I need some help...

[NekoBakamegami]

Well, to start off, I am 21 and I've been through a tough time with men. My only BDSM experience was a nasty one, I've been used and abused by many guys and I just can't seem to get myself quite right. Rape survivor times 2, molestations, etc etc etc. I finally found a guy who treats me right. He loves me and cares about me and I love him completely. We got engaged and I'm supposed to move in with him on the 31st, from Florida to Nova Scotia. I should be happy, but in speaking with an old f-buddy, I have stumbled upon a problem.

See, I've ALWAYS known I wanted to be a sub. When I was 7 or 8 I saw an old vampire movie with the vampire-bed-slaves and wanted to be them(I found an old diary of mine, I was a weird kid). As I grew up, I started leaning toward the BDSM erotica and things, and finally when I was 19 or 20, I had my first RL experience. For the first day, I LOVED it. I loved being told what to do, following orders and giving the Master lip and getting a little punishment for being a brat. That experience turned pretty bad, so I blocked it out until tonight when I was REALLY thinking about things.

The problem is, I suspect my fiance is a sub, through and through. When we were talking and getting to know each other, he talked himself up as a protector, etc. Then I lived with him for two months. He looks to me for praise, reassurance, permission to do ANYTHING, called me master, and when there was a scarey noise in the dark he hid behind me! I fell like I'm going to have to care for him the rest of my life. On the otherhand, I love him with all my heart. But now I realize there's going to be a HUGE need unfulfilled. I haven't even learned how to be a proper sub, and now I will NEVER have the experience. I don't know how to handle this. I started to cry a little, thinking about how I'll live the rest of my life like this. Thing is, we both have abandonment issues and such. I was given up at age 14, he was abandoned in a mall at age 4 and bounced around foster homes until he was 8. We've both had hard lives, and I understand why he is how he is, but I have this... need to be subbie. I think about all the times I had and how I will NEVER feel that need fulfilled again and I just.... can't handle it.

Am I being selfish? Is this the appropriate place to discuss this? I'm just... so confused >.< I hate feeling like this, I feel guilty about how I'm feeling... what should I do? He's mad at me because I just don't know how to explain how I'm feeling. Grr... sometimes I hate myself...

 

[marieR19]

*hugs* I really wish I had some special wisdom to give you, but I don't. However, from what you said, I think you need to figure out if you actually want to be a sub, or if it's just that you want/need to feel secure and loved and taken care of. There's a big difference.


Heather

 

[NekoBakamegami]

hrmm..

Well, I liked being a sub the little bit I got to be one... and as I've said, I haven't had much experience. I know deep down I want to be, I just can't... express what I want to say exactly how it should be said, I guess. I know what a sub is. I know I want to be one. But I explain it wrong, I guess. I dunno, my fiance is being a pissant for me not linking him to the site I'm posting at and being VERY ticked off at me right now, I'm distracted and can't express myself right, I guess.

 

[Kierae]

First off, you are 21 - don't hate yourself for not being able to verbalize how you are feeling. Hell you are just beginning to figure out what the heck you want so it is no surprise you aren't able to tell your boyfriend at this point. Personally I would rethink a cross country move at this point in time unless you are needing a geographical change for other reasons than "love". I am not saying that the relationship won't work but if your gut (always go with your gut instinct because nine times out of ten it's right on target) says you are a sub and he is pretty much a sub - well my guess is that you can play house for awhile but you will eventually outgrow the relationship and go looking for what you need. There is always a possibility you can switch - it's not everyone's cup of tea. Your fiance could be your sub and at some point you could find a Dom/me but open communication is the critical element there and now is the time to have the discussion. Bottom line it all depends on how much both of you want the relationship and how willing both parties are to compromise.

Best to ya girl whereever the road leads you.

~Kierae

 

[NekoBakamegami]

The funny thing is, I TOLD him what I wanted, I guess I wasn't too clear on it. He said at the time he can switch, but I don't see it ever happening. I really don't want to hurt him, I really love him - we've been together on and off for about 3 years now. He said he can't live without me, which makes me afraid he'd do something bad. I wish I could get him to be a Dom, it would be perfect, but I know you can't get anyone to be a Dom. But, I'll see what happens. I can always move back home, if we grow apart. The only thing is, I've tried the Domme thing. Once. For an hour. I felt sooo awkward and out of place and uncomfortable, I never want to try again.
Thanks...

 

[Kierae]

Hey if being a domme isn't in your nature, it just isn't. Of course the same applies for him which of course brings you back to square one which is you are both sub. If you decide to go for it, keep the communication going to keep the balance so both of you are getting needs met.

And girl, DO NOT feel responsible in any way with regards to his "can't live without you" bit - that's his, not yours. I would be a rich woman for every time I have heard that line, no matter how sincere.

 

[shadow6666]

Hi, Yes I'm the guy reffered to in this whole post. This is all new to me and for the most part I am inexperienced, plain and simple. Though I am willing to learn.

 

[Netzach]

Call me insane...but maybe you could both find someone you could submit to as a couple?

 

[Vixandra]

I'm liking Netzech's idea.

I can sympathise with you, Megami-chan. I'm a Domme (learning but still there) and married to a pretty 'nilla slightly subbish man. For me, the solution is to find a sub woman to, hopefully someday move in with us. Because he's okay with me being with a woman long as I'm with him, which is cool.

Anyway- sit him down and have a very frank talk, laying out what your feeling, what you're seeking. I'd settle this before getting married. An engagement isn't nessesarily perminant, a marriage should be if possible.

Good luck!

 

[human_male]

You need to talk to each other. I don't know much about BDSM lifestyle, whether someone is a sub in all aspects of the relationship or just concerning sex, but try to express to him what you need, and what you need from him and go from there. Don't assume he's going to be completely incapable of fullfilling your needs this early in the relationship. As I understand it, most women start marriage assuming they'll need to train their man to one extent or another. Maybe look at bringing a third person into the mix further down the track.

 

[mdiaz451]

you have options...

First off, you're young... You aren't married yet. I don't want to discourage you, but you may want to hold off on a wedding until you & he sort things out completely - and DON'T be in a rush to marry - ever! Believe me, the legal complications are a pain in the ass if/when you divorce. Take your time on that, please.

Most importantly, PLEASE Don't hate yourself!! You need to learn to love yourself - I MEAN THAT!!! I have some abandonment issues (not as bad as either of yours) and I know what I'm talking about. Don't worry about the confusion if you can.

So, you have sexual trauma in your past and you are probably a sub. I see a lot of posts on kink sites by sex abuse survivors. It's something very personally troubling to me. I'm a Dom and a damn good one, but I've only had one sub so far that told me she was molested (by Dad) when she was going thru puberty. Luckily, the asshole is dead, or I would have gladly helped him reach that status...

Your mutual abandonment issues are a concern as well. Clinging to each other is handy and keeps you in a fairly secure situation, from what I can tell, and that's a good thing.

You say you love him, and that's also good. If you were separated, could either of you last very long before the abandonment problem made you find someone else? I wonder.

Unfortunately, your fiancé seems to be a sub like you. You can probably "train" him to take a Dommish role, and he might do pretty well at it just to please you. There are behavior conditioning tactics you can use to make him find positive reinforcement (like getting laid) if he takes a Dom role, and only a Dom role... Kink is fun, and if you want to try making it work with him, give it a good, long trial. He also might be ok with you having an outside "play Dom" with no strings (ha!) that you could see to explore your sub urges with, or maybe not... If you really have those urges, act on them, with him or someone else if he approves, and not just out of fear of being abandoned by you....

Given your history, PLEASE take your time if you want to look for an outside Dom. There are a huge amount of assholes, posers, wannabees, and as you experienced, "Doms" that can hurt you badly. Don't rush into play, take your time. It's your body and your life - don't marginalize yourself.

You could try Domming 101 for your fiancé if you are anywhere that has BDSM classes or Workshops, and I'm always surprised to find out where munches are (all over the place). Going to a munch and meeting other people into kink is empowering, and I have found the people I meet at munches to be real, concerned, friendly and very helpful, with a real minimum of trolling going on.

If you want to be a sub couple and seek a Dom/me, again, please be really picky and choosey. Play safe, and be careful. You may find the wrong Dom/me will fuck things up badly for you as a couple if they fail to talk, negotiate, and honor your limits, hard or soft (limits).

Good luck, kid. If you want to drop by Boston on your way to NS, let me know. I'll show your guy how to Dom, if you want... Take care.


mdiaz451
callmefishmail@yahoo.com

 

[shadow6666]

I'm the fiance mentioned

Thanks For all the good Advice, and I know shes not gonna leave me I'm just gonna have to get trained thats all, i <3 the idea of whips, cuffs, chains, ect... just untill now i've never been with anyone who would let me show that side. I Know that any help I need I can get it from you guys, cause you're the ones with the experience.

 

[chris9]

I'm just going to address both of you.
Talking out what you like and don't like takes LOTS of time. I 'confessed' my want to be submissive in bed only after 5 years of being with S. I dropped hints before, but never enough so he could understand. He is not a dom, but he does domly actions in bed to please me from time to time. So, we arrived at a solution that works for both of us. But from starting to talking about it (at that time long-distance) and getting where we are now took us more than half a year.
So just be patient. Don't rush into marriage before solving 'problems', but have fun experimenting.
What might help you would be to do a sort of chicklist of things you would like to try, or wouldn't. Do it separatly and exchange those at the same time, so you have to each finish their own list before comparing the other person's. With that you can find out where you differ and where you don't and start your communication from there.
Good luck to you two!

 

[Rrrosyn]

Just gonna share a bit and see if it helps you any.

I am the dominant in my relationship... in most things. I was sexually assaulted at 15 and never enjoyed sex until I took a dominant role at 25. I still have a need to be protected and cared for. On the other hand, I need a man who can handle my health crisis and make decisions on what I need when I am in a state where I cannot. I can't have a sub around who needs every decision made for him. I need someone who can be told how to do something once or twice and does it that way from then on.

My submissive (fiance) who moved from NC to CA to be with me after an 8 month relationship online is very submissive. He is nurturing and caring. He holds me through night-terrors, PTSD flashbacks and panic attacks. He takes care of me when I have seizures and when my pain is too high. Sometimes he gets lost and confused. He needs reassurance all the time, comfort, someone who is proud of his accomplishments. Not a mother, but someone who lets him know the world is all right - at least in my arms it is anyway.

We met for love. We stay together for love. The fact that our personalities balance in such a way that the BDSM can fit into it is such an awsome bonus I cannot express it in words.

My advice. To be a couple and mesh as a couple is the goal and the highest level love can achieve. If that happens with you two... one of you will take the role as dominant just to make the other happy and in doing so will find joy in it. Sounds like a possibility here, from reading your posts.

 

[Private_Label]

Call me insane...but maybe you could both find someone you could submit to as a couple?

As I was reading, that was what I was wondering about too...

 

[NekoBakamegami]

I want to thank everyone! We started to talk and he's got kinks I never even thought of... wouldn't have thought it at all... So, as everyone has recommended, we're going to go slow, but I don't think IRL outside help (IE experienced Dom) would be a possibility... I'm way too modest and weirded-out to do that, and he's pretty greedy lol Again, thank you, everyone!

 

[shadow6666]

I want to thank everyone! We started to talk and he's got kinks I never even thought of... wouldn't have thought it at all... So, as everyone has recommended, we're going to go slow, but I don't think IRL outside help (IE experienced Dom) would be a possibility... I'm way too modest and weirded-out to do that, and he's pretty greedy lol Again, thank you, everyone!

Yep, I am quite the greedy one, and I'm looking foreward to playing with all the advice i've been getting from this site.

 

[chris9]

I want to thank everyone! We started to talk and he's got kinks I never even thought of... wouldn't have thought it at all... So, as everyone has recommended, we're going to go slow, but I don't think IRL outside help (IE experienced Dom) would be a possibility... I'm way too modest and weirded-out to do that, and he's pretty greedy lol Again, thank you, everyone!

*LOL* Yes, starting talking can help more than one thinks sometimes We (as in all humans) tend to assume things in others without knowing the least about the truth of it...

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I want to thank everyone! We started to talk and he's got kinks I never even thought of... wouldn't have thought it at all... So, as everyone has recommended, we're going to go slow, but I don't think IRL outside help (IE experienced Dom) would be a possibility... I'm way too modest and weirded-out to do that, and he's pretty greedy lol Again, thank you, everyone!

Realtime help doesn't have to come in the form of "hands-on" from another Dominant. It can come from finding a group of like minded souls who can share their friendship, support, experiences and knowledge. Many groups have education oriented discussions, and many have presentations and demonstrations to learn about the safe way to do many of the things we like to do. Believe me, tying your submissive up and then hooking them to an engine hoist to do a suspension scene is not something you want to do without some preperation and _help_.

If you can talk about your fantasies HERE, when you start listening and sharing with other folks face to face, you'll find it pretty easy to do.

Congratulations though on opening the door of communication together! Best of luck to you both!

 

[shadow6666]

Realtime help doesn't have to come in the form of "hands-on" from another Dominant. It can come from finding a group of like minded souls who can share their friendship, support, experiences and knowledge. Many groups have education oriented discussions, and many have presentations and demonstrations to learn about the safe way to do many of the things we like to do. Believe me, tying your submissive up and then hooking them to an engine hoist to do a suspension scene is not something you want to do without some preperation and _help_.

If you can talk about your fantasies HERE, when you start listening and sharing with other folks face to face, you'll find it pretty easy to do.

Congratulations though on opening the door of communication together! Best of luck to you both!

Thank you for your support and valuable info.

 

[mistresstoybox]

To hate ones self is a horrible thing. You can not make any life changing decisions until you can first Love yourself. Then you can truly Love, Trust, comprimise, and most of all, learn. You are young you have a lot of life experiences ahead of you. Don't continue on your course of self hate. Sex will always be there but you first must find that you like yourself and who you are...Your sexual indenty is crucial and will be defined as you learn who you are, being redefined many times your lifetime.Good luck on your journey.
Always rememeber to have fun, mentally and physically!

 

[ZenDragoness]

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