i need some help please.....my OH is bi curious and i need help

[the_blue_monsta]

ive always known hes been bi curious but its taken him some time to admit it to himself.

i am literally 40 weeks pregnant today. we are having our first baby, a baby girl. last night i found a phone he had hidden from me in it where txt messages to guys about meeting up and doing things, photos, erotic conversation etc. he has done this to me 3 times now and i dont know what to fucking do!

ive supported his sexual experimentation and ive even said to him if he wants to try it ill be more than happy for him to do so as i think that hiding a part of urself away is a huge mistake. there is no reason to be ashamed so why pretend to be something your not. hes not a butch guy, hes not a manly man hes a sensitive nice guy.

i dont want to be hurt any more and if i wasnt about to have this baby any day now i would have left last night and not come back. i have no problem with what he wants to do, all he is interested in is giving a guy oral thats it, but he wont even consider actually trying it. hes all talk. he makes up shit to these guys to get them talking and then when he goes to arrange a meet up he pulls out of it at the last minute, as all the messages ive found thus far indicate. he has no self esteme to try it and im gettting frustrated. i dont want to be made to feel so worthless. i dont want to feel lik hurting myself every time he does this. im sick of suffering from depression and all i want is for him to figure himself out.

what the hell do i do?? ive watched gay porn with him, hes definitely sexually attracted to me and he constantly says how much he loves my body and i know he genuinely loves me but this side of him just takes over and he forgets that hes hurting me.

i want to leave. i want to leave and never come back. this is the 3rd time and i have no idea what to do any more. ive tried threatening him , ive tried talking to him, ive tried even opening up a log in on a chat page for him to talk to guys but he never used it instead he for the last MONTH has been going behind my back talking to numerous people. I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THE WAY HE IS. i dont want to change him. he is who he is and he likes what he likes but i am fed up with the lying and posting on here is the last thing i can think of doing. i need support. i need help. im not even looking forward to the birth of our daughter any more because i always thought it would be this amazing loving bonding moment with him in the delivery room and im due to be induced on tuesday and i dont know how the hell i am meant to feel other than immensely hurt and its now tarnished the way i veiw our daughters birth. i dont want to do it where as 2 days ago all i could think about was the moment i would place her in his arms and see the look on his face. this baby was his idea and we tried for over a year to conceive her.

can some one please for god sakes help me coz i cant cope. i actually want to physically hurt myself i feel so worthless and pathetic.

 

[Mr. Briggs]

ive always known hes been bi curious but its taken him some time to admit it to himself.

i am literally 40 weeks pregnant today. we are having our first baby, a baby girl. last night i found a phone he had hidden from me in it where txt messages to guys about meeting up and doing things, photos, erotic conversation etc. he has done this to me 3 times now and i dont know what to fucking do!

ive supported his sexual experimentation and ive even said to him if he wants to try it ill be more than happy for him to do so as i think that hiding a part of urself away is a huge mistake. there is no reason to be ashamed so why pretend to be something your not. hes not a butch guy, hes not a manly man hes a sensitive nice guy.

i dont want to be hurt any more and if i wasnt about to have this baby any day now i would have left last night and not come back. i have no problem with what he wants to do, all he is interested in is giving a guy oral thats it, but he wont even consider actually trying it. hes all talk. he makes up shit to these guys to get them talking and then when he goes to arrange a meet up he pulls out of it at the last minute, as all the messages ive found thus far indicate. he has no self esteme to try it and im gettting frustrated. i dont want to be made to feel so worthless. i dont want to feel lik hurting myself every time he does this. im sick of suffering from depression and all i want is for him to figure himself out.

what the hell do i do?? ive watched gay porn with him, hes definitely sexually attracted to me and he constantly says how much he loves my body and i know he genuinely loves me but this side of him just takes over and he forgets that hes hurting me.

i want to leave. i want to leave and never come back. this is the 3rd time and i have no idea what to do any more. ive tried threatening him , ive tried talking to him, ive tried even opening up a log in on a chat page for him to talk to guys but he never used it instead he for the last MONTH has been going behind my back talking to numerous people. I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THE WAY HE IS. i dont want to change him. he is who he is and he likes what he likes but i am fed up with the lying and posting on here is the last thing i can think of doing. i need support. i need help. im not even looking forward to the birth of our daughter any more because i always thought it would be this amazing loving bonding moment with him in the delivery room and im due to be induced on tuesday and i dont know how the hell i am meant to feel other than immensely hurt and its now tarnished the way i veiw our daughters birth. i dont want to do it where as 2 days ago all i could think about was the moment i would place her in his arms and see the look on his face. this baby was his idea and we tried for over a year to conceive her.

can some one please for god sakes help me coz i cant cope. i actually want to physically hurt myself i feel so worthless and pathetic.

Don't hurt yourself. You are too amazing to go do that.

Here is what I would say. First you are about to give birth any day now right? Concentrate on that. Does he know you found this? I'd try to find a nice calm way to let him know you need 100% of him right now. Your lives are about to change and you'd like him to be there for you. Tell him how hard things are. If it comes up let him know you are willing to indulge and be a part of his fantasies and urges and want to help him with all his desires. But he can't be hiding or lying to you. You are open with him he has to be open with you.

most of all with a daughter coming into the world he has to put that shit aside for now and concentrate on you and your daughter. I wouldn't use this line but the reality is he's sneaking about talking with guys about sucking them off while his daughter is about to be born. If he isn't around when she is older would he be proud of her finding out why?

When my son was born the world changed. He's the world to me. I hope the same happens for your husband. if it doesn't he's a piece of shit. You are close to the finish line try to hold on. Hopefully he calms down when the baby is born and then you guys can have a talk about it.

 

[Mr. Briggs]

ive always known hes been bi curious but its taken him some time to admit it to himself.

i am literally 40 weeks pregnant today. we are having our first baby, a baby girl. last night i found a phone he had hidden from me in it where txt messages to guys about meeting up and doing things, photos, erotic conversation etc. he has done this to me 3 times now and i dont know what to fucking do!

ive supported his sexual experimentation and ive even said to him if he wants to try it ill be more than happy for him to do so as i think that hiding a part of urself away is a huge mistake. there is no reason to be ashamed so why pretend to be something your not. hes not a butch guy, hes not a manly man hes a sensitive nice guy.

i dont want to be hurt any more and if i wasnt about to have this baby any day now i would have left last night and not come back. i have no problem with what he wants to do, all he is interested in is giving a guy oral thats it, but he wont even consider actually trying it. hes all talk. he makes up shit to these guys to get them talking and then when he goes to arrange a meet up he pulls out of it at the last minute, as all the messages ive found thus far indicate. he has no self esteme to try it and im gettting frustrated. i dont want to be made to feel so worthless. i dont want to feel lik hurting myself every time he does this. im sick of suffering from depression and all i want is for him to figure himself out.

what the hell do i do?? ive watched gay porn with him, hes definitely sexually attracted to me and he constantly says how much he loves my body and i know he genuinely loves me but this side of him just takes over and he forgets that hes hurting me.

i want to leave. i want to leave and never come back. this is the 3rd time and i have no idea what to do any more. ive tried threatening him , ive tried talking to him, ive tried even opening up a log in on a chat page for him to talk to guys but he never used it instead he for the last MONTH has been going behind my back talking to numerous people. I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THE WAY HE IS. i dont want to change him. he is who he is and he likes what he likes but i am fed up with the lying and posting on here is the last thing i can think of doing. i need support. i need help. im not even looking forward to the birth of our daughter any more because i always thought it would be this amazing loving bonding moment with him in the delivery room and im due to be induced on tuesday and i dont know how the hell i am meant to feel other than immensely hurt and its now tarnished the way i veiw our daughters birth. i dont want to do it where as 2 days ago all i could think about was the moment i would place her in his arms and see the look on his face. this baby was his idea and we tried for over a year to conceive her.

can some one please for god sakes help me coz i cant cope. i actually want to physically hurt myself i feel so worthless and pathetic.

Btw as a guy I have to say you are 100% in your feelings. He fucked up. But hold on I have a feeling you may be able to turn it around when everything happens

 

[the_blue_monsta]

hey

thank you sooo much for ur reply. I was beginning to think no one would. All i have read thus far from bi guys on this forum was the thread about how much their partners know and it greatly upsets me that people think this kind of lying behaviour when your married to someone and in a relationship with some is ok and that its fine to lie and hide that they cheat.
He knows i know. This has happened 3 times now. Once when we got engaged the second time was just after we found out we were pregnant and this time was the third. I confronted him, i told him i was leaving and in hystertics on his hands and knees he begged me to stay and i got in my car and drove off. When i came home later on he had been on the phone to a good friend of ours and he had told the friend EVERYTHING and then he had a panic attack because i had taken off and he had no idea where i was or if i would come back being so heavily pregnant also. Ive decided to stay to give my baby the best chance possible at a mum and a dad who love each other but ive told him if this happens again ill take him for sole custody and he will never see me again. There is only so much i can take. I had an obstetrics appointment this morning and i told my doctor the basics as im worried about my depression and hes organising counselling for the both of us. My other half seems to feel like this baby is going to fix his problem. Like the whole being bi curious thing is actually a PROBLEM that needs to be foxed which it isnt. Hes hoping she changes him when shes born and tbh i think thats a fair bit of pressure to put on a new born. Babies change lives but they dont fix problems. But since last night i find myself hopeing the same thing. That she makes him realise that its not a problem he just needs to go about it differently.. All day and night ive been a wreck absolutely devastated at what hes done but hes so scared ill leave him hes cried more than i have, hes begged me to let him prove his love to me and to let him show me he can be faithful and that he can be open and honest. My doctor doesnt want me to make any rash decisions right now and has advised me to work on things and get the councelling so we can get this baby out as safely and smoothly as possible. . My oh already is soo enamoured with our baby. His love for her is never in question and he cant wait to have her in his arms but his respect and loyalty to me is most deffinitly going under the microscope.

Thank you for replying it feels good to have a males perspective on the situation. One who is married and has a family.

 

[Mr. Briggs]

thank you sooo much for ur reply. I was beginning to think no one would. All i have read thus far from bi guys on this forum was the thread about how much their partners know and it greatly upsets me that people think this kind of lying behaviour when your married to someone and in a relationship with some is ok and that its fine to lie and hide that they cheat.
He knows i know. This has happened 3 times now. Once when we got engaged the second time was just after we found out we were pregnant and this time was the third. I confronted him, i told him i was leaving and in hystertics on his hands and knees he begged me to stay and i got in my car and drove off. When i came home later on he had been on the phone to a good friend of ours and he had told the friend EVERYTHING and then he had a panic attack because i had taken off and he had no idea where i was or if i would come back being so heavily pregnant also. Ive decided to stay to give my baby the best chance possible at a mum and a dad who love each other but ive told him if this happens again ill take him for sole custody and he will never see me again. There is only so much i can take. I had an obstetrics appointment this morning and i told my doctor the basics as im worried about my depression and hes organising counselling for the both of us. My other half seems to feel like this baby is going to fix his problem. Like the whole being bi curious thing is actually a PROBLEM that needs to be foxed which it isnt. Hes hoping she changes him when shes born and tbh i think thats a fair bit of pressure to put on a new born. Babies change lives but they dont fix problems. But since last night i find myself hopeing the same thing. That she makes him realise that its not a problem he just needs to go about it differently.. All day and night ive been a wreck absolutely devastated at what hes done but hes so scared ill leave him hes cried more than i have, hes begged me to let him prove his love to me and to let him show me he can be faithful and that he can be open and honest. My doctor doesnt want me to make any rash decisions right now and has advised me to work on things and get the councelling so we can get this baby out as safely and smoothly as possible. . My oh already is soo enamoured with our baby. His love for her is never in question and he cant wait to have her in his arms but his respect and loyalty to me is most deffinitly going under the microscope.

Thank you for replying it feels good to have a males perspective on the situation. One who is married and has a family.

I totally understand. It's great the you confronted him. I think you'll be good for now. I'd honestly try to put it behind you until the baby is born. Then deal with it. You've got so much on your plate as it is.

I don't think he's putting pressure on the baby rather on himself. I think he needs to stop taunting himself the way he does. Maybe there is some sort of fix he gets off the excitement but it's not healthy to your relationship. I think he knows now.

the one common thing I see on these forums is guys are afraid of their wives reaction so they sneak around. If you let him know not to sneak around and you want to have fun with him then that may help. That gives him no reason to leave.

I'd never do anything behind my wife's back so I don;'t know if my perspective is the best one. Just trying to help you out.

 

[the_blue_monsta]

thank you to those who have posted as well as messaged me. its made a big difference in how i feel and im hoping its the start to sorting this shit out.

i do how ever feel sickened to see that alot of people on this forum think its completely ok to do this to their partners. thats not a relationship. thats not love and its not justified. if you love someone you are open and honest. other wise you clearly dont and the relationship cannot be a stable one. yes i am judging because i have been put in the position that peoples loved ones would be in if they were to find out. alot of people im sure would lose their families. the thing is its the lying and the hiding of things that would be the reason, not the bisexuality because if someone loves you they love you for who you are in ur entirety and if they cant love you for they way you feel sexually then they dont love you. it clearly works both ways.

 

[dave's thing]

Hey
Mr. Briggs is so right in what he says above. No point in re-saying it.
cheating is cheating for sure be it with a female or a male.
Let me ad this though from a guy that has been in a similar situation..... my partner talked as you have to your hubby but I was not convinced that she really felt the way she talked. I love her to death and have for a long time. The first time I experienced a guy I was not convinced that the actaul doing was going to go as well as the fantasy had gone and I was nervious as hell within myself and gave very little thought to my partner. After the fact I got feeling very guilty about it and came clean about it with her. The result was weeks of turmoil, as you would expect about being cheated on. We continued to talk and now all is good and she sometimes participates in my playing with men.
So to summarize I think you should bring it up with him that you know what he has been up to and assure him that the way you talk is the way you feel.... it will probably go a long way to relaxing him. Be calm, explain hiow you feel about the "behind the back" shit but reiterate hiow you feel about the bi stuff as well.

If it helps you to relax in bringing your daughter into the world then do it now. If you think it will not help then do it later. However, as said above your daughter should now become the utmost most concern for both of you right now.
Good luck and I hope every thing goes well!!

 

[the_blue_monsta]

Hey
Mr. Briggs is so right in what he says above. No point in re-saying it.
cheating is cheating for sure be it with a female or a male.
Let me ad this though from a guy that has been in a similar situation..... my partner talked as you have to your hubby but I was not convinced that she really felt the way she talked. I love her to death and have for a long time. The first time I experienced a guy I was not convinced that the actaul doing was going to go as well as the fantasy had gone and I was nervious as hell within myself and gave very little thought to my partner. After the fact I got feeling very guilty about it and came clean about it with her. The result was weeks of turmoil, as you would expect about being cheated on. We continued to talk and now all is good and she sometimes participates in my playing with men.
So to summarize I think you should bring it up with him that you know what he has been up to and assure him that the way you talk is the way you feel.... it will probably go a long way to relaxing him. Be calm, explain hiow you feel about the "behind the back" shit but reiterate hiow you feel about the bi stuff as well.

If it helps you to relax in bringing your daughter into the world then do it now. If you think it will not help then do it later. However, as said above your daughter should now become the utmost most concern for both of you right now.
Good luck and I hope every thing goes well!!

thank you very much for your reply it means a great deal to me to be hearing from people in a situation that is very similar to mine, especially someone on the other side of the situation.

unfortunatly ive done all of this. from the very beginning 3 years ago almost ive known and ive been fine with it and i truly am fine with it and he knows this. we've watched gay porn together before, hes told me about his to give a guy oral and ive tried everything i can to make him comfortable. this time its different. the last time this happened i was at a very hormonal stage of my pregnancy (it has only happened 3 times and all they have been were txt messages to guys) and i flew off the handle. the lies where what had gotten me. i couldnt give a shit if he messaged guys or sat on chat sites etc what ever he wants to do AS LONG AS HE IS OPEN ABOUT IT AND HONEST WITH ME and when i found out i went troppo. i abused the fuck out of him. threatened to never let him see his child and then i proceeded to contact the person he was talking to and abuse them and tell them i was going to get them bashed and theyde never walk let alone fuck again (an empty threat but it felt good at the time to say something) all things i strongly regret and i believe i have made the situation worse by doing those things. the worst part about this situation for me is the fact that when i found out again the other day it was closer to home. a guy who had been on his facebook list for a while and id actually seen posts about random shit on his wall etc, and the guy who i had abused had been contacted again. the hardest thing about the whole situation was that. he had, after knowing how i felt about this person, sent them a message and it turns out they play soft ball at the same park and the guy is an umpire...the messages i read hurt me so badly because this guy has seen me. he knows exactly what i look like and i have never seen him before. i threatend this guy and the smug satisfaction he must have felt that he got the better hand over me, that he knew who i was and he had seen me and he had been only meters away umpireing my OHs game at one point devastated me. i cant get over that. this person knows who i am. and i have no clue who he is or what he looks like. that hurts more than anything in the world and i feel like the biggest fool. this has affected me so very much. my doctor is worried about my mental state and is already booking me in for counselling in case post natal depression kicks in. i already find myself in a daze most hours of the last few days where i am numb and i just want to hurt myself to feel something.

hes begged me on his hands and knees crying hysterically quite a few times over the last few days to not leave him, saying he wants to proove himself to me and to prove how much he really loves me but i dont know if i want to stick around to be hurt again. i knew this was coming because its happened every time something major has happened. when we got engaged, when we found out we were pregnant and now. it seems like a reaction to commitment yet HE was the one who wanted to get engaged and HE was the reason we decided to have a baby. a baby i am now dreading because i feel like its all a lie. as much as i love my unborn child i had pictured this strong moment of love when i gave birth and now i am dreading the moment because i dont know how the hell to feel towards someone who has yet again ripped out my heart.

hes talked to me about why he does it. why he lies and hides it and he feels like hes another person when he does it, like its not him like its an alter ego. i am more than happy to help him experiment and be in on it with him and be happy to let him explore and i tell him this all the time and he knows i mean it. but i cant keep doing this. i cant keep killing myself over the person i love more than my own life. i just want someone who is in a stable honest relationship and who is bi to be able to talk to him about openess and help him figure out a balance. he wants to find help but when we sit down at the computer neither of us know where to go and he has no idea where to start...i dont want to leave him but i cant take this and unless something gets done soon im either going to end up hurting myself or im going to leave and like the last time i walked out because of this HE hurt HIMSELF.

 

[eddie03]

Hey Blue Monsta, make sure you monitor your post partum depression. If you are depressed right now, talk to your doctor about anti-depressants that can be taken with your pregnancy and with breast feeding (if you choose to). There are some meds out there and this is a very real issue not to be ignored. These last few weeks focus on yourself, and your child. I see no harm in giving your marriage another shot but your husband has to open up and be honest with you. This is not your fault! Right now your husband's biggest problem is that he doesn't love, respect or understand himself.

You mentioned that he sees his being curious as a problem. He doesn't understand himself and most likely feels that he is a bad person for it. I can understand this because I have been there. I never have went behind a girls back but the ashamed guilt and anxiety were there and I can understand how it could lead to being very secretive. I agree that cheating is cheating and for me its not the act that is painful its the lie, so I can understand you 100% there. Once he realizes that he isn't alone, that he is normal and starts to like who he is he should become more open. But ultimately only until he accepts himself will any real change take place.

You're right having a baby won't change his desires but it will change his priorities or at least it did for me. You have to function as one, trust has got to be there to be sucessful parents. Please though relax for right now and enjoy what is one of the most wonderful times of your life. Its not perfect for you but I guarantee it will be absolutely wonderful. Its one of the single greatest moments of my life, and at the time my wife and I were in a rough spot in our relationship. Has having the baby helped us?, yes and no. It complicates things but also strengthens your resolve to provide a happy heathly home for the child. I hope that happens to him, also I see myself when I look at my child and learned to go from just liking myself to loving who I am. I mean how bad could I be to have helped in creating such a precious miracle. I hope he finds that acceptance of himself when he looks at her.

Seriously talk to your doctor now about meds now, right after you have the baby your hormones are going to make things very interesting and with all of this stress it can deepen depression. Get the help you need to make sure you are stable. I hope everything works out and I hope your man finds himself.

Sending good thoughts your way!

Ed

 

[jupija]

Maybe something good will come out of it

Sorry you are so distraught. This is a very sensitive, emotional time. Perhaps initiate a conversation with the intention to be supportive and hear him out. He probably has no control of his hidden desires. He might be different after talking? Perhaps you can accept each other in a loving way? Maybe something good will come out of it? This is a good time to get everything out and open and try to work it out.

 

[the_blue_monsta]

Hey Blue Monsta, make sure you monitor your post partum depression. If you are depressed right now, talk to your doctor about anti-depressants that can be taken with your pregnancy and with breast feeding (if you choose to). There are some meds out there and this is a very real issue not to be ignored. These last few weeks focus on yourself, and your child. I see no harm in giving your marriage another shot but your husband has to open up and be honest with you. This is not your fault! Right now your husband's biggest problem is that he doesn't love, respect or understand himself.

You mentioned that he sees his being curious as a problem. He doesn't understand himself and most likely feels that he is a bad person for it. I can understand this because I have been there. I never have went behind a girls back but the ashamed guilt and anxiety were there and I can understand how it could lead to being very secretive. I agree that cheating is cheating and for me its not the act that is painful its the lie, so I can understand you 100% there. Once he realizes that he isn't alone, that he is normal and starts to like who he is he should become more open. But ultimately only until he accepts himself will any real change take place.

You're right having a baby won't change his desires but it will change his priorities or at least it did for me. You have to function as one, trust has got to be there to be sucessful parents. Please though relax for right now and enjoy what is one of the most wonderful times of your life. Its not perfect for you but I guarantee it will be absolutely wonderful. Its one of the single greatest moments of my life, and at the time my wife and I were in a rough spot in our relationship. Has having the baby helped us?, yes and no. It complicates things but also strengthens your resolve to provide a happy heathly home for the child. I hope that happens to him, also I see myself when I look at my child and learned to go from just liking myself to loving who I am. I mean how bad could I be to have helped in creating such a precious miracle. I hope he finds that acceptance of himself when he looks at her.

Seriously talk to your doctor now about meds now, right after you have the baby your hormones are going to make things very interesting and with all of this stress it can deepen depression. Get the help you need to make sure you are stable. I hope everything works out and I hope your man finds himself.

Sending good thoughts your way!

Ed

hey mate thanks heaps for the support. ive already spoken to my doctor about everything and hes going to put me through some counselling and ill go on medication if i need to. im worried about how ill go. ive had severe depression before and this has just made me take a huge dive. i cant get images of the messages out of my head. so many unanswered questions and they all come back to why arent i enough? why arent i good enough? why does he need to hurt me and why does it take me almost leaving for him to realise that.

he needs to learnt to be comfortable with himself and that what he feels isnt wrong its part of who he is and he shouldnt hide himself away because all thats doing is making his life more complicated. i know hes told me of the feelings of guilt and anxiety but how to get him passed that and onto acceptance and trust and honesty is another thing. i would love someone to just talk to him. to be honest with him about it all and to show him hes not a bad person he is human and he makes mistakes. the mistake isnt his sexuality but the lies and the hiding of things.

the betrayal hurts so badly. im trying to pull myself out of this funk for the babys sake but i feel so numb its hard to even breath properly.

hes hoping bub will change things and make him whole and tbh now so am i.

 

[the_blue_monsta]

woaaahh... 398 veiws and like 10 replys including my own....all i was looking for was some help and it seems like everyones read this now :-s