I need some feedback please

[tsul]

I have submitted my first story and would like some comments from you all. I am contemplating doing this in my part-time so, encourage me or tell me to give up. Please?

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-chance-encounter-42

 

[NiceNastyMann]

Yep, keep going

I have submitted my first story and would like some comments from you all. I am contemplating doing this in my part-time so, encourage me or tell me to give up. Please?

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-chance-encounter-42

Not a bad read.

One thing I would suggest - watch the paragraph size. I saw that as a critique regarding eBook's their small form factor makes long paragraphs hard to read.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed the story.

The whole thing had quite a James Bond vibe to it, that said I never quite had a clear view of who your protagonist was; whether being able to pick up high-class girls was common for him or not. Generally he comes across as being sophisticated, but there are a couple of comments ("I had no idea what possessed me to do that!") which make him seem more nervous. Either way would be fine, but he remained a bit of a blank slate until the end. One the other hand the female protagonist was wonderfully drawn and very sensual/erotic.

One thing I'd like is to know a little bit more about the house where the action takes place. Given the fact that she's sophisticated and the references to classical music, I imagine it was upscale and tastefully decorated, however on the other hand, she is working as a barmaid...

I generally don't look for spelling/grammar mistakes unless they jump out at me. Unfortunately there's a big one in the second sentence where you write "they are to fancy and to full of...", which made me worried that the rest of the writing would be far worse than it actually is. Later on you confuse "insure" with "ensure"

Finally, just a small nitpick as a classical music fan, Beethoven's 3rd Symphony is quite military and seems a strange choice for romantic evening (even for a huntress)

 

[Bert_Fegg]

I have submitted my first story and would like some comments from you all. I am contemplating doing this in my part-time so, encourage me or tell me to give up. Please?

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-chance-encounter-42

Could have used an editor, There were lots of typos and silly little errors. One moment he has a glass of whiskey at the bar, the next it's a cocktail - same at hers - whiskey one moment, brandy the next.

The story itself left me cold, not because of how it was written, it just never drew me in. I suspect that has more to do with me than you.

Keep writing, but avail yourself of the editors

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed the story.

The whole thing had quite a James Bond vibe to it, that said I never quite had a clear view of who your protagonist was; whether being able to pick up high-class girls was common for him or not. Generally he comes across as being sophisticated, but there are a couple of comments ("I had no idea what possessed me to do that!") which make him seem more nervous. Either way would be fine, but he remained a bit of a blank slate until the end. One the other hand the female protagonist was wonderfully drawn and very sensual/erotic.

One thing I'd like is to know a little bit more about the house where the action takes place. Given the fact that she's sophisticated and the references to classical music, I imagine it was upscale and tastefully decorated, however on the other hand, she is working as a barmaid...

I generally don't look for spelling/grammar mistakes unless they jump out at me. Unfortunately there's a big one in the second sentence where you write "they are to fancy and to full of...", which made me worried that the rest of the writing would be far worse than it actually is. Later on you confuse "insure" with "ensure"

Finally, just a small nitpick as a classical music fan, Beethoven's 3rd Symphony is quite military and seems a strange choice for romantic evening (even for a huntress)

Youre thinking of WELLINGTONS VICTORY, dolt.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Youre thinking of WELLINGTONS VICTORY, dolt.

Nope definitely thinking of the 3rd symphony originally dedicated (but later retracted) to Napoleon, conqueror of most of Europe.

 

[Palomides]

New here so don't take my comments too seriously. I enjoyed it. Lot of little typos which detracted from your story. The other thing I noticed was the voice was really distant. I'd suggest you pull us in more by putting us more inside the character's head. Just to pick an example,

"A soft vibration filled the room"

That is very distant. Tell us something like "I heard the soft vibration as..." Similarly, what images and associations does the protagonist associate with the sounds, smells, and sights?

 

[robertreams]

You need an editor there are two misuses of to (too) in the first graph. Yo write well and have a recognizable style. These are good signs. Certainly keep writing. One thing. You have a endency to over explain. e.g.

"She nodded my direction to acknowledge me, using her eyes to communicate that she was busy for a moment but would attend to me shortly. (25 words)

She nodded, using her eyes to communicate (that) she would attend me shortly.(12 words)

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Nope definitely thinking of the 3rd symphony originally dedicated (but later retracted) to Napoleon, conqueror of most of Europe.

Uh, B was thinking N was a great liberator.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

You need an editor there are two misuses of to (too) in the first graph. Yo write well and have a recognizable style. These are good signs. Certainly keep writing. One thing. You have a endency to over explain. e.g.

"She nodded my direction to acknowledge me, using her eyes to communicate that she was busy for a moment but would attend to me shortly. (25 words)

She nodded, using her eyes to communicate (that) she would attend me shortly.(12 words)

YO? WTF ENDENCY? WTF!
COMMUNICATE is a nominalization, get rid of it.

 

[sr71plt]

Uh, B was thinking N was a great liberator.

And B retracted the dedication when N declared himself emperor. What's your point?

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

And B retracted the dedication when N declared himself emperor. What's your point?

I plum forgot its Happy Hour at your house.

 

[sr71plt]

I plum forgot its Happy Hour at your house.

No, I didn't think you had a response to explain your posting.

 

[TheRedChamber]

I'm beginning to regret mentioning the bloody symphony.

Look, whether or not it was written as for the liberation or the conquering of Europe (which were essentially the same thing), Luddy sure as hell wasn't using the music to congratulate Nappo on getting into Josaphine's pants, and thus it still doesn't really fit the mood I felt the author was trying to convey.

 

[sr71plt]

The symphony gets a little bombastic, yes. I suppose it would do for the orgasm scene.

 

[lovecraft68]

I'm beginning to regret mentioning the bloody symphony.

Look, whether or not it was written as for the liberation or the conquering of Europe (which were essentially the same thing), Luddy sure as hell wasn't using the music to congratulate Nappo on getting into Josaphine's pants, and thus it still doesn't really fit the mood I felt the author was trying to convey.

Yeah, you have to be careful when there's people who run and google everything then come back and pretend to be experts.

That's why I only quote from comic books.

 

[tsul]

Thanks

I appreciate the feedback. It has been a long while since writing anything.

I am out of practice and typos are embarrassing.

The story began as a flirtation between a friend and I, based loosely upon a dream sequence. I am planning to develop this further with this excerpt being included somewhere in the middle of the finished piece.

The choice of "Eroica" (3rd symphony) was intentional, understandably the reader doesn't know why yet, I apologize.

I will flesh this out a bit more, thanks for the feedback.