I need some feedback

[jeninflorida]

for my new story, "Sara, My net Pet"

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=262161

I'm looking to improve my writing, so be honest and dont hold back.

 

[kbate]

In my opinion - You could delete the first 6 paragraphs without changing the story one iota. The entire backstory about the emails, Sara's job, Sara's life, Sara's flight, Sara's limo ride, Sara's driver carrying the bags. These made the opening somewhat weak and the same information - that they met online, that they talked, etc.. could be dropped into the story in single lines or in dialogue, rather than laying it all out in a somewhat boring opening.

Technical - Grammar is good enough. I found only one typo, although I did not scan closely. Punctuation good, but not perfect, comma use is weak.

Action - Good enough but I did not get overly excited. It may be because Sara was nothing but an unmoving object, showed nothing at all, no desire, no emotion of her own, no horror, no excitement. Something, anything to show us that she isn't just an unemotional blob of submissive would be nice.

 

[jeninflorida]

Thanks, I'm working on a new story and will be more careful. also, add some conflict and add life to the secondary characters.

What did you mean by weak comma use? need to use more, add pause to a story?

In my opinion - You could delete the first 6 paragraphs without changing the story one iota. The entire backstory about the emails, Sara's job, Sara's life, Sara's flight, Sara's limo ride, Sara's driver carrying the bags. These made the opening somewhat weak and the same information - that they met online, that they talked, etc.. could be dropped into the story in single lines or in dialogue, rather than laying it all out in a somewhat boring opening.

Technical - Grammar is good enough. I found only one typo, although I did not scan closely. Punctuation good, but not perfect, comma use is weak.

Action - Good enough but I did not get overly excited. It may be because Sara was nothing but an unmoving object, showed nothing at all, no desire, no emotion of her own, no horror, no excitement. Something, anything to show us that she isn't just an unemotional blob of submissive would be nice.

 

[Otto26]

I enjoyed the story. I like stories that set the mood and provide a reasonable explanation for what is about to happen, context is important. In the realm of grammar I would suggest that you need to work on maintaining tense (I love having her walking behind me => I loved having her walking behind me). I agree that comma use was a little weak (Men, always love hose...). Some of your sentences were a little choppy but, coming from a person who tends to write rambling, paragraph long sentences, that's a weak criticism/suggestion. I felt (though others may disagree) that some of your prose fell into the say it category. If Mike is a gentleman, don't say it, show it through his actions.

I liked your plot line and the tone of your story. A story that can explore dominance/submission without having to fall back on violence and name-calling will always attract my attention and hold me to the end. I look forward to seeing more of your stories.