I need some advice........

[Wiggles]

O.K. I don't need the advice, but my Mom does. The only reason I bring it up on here is because I've seen some great advice given to others on this board. Maybe you could send some over this way?

Here's the deal. My Mom and her significant other, let's call him Moe, have lived together for over 7 years. They used to be alcoholics, but they've stopped drinking. Moe does Oxy's and pot now, not a big step down. Mom has stopped doing everything( as far as I know).
They have three children living in the house, all under age 12. The kids know Moe smokes pot, they complain about it to Mom.
Moe just got in a car accident, resulting in head injury. He just came home two weeks ago from Drake(mental Institution).
He's being very abusive to Mom and the kids. He just got a new car, he's not supposed to be driving( I think). Moe wants to drive my little sis around in this car.
Now if it was just a Mom and Moe situation, I think she could handle it. But it's not. Moe's whole family is rallying against Mom. This is a very dysfunctional family. They all live on the same street, and visit every day. Two of Moe's siblings smoke pot and do oxy's with him. Their kids know about this too.
Moe's Mom is in denial about everything, when my Mom talks to her about all this stuff she turns around and tells her dys. kids.
Even though Moe's threatened her with his brother's wife, i.e. I'm going to have Mary kick your ass.

Her alternative is to move in with my Grandpa. This really isn't an alternative though, because he only has four bedrooms(counting the attic) and my Uncles already living there. He's is one grumpy mofo too.

Ok that's it, I think. Sorry for making it so long but there's alot of crap involved. She keeps asking me for advice, I'm 19, I can't give this kind of advice.

Any advice of yours would be appreciated.
I actually feel like this burden's a smidge bit lighter, just for writing this, so even if I get no replies, I don't think it's all in vain...

 

[Siren]

What is Oxy?

 

[Wiggles]

It really isn't a dangerous household, I meant verbally abusive, even though that's not much better.
I guess what I'm really looking for is a way to get Moe out of the situation entirely. Although he isn't really a bad guy, his brains just bogged down with oxy's

Really don't want my little brothers and my sister to go to Foster care.

It does sound like a J.S. show though doesn't it? It really doesn't play out that way though....

Thanks Siren

 

[lilminx]

I guess what I'm really looking for is a way to get Moe out of the situation entirely.

I could call my Uncle Louie for you- he'll get him out the situation permanently

 

[scylis]

hey!!
your uncle Louie better not be muscling in on my territory, you hear me?

 

[stargazer]

Dear Wiggles: My SO was in a construction accident about 11 years ago, which resulted in a severe head injury. One of the things that I learned from this experience is: it takes time and alot of patience to get through the aftermath. The brain is trying to heal and the nerve damage is interrupting the usual way that he would function. It took quite a while (12-18 months) for my man to get back totally; but, it was worth the wait. Now, the drug thing surely isn't helping. I have no advice for that one. He is making his own decisions there and no amount of love and understanding will make him quit. His decision to do drugs shows his selfish side. To get away may shake him up; but, you can't count on that. I wish her the best.

 

[LukkyKnight]

It really isn't a dangerous household, I meant verbally abusive, even though that's not much better.
I guess what I'm really looking for is a way to get Moe out of the situation entirely. Although he isn't really a bad guy, his brains just bogged down with oxy's

Really don't want my little brothers and my sister to go to Foster care.

One disagrees, Wiggly, it is a dangerous household. The children are not safe, they are learning horrid ways for people to deal with each other, and seeing a casual acceptance of non-legal activities. Verbal abuse is abuse.

You can explain why he's bogged down, but that doesn't excuse it.

Can't solve this all for you - due to the proximity of the people involved it will be VERY difficult, but your Mom knows she needs help or she wouldn't turn to you. She doesn't need help to STAY in the situation, right? She needs help to get out of it. You know that or you wouldn't be here asking, 'cause again, the only thing you can need help with is changing it, leaving it "as-is" doesn't require advice.

The children need to be removed from the situation. Your mom needs to either engage her network of family and friends, call a shelter, or have him sent back for more time getting healthy.

 

[Vanyel_Ashke]

One question I have is: Are the children Moe's and your mothers ?
Either way, someone under the influence should not be driving ANYONE let alone themselves anywhere.

If not for their safety, think of the other innocent people on the street placed in danger.

 

[phrodeau]

Mom needs to take action to stop the drug abuse around the kids. The kids know it's illegal, and their complaints to Mom need to be addressed. If not, Mom loses respect, and the kids will find other authorities to complain to.

If Mom can't handle a big showdown, maybe manageable bites will work. Start by restricting where Moe may imbibe (don't restrict the kids - it's their home more than anyone else's). Then, insist on sobriety whenever he's around the kids. This may not be practical for the family, but Mom's attitude should be clear.

Mom should also be careful not to shame Moe in the kid's eyes. If Moe backslides, she should address it in private.

 

[Guest]

oxy's are a pain med called oxycontin. they are very addictive and very strong. junkies have been known to crush them up and shoot them.if i knew your family i would call cps.

 

[dqrich]

I don't think anything on this thread that is said will help much.
I think most of the people here will agree that he is the only one who will help himself; and the others envolved have to keep ducking or get out of the way entirely.
Please PM if you just want to un-load.

 

[YogiBare]

Hi Wiggles

The bottom line is that Moe's got to go. I would agree with others that his behavior has become increasingly dangerous and will continue to do so. It has escalated to threats against your mother, and with continued drug use, what's obviously going to be next? Dealing with his behavior is also a major risk to your mother's hard-won and young sobriety.

I would ordinarily suggest that your Mom confront Moe and try to get him into treatment, with leaving him as a back-up. However, his family is such a strong support system REINFORCING his drug use, he is not at all a likely candidate to quit using them. Confronting him too heavily could be potentially physically dangerous for your mom and the kids. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

Unfortunately, she can't just kick Moe out because of how many of his family members are in the neighborhood. Moe would stat right there, too. She and the kids have got to be the ones to leave. She should explore her alternatives (friends, family, shelters, etc.), make a decision and leave. I'll bet that she could find people in AA who would be glad to help her out! She shouldn't tell him that she is doing this. She should just go.

I hope that this helps, Wiggles! Best wishes. PM if you would like!

 

[JaymesBlond007]

...as my mother would have said...

"bless your heart."

When someone that you've looked to, so many times for advice
comes, to you and you have so little.

WARNING: this will be long...
There are only two people that can fix this situation. One is your mother. The other is the proper athorities.
Moe has come to a point right now, where he is not willing/ready to help himself. This could possibly from a direct result of the accident, or some depression from the trauma of it. Either way, he doesn't believe he is doing anything wrong, and on top of that, his family is supporting these actions, reassuring him that he is not in the wrong.

The abuse is verbal, only until he realizes that he can get away with it. Then, more than likely, he will begin to push the envelope, possibly so slowly, that noone even notices until it's too late. Please don't let it get to this point. I don't mean to scare you, but you're nineteen and I assume have either left, or will soon leave the house. But there are three childeren in that home that don't have that option. Trust me, nobody is spared in an abusive household.

Moe needs to be removed or, and I know this isn't fair, your mother needs to leave. If she works, mabye with someone from work. Don't exclude your Grandfathers house. Your grumpy Uncle will only be temporary. But whatever y'all decide, support each other! Not every body in this world is lucky enough to have family, and that's a resource that can't be replaced. Talk to your family there the same as you do your family here.

Sorry so long...my heart cries every time I see anyone in this type of situation. I'm gonna have a looong talk with GOD about this one!.

Keep us all informed here. I'm sure anyone would be delighted to get a PM.

 

[Wiggles]

Thanks for all the great advice!
And thanks lil Minx, for the um, offer!
Vanyel, me and my two brothers hail from a different father, my little sister is Moe's. Moe's been very good about being a father to me and my brother's though. One reason why this is so hard.
Thanks for giving me a couple new angles though. I'm going to start pushing her to get out. She's considering getting custody of my sis anyway.

And Unregistered, you're absolutely correct, they are a dangerous drug. But how are you going to call the cops on someone who's legally prescribed them?

And yes, I have moved out of the house almost two years ago. It's kind of a shame, because I feel like if I was still there I would be a big help. I wouldn't put up with half the crap my mom does...

And Dqrich, thanks for the offer. I might take you up on it sometime.

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

I'm going to start pushing her to get out.

That is the best resolution; it is very doubtful that Moe would get out, and even if he did he would come back knowing where she is and the fact that she is very close and handy, so definitely she has to move away to where he cannot move in again, and he will try.

 

[lilfrk]

The oxycontin maybe legally prescribed but I highly doubt that the pot is. Mixing the two is putting your mom and sister in a really shakey situation at best.

I say what everyone else says. Push your mom to move out. Help her get in contact with AA and Al-Anon. You go with her, they can help you, help her. Give her a deadline to do these things and if she doesn't do them in the alotted time frame. Call the cops about the pot and child protective services for your sister. Your main concern should be for you sister. She is underage and can't fend for herself.

Just for a little extra info here's a link and a phone number to Al-Anon. 888-4AL-ANON

website: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

AA: http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/ You'll have to look up your local chapter's phone number in the phone book or call information.

Good Luck. Let us know how things go please.

 

[Wiggles]

Thanks again to everyone's kind words of wisdom.

Just wanted to update any of the above who might have an interest in me and my own.

I kept pushing my mom to move out, get away, stop the situation.

And she is now in the process. She's filed restraining orders against Moe, and a few of his threatening family members.

She has also filed for sole custody of my sister, and is having a trial on the 6th of this month. Subpeonas (?) have been issued to a few of the key people that are involved (Police, school counselor, school workers).

My mother and siblings are now staying at my grandpa's house, the kid's start their new schools this Wendsday.

Of course she is getting threatening phone calls, and Moe's mother is trying to file for custody of my little sister. I've even been getting phone calls from Moe, trying to tell me his side of the (sob) story. I'm sorry, but he's not getting one ounce of my sympathy until he gets some serious help.

My mother is just beginning to find out how hard this process is. It's amazing how people in this most vulnerable situation are expected to deal with all of this paperwork and running.

So, everything has begun, and I can't wait until it's over with.

 

[patient1]

thanks for the update, we wish you well.

 

[Gamelover221]

The longest roads are often the only ones worth traveling. Good luck on your journey. Give your mom as much support as you can, she will be needing it.

 

[JaymesBlond007]

That's wonderful...

I've been wondering how your whole situation has been coming along, but did not want to invade any bounderies by asking.
It seems as if your ducks are coming together nicely. I'm glad you pulled your family out of an explosive situation, you should be very proud of yourself.Don't let up. The road is going to be quite bumpy for awhile, and it might take some blood, sweat, and tears to get to the end.

Moe is going through a typical cycle for an offender. After abuse, he will display a "Poor Me" attitude to draw his victim's back to him. I would imagine, that if his attitude was genuine, then he would make his family withdraw their attempts to threaten and coerce y'all.

Keep your chins' up, and keep us informed.

 

[T.H. Oughts]

I'm happy things are moving along now. Just remember that this will take a toll on you also, so look after yourself too

 

[Wiggles]

I'm happy things are moving along now. Just remember that this will take a toll on you also, so look after yourself too

Oh it has, it is. I've been limiting my "family time" to a short period each day. It's really easy since I'm using this dial up connection, and I have no idea how to get my electronic voice mail.

And thank you for the


Jaymes, you can ask me about this situation any time you like. It's just now forming into something definite to report on.

 

[Wiggles]

Just a little update, because I have some time on my hands.

Yesterday, we all went to court. My mom's attorney and Moe's attorney have decided to settle on a five year restraining order from my Mom and the kids.

They are going to work out visitation and such at a later date. I think Moe's looking for weekend visits, but I'm hoping those go along with drug screens too. I don't really know how all that will be worked out.

So, it's looking pretty good, everything is finally being sorted out.

 

[patient1]

Great!

Sounds like things are progressing to something workable rather than impossible.