a bully, and I actually feel a little sickened at the sight of everyone in this thread rushing to find a spot on your ass to attach their lips to. It's like I'm right back in junior high, watching people help the popular girl pick on others so that she won't rip on them. Of course, I know there's been others who have commented on and actually left the site over the clique mentality of some of the Literotica elite, and I'm sure you'll just dismiss me as one of those overly sensitive individuals or whatever you tell yourself they are.

I have no doubt that what I've said will cause absolutely no introspection on your part whatsoever, but I just had to get it off my chest. Enjoy your fulfilling days of trashing beginner authors over the internet.

 

[MzDeviancy]

And cutietoya03, I'd recommend finding an editor. Go to the Editor's Forum, and you can post an ad for a volunteer editor. Specify that you are a beginner writer but you're looking to improve.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

McDEVIANCY

It's just plain wishful thinking that Jenny Jackson might let me plant my lips on her ass. Aint gonna happen. But she's still right.

I like what Cutietoya wrote AND Jenny is still right.

Jenny isnt always right, but she's right in this instance.

 

[sr71plt]

the clique mentality of some of the Literotica elite

I do understand what you are saying--and think you are brave for saying so. But I laughed at the image of the Literotica clique as being elite. A non sequitur if I've ever seen one.