I need help

[UsedToBePsycho]

I want to get into an alternative lifestyle, but don't know how to begin.

I am switch, but mostly dominant. It just seems that others that are into this kind of lifestyle only seek partners that already have experience in this. I feel like I am in a catch-22 situation.

 

[twysted73]

I want to get into an alternative lifestyle, but don't know how to begin.

I am switch, but mostly dominant. It just seems that others that are into this kind of lifestyle only seek partners that already have experience in this. I feel like I am in a catch-22 situation.

Then find a Dominant who can teach you the ropes. You're in California for god's sake. Go north/south for 3 hours from any end of the state and you'll hit a kinky city.

If noone's willing to teach you, then teach yourself. Go and observe play parties with flogging demos or whipping demos. Talk to leather makers at these events and see what they do with their wares. Since they're selling things, they'll tell you their experiences and even give you ideas on how to use these items they want you to buy.

READ man. BDSM 101 by Jay Weissman and The Joys of Female Submission by Claudia Varrin (one I, myself, plan to read)

http://www.amazon.com/Erotic-Surrender-Sensual-Female-Submission/dp/0806524006
&
http://www.amazon.com/101-Realistic...=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1220759698&sr=1-1

That should get you started in the right direction. Come back and ask if you have more questions.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I think that's the difference really. Experience isn't necessarily a pre-requisite but if you're mostly dominant then the mostly submissive party you play with has to trust that you have enough knowledge and judgement to keep things SSC (safe, sane and consensual). Master and I were both inexperienced when we met but he did do his homework and that gave me a lot more faith in his ability to manage a scene competently.

Also, don't get any silly hang-ups about learning from an experienced sub. There is often a lot of knowledge to be gained from submissives but some 'dominants' feel that seeking advice that way damages the dynamic. I really don't think it does if both parties are clear about where lines have been drawn.

You can google for fetish clubs and munch gatherings in your area and lots of people choose to seek a mentor of sorts until they are confident in their own abilities.

The trouble with seeking a partner online is that there are so many people on sites like alt.com collarme.com and informedconsent.com etc that people can afford to be choosy. There are also a lot of poseurs who want a partner they can be abusive towards rather than dominate consensually and most people filter out the trolls and asshats on gut instinct. Saying you're inexperienced I guess puts you at a disadvantage to those who say they are - even though it's possible they could be lying. I'm not suggesting for one minute that you make out you're some kind of veteran dom/switch but it's important to assess your online persona/s critically and read between the lines to see what impression people take of you.

The more detail you use, the better really as profiles that simply read 'ask and I'll tell you' are generally cybercode for 'I will profess a deep interest in anything under the sun if it will get me laid.' Also, be wary of playing the politician game; asking lots of questions and agreeing enthusiastically. Some people do this deliberately so if you're too enthusiastic and effusive, without genuinely seeking compatibility of character, it can come across as insincere. Take a good look at the impression you give people and how that may be improved.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Fake it til you make it, kid.

 

[twysted73]

Fake it til you make it, kid.

The Safety Police would call foul on that one sir stating it propagates poor Dominant production and the "Wanna-be" stereotype currently plauging Dominants under 40 these days.

On the otherhand...(as we usually have two of them) it's a damn good approach to test your mettle and dive in with both feet.
I just hope you can swim little Domlette. And if not, have the decency not to take anyone with you when you drown.

Good luck.

 

[A Desert Rose]

nevermind... LOL I posted to the wrong thread!!!

 

[Hisscarlett]

there are many ways to learn - reading is definitely a good start but there is nothing like learning from others

if you google "munch" and your local area you will come up with many events which will allow you to meet and learn from others

as said previously it is ok for a new Dom to learn from an experienced sub - it isn't topping from the bottom if it is done to teach and learn

i suggest you try to find an experienced Dom to mentor you - hands on experience is invaluable - and ask questions - lots and lots of questions

there are many forums online where you can read and talk to others - but bear in mind not everyone online is as experienced as they may claim

whatever path you choose remember that as a Dom you are undertaking to care for and protect the subs you play with - trust must be earned - you cannot expect anyone to submit purely because you declare yourself Dominant

i hope you enjoy your journey

s

 

[bambikiller]

Experience,
I always see these poeple in this world of the internet claiming to experienced like they got a college degree in it or somthing.
I been into B&D and a little S&M before I knew what it was called.
I been playing kinky games before personal computers and long before the internet.
Am I experience, I haven't a clue.
I just started dating a girls tieing them up and playing games with them. It's realy not that complicated.
In my opion you should look for someone who is not that experienced themselves and start haveing fun with each other. You'll figure it out.
Now if you want to try somthing like sispension, fisting, playing with wax absolutly go on the net and look up as much as you can on it. A little pain can be fun but getting hurt isn't.

 

[Primalex]

I want to get into an alternative lifestyle, but don't know how to begin.

You could buy a truck and become a housetrucker.

 

[Big Poppa]

Fake it til you make it, kid.

As bad as it sounds, I agree with this guy.

Read books like the Loving Dominant and (BD)SM101. Both are seemingly good books, I say seemingly because I stopped reading the loving dominant after I realized I had either read all the info in that book on here or other sites, or already decided id follow what was listed in the book.

There was quite a bit I picked up from SM101. I currently have a sub who is a bit more experienced than myself but I dont make a deal of it and neither does she.

I started out in BDSM before I knew it was BDSM, I was lucky to date a girl who was into the rougher side of sex and we just kinda fell into it. I spent loads of time reading here, the BDSM library, and numerous other sources and Just recently when I was trying to find a sub I posted an ad on craigslist and within an hour it was replied to by my current sub. I wrote it as a sincere personals ad, listed out what I was looking for and my general experience, which was fluffed some. I stated I had been with 3 subs, which technically I have, dated 2 and slept with another

I was at the same point you were at and even got into an argument with one of the girls I dated. I couldn't get the sub bc I didnt have the experience and couldn't get the experience cuz I didn't have a sub. It was very frustrating!

As have been mentioned but begs to be repeated, go to parties, munches, befriend other Doms or subs and try to watch and learn. Peace and good luck.


*edit*

I was just cruising the library and found this. http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/domadvic.html

I remember reading this the first time a while back and getting a certain confidence from it and thought it may help some.